Bonus: Alternate Prologue
Prince Blueblood calling for a bottle of Sabot Noir wasn't, in Tidy Trim's experience, unusual. Him doing so in the middle of the night, however, could be cause for concern. Yet again, years spent in service to the Prince had taught Tidy not to question his master's moods.
Tidy used his magic to straighten his bowtie before knocking on Blueblood's study door. "Enter," the prince called from the other side.
Tidy did as much and closed the door behind him. "The bottle you ordered, Your Highness," he said as he stepped forward.
Blueblood's desk was a mess, with a collection of tomes laying open. Tidy caught one of the titles: Lineages of Unicornia. As for the prince himself, he sat facing the large window at the back of his study and stared at the thunderstorm covering the city of Canterlot. "Pour me a glass and leave the bottle on my desk," he ordered, still looking out the window.
"Of course," Tidy said as he poured a glass halfway with the rich red vintage, just the way Blueblood liked it. His eye caught a map of Equestria next to the books on the desk.
Tidy shook his head and brought the glass to the prince. Whatever Blueblood was up to, it wasn't a servant's place ask questions or start rumors. But still, something was going on. Ponies all over the castle talked about Celestia isolating herself, refusing to see visitors. The time she spent holding court was shorter and shorter. On a few occasions, she'd even been replaced by Princess Luna, which offended many a noblepony.
"Thank you, Tidy," Blueblood said with a nod as he accepted the glass. He took a sip and closed his eyes, which seemed red and swollen. Had the prince been crying? Blueblood wasn't known for such fits in public, of course, but Tidy had known him long enough to see the pony behind the title — a stallion just as vulnerable as any other. He would never bring it up with the prince, of course.
Tidy stood at attention at a respectful distance. "Will you be requiring anything else, Your Highness?"
"No, you may go," Blueblood said as he waved Tidy away. "Hold on," he added seconds later. "Come here a moment."
Tidy stepped forward. "Your Highness?"
"How long have you been in my service, Tidy Trim?"
"Nearly twenty years," Tidy said.
"Twenty years," Blueblood repeated. "In this time, have you ever known my aunt to stop holding court?"
"Only during emergencies."
Blueblood sighed. "I suppose you must have heard the rumors by now. Speak your mind honestly." He stared at Tidy.
Tidy gulped. "Of course, Your Highness. I heard ponies say that Celestia is ill. Servants and nobles alike whisper that she might not be long for this world. Some say that the task of raising both the sun and moon for a thousand years took its toll, and that she might now pay the price with her life."
Blueblood nodded. "And what do you believe?"
"That it's not my place to judge, Your Highness. My job is to serve as your personal butler, not to engage in court gossip."
"Princess Celestia's health is hardly gossip," Blueblood said with a frown. "However, in this case, the rumors are true. My aunt has been ill for months, and Doctor Shimmerheart doesn't know what to do. I'm sure you can imagine why we chose not to inform the court."
Tidy eyed the desk once more. "I see," he said, hesitant to question the prince on the matter.
Blueblood took another sip of wine. "Tell me, what do you know of Princess Luna?"
"Not much. I haven't interacted with her directly, only through servants. Her Highness is very private, as is her prerogative. In fact, I doubt many ponies in Canterlot can say they know Princess Luna. Some say that she visits dreams and takes away nightmares, but I never put much stock in such rumors."
"I see," Blueblood said. He stared outside for a moment as the rain doubled in intensity. "Princess Luna may well be our ruler soon."
"If the laws of succession dictate it," Tidy said, noting the hesitation in his own voice.
"Of course, if the laws of succession dictate it, do you take me for a fool?" Blueblood spat. He shook his head and returned his attention to the window. "You will find a letter with a blank seal in the right drawer on my desk. Deliver it with haste to Captain Silvermane. Once this is done, leave me alone for the rest of the night."
"As you wish," Tidy said with a bow. He moved to the desk and found a nondescript white envelope in the drawer, as indicated. He carefully placed it in his jacket before leaving the office as fast as he could.
He closed the door and made his way toward the Night Tower, where Princess Luna resided. Captain Silvermane had taken it upon herself to guarantee the princess's safety. While it wasn't common for the captain of the guards to assume such duties, it had happened in the past. Shining Armor had acted as Princess Celestia's personal bodyguard when he was captain, mostly during times of crisis. For Silvermane to stay close to Princess Luna in such a matter, however, was cause for a lot of questions. Tidy had to admit to a certain level of curiosity.
He went up the stairs toward Luna's study, finding its heavy mahogany doors closed shut. Tidy heard voices from the other side. He thought about knocking, but opted to wait outside. Curiosity got the better of him and he moved forward, perking his ear up. There was no harm in learning a thing or two, as long as he kept what he'd learn to himself.
"I implore you, Your Highness," Silvermane's deep, taciturn voice said. "You must call for Twilight Sparkle. You took too much upon yourself, and could use the assistance. And to be blunt, we both know that she's Princess Celestia's chosen heir."
"You should not speak of things you know nothing about," Luna replied. The intensity of her voice made Tidy recoil. "I am more than capable of handling things here, Captain. I will call for Twilight when it is time and not before."
"As you command," Silvermane said. "But would you at least consider assigning somepony else to the griffon negotiations? Prince Blueblood knows Ambassador Antoine quite well, and Councilor Kibitz is also more than capable."
"Enough," Luna said. "My decision is made, and will not be debated. Now, take me to see my sister."
Tidy straightened himself up and took a few steps away from the door. It creaked as it opened, revealing Silvermane wearing her golden orichalchum armor, but with her helmet off, leaving her gray mane visible. She glared at Tidy with burnt orange eyes. "Eavesdropping?" she said. Luna was just behind, also staring down Tidy.
"Not at all," Tidy said with a gulp. "I only just arrived and was told to give you a letter." He levitated the envelope and directed it toward Silvermane.
Silvermane grunted as she grabbed the message with her own magic. Tidy couldn't fail to notice Luna frowning at the exchange. "You may go," Silvermane said.
Tidy bowed. "Your Highness, Captain." He moved away as fast as etiquette would allow, disappearing through one of the many doors reserved for servants. This one in particular would take him to the Celestial Tower, at the base of which the servant's quarters could be found. The hour was late, and hopefully a few hours of sleep would help him forget about the potential ramifications of what his master had told him.
Equestria without Celestia was hard to imagine. For as long as anypony remembered, the princess had sat the throne. Yet, Princess Cadance had ascended to alicornhood a decade prior and been groomed by Celestia. A few years later, Princess Luna returned from her banishment, and then Twilight Sparkle, Celestia's former student, also earned her wings. Could it be that Celestia knew that her time was running short?
Tidy shook his head as he went down a set of stairs. His job was to serve Prince Blueblood, not invent theories about the princess's motives. Many times, he'd warned young, eager servants not to get caught up in rumors and intrigue. It would be foolish for him to now fall in that very same trap.
He arrived in front of the door leading to the Celestial Tower and opened it, almost bumping into a pink-coated earth pony in the process. "My apologies," he said as he stepped backwards. "Doctor Shimmerheart," he completed as he noticed the mare's curly purple mane and stethoscope cutie mark.
"Move," a voice barked from behind the doctor. A unicorn guard stared down Tidy. "Servants aren't allowed in the Celestial Tower tonight. Whatever it is, take care of it tomorrow."
"Of course," Tidy said as he walked back through the same door he'd entered. He sighed once he'd closed the door. Again, it wasn't his place to ask questions. He would just have to take the long way around.
Tidy managed to catch a few hours sleep in the servant's quarters before his stomach woke him up. With his busy schedule, he'd one again forgotten to eat a proper supper. The habit was becoming too common, and he made a mental note to adjust his schedule accordingly.
As expected, the kitchen was empty when Tidy arrived. He fixed himself a quick daffodil sandwich and took it to the servant's dining room, which consisted of two long tables illuminated with torches on every wall. He grabbed an extra candle from a cupboard, lit it, and sat down to eat.
He heard footsteps coming down the stairs as he took a bite out of his sandwich. "Oh, sorry," a female voice said. "I didn't think anypony would be in here. It's still early, the princess just finished raising the sun."
Tidy allowed himself a smile. "It's fine, Featherdust. I was just fixing myself a snack, and could use the company."
"So could I, actually," Featherdust said. She took a seat in front of Tidy and smiled at him. She moved her long, dark red mane away from her gray face and adjusted her wings. "Rough night?"
"You could say that," Tidy said. "The castle seemed to be in uproar when I went to bed."
"No kidding. They completely closed off the Celestial Tower. I mean, what's the point? Everypony knows that the princess is sick."
Tidy frowned. "Not officially, and you shouldn't spread rumors."
"Come on, none of the nobles are around. I'm sure you must have heard interesting gossip, being around Prince Blueblood all the time."
"If I did," Tidy said with a wink, "I wouldn't tell you."
"You're no fun," Featherdust said. "But it doesn't matter. I've been to the princess's quarters and I know that she's sick." She looked down. "Actually, I'm worried. I'm not sure what Equestria would do without Celestia."
"It's not my place to say."
"I suppose Princess Luna would take the throne," Featherdust continued as she tapped her chin. "She scares me though. Did you know that I caught her raising the sun once?"
Tidy's ears perked up of their own accord. "Oh?" he said, his curiosity getting the better of him.
Featherdust grinned. "I knew that would get your attention. She doesn't want anypony to know, but Celestia's just been pretending to raise the sun ever since she got sick. Anyway, I went to clean Luna's quarters, but I guess there was a mix up with the schedule. I've never seen her so angry. I thought she'd throw me off her balcony!"
"You're a pegasus," Tidy said. "You could have just flown away had she done that."
"It's just how scary she sounded," Featherdust continued. "It made my skin crawl. She's not kind or caring like Celestia."
"In her defense," Tidy said. "You caught her doing something nopony should see."
"I guess. I'm just afraid of what she'll do once she takes the throne."
Tidy sighed as he took another bite from his sandwich. It wasn't the first time that Featherdust exaggerated rumors and got too involved in gossip. The better course was to wait, and keep doing his job. The nobility would tend to their own problems, as they always did.
Featherdust opened her mouth, no doubt to talk about another rumor, when an earth pony maid almost fell down the stairs. "Quick!" she said. "You must come. Princess Celestia is dead!" Her white face was ruined by tears as she panted heavily. Tidy and Featherdust stood up at once.
"Where?" Tidy asked.
"Her quarters," the maid said. "Everypony is there. Doctor Shimmerheart just confirmed it."
Part of Tidy wanted to repeat his familiar speech and warn his fellow servants to stay away, but this was big. Even if Blueblood had warned him, his heart raced. "Let's go," he said as he went up the stairs in a full gallop, rushing toward the royal quarters.
He passed countless nobles, servants, and dignitaries on the way. Guards didn't even attempt to stop him as he went up the stairs to the Celestial Tower, forgetting all sense of decorum. A large crowd had gathered in the princess's chamber. "Please, everypony," Councilor Kibitz's voice called. "Remain calm and let the royal council handle these delicate matters."
Tidy managed to squeeze himself inside the room and caught a glimpse of Princess Celestia's body laying on her bed, her mane now motionless. Doctor Shimmerheart stood next to her, alongside Kibitz, Blueblood, and Silvermane. Guards surrounded the group, glaring at anypony in the crowd moving too close.
"Return to your quarters," Blueblood ordered. "I will make an announcement within the next hour."
Tidy was about to turn back and obey his master's command when a booming voice made his entire body freeze stiff. "What is the meaning of this?" Luna demanded, her voice loud and dripping with anger. "Why was I not informed at once?" The princess of the night flew over the group and landed in the middle, next to Princess Celestia's body. Tidy gulped.
Blueblood stepped forward and took a deep breath as he met Luna's gaze. "We had to discuss first, about matters of succession."
Wheels turned in Tidy's head. The books about unicornian succession, Blueblood's mysterious letter, even the conversation he had with Tidy, it all started to make sense.
Luna gasped. "There is nothing to discuss. I understand my duty. None of you may keep me from grieving for my sister or assuming my duties. I will take up the throne, with Twilight Sparkle by my side."
Blueblood took a firm step toward Luna. "Princess Twilight may rule, Your Highness, but you will not. You see, we kept an eye on you. You've been keeping to yourself, refusing to acquaint yourself with this century. The ponies of Equestria do not love you; they fear you. We've also heard troubling rumors about you entering ponies' dreams, to control them perhaps? Then there is all the time you spent in here, alone with Princess Celestia."
Luna breathed in and out. Tidy's knees shook as he took a step backwards, like most ponies in the crowd. "What are you implying, Blueblood? You would dare accuse me of a crime as heinous as controlling ponies' dreams? I help ponies overcome their nightmares, you ignorant mule." She turned toward the crowd. "As for all of you, how dare you follow him? This is obviously a plot."
Silence fell in the room. No doubt none of the nobles wanted to test the princess's wrath. Tidy nervously looked around, but he was now surrounded by terrified ponies with no way out.
Captain Silvermane stepped forward. "Evidence has been brought forward, Your Highness. The royal guards stand with Prince Blueblood."
"Evidence?" Luna spat. "What kind of evidence?"
Blueblood took a deep breath. "It will be brought to your attention before your trial. You will have a chance to review it and defend yourself, but you will not take the throne. We have not forgotten how you tried to take over Equestria twice already as Nightmare Moon. My dear aunt showed you nothing but compassion, and now you murder her?" Tears fell down Blueblood's cheeks. "This is how you repay her?"
"Murder?" Luna said, her voice filled with shock. "You would dare make such an accusation?"
"Princess Luna," Blueblood continued, staring at Luna. "In the name of Equestria, I hereby place you under arrest for the murder of Princess Celestia. Captain Silvermane, take her to the dungeon."
Tidy stared at the scene with his mouth agape. Before he could begin to comprehend what was unfolding, Luna lowered her body in a fighting stance and her horn started glowing, blinding him and no doubt everypony else. Tidy shielded his eyes as he felt a wave of heat coming from the center of the room.
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8737669
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I certainly had a blast writing it.
8737742
I'll admit, could have been a nice line to add. I have to say that I prefer Discord when we're not sure what to make of him. I like him best when he's kind of helpful, but also kind of a dick.
8737752
I added stuff after posting. A little unfair of me since I don't know if you answered before I put it there or not, sorry for that.
Well, the matter really just comes down to Discord not being neutral even when he's cryptic. His default expression is 'crazy, smug smirk'. Since he's so emotive, not getting any info seems strange, like a blank helmet on a clown. Heck, it would be something if he made a serious face! It's just so... weird not getting anything!
By the way, I do like this prologue version very much. You give both Luna and Blueblood characters, nicely contrasting characters at that. You set up possible reasons why ponies might not default to worshipping Luna now that Celestia is no more. Moreover, there's some openness with Blueblood's behaviour and foreshadowing too: Is he drinking and crying because he's scared of losing Celestia? Is it guilt gnawing at him? Is it both? We don't know yet, but we do know he's trying to drown something in alcohol.
In fact, it makes him so much more complex a character, he wouldn't quite fit how he comes across most of the story!
Now then, that the story is finally over... I think there's one point of criticism I need to mention. That being, sometimes it feels like there are scenes the story's... missing, kinda. Things that are set up but don't get payoff.
For example, the massacre during the Manehattan peace talks. Blueblood has the hostages executed to send Luna a message... but we never see her getting it. And that's a shame, because these are the kind of consequences of one's actions that create actual drama.
Similarly, Fancypants' and Soarin's fates are mere footnotes. We get zero reactions out of Twilight or Shining at the death of their parents in Canterlot. I'm not even sure they acknowledged it at all. Octavia called Canterlot a cancer, but we only get some mumbling out of her when it falls. We hear nothing from Scootaloo after Luna died, other than that she's become quiet. What of the Crusaders' involvement the raid on Ponyville?
You created so many interesting, unique situations that would have been wonderful to see explored more.
Lovin’ the name you gave Rarity’s filly.
It was a great story from start to finish despite its rough going over the two years in the making. Well worth the wait and read.
Cheers, Roranicus! On to the next one, eh?
8737871
Honestly, I fully agree on this one, and I think it's one of the major issues with the story. I was very ambitious about it, and some subplots suffered because of it. In hindsight, I might have been better off focusing on Rarity, Silvermane, and Blueblood, keeping it more contained. I'll talk about it more when I go through my retrospective.
8737890
Thanks for the kind words. As for the next one, it's not going to be fanfiction, but a science fiction novel titled "Opt Out". I finished the first draft and already started reworking it based on proofreader feedback. I'm not quite ready to give out details about it, but will blog about it in the future.
8738492
I can't wait to read your take on it. Though I also have a sense that cutting things might not be the best approach. Perhaps things were hampered by every chapter having one particular viewpoint character. Things like Luna seeing the executed hostages, Shining and Twilight learning Soarin's action got their parents killed, and how the populace reacts to the reveal of certain things (Luna using children, the Manehattan massacre, Blueblood inviting Griffons who eat ponies), maybe they could be profited from some exploring in smaller scenes. Intermission chapters with minor, maybe even one-shot characters.
Thing is, if you stuck with a smaller cast, would these things still have happened? And if they did, wouldn't readers still want to see something done with it? Perhaps if we never got to see the both sides at all, but that carries the risk of making it not as attractive to many readers who wanted to follow Rainbow, Shining Armor, Pinkie, Luna, and Fluttershy.
8739656
Well, either approach would face different problem, and it would change the story significantly. As it is now, it suffers from many unsatisfying subplots, since there's so much going on. However, going too deep into it would lenghten a story that's already pretty long. Many readers, yourself included if I remember properly, mentioned the story was dragging a few chapters ago.
I'll use Cloudsdale as an example. The storyline there pretty much died out after Rainbow was gone. I came up with the Soarin chapters at the last minute in an attempt to adress this, and I'm not sure it worked too well. Unlike Canterlot, Cloudsdale lacked conflict. I could have given Octavia pov chapters, with her and Soarin not seeing eye to eye. It would have made the story even longer though. Simplifying, however, would strip the story of interesting chapters. A lack of Cloudsdale chapters would have made them clear villains, rather than a faction some people can root for.
Here's an interesting stat. I have a spreadsheet that keeps track of pretty much everything in the story. I have a grand total of 101 characters on it. Granted, some of them are very minor, and are only included so I'd remember which background pony I assigned to which faction. Still, those are named characters, and the fandom being what it is, most of these characters do have fans. (Except, of course, for the OCs I created. I'd be very surprised if Coral Drifter or Legerity have a fandom.) I tried as hard as I could to give closure to as many characters as I could, but as you pointed out, some get little more than a footnote.
In the end, that's something I realized a few months ago. No ending could possibly hold up to people's expectations, because everyone latched on to different aspects of the story.
Anyway, this might be a rambly post, sorry about that. My plan is to read the entire story, and then write my retrospective.
8739702
I don't remember complaining about the story dragging on. Did I really do that? Hmm. I do remember saying I was running out of characters to be invested in. Maybe more chapters would have helped. It's a strange thing, really, because you managed to do things that took me completely by surprise, for example: Ponies blame Soarin for the destruction of Canterlot. Nobody knows it wasn't really his fault, that the Griffons weakened the support beams. That the blame landed squarely on Soarin both makes sense and is something I did not foresee at all. And yet, we only get a fraction of the emotional impact it should have...
Well. I took up enough of your time, going in circles. So, let me end by saying I wouldn't have minded more chapters. Not at all.
8744279
You're not wasting my time at all, lol. Your comments are super insightful and helped me a ton. Even if I don't make changes in this story, I take note of them for future project.
It's funny what you say about emotional impact. I'm reading the story again, and I feel like I force emotions way too much in the early chapters. I'd like to hear more about the lack of emotional impact in the ending though. Are you refering to subplots like Soarin that don't really get a place in the epilogue, or something more?
As far as ponies blaming Soarin, I didn't feel like it would make sense for every single conspiracy to come to light. For the same reason, Twilight and Shining never learn what their parents did. In the end, he certainly has his share of the blame.
8745056
That's really interesting to read. Though I don't know what instance you would refer to as "forcing".
The part with Soarin is one of the instances where the gravity of what happened feels... underaddressed? That's probably not the right way to say it. Thing is, the destruction of Canterlot should be very personal to Twilight Sparkle and Shining Armor and Spike even. Their parents were in the city when it fell. Nothing suggests they survived it. That makes Soarin the man who murdered Princess Twilight Sparkle's parents, the princess who is universally loved and adored. However, we don't get to know if that has any impact on anyone. Not even Twilight Sparkle herself, who vaporised a Griffon for murdering one of her best friends.
I'm not even saying Shining and her have to hate Soarin. They might have forgiven him. They might hate him with a burning fury. They might have decided not to press the issue until the Griffon threat is contained. Or anything in between. But we don't get any information about it. The one thing we learn is Soarin can't be released without a riot, so I guess ponies don't like him..?
Contrast that to scenes like Spitfire's execution. We could feel the hate most Canterlotians expressed for her. We could see the determination of the Lunars when they charged in. We saw her be defiant first, then break down. It was one of the most emotionally impactful chapters out of all of them.
The aftermath of Canterlot's destruction should be more like that. Even if characters agree to grieve later, we should see their grief when it's time. Canterlot not only housed Princess Twilight's parents, it was her birthplace, the home of her oldest friends, it's the place where Celestia's body was interred, where the throne Luna hoped to take was situated, and so many other things. And yet, we have no idea how, for example, Twilight and Shining truly feel about it. And one of them is even a viewpoint character.
8747067
I was mostly refering to the first chapter, and how I go on for way too long about Celestia's death and how sad Twilight is. As far as Soarin goes, it did fall through the cracks. I honesty considered his story over after the last chapter. I'll take note of your feedback for future projects.
8746703
Or any war landscape, really. I had WW1/WW2 in mind when writing that description.
I must say, I'm very much enjoying this story so far. It reminds me of the Madness of King George, a play detailing the regency crisis after the King was overwhelmed by his illness.
Great Work!
8753955
Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it.
8754979
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.
Hmmmm...good question
.
8754986
There's an extra "that" in there, and it really annoys me. I guess that's the issue with alternate chapters. They don't go through thorough editing. But then, it's nowhere near as bad as the early chapters, lol.
8754994
. Still am at the moment
.
Yeah, that happened to me while I was making the first story to my AU series
8755041
Well, fanfiction is a great way to learn, and since we tend to start publishing before the entire story's written, there's usually a noticeable improvement in quality as the story goes on. It's a much different dynamic than writing everything, and then reworking it in one go. It's what I'm doing right now, with my novel.
8755138
. Mainly Fimfiction
.
Yeah...fan fiction and Fimfiction are both great sights to be on
Well, I finally finished this amazing story. The constant twists and turns never failed to surprise me and leave me shocked. I often found myself wondering who to root for and I must say, that is a mark of good storytelling. I hope that this story gains more attention. You deserve as much.
I would hope for a sequel if it didn’t end so perfectly.
Thanks for the ride and good luck with your novel.
8765451
Thanks. I did note a few possible ideas for a sequel, mostly focusing on the griffon side of things. In all honesty though, I doubt I'll ever write it. As you said, I do feel like the story mostly ties itself well. After 3 years spent in that universe, I'll admit that it's a bit of a relief to move on, haha.
8766438
I can imagine the relief of finishing a three year piece of work so I don’t blame you.
Besides, now you have your novel to keep you busy.
Good luck by the way. I look forward to anything else that you may put out in the future.
8770525
It's pretty surreal. The novel has been keeping me busy though. I'll blog about it once it's released. I have to say that I definitely enjoy writing my own characters more. It takes longer to get it going, as I had to build everything from scratch. More satisfying though.
This fic has 2 unforgivable sins:Luna dies, everyone's suicidal, and 'The characters motivations and actions don't drive the plot so much as the plot and author fiat drives the characters actions and motivations.'
First some background. I won't say I was suicidal exactly, because I never had the courage to try. But it did lead to self insert fantasies about anime and games and saving the world, coincidentally dying in the process. This ultimately culminated and stopped after watching Neon Genesis Evangelion multiple times and reading a dozen or so fanfics about it.
Ultimately I decided that if I ever did go to that world, I'd nuke it ASAP. Too many factions want the world to go boom, can't fix myself so how can I fix 3 emotionally damaged teens, and I realized that above all I LOATHE Seele, and my own desires. Seele don't think life is worth living anymore. That's fine, it's their choice...until they decide that life isn't worth living for ANYONE so might as well kill everybody. My own power fantasies had reached such a point that there was no way I could save the world, and i the world was destroyed because of my own actions, or those who fought me...
This may inform why I generally dislike war fics about FiM. From a fantasy standpoint, the Sun and Moon being controlled by immortal beings is awesome. From a realistic standpoint, it's fucking horrifying! Just look at what happens when Luna dies! Twilight was kidnapped solely because she could solve the plot within 5 chapters, unicorns are useless, the griffons haven't gotten their Celestial machine running yet. Winter and/or Windigos have come to freeze the planet thanks to Eternal Night, and only Deus Ex Machina saves the...day.
I went into this expecting to be rubbed the wrong way a bit, but gave it a chance.If you want to threaten Celestia and Luna with war and death, ENSURE that I know that either normal physics will take back over, or that the offending faction has a plan! Hell, that they don't believe that Celestia and Luna actually raise the Sun and moon would work. Poorly, but somewhat palatable. Yes the griffons had that machine, but it came off as more of an afterthought. The griffons were all "GLORY GLORY GLORY!" They fucking POISON Celestia before their machine was even remotely usable. Maybe Antoine convinced Blueblood to help with the assassination and the coverup, but that makes it WORSE as that could only piss off Luna and you are then RELYING on her being the better pony and continuing her Celestial duties. hard to have a glorious Empire ruling over frozen corpses, so the griffons come down as retardedly suicidal.
I made the mistake of looking at the last page of comments, so spoiled myself that Luna died, which killed half my interest in the story. I soldiers on, hoping some good would come of it, but no. Fucking LIGHTNING FUCKING DUST stabs her in the back! Why? Lunacy I guess, i couldn't follow that at all. LD blames Luna for her losing her feather? FOr LD's war crimes? For not winning quick enough? SO SHE DOOMS THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD?!?!?!
I refuse to believe that LD was so high up in the command structure and DIDN'T know that Luna was controlling the Sun and Moon. #@$*&^@!
In hindsight, the prologue was enough of a tip off. Yes I have Luna-bias, but my first impressions from the prologue were "Uh, wut. So Celestia is drained from raising the Sun and Moon for 1000 years. OK, how does that even translate to Cough of Death and dying." and "Luna is too obvious a culprit, except the doctor" and NO ONE SUSPECTS Shimmering Heart!
Then there's Silvermane's RIDICULOUS "motives" and actions. She killed Celestia. End of story. She conspired to poison Celestia and pin it on Luna. There is no other explanation. This moonleaf poison is stupid, either it'd be undetectable even during an autopsy, kill quickly, or...I don't even know. Silvermane wants to PROTECT Equestria...by POISONING her ruler. There is NO way that an autopsy revealed the exact poison in just 12 hours, AND for the parties to find more and plant it in Luna's quarters. Silvermane OR Shimmering Heart HAD to be in on it.
For fucks sake we don't even get an explanation for her not doing an investigation on why Celestia is dying. The only reason that Luna escaped the wedding, the paranoid guard that Shining EXPLICITLY promoted to see this stuff, and she fails? Doesn't even TRY?
Now for Twilight(and Chrysalis). Everypony could agree that Twilight could, in time, solve the plot, so she had to fucking go. So Queen Chrysalis was engineered to fight her, subdue her, and give her to the griffons. Um...yeah. Somehow I'm supposed to believe she went along with this griffon plot because she wants revenge?
No. It WOULD be a decent motivation had Luna not run away and Blueblood wanting her head on a pike. It doesn't take a lot of foresight to see this civil war coming. Hell, later you imply the Wendigos come so how the hell are the changelings going to feed on love in Warquestria?
Oh, and then for similar plot reasons she happens to impersonate Fluttershy in a cocoon that Applejack simply stumbled upon because she was the only one who could tell the mane 6 the truth.
Honestly the only viewpoint characters that had their head on even somewhat straight was Shining Armor, Fluttershy(for the most part), and Rarity. 'm not sure if Luna would count or not. Until you had her get married somehow still believing that these ponies around her had souls, and THEN making her pregnant because the tragedy needs to be upped even more! That was where I downvoted.
Probably more I'm forgetting about but I'll close with the ending. Twilight's "Insurance" and Antoine. I hate Pinkie, but I just didn't care when she died, mostly because it was a senseless act by a suicidal retard. As for Twilight's insurance....yeah. Somehow she can find a comet in the darkness of space and alter its trajectory without starcharts, a telescope, or anything or that nature to just FIND the damn rock...yet the Sun and Mon are too much for her. She needs THE MAGIC OF FRIENDSHIP, even without Pinkie.
It sounds like you're done with this story, and I'm not sure why I typed all this. I think it's obvious that I didn't like it, but...maybe that's a good thing? It did bother me enough to where I kept thinking(and probably overthinking) a lot of plotpoints, that I felt I SHOULD a least comment on it.
This is an outstanding story, but it bites off more than it can chew and it shows BADLY.
This story would be amazing if each plot line was broken up into its own, focused arc. As it is, the story tries to do so much at one time that it trips over itself in order to circle back to the "WE GOTTA FIND TWILIGHT!"-story arc.
Wow this took a long time to make! I haven't read it yet so I'm expecting a masterpiece judging by how much help, time, and effort you seem to have put into this story. Best of luck on future projects.
8957994
Masterpiece might be a bit strong of a word. It is my first story, after all. Still, I do hope you enjoy it.
8962497
I am about to begin reading and it seems good but unless it is Kkat level I doubt it will be a masterpiece
9012539
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Thank you
9198206
Thanks. It's something that was always important for me. In war, people don't die in heroic blazes of glory. They rarely get to make one last stand. Death happens quickly, brutaly, with little chance to prepare.
You can has review!
9367315
True, I think many of us would act differently if we had more experience, be it writing or not. Other than that, I saw the blog about your book, and I have to say that I think it's great when authors of fanfictions go onwards into, well, non 'FAN' fiction. I'll be sure to look out for it and I hope there will be an e-book.
9368031
There will definitely be an ebook. So far, the physical book is what I'm uncertain about. I might wait to see how well the electronic version does before committing to a paper print. I'm still working out the details.
As far as moving toward my own original creation, I just see it as the next logical step. Fanfiction is fun, but it can be a bit of a crutch. You have premade characters, settings, backstories, etc. It's fun to theorize about this stuff, but it's not completely my creation. Switching to my own original fiction was a bit stressful at first. The biggest challenge was not knowing from the start that my characters are working out. Before starting Sunny Days, I knew that, say, Rarity was a good character people were invested in. Took more work to get my own characters in Opt Out to this point.
9697751
I don't think the equestrians would like that but If I have the Zeus power's from Arma 3. Then I would so hang him. ( Just look up Arma 3 Zeus on YT. I would have an army so no one put's me in jail for killing him. )
10217952
It is very good man.
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It really does
10219416
Thanks. Glad you enjoy it.
10220529
That's interesting. I think you might be the first reader who sided with him like that.
10221954
Haha, I suspected that comment was coming.
10223585
Thank you very much, I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'll admit that I tend to look back at this story and only see its flaws, so it's nice to see it being appreciated.
I'm 3/4 way thru and the shock of the TWISTS you throw in chill me to the bone each time.
RD's events are chillingly visceral, the change in the war that just happened will haunt my thoughts for days.
What will happen next? I'm actually nervous to find out.
I'm 99% sure about the title's meaning relating to the new Royal Family, but I'll have to get there to find out.
God, the problems that just came up.
They should let HER see the end of the war to understand what she's done.
No spoilers!
10263743
Thanks. I'm glad you're getting a kick out of it.
10264837
A KICK?!?!
Pinkie just... The gryphons are... I'm near the end of the book and I'm freaking out right now!
Well, that was a fantastic read and I thank you for writing it. While it's not a true favorite I'll have on my mind much, it's still something special to me and I've put it in my favs.
A rare thing, indeed.