• Member Since 1st Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen Feb 10th, 2016

FunFunFUN


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When I came here I was tagged as #057 of Appaloosa. I didn't stay long, I want to travel Equestria and have fun but when you have bad tempered people such as myself and a couple dozen ponies who hates humans meet it gets worse as it goes.

Chapters (4)
Comments ( 11 )

I would recommend adding this to some groups if you haven't already, it helps rake in views like a ho rakes in the dough.

"I came here to see what I can find, I want to travel different world and see what it hold for me." -> "I came here to see what I could find. I want to travel a different world and see what it might hold for me."

I would suggest adding a bit of that #057 hook to your short description.

I didn't stay long,

This doesn't seem to imply the same level of oppression that being tagged with a number would.

I want to travel Equestria and have fun

"because I wanted to travel Equestria and have fun."

but when you have (bad tempered people such as myself) and (a couple dozen ponies who hates humans) meet

Separating the phrase "___ and ___ meet" with two long noun phrases makes the whole sentence awkward and confusing to parse. I would also recommend separating this part from the part before, as in making it a new sentence.

it gets worse as it goes.

I only know what this means via context clues and definitional reasoning, but this isn't the phrase you seem to think it is. This also adds to the confusion of the sentence, because it wraps another phrase around the preceding one. "when you have ___ [then] it gets worse as it goes."

All together, I hesitate to read the actual story from the errors in the "long" and short descriptions, though the idea of human segregation and tagging in Equestria is very intriguing.

4937777 Trust me I did a admin named meester hated it so I had to change it completely or he would delete it and suspend my profile like WTF!?!

4937784

Hated what, the description? Because whatever you've done, it's not enough.

4937793 Thats to much to type:raritydespair: but doesn't matter still I had to change it, I forgot to change the random tag too. Anyway thanks for viewing!:ajsmug:

I was of chosen because the real number fifty-seven was not here to receive the ticket. I was supposed to be fifty-eight in a later on but hey I’m not complaining.

Yeah, correcting this chapter would take me over an hour, maybe even over two hours. And that's just 1200 words. In the past, I would have thought it was impossible to make one mistake in every sentence, let alone achieve the sheer density of errors that you have.

This is too error-ridden to even try editing. Try running this through Microsoft Word or OpenOffice first, and then try reading it aloud, or having it read aloud to you, because this story isn't fit for consumption.

4937846

Did you, um, even read what I wrote? Because "Hey thanks!" is not a reaction that implies you read my comment.

4937854 No no I'm totally reading it

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