I'm a long time science fiction and animation fan who stumbled into My Little Pony fandom and got caught -- I guess I'm a Brony Forever now.
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On the outskirts of the Everfree, interstate trucker Long Haul picks up a strange young woman and gives her a ride across the river.
Very much inspired by Blackmore's Night's "I Guess It Doesn't Matter Any More," a song about a Hitchhiking Cute Ghost Girl; and -- of course -- by Story of the Blanks.
Now with an entry on TVTropes.
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Great ghost story.
I wonder, a gun with blessed bullets, A stormy night where the dead walk, and a curse in the air. Perhaps Long Haul might yet walk away from this. And now I'm wondering, in this world, what was the origin of the curse?
Love it so far :3 can't wait for more.
Heh. Nice names for Edison and Ford. (Even if Spark Bulb stole a fair chunk of ideas from Power Coil.)
Hmm. A vehicle going down the edge of the Everfree in foggy weather. Well, doesn't this seem familiar?
With zombie critter friend! Also a bunch of random paraphernalia from other playsets.
Lovely job establishing the creepy atmosphere. I quite look forward to seeing how this Ruby came to her current circumstance, and just why she wants to get to wherever she's going.
Awesome. Looking forward to chapter two
So... Is this truly incomplete? The chapter seems like it could go on, but the author's note seems like a hard stop. Also:
...can I steal this? That's a killer title (or at least a prompt).
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There's a second chapter half-written and a third plotted; I might do a short epilogue also.
Ruby!!!! She's my favorite pony! Wrote my first fic on story of the blanks. Love this picture of her!
Needs some editing work, but otherwise I'm intrigued. Not a whole lot of fimfics based on tales from folklore, so this is delightfully fresh for my tastes.
Gonna track this. Can;t wait for the rest of the story.
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Sure, I don't mind. The original reference is to Ruby's Sanctum as viewed by Snails in Fools and Drunks, the product of a combination of Ruby's being a millennium-old packrat and (psychologically weird) teenager. He called it the 'Teenage Filly Bedroom of the Damned" in his own mind.
This is Humanoid Ruby here, but it's the same basic concept.
It's not polite to stare, Long Haul. Understandable, given the circumstances, but not polite.
Ah. I see that Ruby's kept up with language trends less well than she has those of fashion. Though I suppose that may be a case of ingrained habits being hard to overcome.
Wow. It takes a unique kind of mind to come out of a ghost story alive and feel unsatisfied with the outcome. There's curiosity, there's decency, and then there's not being able to appreciate one's own good fortune. Though, as you note, some of that comes from Long Haul not knowing which part of the genre he's in.
I'd question Grey Hoof still being named that, but Sunney Towne clearly met its misfortune in a time when the horse was the principal means of terrestrial propulsion. Of course, nowadays, mankind has made certain advances, like Long's anti-party hand cannon...
Sounds like the old 'disappearing hitchhiker' legend, classic
OK I like Long Haul's ability not to deny reality. Ghost girl in his cab, doesn't argue with the idea it isn't happening, he just rolls with it. I also like as soon as he hears the warning he bugs out, or at least tries to. Now the only thing to see is if his military training will serve him in good steed.
I wonder if Long haul heard of Something Wicked This Way Come. Cause that might help him in the long run.
7444347
Long Haul's mistake, if he made one, was walking around the truck to check the passenger side of the cab. That gave Grey Hoof the time to (invisibly) phase through the door. He actually entered when Long Haul was walking back to the driver's side. The clue is the big ectoplasm spatter on the inside. Grey Hoof is a lot bigger than his daughter Ruby.
To be fair to Long Haul, he thought this was the vanilla version of the Ghost Hitchhiker urban legend. He had no reason to suspect, after encountering Ruby, the Friendly Cute Ghost Girl, that he was facing a whole village of Wraiths. Nor did Ruby realize that anyone was waiting for Long Haul that far out from Sunney Towne.
There's an explicit reason for Ruby's mistake, but I don't want to reveal it yet.
At least he should hopefully be able to get some help from one of the wraiths other then Ruby.
A battle of wits it will be then. This too is a old story, Of words and gambles and maybe death or life won from it's grip. If he's lucky, clever, and brave he'll just have some interesting scars and a story to tell at bars. If not well, it'll be a long wait in the dark...
Well now. This hints at a very interesting history, and one quite distinct from our world's. This one seems much less magical than Equestria, but doom and undeath still befell Sunney Towne somehow.
As for the more immediate concern, Grey Hoof has forgotten that most critical point enchanters need to bear in mind: Don't hurt your would-be mind slave. It does wonders for mental resistance. Still, at some point, he's going to crack further, and that won't end well for Long Haul. This next part is going to be quite tense.
I was just reading up on several of M.R. James' stories, so this is a delight to find. And you know how I love folklore, which only makes it better.
Other have commented on/clarified just who the names are really referring to, and I liked that bit about what 'jackknifing' is. I always thought it meant when the truck cab stopped but for whatever reason the trailer didn't and smashed into the cab from behind.
It was just a brief glimpse, but it was a shape out of nightmare, though horribly in her exact proportions, making it obvious that it was still the girl. It was a fleshless horror of naked, black-charred bones, from which rose greasy smoke, filling the cab with a nauseous stench of burned flesh. The skull turned to regard him, orbs of golden flame flaring in its empty sockets, jaws gaping open and the back of one hand covering the mouth in a parody of a frightened woman's gesture, the exposed phalanges failing to completely cover the mouth.
The description reminds me an awful lot of Charman in California's Ojai Valley.
And he met Gray Hoof. This just went from bad to worse.
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Ruby was embarrassed that he saw her Death Aspect. Even more than his seeing her nude. Brief casual nudity was less taboo in her breathing days than it is today, though she wouldn't have run around naked for any length of time around strangers.
Yeah. Ruby doesn't want to hurt anyone. Grey Hoof does.
An excellent climax and a an enjoyably surreal denouement. Grey Hoof may be the worst party person in all of history, but he can still lighten the mood.
A fascinating glimpse into the more occult side of your take on this particular universe. Thank you for it. I definitely look forward to further information on the historical aspects of the story. (I can only imagine how this world's Luna would react to the Sunney Towners, and vice versa.)
Oh well played, well played indeed. So our good hero has won his life and freedom, but at the cost of a bit of sanity. But hey, wisdom doesn't come without cost, and maybe having friends in odd places will be useful latter.
The only question I have is what could actually put Grey Hoof into true death, weapon wise...
7458254
I'm glad you like the way I handled it. I knew when I wrote this story that there were two places I could go with it.
Humanoid-Ruby wasn't going to hurt anyone, nor was she going to tell the secrets of her family to a complete stranger for no reason (Pony-Ruby actually has a good reason to tell Snips and Snails in Fools and Drunks, as they're caught up in the central horror of Sunney Towne). If we end the story with the encounter with her, then it ends like the song, with the protagonist simply noting her mysterious disapearance from the vehicle when he gets her to her destination.
Ruby would have been perfectly-happy to end it there.
THe other way was the one I chose, which was to have other Sunney Towne ghosts interfere. And unless the other ghosts were Mitta or Three Leaf (neither of whom would have had any reason to molest Long Haul) this meant a violent climax. Sci Fi Channel movie stuff, turning a creepy urban legend into a fight.
The reasons I went with that second option were (1) Long Haul was riding with Chekov's Gun in his dashboard compartment (and had even shoved it into his inner jacket pocket). It was just asking, in a narrative sense, to be used. (Okay, I admit I'm easy where that sort of temptation is concerned); (2) my version of Grey Hoof is in my opinion an utterly hilarious walking (and sometimes levitating) demonstration of Evil Affability, but with just enough a tinge of Affable Evil that he's almost likeable even when he's planning to kill you and turn you into zombie slave labor (That remaining tinge of true Affability is one reason Ruby can't emotionally give up on him -- he's really a Fallen Hero, as Fools and Drunks makes plain, and Ruby hopes that in the end he will make a Heel Face Turn.)
And it pretty much had to be Grey Hoof: Gladstone isn't subtle enough, and while Starlet and Roneo are evil, they're more into loving each other than hunting victims, Grey Hoof's explicit orders are about the only thing that will get them out of just making goo-goo eyes (or more) with one another. Which is okay because myGrey Hoof can carry a scene just fine himself. And be both fun and menacing. Sometimes at the same time.
This meant that I had to go for the dramatic confrontation between Long Haul and Grey Hoof. Which meant that it was going to boil down to Long Haul using his pistol with the blessed bullets, against Grey Haul's (un-)natural powers. Which created a problem because, unless I absurdly-hammed it up (and I shouldn't, Long Haul, unlike Grey Hoof, isn't all that showy) the final fight would be fairly quick. And I wanted a confrontation that would reveal the characters of both Long Haul and Grey Hoof.
I got away with it by having Grey Hoof first hurt Long Haul a little bit just to demonstrate his power. This made sense because Grey Hoof needed to frighten the (brave) Long Haul in order to control him; and it slowed the final confrontation because Long Haul can't strart fighting until his right hand recovers a bit, while Grey Hoof doesn't want to kill Long Haul (and turn him into a thrall) until he's made ample use of Long Haul's driving and repair skills (which he can't as well when Long Haul's a thrall because thralls are stupid compared to what they were in life).
So they both have reasons to hold back and actually have a conversation before the fight. Which is dramatically quite useful.
The fight itself is really quick, as you may have noticed. I describe everything that happens in detail, but it's over in a matter of seconds. It's a vicious little duel, and Long Haul only stops shooting, really, because he's running out of ammunition and the rest of his ammo is in the truck. I"m glad you found it worked well.
The denouement almost wasn't there: I was going to have Long Haul just pile in the truck and leave after shooting Grey Hoof. Really, that's what he wanted to do. A combination of momentary exhaustion from the (more severe) wound he took during the fight and the fact that the other wraiths were following fast behind them (Ruby was in "find Daddy" mode) -- and that Long Haul didn't want to turn his back on present foes to climb into his cab when he knew they could go right through the body of the truck to get him led to the (fairly short) conversation he has with Ruby and Mitta.
Three Leaf, whom I really like as a character, didn't get to say much in that scene. I'm sorry about that, but she insisted to me that her priorities were "stop the fight" and "help Grey Hoof." Engaging the dangerous mortal who was wielding the enchanted weapon in extensive conversation just wasn't on her short list. And Three Leaf is actually fairly shy with strangers; she always was, all the way to the scenes I've written for her in her breathing days.
In fact, that denouement was pretty much written by the characters, which is when you know you're really in the groove writing a scene. That's why Grey Hoof gets that last grumble -- he had been hoping that it was Gladstone or Roneo and Starlet coming up -- he was pissed when it was insted the three most peaceful of his followers. (He loves all three of them, but he knows that their hearts aren't into killing, and he's well aware that Green Leaf is perfectly capable of misinterpreting even direct orders to let mortals escape, while Ruby and Mitta will flat-out defy such orders). I hadn't meant to write that line, but Grey Hoof -- lying temporarily crippled by his wounds and listening to Long Haul, the man who had just shot him, exchanging pleasantries with his daughter and ex-wife was simply too much.
I was originally going to have him try to persuade Three Leaf to attack Long Haul, but Grey Hoof told me "What's the use? I just know she won't. Live with a woman a thousand years, you learn a few things about her character ..." And I had to agree with him.
I've started thinking about the Angel Sisters because of this. They obviously don't have a full awareness of what's really going on, not as much as do their Pony counterparts the Alicorn Sisters. I'm thinking that they may be repeatedly reincarnated instead of living through the intervening millennium. Principal Celestia and Principal Luna may well be mortal in their current bodies and only aware of the fact that they are exceptionally intelligent and healthy Humans, who sometimes have strange insights and act as Weirdness Magnets.
Of course, if the Sisters exist in that world, Dissy has to be out there somewhere. It's Arc Words for my Cosmics that Fusion and Gravity are always together, and Dissonance follows along behind Fusion -- as always. It's even physics, as it's their interaction that spawns planetary systems.
I'm sort of afraid to make headcanon about Humanoid Dissy, though, with an Equestria Girls movie coming out in a couple months. Even if they claim he won't be in it.
Dissy doesn't follow the rules.
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I used to run Call of Cthulhu games, and in CoC terms Long Haul had a high Power (and thus Sanity) to begin with, but has definitely lost a few SAN points in this adventure. Ruby and Mitta definitely like him. Grey Hoof is torn between hostility and respect. Green Leaf has nothing really against him, other than his shooting Grey Hoof (and he didn't do any real long term harm to her lover).
Long Haul might be even more worried if he knew that Ruby has the power to find him whenever she wants (she can find anything she wants that is findable; that's her Talent) and that she's the least bound to Sunney Towne of any of the Wraiths. Also, that she might be tempted to do so if she had a problem which only a mortal could help her with, because she actually likes him. Happily, he doesn't know this yet.
He's held to this plane by the Curse of Nightmare Moon, so an Angel Bane also able to affect desolid entities would probably be able to do the trick. Those aren't exactly common weapons, though.
Ruby rules. Enough said.
7463720
Ruby is Best Ghost. Pony or Human.
And that's it for Grey Hoof (temporarily). I have to say, there are elements about Long Haul that remind me of John the Balladeer.
7467607
I'll take that as a compliment, especially since my fascination with Story of the Blanks began with (your version of) John in My Little Balladeer. I do see the similarities: both are honorable, intelligent working-class heroes with considerable courage and some militry experience, though John's more mystic and scholarly than is Long Haul.
I hope the fight was choreographed well and came off as both fictionally-entertaining and factually-plausible (well, as plausible as possible given that Grey Hoof is a ghost capable of levitation, phasing and life-draining chilling touch). I wanted it to be detailed but not too terribly drawn-out -- I figure it took maybe 10-20 seconds of actual time, if that much.
"Trucker"
This sentence is corrupt:
"Seem" "About"
Okay I can't take this annoying in-depth description of EVERY little damn thing in this story man. Relearn just HOW to make a story where you won't bore someone into sleep and then maybe I'll be back.
7470717
A lot of people like my style, and I"m not sure which act of description offended you so. I want the reader to be able to know what is going on in enough detail that he can engage in multi-sensory imagination. I'm sorry if you're a slow reader. Keep reading, and you'll get better at it.
Hopefully, The humane 5, Miss SciTwi, Mister Spike The Dog, the other Campers, and Miss Sunset Shimmer will not meet Grey Hoof at Camp Everfree or wonder into Sunney Towne.
7470865
Heh ... the forest's big. They'll probably run into something worse.
That song towards the end left a very spooky impression.
Considering that Long Haul is a new protagonist who does not have "plot armor", it leaves me uncertain whether he would survive any deadly surprises. Here's hoping.
Well crap. I have to give Long Haul credit for his genre saviness, but apparently it was NOT enough. He's in real trouble now.
Long Haul only has one chance to survive this. I hope he does.
HURAH!
Phew. He got away. Very happy he survived.
7476100
Foreshadowing, and establishing a strange-resonant link between EQG and the main Ponyverse.
Long Haul being an OC meant I could do anything I wanted to him, yes. Also, the tale wouldn't have worked as well with teenagers.
7476258
He's Wrong Subgenre Savvy. He's thinking creepy ghost story but his situation is closer to a straight-out survival horror story. To be fair, he had no way of knowing this until Grey Hoof showed up.
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Yeah. It's pretty desperate. His only effective weapon is the gun, and at close range Grey Hoof could overwhelm him before he got the chance to get a good shot, unless Long Haul times his attack well.
7477991
I'm glad you liked Long Haul's climactic line.
7478023
... and denouement.
This is the first story of yours that I have read, and I rather like it. I love a good ghost story, and I get the feeling that this ghost story has a history behind it of which I am likely unaware. Still, great job! :)
A couple typos:
Missing italics:
Better visibility conditions for when I get the hell outta here.
7477991 Darn tootin.
I am very curious about this world’s history. I don’t imagine the original events involving Sunney Towne’s history could have played out in the same way, as Amazing Technicolor Humanoids don’t acquire cutie marks the way ponies do. I don’t remember if you said whether or not the Cataclysm happened in this universe, but the Sun-Queen and Moon-Queen would likely have had differences in their early lives compared to pony Celestia and Luna anyway. Which makes me wonder exactly where and how long they ruled, and how much is known about them and considered historical fact to people of the present day. (I haven’t seen Rollercoaster of Friendship yet, but apparently it involves a Nightmare Moon amusement park attraction, which might be a hint. That wouldn’t explain the other Equestria-related attractions though.)
Here’s an interesting depiction of what the Sun-Queen and Moon-Queen may have looked like: https://www.deviantart.com/e-e-r/art/The-Royal-Sisters-643590828
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She's my waifu. Got a plush made for her. She's the ghost you take home to mama. A shame she's a ghost though.