life becomes more difficult when you want something you can't get. roxy knows that. story inspired by my OC roxy and avril lavignes song losing grip.
Chapters (6)
- Member Since 3rd Aug, 2014
- offline last seen Jul 27th, 2016
BewhoUr
I don't care if you're black, white, bisexual, straight, gay, lesbian, short, tall, fat, skinny, rich, or poor. If you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. Simple as that.
BewhoUr
Joined 3rd Aug, 2014 ·
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This is a wall of text that is also in desperate need of capital letters.
This is an interesting premise in that, I assume, you have a pony writing a letter, or maybe telling a story to another pony with them. Yet it falls apart with grammar mistakes and the unclear backstory. I was only able to read the first chapter. You say the main character is the daughter of two alicorns, so who are the alicorns. Who are the sisters? Is there any reason to have the character be an earth pony other than to make them angry and resentful at their life and therefore attempt to tug on heart strings? Who are they even talking to here?
There are a few things you can do to improve yourself. First, learn how to describe things with your words. Your descriptions fail to really draw a reader in and comes across as a, "Here is a story about my OC." kind of story. Descriptive language can help to improve your word count as your chapters suffer from severely low word counts. If each chapter is a letter or part of a letter, it should be set up that way. If not, use that descriptive writing to let the reader know these are the musings of the character. All you have is a sob-story for your OC. You need a proofreader and an editor to make sure to address the numerous grammar issues and other issues such as choppy sentences, rushed story telling, and lack of clarity.
Overall, I rate your story at a 0 out of 10 and will be giving you a dislike. I hope you take my advice and improve in the future. Good luck to you.
Okay I'm going to be bland here, because it's almost midnight. I haven't even read the whole story and can tell you need an editor. By looking at your summery:
I can tell you need some help, so as I said before I'm going to be bland.
NEVER have your OC in your first book, it's something a lot of people dislike. Try to start with a short one shot to practice. Don't EVER go under a thousand words per chapter, you have no idea how much it irritates people. It's like having a summery for each chapter and not even a chapter, pretty much like slapping your outline in as your chapter.
If your going to write P.S.'s do them as blog posts or comments in the story, at that point readers are going to dislike it just for that. Take into account what all your readers have to say, they know what they're talking about; a good example being TheTrueDragon.
Now, I won't be going through ever chapter and correcting your mistakes then writing a whole new four paragraph long comment, because honestly I think you'll get what I'm saying.
I would like to help you with any future books as an editor, proofreader, reviewer, co-author, all four if you want. Baisicly, if you want help just PM me and we can go from there.
Till the next one
-R
.
First, since you're new, allow me to introduce myself. I am Commander Fowler, and I make a modest reputation reviewing fiction on this site.
Well, I'll go ahead and give you the usual review. Your grammar is flawed. In short, find an editor who knows what they're doing, or at least put in five minutes of effort to cram this through a processor like Microsoft Word and do a quick spellcheck. That still leaves a lot of holes, but then it is at least basically legible.
On top of that is your chapter length. Speaking from experience, your chapters need to be at least a thousand words each. Less than that and we have little to no context for the plot, let alone that the pacing will be so buggered that the readers will forget about what happened as soon as it passes. Ideally, a chapter should shoot for about 2,500-5,000 words. Any less and it gets too light to have good characterization or plot development. Any more and it tends to become a rambling mess.
As for the dubious plot it said, I'm still confused by it. Honestly, all I got from it is that an angsty earth pony is complaining about life. Admittedly, the backstory has the potential to be sad and tragic, but again the chapters are so short that we don't get any perspective to truly feel the sadness. This story doesn't obey the old rule of "show; don't tell" that good writing lives by. A good writer doesn't tell a story from event to event; anyone can do that. A good writer immerses their readers in an experience and paints mental images with vivid description of not just the physical, but emotional and thematic elements of the story. Rather than tell that this earth pony has had a hard knock life, show us scenes that depict why it's hard.
Anyways, there's my two cents. My advice? Calm down and take a few deep breaths for starters. I remember what it's like to be new and want to jump at the first chance to write my (admittedly awful) OCs into a story, and I remember that idea being a total failure. The truth is, a lot of new writers get stuck in this trap of being too trigger happy and jumping right into it without really taking time to think through their stories and develop their skills. However, what got me out of it was taking a few months to just wait and research on this site. I slowly started to learn important things like what subjects did well, which ones tanked, what cliches to avoid, and what new ideas would be worth something.
I'd suggest you do the same: find someone who really knows literature, like years of experience in professional grade fiction training, and learn everything you can about writing from them. Rather than writing an OC story, take baby steps with something simpler, like a few slice of life one shots, and practice and train to get better. To put it into comparison, would you expect an unfit man to bench press 240 pounds before he trained for months or after? Same goes for writing.
I hope this review helped. Oh yeah, and welcome to Fimfiction.
thanks for the opinions guys! I do know that the story was a little (Lot) bad. But I'm going to start writing about something i have more passion for and take more time on it. I don't know how i thought i could get something honestly good in a day. But i will take a deep breath and research.
) but i really appreciate the advice! also, do you think a shipfic would be a terrible choice for a next post? I'm working on one that i feel really good about :)
Yliad Yzzuf, thanks for pointing that out :)
TheTrueDragon, I understand the feeling that it was unclear. Thank you for the advice
ShadowBlazeCR, its nice of you to offer! I think i'll keep that in mind..
Commanderfowler, Hi! thanks for all the great advice, it's really helpful. I might be a little too exited (
hmm..I'm intrigued
this story could definitely could use a grammar check, and you could also try to combine every thing into one big chapter instead of a bunch of little ones. other than that this is an amazing story. Theres a reason I'm following you!
4995585
Aww, thanks!!! I wrote this so long ago, it was absolute horse poop.
But I'm glad you liked the concept! Thanks for following, it means alot