No more anything
Lula slowly woke up. Her belly was hurting and so was her lower jaw. Still, the surprise of still being alive raised at the same time the memories of the last events were coming back to her.
She looked around and noticed she was laying on the ground, into some grass. There was the cottage so very close from her, and just behind her the silhouette of a mare, a Pegasus with a yellow fur and a pink mane.
At first, Lula thought of taking the opportunity to run away, leaving all the craziness behind, but another feeling took over her. It wasn’t curiosity for the fact Fluttershy was just standing there without paying any more attention to her. It wasn’t the pity she was feeling for the Pegasus, even if she had no idea what she was pitying.
It was the feeling of peace, the soft warmth of the sun and the faint whisper of the wind.
Lula stood up, but Fluttershy didn’t even react. Hating that decision as soon as she took it, Lula came near her former friend and tried to find out what was going on, and then saw the stone.
“Here lies Fluttershy”
Lula felt the whole world crumbling around her, shook her head, and everything went back to normal. But the stone, with its inscription, was still there.
And so was Fluttershy.
“Is it…?” began to ask Lula.
She didn’t know how to phrase that. She wasn’t sure there was a way to phrase such a thing to begin with.
“Yes.” Replied Fluttershy nonetheless with a tear. “It’s mine. I remember it now. I made it myself.”
“How are you feeling?” asked Lula almost mechanically, incapable of thinking of anything better to say.
“It hurt.”
“I understand.” Lied Lula.
“No.” explained Fluttershy. “I mean I remember the pain of the plague, the agony. It hurt a lot. But even more, I remember what happened before that. I lost them all to the sickness.”
The Pegasus stopped because of a deep violent knot in her stomach, and Lula thought she would pass out right there, but she suddenly kept on talking, even faster, with even more sadness in her voice:
“At first, I didn’t understand why some of my animals weren’t feeling well. And then, the news came from everywhere that ponies were getting sick. It was the plague. I tried my best, but so many were dying each day, I just couldn’t take it anymore and I shut myself in my home. And then Rainbow Dash came. She was sick too. She implored me to help her and I tried. I swear I tried!”
She stopped there. The rest of the story was obvious anyway.
“She infected me too and I couldn’t care for the animals anymore. They tried to heal me the best they could, but there was nothing to be done, so I told them to leave me.”
But then, Fluttershy’s tone changed.
“I died, I remember that very clearly, because the pain ceased. But I was still there. And so was my corpse. So I decided to bury myself, and then to bury Rainbow Dash. But when I came back for her, I guess I just couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t accept I was still there and she wasn’t.”
Lula looked down. She had some difficulties to imagine what the Pegasus could have felt at that moment.
“I’m sorry.” Fluttershy said. “I treated you so badly. I guess I’m a very mean and bad pony too, just like the others.”
It was true. And at the same time, it sounded off somehow.
“You know…” began Lula, not sure what she was about to say. “I can’t blame you more than I could blame them. Ponies do stupid things when they are frightened. And even more, there is one thing that makes you very different from them in my eyes.”
“What is it?” asked Fluttershy with a bit of surprise, trying to dry her tears with her hoof.
“I don’t hate you.” Replied Lula with a little smile.
Both mares looked at each other for a few seconds, then away from each other for a good minute.
“What are you going to do?” asked Lula.
“I don’t know." Fluttershy replied. Then she hesitated, looked down, sighed and suddenly looked back up with a new energy: "I should probably go bury Rainbow Dash. She deserves it."
A little silence ensued, then Fluttershy continued:
"It's a pity you two couldn't meet, she was such an awesome pony. I'm sure you would have been great friends. But it's time for her to rest."
Lula nodded silently. Still, something felt off in Fluttershy's tone.
"I wish she would get better. I miss her you know..." the pegasus added. "I should go see how she is doing. She is very sick: she needs me by her side. And my little friends too. I should go back see how they are doing, some have been feeling kind of ill lately and it worries me."
Those words scared Lula, but she slowly understood what was happening in the poor pegasus's mind. She had made her choice, Lula would have probably made the exact same.
“Yes, you should probably do that.” She just said.
“What are you going to do yourself?” asked Fluttershy with her kind and gentle voice.
“I’ll keep on living. Apple Loosa is still pretty far away, but that’s my best bet. Who knows, I might come back to visit you in a few years when there will be no plague anymore.”
“That would be great!” rejoiced herself Fluttershy. “I’m so glad I met you.”
“I’m glad I met you too. You’re a bit weird, but you saved my life. I’ll never forget that.”
They said goodbye to each other and were about to go their separate ways, when Lula suddenly turned back and added:
“Also, if somepony else were to come by…” she began.
“Don’t worry.” Fluttershy replied instantly. “I won’t forget what you told me. Never jump to conclusion, never let fear take over, never judge without proofs. I’ll keep your wisdom with me.”
Having said that, Fluttershy disappeared inside her cottage, and Lula only heard some last remnant of her voice saying hello to all her critters.
The unicorn sighed.
"What I told you... of course." she whispered.
She then smiled and, her strength renewed and with the warmth of having met a new friend, no matter how weird, in her heart, she resumed her journey to a better future that certainly lay ahead of her.
THE END
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I don't understand the ending. It's like Fluttershy remembers what happened, then she forgets what happened immediately after she tells Lula. Is that caused by the plague? (I'm trying not to give away the mystery for people who read the comments first.)
4795892
Oh...well, Fluttershy only has two choices at that point. She can either accept her new condition, a world where everyone is dead and she failed terribly in the upmost powerlessness and where she has no idea what to do, or she can deny reality like she did before and go back to pretending in her mind that everyone is basically still alive even if it's just an illusion.
She chose the second option, but twisted her memories enough to remember her new friend and the lesson that came with the meeting.
The "plague" you're referencing is a mere pretext in the whole story symbolizing the natural harshness of life.
Actually, what happened at that point in the story was that I had written "What are you going to do?" and then really began to wonder what she was going to do. In the original play, Fluttershy would question why she was still "alive" and Lula would just tell she was glad she was, for the fact it had saved her own life.
But then, rejecting reality came very naturally. It was a very logical decision for that pony to just go back to what she knew the best, even if it didn't make any "rational" sense. It pleased me, so I went with it.
Looking back, I could have used the idea of first burying Rainbow Dash as a transition at that particular moment. Yeah, I'm going to modify that, it seems like a good idea. Won't make it clearer, but it will be better "written". Thanks for the idea ^^.
Year old story with over 200 views, but no up or down votes. I think it's because there was potential here, with the Twilight Zone style premise, but the delivery was kind of bad.
6271752
A year already... it feels like it was yesterday I'd written it.
Actually, there are up and down votes, but the new system doesn't show them because there is less of 15 of both.
6271752
Do you mean because of the writing style, or becuase of the "answer" I give? I mean, I would understand both. It would just be a tiny bit of help to know on which one to focus first.
I wonder what else I could have used to end the story... The huge explosion? Putting the cottage on fire? Actually, putting the cottage on fire, having both of them fighting through the flames and having the main character trap the other inside and then flee could have been a bit more "epic". Very classic, but the whole story already is...
I don't know. I've convinced myself that, if I were to try long enough, I would find out how to write "good things". At least things that wouldn't seem good only to me...
I kind of want to read some of your other stories before I comment. It's been a year. You've probably improved since you wrote this.
But, it's a couple things.
1) Basic grammar and word choice issues.
The story needs a proofread. I'm left suspecting that English might not be your first language. A few examples from chapter 1:
She was lost into the land? "Into?" What do you mean by that?
"Huge amount of raining?"
Rain is a noun. Raining is an adjective. What is that stuff falling from the sky? That's rain. What's the weather like? It is raining. Those two words aren't interchangeable. You can't have have a "huge amount of raining" any more than a cake can have a huge amount of delicious.
She fixed the light? Was it broken? I think you mean that she "fixed her gaze on" the light?
1) "Strength" should be singular.
2) She "failed a first time?" What does that even mean?
3) "First time" implies that there was more than one. But you began this sentence by stating that she began to muster up her strength to make this attempt, which you then state was unsuccessful. It's weirdly inconsistent to be talking about multiple subsequent attempts, when you're talking about only beginning to make the first one...but then saying it failed.
I'm not sure what this sentence is trying to say. Is your intent to say that she failed to muster up her strength? Or are you intending to say that she failed to move?
When you go out of your way to specify that a thing is beginning to happen, that's different from saying that...it happens. "Beginning to happen" implies that a process has begun, but has not finished. For example, "I began running." That implies that the event "running" has started, but it has not finished, and that you can probably assume is still happening. Whereas if I say "I ran," that implies that the running is a thing that has completed. The running has ended, and is no longer occurring.
You're starting this sentence by saying that she "began" to do this thing, but then you're ending it by saying that it didn't actually happen, because she failed. How could it begin to happen if it didn't happen?
Mixing her sweat "to" the flow? I realize you're trying engage in metaphorical wordplay here, but that's not the correct preposition. Her sweat is mixing with the water, not to it.
Also, the way you've phrased this implies that the mixing of her sweat with the water is a direct consequence of the burning sensation in her body. Which I think is not what you intended. Again, I realize this is a metaphor. You're not literally stating that she's on fire. She feels hot, because she has a fever. That's fine. But her "feeling hot" is not the cause of her sweat mixing with the rain. It might be causing the sweating, but it's not causing the mixing. You're implying that it is.
1) That's incorrect usage of "achieved." I don't even know how to tell you to fix it, because that's simply not how that word is used.
2) It's unconventional to use "nonetheless" before a clause. Checking google, the consensus seems to be your usage is not technically incorrect, but nevertheless it stands out because that's not how that word would typically be used. It might not be wrong, but it definitely looks weird.
"A" yellow fur? So you're sayting the Fluttershy has only one fur? That's not correct. Fur is not a discrete thing that exists in countable units. Like sunlight. Can you have three sunlights? No, you "have sunlight." Fur is the same way.
1) She achieved to stand up? I understand what you're trying to say, but that's completely an incorrect way to say it. You're using the word "achieved" incorrectly.
2) You're doing weird things with time tense. "Achieved" is past tense. "Stand up" is present tense. "Began to run" is past tense. A smile appearing" is present tense. And "it was becoming" is...complicated. "Was becoming" is past tense description of an anticipated future. Yes, there are situations where you would use "was becoming" and it would make sense, but this isn't one of them. English is actually not entirely consistent in its treatment of time tense, but without turning this into a 2 page essay explaining why...that's not quite correct. You could probably get away with it if it weren't for all the other mixed time tenses earlier on, but with all the back and forth going on, it's a bit of a mess.
3) You're going out of your way to incorrectly specify a thing that hasn't happened, and talking about it like it's happened. You say that she "began to run" and you explicitly use "towards" rather than "to," both of which indicate that as of the time of this sentence, she's just now beginning her trip. She hasn't run "to" the cottage. She only "begun" running "towards" it. "To" and "towards" means different things in this context. But then you end the sentence stating that she's very close to it. Yes, it would be possible to construct a sentence that does combine both of these two things, but with all the inconsistent time tenses, this further contributes to the sentence being a mess.
4) "In a gigantic" is a weird say of describing effort. It' s not technically incorrect, but I had to think about it really hard, because it's such an unconventional way of phrasing it.
Putting all four of the above together, I would have phrased this sentence like this:
"With great effort she stood and ran to the cottage, a smile appearing on her face as it became near."
That makes the time tense consistent. We're writing in past tense. Stood is past tense. Run is past tense. Yes, "appearing" is present tense, but "appearing" occurred at the same time as "it became near" which is past tense, which makes it work. English is a little unintuitive in its treatment of time. For example, the following is incorrect:
"With great effort she stood and ran to the cottage, a smile appeared on her face as it became near."
"Appeared" is past tense. At a glance you might think that that would be correct, since it matches the time tense of the rest of the sentence. But no, that's incorrect. However, if you change the punctuation:
"With great effort she stood and ran to the cottage. A smile appeared on her face as it became near."
That is correct. Again, English is a little bit weird in regards to time.
So, apologies if I'm coming across a grammar nazi here, but throughout your entire story it's like every paragraph that has these little mistakes.
2) You have a curious habit of repeating yourself
A few examples from chapter 1:
Did you really need to say 'clear' three times within 9 words of each other? Did you really need to say 'very clear' twice? You're saying that the silhouette is clearly carved. Ok. What does saying that it's a "very clear" clearly carved silhouette add to this? Would it make sense for it to be an unclear, clearly carved silhouette? You're throwing the same words at us in ways that don't add meaning to these sentences.
Again with the double usage of "clearly." It's not incorrect, but doubling up on word choice reads poorly.
"For a second" twice in the same sentence.
"Oh my" repeated.
"Pale light" repeated.
"Again" three times in a single sentence with only eight words, and "and again" twice.
I don't want to say never do this. But you're doing it strangely a lot. Stories are a place for stylistic expression. That's ok. But when I find myself distracted from the story because I keep wondering why you're repeating yourself, that's a problem.
There's some other stuff, but I've spent a long time typing all this. The premise is good, it has a Twilight Zone feel to it and generally there was a lot of potential here. Unfortunately the ended was somewhat spoiled for me because I figured out what was going on fairly early. I think all the grammatical errors put me into "analyze" mode rather than "enjoy the story" mode. I recommend you get a proof reader.
6276171
No apology needed. On the contrary, I want to thank you. English isn't, as you figured it out, my first language. I'm a french speaker... so I'm more than happy to be told what I'm doing wrong.
I fear I haven't.
I gladly would, but I'm not sure how. From all of my friends, I'm still the one who speak english the best (which is not saying much...) and they don't even know I'm a brony.
As for asking a complete stranger... I'm not sure why someone would take his time to read and correct my stories instead of writing his own. I don't have much to offer there. But if there is a way, I would like to try it (would it only be to correct some of the "sort of good" stories I might have written).
Well...this was interesting. It was like Fluttershy was a ghost or something.