The Black Hoof: A Mafia Story

by patridam

Everypony's Somepony's Joke

I tell myself I ought to just ignore you,
'Cause my love for you is something you find funny,
Yet somehow I can't bring myself to end it,
You might love it but it wroughts great pain on me.

For everypony's somepony's joke,
Everypony's been cheated on,
And you can ask any sort of folk,
Yes, everypony's somepony's joke.

I know someday the tables, they'll a-turn,
You love somepony that just won't love you,
Only then you'll know how much you've hurt me,
Their cruel laughs'll mock the hurt you feel.

Yeah, everypony's somepony's joke,
Everypony's somepony's punchline,
So you can ask any sort of folk,
Why, everypony's somepony's joke.

- Criollie Gallops

The bell on the glass doors of the dealership rang when Spike entered around noon, but unlike before no salesponies mobbed him. Diamond Tiara was already pressuring someone into a lease plan and paid him no mind, and Flam scooted away, no doubt having heard something unpleasant about Spike from his brother. He strode straight up to the reception desk and tapped the little cashier bell. Silver Spoon looked up from paperwork she was intently staring at and immediately broke into a smile upon the sight of him.

"Here to speak to Rich, I suppose?" she asked.

"Actually, I was looking to buy something, but I would prefer he sell it to me over those two," said Spike.

"Aw, I'm sorry. He's out at some training program for sales managers," she said, looking between the preoccupied Diamond Tiara and Flam, who was hiding behind a cardboard cutout depicting the Starswirl's new engine. "I guess I could help you, if you don't mind?"

"Not at all, " said Spike.

Silver Spoon hopped off her chair and rounded the reception desk. "Do you know what you're looking for?"

"Uh, something big and fast and comfortable?" said Spike. "Preferably with A/C and an automatic. I haven't really kept up with the models and such."

"Literally every car we have here fits that description, so you're in luck," said Silver Spoon without a hint of sarcasm.

"Well, a four door sedan, then," provided Spike.

"Okay, that rules out the convertible, the Coupe D'etat, and Coupe D'grace. Are you concerned more about price or features?"

"Money is no - well, not no object, but not a very big one," said Spike.

"Well then you'll be most interested in a fully optioned Sedan D'grace," she said, leading him over to a huge white four door sitting in the middle of the showroom.

After mulling over the horrific name, Spike took a walk around the car. It had quad stacked headlights on each side of a horizontally striped chrome grille over a massive bumper. Coves led back from the front wheel wells, trailing into the front doors. The back was dominated by tall yet stubby canted tail fins with three light pods. The delicate greenhouse seemed to float above the heavily sculpted body, with acres of glass and a reverse canted rear window. The whole thing gave an impression of immense mass, only furthered by the diminutive size of the tiny whitewall tires it sat on.

As he was inspecting it, Silver Spoon had pulled out the paperwork and rattled off the features and options: "... air conditioning, record player, dual twelve-way reclining power seats, leather upholstery, wheel covers, trunk carpeting, fender skirts, power antenna, AM/FM/CB radio, white sidewall tires, power windows, roll-down rear window, three speed automatic, gas shocks, four wheel coil springs, gauge package... uh, not sure what the rest of this means... anti-slip differential, triple three-barrel carburetors, 400 stallionpower, and 415 hoof-pounds of ... tour-qway?"

Spike looked up at the mention of the last two. That was certainly a lot more than his old car had had.

"Oh, and Rich left a note saying you'd only have to pay factory invoice," said Silver Spoon.

"Sold," said Spike. "Only there's just one problem."

"What?" said Silver Spoon, worried she'd done something wrong.

"Car like this, it just wouldn't be right without somepony pretty in the passenger seat," said Spike, winking.

"Oh?" said Silver Spoon, confused.

"I don't suppose you'd know anyone that could fit the bill?" asked Spike.

"Oooooohhhhhhh," said Silver Spoon. "I think I can also help you with that."

A few days later Spike got a phone call at his apartment.

"Hello?" he asked.

"Ah, yes, I'm looking for a 'Spike Dragon'?" said a vaguely female voice on the other end of the line.

"This is he," replied Spike, twirling the cable with his claws.

"This is Scootaloo; I believe Rich spoke to me about you? I wanted to see if you were still interested in my 'employment opportunity', because I need all the cars I can get," she said.

"Sure I'm still interested" replied Spike.

"Great. I've got a warehouse at 216 Dignity Way, near the railroad tracks. But, uh, gimme some time; drop by later this week. I gotta get a list together and all," said Scootaloo, the sound of shuffling papers audible in the background.

"I'm fine with that. Hey, sorry about the, uh, damage to the first car you got," said Spike.

"Oh, don't worry, I have a body shop that don't ask questions. But with all the stuff coming in and out - usually about 3 AM - it puts a bit of a kink in the supply schedule, not anything I can't handle of course."

Spike noticed a beep and the 'call waiting' bulb light up on his phone. "Hey, I got another call, I'll be by Friday, okay?"

"Good," said Scootaloo.

He answered the other call. "Hello?"

"Hey, Spike, it's Dash. We need you down here at the casino. It's not an emergency or anything, but try to be snappy."

"So you're saying we need to burn down the old casino you've just bought?" said Spike, trying to make sense of what Twilight had told him. Once again, everyone was at a table in the Horseshoe's restaurant.

"I've determined that the current insurance valuation on Del Huerto Relinchos is more than the casino can bring in as it stands. We want to redevelop the site, and this is easier than paying demolition crews," said Twilight, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose.

"The short answer is yes," said Celestia.

"Won't any of the police suspect insurance fraud? Shining does so much, but he's got no leeway in the Arson squad," said Rarity, concerned.

"It's handled, dear. I made an announ...." Celestia trailed off as Fluttershy approached the table, wearing a huge smile.

She walked up and gave a surprised Celestia a hug. "Oh, I'm not sure what you said, but thank you, thank you! Miss Cadence called me yesterday and said she'd made a huge mistake and wanted me back and recording for her. She's got a whole new album in mind!"

"That's very nice, darling, but don't thank me. Twilight was the one made sure Cadence... saw the error in her ways," said Celestia.

Fluttershy turned and hugged Twilight hard, making her glasses slide right back down her nose. "Thank you, too!"

"It's ... no ... problem," said Twilight, having difficulty breathing.

"Well, I'll leave you all to your business stuff. I'm back onstage in a little while. Bye Rarity, Dash, Spike!" she said as she trotted off.

Celestia coughed and flattened out her suit. "Where was I? Ah, yes, I made a statement in the newspaper yesterday about my plans to restore and modernize Del Huerto Relinchos. As far as the public and police are concerned, this fire will be of great fiscal loss to us," said Celestia. She smiled and broadened her address to Spike and Dash. "If it helps, you're welcome to make it look accidental. I don't want any of you hurt, though - Rarity's just fully recovered now."

"Well, I guess we better go, then," said Dash to no one in particular.

Rarity and Dash appeared a bit taken aback when Spike pulled up in front of the casino in the Starswirl, having retrieved it from the parking lot.

"Spike," asked Rarity, "this is your new car?"

"What gave you the hint? How I drove up in it?" said Spike sarcastically.

"It's just that, well, it's a tad big." said Rarity.

"And kinda ugly," added Dash.

"I assumed after all the incidents where your old car came up short; well I just expected you'd get something smaller and more... nimble, perhaps?" said Rarity.

"Are you getting in or not?" said Spike curtly. Dash climbed into the passenger seat, and Rarity sat down in the back. With a deep rumble, he pulled out into the harried evening traffic.

"So, you given this thing a nickname yet?" asked Dash after a few moments of awkward silence.

"A nickname?" asked Rarity.

"You know, the car. I hear ponies are always giving them names, like they would a dog or something." replied Dash.

"Not yet, but I was thinking about it." said Spike.

"How 'bout... Bertha!" said Dash.

"Why the hell would I name it that?" asked Spike.

"I dunno, I think it suits it. I just sounds like a ... big sorta name. Makes me think of whales." said Dash.

"What about Papa Jack, then?" asked Rarity.

"Who the hell's Papa Jack?" said Dash as Spike stopped the car at a red light.

"You know, Papa Jack? The white whale? As in Captain Seahag, 'Call me Amos', harpoon the whale, all that trollop?" said Rarity, furrowing her brow. After seeing the confusion on both of their faces, she sighed. "Neither of you have read any Hemane Mellveil, I see. Honestly, is nopony in this town properly educated?"

"Hmm..." thought Dash. "That's it! The White Whale! That's what we'll call it!" she exclaimed.

"No-no-no." said Spike. "We are not-"

"Sorry, darling, but the jig is up." interrupted Rarity. "Once Dash gets her hooves on something like that, she won't be letting it go."

Spike let out a defeated sigh as the White Whale pulled into the cracked and weedy parking lot of Del Huerto Relinchos. He made sure to park the car behind the building, in the employee parking lot, rather than the large lot in front of the building.

"Why are we parking here, darling?" asked Rarity, somewhat puzzled.

"Because a shiny new car sitting in front of a building right before it lights on fire is a little suspicious, right?" he replied rhetorically.

The huge wooden door of the hotel let out a pained squeal as Spike pushed it open. Light from the warm fall day streamed into the dusty lobby. The room was modestly sized, with a red tile floor, stucco walls, and rough-hewn rafters crossing the tall ceiling. On the left was a bone dry fountain under a mosaic depicting a desert sunset. On the right was a wood-paneled check-in counter. On the far was an archway led further inside. Spike clawed around for a light switch, but couldn't seem to find one. The huge cast iron chandelier with its light bulbs disguised as candles was hanging high above them, unlit.

"Cripes, this place has gone downhill mighty fast," remarked Dash.

"It's been closed for several months now, and I suspect nopony has visited in that time," said Rarity.

Dash pulled off a white sheet covering a couch, sending dust everywhere and giving herself a sneeze. "Place needs a cleaning, sure, but isn't burning it to the ground a little much?" said Dash.

"Frankly darling, it's worth more as a vacant lot," replied Rarity, trotting across the room. "Even discounting the insurance money, the past owners were suspected of rigging the tables, and that reputation didn't go away when Celestia bought the place."

Dash followed her to the darkened archway. "So, what exactly are we looking for? Celestia said to make it look like an accident. Spike, you're good at this sort of thing, what do you think?" Dash turned around. "Spike?"

"AHA!" exclaimed Spike, who had made his way behind the check-in counter. He flipped a huge switch on the wall. The chandelier lit up, but so did the room beyond the archway. The lights flickered on one by one down the long casino hall, revealing table after table, each covered by white sheets. At the end of the huge room was a raised stage backed by red velvet curtains.

After regaining his composure, Spike joined the mares, who had begun to explore the casino's main room. Rarity asked "Why did you turn on the lights? I mean, the sunlight likely would have been sufficient."
"I've had enough roaming around darkened buildings for one lifetime, thank you very much. I'm not even sure whether insurance fraud is any better than a severed head." said Spike.

Both of the mares turned around to stare at him.

"Uh, to answer your question," said Spike to change the topic, "I can probably figure something out with the wiring. The power's on, so it shouldn't be too hard to start a fire,"

"Well let's see if we can find an electrical box or the like," said Rarity.

Spike took a better look at the large room they were all in. It was down a few steps from the lobby, and the floor was carpeted instead of tiled, but it kept the rustic motif going. Windows overlooking the parking lot lined the left wall, the stage dominated the far wall, and along the right wall sat a long bar, replete with a cornucopia of empty liquor bottles . On either side of the bar were arches leading further in, one towards a restaurant, the other towards the hotel wing.

Dash trotted towards the stage, while Spike went to the near archway. Spike peered through into what appeared to be a small restaurant. Amongst a mural on the wall depicting a rural stucco village, partially lit neon letters spelled La Cantina Duranga. Spike shouted back to the pair, "We can always try something with the kitchen if we can't find anything else."

"Darling, I'd prefer to avoid a gas explosion, if possible," said Rarity, somehow sounding both sincere yet sarcastic. She was rapping her hoof on the walls by the windows to see if there were any false panels hiding electrical access.

"No need." said Dash, sticking her rainbow-maned head out from between the stage curtains. "There's all kinda lighting and sound stuff backstage, should be a synch."

"Spike, you know how I mocked you for parking the car behind the building? I apologize," said Rarity, who was tilting her head as she looked out one of the windows.

That elicited a simultaneous "Huh?" from both Dash and Spike, and they both approached the window Rarity was staring out of. They saw a brown Puddinghead sedan pull into the parking lot. Three mares bedecked in business wear stepped out. What was more, the driver was a griffin in a pinstripe suit.

"Holy shit, I know her!" said Dash. Rarity quickly shushed her. "She's Gilda, she was in the same neighborhood as me growing up. She's one of Luna's heavy hitters," Dash whispered.

Gilda got out and popped the trunk. She reached in and then appeared to give some things to the mares crowded around her.

"What are they doing here?" asked Spike.

"I have a very sinking suspicion," said Rarity, squinting to see what it was the griffin had gotten from the trunk.

The four walked closer to the building, prompting Rarity to shove Dash's head down below the windowsill. When they got close, one of the mares levitated out a lighter from her pocket. Only then did Spike see what they were carrying.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," said Spike, having dealt with these before.

"RUN!" shouted Rarity. Spike was hot on her tail and Dash, after a moment of confusion, followed. No less than a second later, bottles set ablaze smashed through the windows of the grand room. One Yak Cocktail landed and lit a roulette table on fire. Another made it all the way to the bar across the room. One hit the stage and the curtains immediately became a wall of fire.

Unfortunately, one of them landed near the archway into the lobby, cutting off their escape. The room began to fill with choking black smoke as Rarity did a 360 and ran towards the restaurant.

"What a wonderful welcome back to the job." said Rarity, coughing as she led them through the equally smoky dining room.

"I think we can get out through the kitchen. There was a fire exit near where we parked." provided Spike, who, as a young dragon, was highly tolerant of the smoke.

"Good - *cough* - idea." said Dash.

Spike led them through the small kitchen and to a laundry room. He pushed through a door, and the heat rushed past him to the outside. Then, and only then, did the fire alarm go off, ringing ineffectually without any sprinklers to abate the blaze.

The two mares followed him out into the back parking lot, breathing heavily but recovering quickly.

"We should probably go," said Spike, running towards the White Whale nearby.

"Agreed; lest they find us," said Rarity.

They piled in and Spike exited the back lot, driving over a grass strip onto a side street rather than drive right past the arsonist mares. Spike looked back briefly in the rearview mirror, seeing the roof of the casino begin to buckle as flames licked out of the windows. They'd even lit up the roadside windmill that served as a sign. The sign collapsed, falling back onto the roof of the lobby. On the brief drive back to the Horseshoe, the White Whale was passed by the very same brown sedan, which thankfully paid them no mind.

"So what you're saying is that they beat you to it?" asked Twilight, trying to make sense of the predicament. They were all sitting at a table back in the Horseshoe's Undersea Bistro.

"Exactly. We were about to start an electrical fire, but before we could they through some Cookie Cocktails through the windows. I don't think they even knew we were there," replied Spike.

Meanwhile, Celestia was having difficulty stopping her continued laughter.

"Honestly, is it really that funny?" said Rarity. "I mean, we very well could have died in there!"

"Aw, lighten up Rarity, that weren't gonna happen," said Dash.

Celestia managed to stop laughing, and after wiping a tear from her eye, she began "I apologize, but it's really too precious. I announce my big plans for that place, and Luna decides to ruin them by burning the place down! Little did she know that was exactly what I was planning to do myself! Oh, the irony, it's too much!"

"It's technically not irony, ma'am, just coincidence," said Twilight.

Spike glanced at his watch. "I'm sorry, but, uh, can I go? I've got a date I need to get ready for."

"Who's the unlucky mare?" poked Dash. "Or, uh, dragoness... or, you know, whatever," she said, mentally stumbling and getting quickly flustered.

"It's a mare, Silver Spoon," replied Spike. He turned to Celestia, and asked politely, "May I leave?"

"Oh, oh, you really needn't ask," said Celestia, still holding back snorts of laughter. "Go ahead."

... with ninety-nine-point-nine percent reporting from yesterday's election, it's official: Senator Fancy Pants has won the presidency by a small margin, and will be succeeding President Easyglider next year. He has yet to make an acceptance speech, but Jet Set had some remarks about his loss, including "No matter the pain from my unfortunate loss, I take solace in the great taste of Canterlot Chew." This is DJ Vinyl Scratch for PEPP Los Relinchos, and I am pleased as punch this voting season. There's something less pleasing on the local news scene, however: the historic Del Huerto Relinchos casino burned to the ground this morning. Preliminary police investigations point to arson as the likely culprit. Local businessmare, Astralia Celestia, who recently took ownership of the property, had this to say:

"While it is very unfortunate that such a thing happened to such an integral part of the culture and economy of our desert paradise, risen from the ashes of this incident I intend to make an investment that will be a boon to all of Los Relinchos: a new casino, hotel, and resort, that will shine like a beacon in the memory of the resort that started it all. The Phoenix Casino will be something all citizens of this fair city can be proud of."

Comments

[Sir spikelicious]

Spike let out a defeated sigh as the white whale pulled into the cracked and weedy parking lot of Del Huerto Relinchos. The White Whale would be capitalized.
"... with ninety-nine-point-nine percent reporting from yesterday's election, it's official: Senator Fancy...".You forgot quotation marks at the beginning of the sentence.
"No matter the pain from my unfortunate loss, I take solace in the great taste of Canterlot Chew." When some is quoting someone in dialogue use ' instead of ".
It was a pretty great chapter even through it was short but spike felt a little out of character maybe it's just me or it could've been I haven't read this in a while. Anyway great story and good to see you back.

[patridam]

5841229 You're definitely right with the capitalization there, my fault. It's tough to review ones own writing. As for the quotes, I haven't really been treating the radio messages at the end as dialogue.

As for the difference of character, it is perhaps an unfortunate side effect of long gaps between writing chapters. Anyway thanks for the comment and support.

[11111111]

This is wonderful story.
It needs more recognition.

[Hard-Pressed Scribe]

You submitted your story to A For Effort. I'm here to inform you that the group has been unfortunately abandoned and I'm one of the scarce few people willing to continue reviewing added stories. I read the first few bits of your story and can safely inform you that your story is actually quite good and shows a level of quality. I was here awhile ago, if you can recall. You asked where to find editors. I personally think it's best to anoint one of the readers as one.

[HapHazred]

I've reviewed the first few chapters of this for the Goodfic Bin. Unfortunately, there are several gripes that lead me to reject this story from submissions.

Details are here.

[BatwingCandlewaxxe]

Thanks for submitting your story to Story Standards. Unfortunately, it has been rejected for inclusion in the group.

You can find the entire review here: https://www.fimfiction.net/group/204912/story-standards/thread/321449/rejected-the-black-hoof-a-mafia-story-by-patridam

[SpikedPunch66]

Hey man, i know you probably wont see this but i just wanted to say this is my favourite story on this site. Hope you carry on with it at some point.