Shortly after moving into Ponyville, a gift from her parents causes Twilight to remember a tragic event from her fillyhood.
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Hack Writings
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The feelz
I felt nothing, maybe because the story isn't developed enough for me to feel the character's sadness.
4750789
I agree with you. The story needs a little more to it, it doesn't quite deliver the "punch" it should.
(Plus I'm not all that thrilled with the writer essentially repeating what the show did when Shining and Cadance were first introduced - their subsequent development doesn't excuse the fact they came in completely out of the blue!)
That wasn't bad at all for a first story; have a like.
Quite an interesting concept, of Twilight having had such a tragedy in her past. It could be one reason why she was close to Shining, and later to Spike -- because she realised just how important family was. As someone who's lost a (grown-up) sister in real life, I can empathise greatly with Twilight's grief and totally understand her running away in misery.
I thought the beginning and ending were the strongest parts of the story. The opening scene, with Twilight and Spike, was nicely done and made me want to read more -- which is, after all, the most important thing! And I found the last section pretty moving, in particular Celestia's gentle words to Twilight.
It does read a little unevenly, though. For example, I find it hard to believe that Celestia would simply tell Twilight her sister was dead like that, rather than trying to break it to her more gently. In fact, that could make quite a good scene: Twi realises something is very wrong and pushes Celestia to tell her, but Tia's experience means she knows she has to be as calm as possible.
There are also a few odd word choices (wouldn't Shining gallop to the Princess, not merely canter?) and you do this a lot:
That should be: "Enter," she said flatly. Comma rather than full stop and lower-case S.
You're also inconsistent with pony race names: you have "Pegasi" but "unicorn". It's probably best to stick with lower case, since that's what most writers do and a minority of commenters get very heated about the issue. (Personally, I don't mind either way, but it does need to be kept consistent. Obviously, proper names like School for Gifted Unicorns take capitals anyway.)
I should probably stop rambling! But from what I've seen here, I hope you'll write more ponyfic. This isn't a bad debut story.