The Black Hoof: A Mafia Story

by patridam

Sink the Vulture

For ten long days and hopeless nights they couldn't find her trail.
The unicorns, they went ahead and put every ship a-sail,
For somewhere on this ocean she's just a-had-to be.
They vowed to sink the Vulture to the bottom of the sea.

We'll find that Griffin battleship that's makin' such a fuss.
We gotta find the Vulture 'cause the war depends on us.
Hit the decks a-trottin' mares and turn those guns around,
When we see the Vulture, we're gonna bring her down.

The fog was gone the 'leventh day, from a heap of pegasi.
Return to Griffany the Vulture did a-try,
The admiral of the Unicorns said "fire at her prow",
We found that Griffin battleship and we're gonna sink her now.
The Unicorns took aim and the shells; they fired fast,
The first shot hit the Vulture, she simply couldn't last.
That giant Griffin battleship is but a memory,
"Sink the Vulture" was a-shouted loud across both land and sea.

- Johnny Horseton

The machine clicked as Spike deposited a half-bit into it's slot, the door in front unlocking. He pulled it open and took out the most recent copy of The Los Relinchos Recorder. The front page had an article about something Yakyakistan had launched into space, looking like a basketball with some twigs sticking out. He skipped that and the whole of the 'A' section and went right to the 'B' section for local news. He'd checked every day since he'd run over that zebra, looking under the 'crimes' section, which took up the better part of twelve pages. Still, there was nothing mentioning a hit and run. Even the obituaries remained empty. His guilt had long ago been assuaged, but it was the not knowing that really got to him.

After browsing through the comics section he threw the paper into a trashcan and continued his walk from the parking lot to the Horseshoe Hotel & Casino's main entrance. He pushed the plate glass door open and strode up to the pink and purple mare at the front desk nestled at the foot of the lobby's grand staircase. "Good afternoon. Where would I find Miss Celestia, please?" asked Spike, trying to put on a show of importance. Rich had told him after returning several more repossessed cars that Celestia was interested in someone who could hotwire - and Spike was the go-to despite having only recent experience

"Is she expecting you?" asked the mare. The name tag pinned to her scarf read 'Suri'.

"Yes," replied Spike.

"Well, she's in the hotel restaurant having lunch, sir. It's just through those doors on the right. She's the alicorn in the white suit, mmkay?" said Suri.

"Much obliged."

Spike continued from the lobby into a large antechamber. Six elevators were on the near wall, while large archways into the main casino floor were on the far one. The casino itself was lit low and had no windows, the walls all a dark shade of red, but the raised stage towards the back was lit brightly. It was bright enough for him to tell the yellow and pink mare singing on it was rather uncomfortable with all the attention, at least. The walls were lined with slot machines, and various card tables were positioned around the room. Back in the antechamber, there were closed doors on the left that led to the 'V.I.P.' area and the hotel's dance club. To the right were open doors that read 'Bistro' above them, and Spike headed through them.

Every surface in the restaurant was done up in teal, and fish tanks lined the far wall. It really did give one the impression that you were under the ocean, or at least what Applewood would have you think being under the ocean was like. He spied Celestia's table from a mile away; not only was it directly in the center of the rectangular room, the alicorn towered over even the biggest earth pony stallions. As he drew close, he saw she wore the satin vest from a three piece suit and a very expensive looking gold watch. A bespectacled lavender unicorn with a pink-streaked mane sat to Celestia's left; Rarity to her right. Dash was to the left of the unnamed unicorn, leaving a chair between herself and Rarity at the round table. Everypony at the table was impeccably dressed, even Dash wearing a sport coat over her normal floral print shirt. Suddenly Spike felt very underdressed.

Spike nervously took his place at the table. Celestia reached over her salmon lunch and extended him a hoof. "I'm pleased to meet you, Spike. Rainbow Dash and Rarity have told me quite a bit about you; and I'm sure they've told you about me. Am I what you expected?" she asked, seeming genuine.

"I didn't know what to expect, ma'am," said Spike.

"Please, there's no need for such formality. Call me Celestia."

"Uh, well, Celestia, it's nice to meet you. I... heard you needed someone to hot wire a car."

"Down to business, I see. Not a car, three to be exact. Like Mr. Rich, I provide 'financing' to individuals in need. No problems arise when such individuals provide... punctual payment, but in one such case the recipient of the loan has not done so. Normally, I would have Dash here... convince them to rethink their payment schedule, but this situation is somewhat more delicate. That's where you come in."

"Delicate?" asked Spike.

"I have reason to believe this pony... what was his name, Twilight?"

The purple unicorn looked up from the notebooks she had before her. "Flim. I believe he is the brother to one of the employees at Rich's dealership, which is why we agreed to the loan in the first place."

"Yes, well; Flim has chosen to neglect our lending program and has instead taken up business with my .... rival, Miss Luna. I do not believe we can influence this fellow, so we will simply have to take our payment. You see, we gave Flim the funds to help start a business importing automobiles and parts thereof from overseas. You, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash will be taking ownership of the three automobiles he currently has in stock, and perhaps... inform him of his lapse in judgment," said Celestia. "Twilight?"

"The three automobiles are one yellow Pansy 380, one red Griffenworken Breezy, and one Victory Serafine. Mr. Rich has informed me that he can sell these vehicles and easily obtain the funds we are owned" said Twilight matter-of-factly. She slid a piece of paper to Dash, "Here's the address."

Celestia continued, "You will, of course, be compensated. Should you prove successful in this... endeavor, and should Rarity and Dash continue to say such good things, Spike, I would be more than happy to offer you more work. Do you have any questions?"

"No ma'am.... I mean no, Celestia," said Spike.

"The best of luck, then."

Spike offered to drive everypony to the dealership. Dash was overjoyed at the concept and hopped in the front seat, though Rarity was somewhat disappointed.

"I just bought a new car, and I hardly get to use it," she complained.

"Relax Rarity, remember we got to pick up three cars. Spike's biting a bullet and leaving his car there to pick up later. You wouldn't want leave your shiny new Chancellor alone on the east side, would you?" said Dash.

"I suppose you're right," conceded Rarity.

"Wait, where was this place again?" said Spike.

"Just over the railroad tracks on the east side. 400 Diligence Street," replied Dash.

"Funny place for a car dealership," said Spike, the possibility of the Platinum being stolen suddenly becoming apparent.

Dash coughed, and noting that Rarity was staring the window leaned in and whispered to Spike "Kid, uh, you think these cars are hard to drive? I've... never done it before... driven. I didn't want to say so in front of Celestia."

Spike tried to contain his surprise. "What?"

"Well, you know, I fly real fast so it was never really necessary. I mean, I like to ride in cars and all; 'cause I don't get tired, but I never really bothered to learn."

"Well, uh, they're probably manual, so that makes it complicated. They're real slow though. One of them's made by pegasi, so that might help."

"Good, I guess. Listen: not a word of this to Rarity or anybody else, you hear?" said Dash, getting even quieter.

Spike made a zipping motion over his lips, only to be interrupted by the car rumbling over the train tracks. Spike slowed down to observe the sight before them. In front of them, the road ended in a T-junction with Diligence street, their target standing across from them. It appeared to be a gas station converted into a small dealership. A wooden sign saying "Flim's Import Emporium" was erected above the building. The building was dark inside and the dirt lot to the right contained only three cars. Nearest the building sat an insectoid looking red two door sedan. That was the Griffinworken Breezy that Twilight had mentioned. Next to it on the left was a yellow two door with a black cloth sunroof, presumably the Pansy 380. As small as the Breezy was, it dwarved the Pansy. That left the larger but rather ugly brown four door sedan on the end as the Victory Serafine from Unicornia.

"I can see why he's not able to pay back his loan," said Rarity.

"No customers, by the looks of this place," said Spike, noting the neighborhood was deserted pony pedestrians. The only other car around was an old rusty Everfree roadster parked along the sidewalk to the right.

"Those cars are simply hideous, darling. Can't you tell?" said Rarity.

Spike and Dash exchanged glances. "I guess?" said Spike. "Uh, listen; this car's a bit obvious around here. Maybe we should park it in an alley or something and walk?"

"Fine by me," said Dash.

Spike turned right and rumbled past the building. The interior of the dealership was dark and most likely empty, which relieved him. Having met Flam, he'd doubt Flim would willingly give up any of his stock, and he did not want a repeat of the incident with the zebra. Spike drove two blocks and parked in a back alley behind a dumpster. They all exited, and after Spike locked the doors, set off, Dash flying ahead. She was waiting for Spike and Rarity when they got there, eyeing the Pansy with a somewhat nervous look.

"Spike, please try to be quick. I don't want to spend any longer in this dirt than I have to," said Rarity.

He nodded and climbed into the unlocked Victory sedan, since Rarity would be the best to drive it. It was possible, but very awkward, to drive a Unicorn-made car without telekinesis. He opened up the panel beneath the steering wheel, and saw a bundle of wires just like any Equestrian car. But when he crossed the red and yellow wires, nothing happened.

"Shit," whispered Spike to himself.

"How's it going, kid?" asked Dash.

"Fine, fine. Give me a moment."

Spike stripped the brown wire and crossed it with the red. Nothing. He tried it with the yellow. Nothing. He stripped the green wire and crossed it with the red, and the headlights turned on. He was about to give up, but he figured he'd try a last ditch effort. He jammed his screwdriver into the ignition, and turned it. The four cylinder sputtered and coughed to life. He stuffed all the loose wires back in, closed the panel, and held the door open for Rarity.

"Why thank you, Spike," she said, dusting off the seat before she sat. "I'll wait for you two, I suppose it's best we deliver them together."

Spike got into the Pansy; evidently none of the cars were locked. Rather than mess with the wiring, he tried the screwdriver again. The two cylinder in the rear started up and chattered happily.

"Could've stretched it out a little bit, kid" mused Dash. She climbed in, looking utterly confused by the controls surrounding her.

Spike had left the Breezy for last. He got in and tried the screwdriver. No dice, it was made better than the ones in the other cars. He stripped the wires and tried various combinations. Nothing worked. He got out and opened the engine lid in the back. He recognized the starter, and if he could wire it right to the battery he could get the car started, but first he needed a wire.

"Hold on gals, I need to get something from inside," said Spike.

Rarity and Dash nodded. Dash was fiddling with the Pansy's gearshift and Rarity was knocking the dust out of her shoes.

Spike pushed open the side door into the gray concrete building and flipped up the light switch. Much of the room was taken up by three rows of shelves full of car parts. He walked down one of the aisles made by the shelves. He headed for a coat closet on the far wall, taking a wire hanger from it. This would do nicely.

Then he looked to his left.

A cream colored unicorn.... Flim, obviously, was staring right at him, not ten inches away. They locked eyes. Flim pushed pasted the momentarily stunned Spike and ran to the door. Spike followed, but Flim knocked over a shelf onto him, pouring boxes of fuel pumps and starter motors onto Spike's head. He crawled out from under the pile and made it out the door to see the red Breezy pull away from the lot. Rarity had presumably realized what was happening and started to follow in the Serafine. Celestia would not be pleased if Flim got away with the Breezy. Dash evidently tried to follow, the car lurching forward and the sound of gears grinding. She eventually got moving, though slowly.

Spike thought quickly. His car was too far away. The only car nearby was the old Everfree. Spike ran up and tried to break the driver's window. There was no window to break; the door didn't even have a lock. He climbed up into it, and turned his screwdriver in the ignition. It didn't work. The wires beneath the dash were already exposed from years of age, so Spike just crossed the red and yellow and thankfully the car's ancient six groaned to life. The AM radio turned on with it and started playing a garbled and tinny version of the popular Johhny Horseton country song, "Sink the Vulture." He put it in gear and stomped the gas, letting out a gigantic cloud of black smoke behind him. There wasn't a concern in his mind as to stealing a car; desperate times called for desperate measures. As he turned the corner, he saw the mass of imports just two blocks away. The thirty year old Equestrian car huffed its antediluvian engine and flubbed on its under-inflated tires, quickly gaining on everypony. As he drew near, he saw Flim in the Breezy maintained a slight lead over Rarity, with Dash quickly losing ground. Spike made an apologetic motion as he passed Dash. She looked pissed.

In her frustration, she threw open the sunroof and flew out of the car. She could fly much faster than she could drive, keeping pace with Spike. In his rearview mirror he saw the Pansy collide with some trashcans. Catching Flim was more a matter of pride than money now. Ahead of them Flim made a sharp left onto the entrance ramp to Intrequestria 12, the six lane freeway that split Los Relinchos down the middle. Spike took the turn wide and mowed down a street lamp.

All four of them; Flim in the lead, then Rarity, then Spike, with Dash looking down from above; joined onto the highway traffic. Spike was gaining on Rarity, who was losing ground to the Breezy. Meanwhile, they all held up traffic. Taxicabs, station wagons, tractor-trailors, and even a police car whizzed past them in the passing lane. Flim appeared to be going at full speed and was still going a good bit slower than the highway traffic; so nopony even realized that there was a chase going on.

Rarity had already pulled out a pistol and was ready to start shooting at Flim to get him to stop (or die), but she put it back in her pocket as Spike passed by. She gave him a quizzical look and he just shrugged his shoulders. He approached in on the Breezy's rear bumper. He gave a gentle nudge to the back of Flim's car, then squeezed the Everfree's bicycle-style horn as a warning for him to stop. Flim continued on, the clattering of his car's engine growing strained. Spike pulled up beside him on the left, made a wide swing with the Everfree's wooden steering wheel, and slammed Flim's rear wheel arch. The Breezy spun around and slid into the gravel embankment beside the freeway. Flim struggled out of the car, raising his hooves. Rarity and Spike both brought their cars to a stop, but Dash had already grabbed ahold of him and had slammed his head onto the Breezy's hood.

"Ain't nobody runs from Dash and lives to tell about, you hear!" she shouted at him.

"Please, please! I'll do anything, I'm sorry!" cried Flim.

"Dash! Calm down, the last thing we need is another dead body to deal with," said Rarity. She then addressed the injured unicorn under Dash's hooves, her appealing tone changing to a condescending one. "Why'd you stop payment, Flim?"

"What? I... wasn't selling anything. I couldn't afford it anymore! I'm sorry!"

"Miss Celestia's not stupid, Flim. You received an offer from Luna's goons, didn't you?"

"I...I...don't know what you're talking about!"

Rarity gave a slight nod to Dash. Dash slammed Flim's already bleeding face against the hood hard enough to dent it. Spike stood on. He wanted to be ashamed or aghast... but he simply couldn't bring himself to feel sorry for the fellow. His head still hurt from the box of car parts that had slammed down upon on it.

Rarity continued, "What did Trixie tell you? You switch to their protection and they'll keep us from collecting? How well did that work out for you?"

"No, no, it wasn't like that! They offered me some money is all; all they asked was to get some time with the cars after they came in off the boat, and the info for my contacts overseas. Business wasn't too good, and I had to pay off you guys, it didn't seem like so bad of a deal. I got greedy.... I kept the money," said Flim.

Rarity appeared to work something out in her head, then raised her hoof to her mouth through some realization. "You're telling me, they had access to your imports from Unicornia, Pegasopolis, and Griffany? On both ends?"

"They changed the tires when the got here, I swear I didn't know what was in them, honest. I cancelled the deal when I so one of them snorting the stuff. I'm just a used car salesman, I don't want nothing to do with drugs! I thought you guys was with them. Just... just take the cars, I don't want anything to do with this any more," sniffled Flim.

Rarity nodded and Dash let go of Flim. Dash made a shooing motion and he started trotting down the side of the road.

Rarity looked between Spike and Dash. "You two, can you clean this up and get the other car? Celestia needs to hear this as soon as possible." Spike nodded, even though he wasn't sure what her realization was. She hopped in the Victory, driving off towards the highway's boulevard exit.

Spike looked to the Breezy. It was damaged slightly but appeared to still be drivable. Then he looked to Dash.

"Maybe I should drive."

...eyewitnesses reported something of a confrontation after the accident, but by the time police arrived only an unattended car remained. Police have currently impounded the Everfree Deluxe Six Roadster, but considering the vehicle's inspection is long-expired and the impound fees are greater than the car's appraised value, they do not have high hopes of resolving the matter anytime soon. In national news, President Easyglider made a televised statement regarding the 'Penchenya' artificial satellite launched by Yakyakistan yesterday, claiming that the launch did not come as a surprise, and that Equestrian developments in space travel are already working on reaching and surpassing the standards set by this yak achievement. This is DJ Vinyl Scratch for PEPP. Don't touch that dial!

Comments

[patridam]

5157957 I've removed the annotations because they seemed to cause more confusion than they assuage.

[patridam]

5386526 Thank you. I try to review each chapter for grammatical errors myself, but there's only so much you can do. If you know how one goes about finding advisers or proof-readers, I would appreciate it. I'd recruit from the commenters/readers, but they... aren't exactly numerous.

[Starlight Nova]

So I take it that Rainbow Dash will be beating people up in this story? Will she be reaching Unstoppable Rage levels of anger? Will she be giving any No Holds Barred Beatdowns?

[patridam]

5406372 Well Dash is partly based off of Joe Pesci's character in Goodfellas, though with a somewhat less hair-trigger temper. Still, she does favor simple / violent solutions and may possibly have moments where her anger makes her go off the deep end & compromise the family.