Trucks in Equestria

by 35RatRod

Road Trip

Early one morning I woke up to a knock on my door. "Wer ist es!?" The knocking continued. "Who is it?!" Still no answer. If it's Applebloom or any of the other cutie mark crusaders I'm going to tan their hides. I poked my head out of a sleeper window to see Twilight beating down my door. Son of a bitch.

"Road Kill, I know you're in there. I need to talk to you."

"Was ist sie teufel?" She just looked at me like I'd completely lost my mind. "What do you want?"

"The Princesses want to meet you. The train to Canterlot leaves in a couple of hours." I just pulled my head back in muttering darkly. "And Road Kill... I'm sorry about your friend?" She started to walk away.

I'm probably going to regret this. "Hey Twilight." I poked my head back out of the window. "While we wait want to start learning how to drive?" Twilight quickly turned around and almost fell on her rump in surprise. "We'll use Meat Wagon." I pointed at Toetag's truck.

"Sure. But why not teach me with Lunaris?"

"Because, she doesn't have the patience, and I don't want to risk hurting her." Twilight glared at me as I said that. "Besides Meat Wagon is a little more forgiving."

"It can't be that hard. I've watched both of you drive it's easy."

I laughed hysterically. "Twilight. Mad Man and I have been driving for years. Luna and I have driven almost two million miles together. So yes, l will make it look extremely easy." I walked over to a small storage compartment at the back of my sleeper and pulled out a badly broken gear. "This happened when an inexperienced driver thought it was easy."

*****
Twilight's POV

We walked over to the truck that looked like it belonged at the front of a funeral procession. I watched as Road Kill undid a couple of straps and pulled on the front of its nose. "Before you start the engine at the beginning of the day you need to check the coolant it should be green or orange in color and not a milky brown. As we move to the front of the engine we're going to check for signs of any leaks. On the front we have the serpentine belt, it should have about 5/8 of an inch of play and not cracked, frayed, or broken. The radiator fan should spin freely, no cracked, broken, or missing blades. Then we'll check the alternator that it's secure and not damaged; all the wires aren't burnt frayed or broken. It is belt driven. The water pump is also belt driven; it needs to be secure and not damaged, not leaking. On the other side we're going to check the air compressor and the power steering pump to make sure that they're secure and not damaged or leaking; They're both gear driven. Also we're going to check the oil it should be at the proper level; it shouldn't have any bubbles or discoloration." He said while doing each thing he mentioned. Then he looked at me while I was taking notes. "I won't let you use those when I quiz you later." Buuuuuuuuuuuck meeeee. "And while we have easy access you also want to check the front leaf springs for cracks or breaks, and the steering linkages to see if they're straight and tight." He paused for a brief moment. "Now on to the the brakes. First we'll check the slack adjuster for excess play. Then you check the drum and shoes for wear." He pushed the nose back down to cover the engine again.

"Is that it?"

"Hündin bitte. This is just the beginning." He opened the driver's door and turned a key and the truck started beeping and buzzing while a bunch of little lights came on behind the steering wheel.

"Is there something wrong with the truck?"

He turned the key another notch and the truck roared to life, and he let go of the key. "Nein. Noch nichts." He stepped down to the ground after flicking a few switches turning on the lights.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing yet." Oh good. "Next we're going to check the tire pressure, all lights, rear springs and drive lines. Any questions?" I followed him around the truck as he looked at the top and underneath and he hit the side of each wheel.

"What are the flashing lights for?"

"Those are turn signals, but the red flashing lights also serve as brake lights." I tilted my head to the side. "Turn signals are used to warn people that you're turning to the left or the right, and if they're flashing together it usually signifies a Hazard in the road. It's the same idea with the brake lights they mean that the truck is slowing down or stopping." He just nodded and disconnected a few lines, pulled on a handle between the rear wheels on the truck, and turned a crank lowering the feet on the front of the trailer. "Now get in." He pointed to the driver's door.

Road Kill was in the right seat looking very nervous. "What's wrong?"

He just shook his head. "Nothing. Lets move on shall we?" I nodded and he pointed at the floor in front of me. "Those peddles at your feet make you stop and go. Keep in mind every time you stall the truck I give you a brain duster. So be gentle and fluid in your foot movements." I nodded for him to continue. "Going from left to right, the first one is the clutch it allows you to take the truck in and out of gear. The one in the middle is the the brake, it slows the truck down and brings her to a stop. And the one to the right is the accelerator it makes you go faster." He flicked a switch on the stick that came up from the floor. "This is the gear shifter. This truck has ten forward moving gears and two reverse gears. This toggle shifts the transmission from low range to high range. Now look at the dashboard that yellow diamond is the parking brake control. Push it in to release and pull it out to apply. It will also apply automatically if the air supply gets too low. Any questions?"

"Just a couple. What's the red octagon next to the parking brake? And when will the parking brake apply automatically?"

"The parking brake should automatically set when the air pressure is between 30-45 psi. I've seen it happen as low as 12. And the red octagon is the trailer air supply. Any more questions before we start?" I shook my head. "Ok hold your right foot on the brake, push the clutch all the way to the floor and hold it there until I say to let it out."

The brake pedal was easy to push. The clutch on the other hand I practically had to stand on to get to the floor. "Sweet Celestia! Should the clutch be that stiff?"

"Yes.-" He moved the gear shifter over towards me and down. Then he braced himself for something. "-Now release the parking brake, with your right foot gently press the accelerator, and SLOWLY let the clutch out."

"Ok, I'll try" I pushed in the parking brake release and started to let the clutch out when it overpowered me. Then the truck violently lurched forward and died.

*****
Road Kill's POV

Thank. You. Twilight. I had a neck. I looked at my watch. "What time did you say that the train leaves for Canterlot?"

"It leaves at 9:00. Why do you ask?"

"Lessons over for today. Pull on the parking brake, turn the key to the left until it's straight up and down, then hand it to me."

"Ok."- She handed me the key. -"What time is it?"

"It's 8:35. Just enough time to refuel Luna and Rarity and race to meet the train in town. So lets move." As she walked next to me I swiftly reached up and slapped Twilight up the back of her head.

"Ow! What the hay was that for?!" She asked rubbing the back of her head.

"That grasshopper is for giving the master whiplash." She still scowled at me rubbing the back of her head. "Remember, I said that you would receive one brain duster for every time you stalled the truck. That way I know you're sharing my pain."

"Well you do it then!" She said in frustration.

I stopped and looked her dead in the eyes just inches from her face. "I. Do. Every. Day. With a heavier clutch to boot. So don't try that with me." She was trying to back away from me as I stepped forward. "BECAUSE. IT. WILL. NOT. WORK." I practically spat.

"I-I-I-I'm s-sorry. I-it w-won't happen again." I looked at her over the top of my sunglasses. "I promise."

"It had better not; and if it does, consider your driving lessons OVER. " Twilight nodded. By that time we'd gotten back to Lunaris. "Does Mad Man know about the royal meeting?"

"No he doesn't they just asked to meet you."

I looked at my watch after I hung up the makeshift fuel pump, 08:55. "Shit. Get in time to go." We left for the train station in a spray of grass rocks and dirt.

After a minute of driving Twilight found her voice again. "Hey! I thought you said that the clutch was needed to change gears. You're not using it!" Twilight yelled pointing her finger at my feet.

"I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. I've been using it the entire time." I said as I started to double clutch.

Twilight gave me a stern glare. "I'm on to you mister."

We arrived at the train station and I looked at my watch, 08:58. Twilight and I ran over to the conductor and asked if there was a flat railcar for my truck. He bowed to Twilight and pointed at one right behind the last passenger car. "Your Majesty, I do ask that you hurry in loading because we are now departing late." He said bowing once more.

"I just meed 5-10 minutes."

While I was tightening the last chain holding Lunaris to her railcar Twilight stood on the platform tapping her wrist. "How much longer are you going to be? The conductor is getting antsy."

"Twilight it's only been five minutes, and yes I'm done tying her down." I said as I stowed my winch bar in Luna's headache rack.

"Good, let's go." She said as I was dragged into the last passenger car. The conductor walked over to Twilight. "Yes we're ready to depart." The conductor bowed one last time before exiting.

I reached into my bag and pulled out the rest of my porcupine jerky. "Would you like some overgrown prickly pear?" Holding out a couple of strips with an impish smirk on my face.

"Where did you get that? I've never seen it like that before." She asked questioning the look on my face.

"Off the road between Delta Junction and Fairbanks. Why? Do you not trust me?" I asked trying to sound as innocent as possible and putting a hand on my chest.

"No thanks. That isn't fruit." Damn she caught me. "What animal was that?" Are you sure that you want to know?

"It's porcupine. Das kleine Arschloch popped a couple of the inner duels on Luna's passenger side. The quills went clean through the sidewalls, so I had to limp her into Fairbanks for a couple of new tires."

"I... see. What other animals have you run over?"

"I've hit 2 moose, a caribou, 3 reindeer, a buffalo, a few cows, a few deer, about 75 skunks, countless rabbits, a snow fox, a few dogs, a few cats and a grizzly bear." Twilight's jaw hit the floor. "Hence the name, Road Kill. In fact I still have my first two kills in the truck."

"I see. Is there anything else you want to talk about?"

"Sure, how does magic work? For example levitation. I see you and Rarity using it constantly."

"First off Alicorns and Unicorns are the only pony races capable of performing magic."

"That doesn't answer my question. Lets say hypothetically I turned into a unicorn tomorrow. How would I use levitation for example?"

"Ok I'll bite. The main thing is having faith that you can do it. Levitation you have to have a great picture of your surroundings in your mind, and then you move the object in question in your mental image and the object should follow." Sounds easy enough.

After a few hours when Twilight's attention was elsewhere I decided to give levitation a try. Ok Tonio, you can do this. Next I pictured my bag raising up the three inches or so and into my hand.

"You did it, didn't you!" Twilight said as she whipped around to look at me.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. You just said that only unicorns and alicorns could do magic."

"But I felt it! Somepony was using magic!"

Twilight you're too much fun to mess with. "Twilight I only picked up my bag. Besides you're the only pony in here. It must be just a figment of your imagination."

"But I felt it! SOMEPONY WAS USING MAGIC!" She yelled as her eye began to twitch.

"I'm going to go check on Lunaris. I'll be right back." Once the door was closed I noticed that we were close to the city limits and that the train started to gradually slow down. I climbed into Lunaris and started her engine.

Once I reentered our private car Twilight spun around, her eye was still twitching. "Twilight calm down."- I put my hands on her shoulders. -"You're working yourself up over nothing." The twitch in her eye started to slow down and I heard the brakes on the train apply signaling our arrival. "This is our stop and I need a navigator"

"Very well I'll drop it for now. I'll wait for you in the truck."

I quickly unchained Lunaris and drove onto the now crowded platform. "Ach komm. Bewegen Sie Ihren Arsch!" I watched as a ball got wedged under my left steer tire as I rolled forward a couple feet causing the ball to pop. It caused a few ponies to move but only a few. So I calmly reached up to the tassel hanging from the roof and gave it a nice long, hard, tug. All of the ponies in front of me froze stiff, so I feathered the throttle a little and watched the shadows of the two clouds of smoke move across the sea of ponies causing more panic. I idled Lunaris forward as the ponies started moving out of the way, until I was stopped by what I guessed was a royal guard. At this point all of the ponies on the platform were out of the way with the exception of the gaurd.

Twilight and I got out to have a kind word with them. They just so happened to have called for backup. "Sir, you are under arrest! For disturbing the peace!" SHIT! This is gonna look good. I noticed that I suddenly didn't have the ability to move and was floating in the air.

"RELEASE HIM AT ONCE!"

"But your Majesty..."

"Are you hard of hearing?! Or do I need to talk to Celestia about you not following orders?!"- I was unceremoniously dropped. -"This gentlecolt happens to be my escort to the palace as well as a friend! So if you're done harassing him we're late for a meeting with Princesses Celestia and Luna!"

I could tell that Twilight hated to be late to the point of obsession. Once we were on our way with an escort from the gaurds we made great time getting to the castle. I looked over to a freaking out mare. "TWILIGHT!"- She jumped in her seat. -"Relax. See they're happy to see us." I pointed at the two smiling alicorns standing at the base of the castle steps. I set the parking brake causing the two princesses to jump a little. I turned off the engine and stepped out to greet our hosts. "Guten Morgen, eure Majestäten." As I reached forward to shake their hands. "Road Kill at your service."

"Thou art brazen to address us as an equal instead of your superior!" The dark alicorn boomed with much distaste.

"I hold no one above me nor below me until they prove otherwise, for the better or worse." Lets just hope that I won't go for a short drop and a sudden stop. "Almost everyone I meet starts with a basic level of trust, respect, and courtesy until they prove otherwise."

"If I may ask. What are the exemptions to that?" Celestia asked.

"Panhandlers and career politicians."- All three alicorns tilted their heads. -"Panhandlers because they are generally too lazy to try to earn their own way. And almost every career politician will promise almost everything under the sun and when they're in office it all goes out the window." I'm sorry but you fall into the later category.

"That makes sense, I suppose. So then Twilight, Luna, and I fall in the latter category." Almost, at least Twilight treats others with a shred of respect from the get go.

"You are correct, except Twilight has earned some of my trust." Lets see how Twilight responds to pressure. "Twilight. Want to show the Princesses what you learned this morning?" Her head whipped around so fast I thought her neck would break, and her eyes just about popped out of their sockets. "Remember, no notes."

"WHAT!? You can't be serious?"

"I'll keep it simple. Teach Princess Celestia the first part of the pre-trip inspection." I said with a sadistic grin.

Twilight noticed my grin. "What are you going to do if I miss something?"

My grin grew and Twilight's face fell even further. "If you miss three items or less you'll receive one brain duster for each item missed. If you miss four or more you'll receive two brain dusters for each item missed. And it doesn't have to be in order."

"What pray tell is a brain duster?" Princess Luna asked as she stood next to me.

"You'll see Princess, she missed a few things." When Twilight turned around I motioned for her to come to me, the grin still present.

"What did I miss?"

"Only some of the most important things to check especially on a truck with so many miles." Once she was in front of me I lightly slapped the back of her head.

As her head popped up I watched the light bulb come on in her mind. "I forgot to check the oil."

"What else did you miss?" I asked as I readied my hand for another brain duster. She looked at me with great confusion. I slapped her head again. "What makes the front tires turn together?"

The light bulb came on in Twilight's mind. "I also didn't mention the tie rod, third axle, drag link, or the Pittman arm."

I turned to look at Princess Luna. "Should I count that as five, seven, or ten items?"

Luna got a very sadistic grin on her face that I met with my own and she started to say ten when she was interrupted. "Luna, be kind to our newest peer. After all I think she did quite well... I think," said Celestia. "After all, how many times have you gone over that?"

"Once, this morning before we met the train. And yes she did quite well for only hearing it the one time." Twilight grinned and puffed out her chest with pride as she rocked back and forth on her feet. "So I'll be kind and count that as five. However until you figure what else was missed I get to give you a dusting each time I pass by." Starting now. I quickly slapped the back of her head again.

After a few hours and about fifteen brain dusters later I asked her opinion on the castle the light bulb came on in her mind. "All of the steering linkages are held together with castle nuts and cotter pins."

"Very good Twilight. I knew that you would remember eventually." She gave me a very stern glare while rubbing her head.

"Speaking of which," said Princess Luna. "What dost thou think of our humble home?" I snorted at that.

"Humble my ass." Twilight looked rather shocked. "Humble is a shack on the outskirts of town or living in the back seat of the car."

"Oh, like living in your truck?" Twilight asked.

"No. My truck isn't a good example of humble by any stretch of the imagination." All three alicorns looked confused. "Lunaris is by all means a show truck. There are many truckers that would just about kill to have a truck like her."

"Now that thou mentions it. Wouldst thou show us?"

"Sure we could go for a short drive. Is there anywhere in particular that you would like to go?"I asked as we walked back to Lunaris.

Once we all were in the truck Luna sat in the sleeper in front of the fireplace. After a few minutes she said, "thine feline tis extraordinarily calm."

"I would be very surprised if he wasn't," I said.

"Why is that?" Celestia asked.

"He's dead." Celestia and Luna looked very shocked but didn't believe me. "The spark of his life has been smothered in shades." They still looked confused. "His spirit is gone and his stench remains." I laughed as I watched their looks of confusion turn to looks of horror.

"How can thou sayth such a thing about thine cat?!"

"Easy I'm the one that snapped it's neck to put it out of its misery."

Author's Note:

Das kleine Arschlochh komm. Bewegen Sie Ihren Arsch! Oh come on. Move your ass!
Was ist sie teufel? What is it she devil?
Hündin bitte. Bitch please.

Hoped you enjoyed.
Please review

Comments

[Fa-18]

ok the story was ok but when you start some other chapters be sure to put in details of whats happening especialy when your describing the events taking place also kinda slow down a bit and keep a good time line for the events....if you want we can chat and ill show you what i mean....that takes place but overall its a ok story so ill keep track of it