what started as a minor disease that spread quickly turned into a severe problem. Now the dead and even the living have become aggressive cannibalistic nightmares. It's only natural that one would loose hope.
Chapters (16)
- Member Since 22nd Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Feb 13th, 2015
Gearaxis
I like mlp (obviously), video games, eating, sleeping, and war history
Gearaxis
Joined 22nd Jul, 2014 ·
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This seems like it's interesting(impending doom- bum bum BUUUUUUUUUM), and I'd like to read more, but I think you should get an editor.
For example, here's your paragraph before I changed it(and I am by no means whatsoever a professional editor)
Now, in italics, here's the paragraph after I played with it.
Gear sat at the table with a cup of coffee and the day’s newspaper. It was going to be a sunny day today with no clouds in the sky, perfect for going for a walk in the park or something along those lines. That morning had been like every other morning, wake up, get dressed, drink coffee, eat toast, and read the news before opening up shop. Gear was an inventor and mechanic; if you could break it, he could fix it. If you could think of it, he could invent it. He was currently living in Ponyville in his wagon and workshop. The town and most of its citizens were nice, though he found two or three of them to be downright unpleasant. Not many ponies bought his wares, but every now and then somepony would come in to browse or get something repaired. It was a simple, quiet life, and Gear enjoyed it.
Some things I changed just because I'm me, but the other were simply errors or repetitive.
So, in conclusion: get an editor so nopony rips their hair out in frustration from reading your otherwise interesting story.
Oops.
Try again.
4800177 thank you for the advice. I'll try to keep that in mind.
I enjoy the idea for this story. Though a little bit of polish is needed, I think you have a great start.
Oh Celestia. Please continue!
So, here are my thoughts on this:
1) I'm a fan of the apocalyptic style scenario that you're going for. In fact, I have something of a similar scope set in production as we speak.
2) These paragraphs are way too long.
3) Somehow, the writing feels somewhat redundant.
4) The particular apocalypse you're going for may be a little more done than others.
5) Gears is an interesting character, but I don't feel as though he's gripping enough.
5) Grammar mistakes.
PS- Excuse any mistakes in this comment, it was done on an iPad.
5176931 I'm not a good writer...
Ouch, killing Rarity without Gears even recognising her and RD and Pinkie soon after.
If these were analagous to WWII Battleships they would have had to pound each other a lot longer to do that kind of damage. The Bridge armor alone is 17" inches thick and is designed to take a full hit from a ships own guns. The hatches alone once sealed would also keep infected from freely roaming a ship, there mazes below decks and are heavy to move even when well oiled. I helped make the New Jersey into a museum back in the day so trust me I know.
5177349
Bah, don't think like that. Keep practicing, you'll improve rather quickly. Also, acquire an editor, he'll help fix up your stories and even help you improve your writing.
I have no doubt that you'll be an EXCELLENT writer some day!
5178996 thank you for the info, however, we are assuming the ships are LIKE real ships, if I want them to be blown to pieces in five shots I'll have them blown to pieces in five shots! Also, the infected aren't roaming the ship, there's just so many of them everywhere that it's hard to get around. I thought I made that clear...
He is a pretty good writer right now. I just powered through all the chapters he put up in the last few hours and enjoyed every moment of it. Only real issue I had is the early death of some characters and the lack of remorse from the others after the fact. They barely mourned RD and Pinkie and Raritys death hardly got a mention. Sure there in shock, but the urge to check on family and friends should be more prevelant. Really enjoying the story, keep up the good work.
Well they might be able to pick up and transport refugee's but thats about it. Ship is essentially a barge now. Best hope is to find some tugs or something to tow the battleship.
To bad, so sad. What kind of editing are you up to?
I'm guessing this is dead now after so long.