Susan #057
~Prologue~
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork, and even more paperwork. It was the same routine for a couple of months before settling down here as number fifty-seven. That means fifty-seventh human to walk the land of the Equestrians. I was of chosen because the real number fifty-seven was not here to receive the ticket. I was supposed to be fifty-eight in a later on but hey I’m not complaining. Name: Susan Strife, Occupation: Unemployed, Age: 23, hair: Brown, Height: 5’1, yada, yada, yada. Everything checked out, so I hopped aboard. A ‘magic tunnel’ that leads to another world. A train that goes through and BAM you’re in. That was five months ago.
So what am I doing here in Equestria? Well I didn’t know where to start once I got here. I went to a housing setting for a hand full of humans up in a town called Appaloosa. Dusty town small population was perfect us to settle in. I didn’t want to just sit in one area and live for the rest of my life doing what people want me to do. I want to explore and that’s when my story begins.
~Susan #057 pov~
Jeez took me long enough, I pop my bruised wrist as I see a sign to a new town. Ponyville? I grab my wrist in pain. Those man-dog things really gave me a hard time. I walk down the trail with my cloths all torn. I didn’t think they could put up that much of a fight. I need a place to rest before I could continue any further. I put my bag on the ground and look at the sky. The sun is still rising…maybe I could rest up a bit. I reach into my bag and pulled out an old torn blanket. Man this thing took some punishment but better than nothing. I thought as I place the blanket down. One hour nap then keep going. I slowly fall asleep.
“Excuse me, ma’am.”
“Huh…?”
“Hello, are you ok?”
“Mom…no…no school please.”
“HEY!”
“WHATWHOWHERE?!” I jump in surprise to find a brown stallion with a cowboy hat in front of me. I look at the sky, the sun is lowering. Damn, I didn’t mean to sleep to long. I get up and pat myself off. I look at the Stallion eyeballing me. What’s his deal? “See something you like? I put one hand on my hip. He turned his head confused. Ok then? “Alright what is it?” He stares a couple more seconds before he talks.
“I have never seen a…well one of you before.” He sits down.
“Yeah well I guess ‘one of you’ hasn’t gone very far. I seem to be the first around here.”
“So what your name miss?” He sticks out a hoof. I take and shake. “Susan Strife or Susan #057, you?”
“Caramel…Oh you’re one of the new arrivals from earth that went to appaloosa.” I nod my head. “Well, I heard each town and city was supposed to get sixty. We haven’t just yet.” He sees my wrists. “Whoa, what happened?” I shrug, “Dogs.”
“Dogs?”
“Well they ran underground so seems like.”
“Live underground?”
“Umm yeah.”
“And you got away?”
“Decked them right in the snoz.” I form a first and a little muscle not to brag but I got some ripped from traveling. Literally, I’m a mess; I haven’t even seen my face yet.
“You look horrible, maybe you should to the hospital.” He waves for me to follow him. Well I can’t get go anywhere if I‘m injured or hurt. I followed.
~Ponyville hospital~
“Fractured ribs, sprained wrists, cuts and bruises everywhere, how long where you walking?” Doc asks me looking at my x-rays.
“Two weeks.“ I shrug.
“Sweet Celestia, that’s a long time.” He turns surprised.
“I know it was going smooth until a couple birds, dogs, muggers, and…and...and…what?” He shakes his head.
“Look stay home for a while, two weeks tops.”
“But I-“
“No buts! I’m sorry but-
“Ha you said but”
“I’m glad to see you awake in Ms. Scratch.” A white pony with an aid wrap on her snout and ear. Her hair is crazy blue…is…is that her real hair? So AWESOME!
“I know I’m all ways putting a smile on someone’s face.” She kicks back and relaxes.
“Yes then they put a hoof in yours.” He deadpans. “Now Ms. Strife do you live anywhere near by?”
“Oh yeah just down the road fifty miles from here.” He nods then realizes what he just asked and awkwardly smiles. “Oh yes I forgot, well we should send for pick up.”
“No need Doc I left from there because I don’t want to live there.” He was shocked to hear that.
“Well what should you do?” I shrugged.
“Trave-OUCH!” The doc touches my ribs. “No.”
“Aye gurl (Hey girl), if you need a place I can get you one like that.” The white one says.
“That’s awesome…way too awesome, what’s the catch?”
“No catch just need one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“A place to release my wubs.” Wha?
“Wha?”
“Play my music.” She deadpans.
“Ohhh…ok that seems to be easy.” I smile.
“Ok then now that’s settled I think you should take these pills and get plenty of rest.” He writes down some words on paper and hand them to me
.
“Alright later Doc.” I walk out.
~Hospital lobby!~
“Hey Susan!” Caramel gets up “how’d it go?”
“No more traveling for two weeks.” He shakes his head. “Do you need a place to stay?”
“Nope got that covered but thanks for offering.”
“Oh well good luck.” He waves and leaves.
“So Ms. Scratch-“
“Please sweet heart call me Vinyl.” She adjusts her glasses. “Come on lets hit my place.”
~Vinyl’s pad~
I can’t believe this two weeks of waiting, uggg why me? Stupid trees, stupid birds, stupid dog-man things, and demarcates…yeah…the demarcates. Oh Vinyl is talking.
“So anyway Susan here is going to be with us for a while.” She says talking to a Grey bow tie wearing pony. She seems to be frustrated.
“No Vinyl…”Ohhh that accent is thick. “…both the rooms are taken unless one of us sleeps on the couch." Silence… we stare at her, “I’m not sleeping on the couch Vinyl.”
“Fine I’ll sleep on the couch and she can my room.” Vinyl says grinning.
“Fine but if she dies of the creatures living in your room, I’m not bailing you out.” What?
“Deal!” What creatures?
“Whelp, my good friend go hit the sack, doctors order!” She pushes me along.
“Ok, ok.” I’m at her door that says Dj pon-3 guessing that’s her. I hope its clean. I grab the door knob.
I would recommend adding this to some groups if you haven't already, it helps rake in views like a ho rakes in the dough.
4934505 Done!!!
"I came here to see what I can find, I want to travel different world and see what it hold for me." -> "I came here to see what I could find. I want to travel a different world and see what it might hold for me."
I would suggest adding a bit of that #057 hook to your short description.
This doesn't seem to imply the same level of oppression that being tagged with a number would.
"because I wanted to travel Equestria and have fun."
Separating the phrase "___ and ___ meet" with two long noun phrases makes the whole sentence awkward and confusing to parse. I would also recommend separating this part from the part before, as in making it a new sentence.
I only know what this means via context clues and definitional reasoning, but this isn't the phrase you seem to think it is. This also adds to the confusion of the sentence, because it wraps another phrase around the preceding one. "when you have ___ [then] it gets worse as it goes."
All together, I hesitate to read the actual story from the errors in the "long" and short descriptions, though the idea of human segregation and tagging in Equestria is very intriguing.
4937777 Trust me I did a admin named meester hated it so I had to change it completely or he would delete it and suspend my profile like WTF!?!
4937784
Hated what, the description? Because whatever you've done, it's not enough.
4937793 Thats to much to type but doesn't matter still I had to change it, I forgot to change the random tag too. Anyway thanks for viewing!
Yeah, correcting this chapter would take me over an hour, maybe even over two hours. And that's just 1200 words. In the past, I would have thought it was impossible to make one mistake in every sentence, let alone achieve the sheer density of errors that you have.
This is too error-ridden to even try editing. Try running this through Microsoft Word or OpenOffice first, and then try reading it aloud, or having it read aloud to you, because this story isn't fit for consumption.
4937838 Hey thanks!
4937846
Did you, um, even read what I wrote? Because "Hey thanks!" is not a reaction that implies you read my comment.
4937854 No no I'm totally reading it