After all the problems that Trixie has been through she is now finally starting to get her life together until one day she is summoned by Princess Twilight. Twilight tells Trixie of the greatness she has accomplished for her new kindness but that will not change her completely. She is tasked by the Princess of friendship to accomplish a feat of true love and kindness to prove that she has truly changed for the better. After leaving to attend her quest Trixie devises a plan to prove her new image after speaking with the cutie mark crusaders, and decides to adopt the young Scootaloo. Will her plan work out for her, or will there be more difficulties then she had originally planned.
Chapters (1)
Good first story- though there were some small capitalization errors- the one I noticed the most was:
and not Rainbow Dash. Other than that- it's good and the premise sounds interesting.
Not a bad start, but I think you need to be a touch more generous with your synonyms. Trixie is almost referred to with he proper name (not in third person, but when you're describing her actions), where "She", "the showpony", or "the magician" would had worked too. This helps to keep things more interesting to the reader.
This applies to Twilight and Rainbow Dash as well.
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LUS.
There are seven thrones. Don't forget Spike has one too.
In the short description, it should be "truly" not "truely".
Several sentences in the long description are run-on sentences, and need commas or periods or semicolons.
The last sentence in the description should have a question mark.
There are a number of missed words and names not capitalized. I will keep an eye on this though.
wut
4980020 First time writer mistakes. Relax.
4979959
Well it does specifically say LARGE thrones.
4979860 I'm not sure what "LUS" means...
4981409
Lavender Unicorn Syndrome.
Referring to characters by descriptors "the lavender unicorn / alicorn etc".
What's this? A fanfic where Trixie goes to Ponyville and isn't shunned? Where she crosses paths with Rainbow Dash and isn't immediately punched in the face or insulted for no good reason? It's like you're deviating from fanon completely! How could you possibly be trying to be original!
Joking aside, I'm very glad that you're taking a different approach. Breath of fresh air, as it were. (Curiously, in the comics she shows up in Ponyville all the time without getting hassled. Although it's mostly as a background pony, but still.) The easygoing and laid-back guards were a nice touch, too. I bet they get along with RD and Pinkie well for light-hearted pranking sprees.
It will be fun to see where this is going. Keep up the good work!
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In moderation. If you go too far with it, you're invoking Lavender Unicorn Syndrome, and that's considered worse.
4982859 Granted, its always a good idea to do things in moderation...
...even moderation!
I just want to thank you all so much for all the support and helping me with my mistakes. I'm going to be fixing them very soon as well as posting the second chapter, but again thank you all for the likes and help it means a lot to me, and because of you all I think I will only get better at writing.
Love you all.
well, this has a good start, nice to see trixie learned more about herself on her travels.
i will point out though, you need more commas and fullstops. a lot of these sentences seemed to not end and i had to double take a lot.
other than that, a good start. on my read later list for when future chapters come out
I'm sending the corrections to you via PM. Other than all of those, the story has good potential, and a cute premise. I'm actually looking forward with what you come up with. Although getting a good editor could do wonders for this fic here. Things to remember.
1) Titles, Names, Buildings, and Locations are always capitalized.
2) Using the possessive form of a name [ [Insert Name's] [thingiemajig]] gets a 's at the end of it.
and
3) If the name is a two parter. Capitalize both parts of the name.
Other than that. Good job for a first fic, wish you the best of luck and I'll be following this story.
Pacing and flow could use some work, but that comes with practice. Seems decent for a first try.
One thing I really want to stress, though: Don't end the chapter in the middle of a scene, and please try to establish a plot point before ending it. Especially for the first chapter, it's important to get the story started properly. There's got to be some kind of payoff before you move on.
4982859 If Mooncalf likes this, there's gotta be something good here. *Faves*
4992955
I'm not sure how to feel about this kind of trust.
You've got a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes to fix, but at least it's coherent!
High hopes for this story.
This story has some potential and the plot is interesting as well
Okay, finished it. Yeah, it's a good idea, but there are a number of grammatical issues, mostly capitalization.
MORE
There might even be line of all the ponies in Ponyville leading to twilights new castle who would scream their hurtful slurs and through things at her until she would meet up with Twilight who would give her a greater humiliation.
Two things wrong with this sentence, it's a run on and it should be "throw" not "through". Still reading, but just saying.
So some grammar errors exist as well. I'm still reading, though, so not to fear!
As others have said, there are numerous spelling & grammer errors BUT the story is really good. I can't wait till you write more
Best of luck!
Greetings from the current year, just wanted to say I hope this gets continued some day as unlikely as that may be as I feel there's a lot of potential here.
good story mhm