Applebloom is very depressed, since she can't find a way to get a Cutie Mark. She dosen't speak to anyone about it, not even to her sister Applejack. Feeling worried about her sister, AJ asked Twilight Sparkle to help the little filly.
This is another story, that is based on an RP i did. I want to thank my partner Kebert, who dosen't have a Fimfic account, sadly.
Before anyone asks, yes, this story has hypnosis in it. You can all sit down now.
Comments and criticisms are always very welcome
Chapters (1)
Not to be mean, but this story is riddled with so many grammar problems and poorly-chosen words/phrases that it would take an age to go through them one-by-one. You really need to invest in a pre-reader before you post.
poor applebloom
6/10
4885805 Eeeyup and it's not apealing to the audience enough it needs more reason to be a story
4886147
That, too. I didn't really want to comment on the story too much because it isn't my "thing" and I don't want to seem biased, so I stuck with the "technical" flaws.
4886153
I think since it was an RP it was intentionally posted in it's raw form to preserve the back and forth nature between the two RP'ers. And thus with the back and forth nature some errors remained.
4887900
I'd say that there were a lot more than a few errors. Counting both grammar mistakes and poor choice of wording/phrasing I saw 8 in the first paragraph alone. I imagine that in an RP, being able to enjoy the story despite poor grammar would be a good thing since it would allow you to interact with more people and have more options, but, for someone looking for a story rather than an experience, it is incredibly distracting, and as such probably shouldn't be posted in its raw form if it is this bad.