Rainbow Dash has been doing her usual thing, going to school, going to her apartment, going to sleep. When she goes to a Pinkie and Cheese party something happens that surprises her.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 24th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen Apr 10th, 2017
Lightning Splash
Hi everypony, I'm a young pegasister who likes to read and write mlp fanfics, also I am very careful with what I favorite. I hope you like my stories and I would appreciate if you would follow me.
Lightning Splash
Joined 24th Jun, 2014 ·
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Cute.
I am such a four year old, finding humor in this.
Anyway, kissing her was a pretty bold move, especially on Rainbow Dash, who is quite capable of punching him if she hadn't liked him. But I liked it. Up vote from me!
4648814
Yay! So should I continue on? Or should that be the end? I'm glad you liked it though.
4648828 I think it's good enough as it is.
4648847
Thanks.
that was totally awesome!:pinkie happy: please keep writing please please please
4649314
Thanks! I know a lot of people hate this story, probably 'cause it says she a lot, but I'm glad you liked it. Um, should I continue writing the story or just leave it there.
Is this an Equestria Girls fic? I don't think you said. If it is, let me know. I'm collating all the EG fics and the Mirrorverse fics into one big group called Canon Alternate Universes. Also, if you can find a Soarin/Dash pic with them as human, that would be good.
If you don't mind some suggestions--
As some people have suggested, leave a space between paragraphs. It makes it much easier to read. You can also try changing things up a little so "she" isn't the first word in every sentence: it creates a choppy effect.
Now, as to the romance--this part is up to you. I think these things are probably better applied to your next fic than trying to fix up this one. I can see what some people are saying about "romance out of nowhere." I didn't actually get the impression that it was out of nowhere, because Dash has had a crush on Soarin for a long time, or at least you suggested that, right? But for them actually to hook up at the party where he dumped Spitfire and Dash heard him do it--that makes Soarin look bad. Really bad, because it looks as though he doesn't care how bad Spitfire feels about it. Dash, too--she's all about loyalty. Wouldn't she feel terrible about simply picking up Soarin right away, with her team captain right there?
What you could do, and what I think might be more in character for Dash, is to show her during that getting dressed scene fighting with herself. She wants to look good because Soarin is there, but she feels dumb about the makeup, and she feels a bit jealous or envious because Soarin is Spitfire's boyfriend, and maybe a bit guilty, too. She could put it on, scrub it off, find out that mascara doesn't come off with soap--it could even get kind of funny. Then once the breakup starts happening at the party--how is she supposed to react? She likes Soarin, but of course she likes Spitfire, and what will this do to the team? It might affect team spirit! They could lose!
Now if you wanted to go ahead and let them have their kiss, you could--but then one or both of them could say, "sorry, can't do this, it's too weird and I feel too bad about it." And THAT is your hook for more chapters: Dash not quite knowing if Soarin is thinking about making it up with Spitfire, dealing with the fallout on the team, Soarin trying to show her that she's not just a rebound date. . . does that make sense?
But anyway, if you keep asking yourself and bringing it back to "what would Dash think or do in this situation?" that will definitely help.
Finally, I do hope you're not intimidated, and I hope you find the concrit helpful. Take what's helpful, leave the rest, and decide what you want to do with it as you best see fit.
4652815
Thank you, and it is a eg fic. um, i was kind of thinking, wow, Soarin' is a jerk and making Rainbow Dash think that too, also she did like him since freshman year. Thank you again, I hope you liked it.
4652969 Thanks for letting me know. I have a group for Canon AU fics (Equestria Girls, Mirrorverse, Power Ponies) and I will put this in the group.
4652997 great.
4653005 You might like to put that in the long description, too.
Deleted comments? Well, fuck this shit. Why should I bother to give suggestions or even say what I think if you are just going to clap your proverbial hand over my mouth? Kindly take my dislike, and a word of caution: deleting comments is the best way to sink your own ship. Kthnxbai.
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/131934362251.gif
4653111 I only delete comments that are incredibly rude or that are, in rare cases, satanic. Like your comment was a bit insulting, but not entirely mean. You were expressing your self and I understand your worry that everything you say will be deleted. No one likes it when their comments are deleted, but, sometimes it must be done. :)
4653142 The thing is, even if it is rude, it is an opinion and an expression, and one that you do not have the right to censor just because you don't appreciate it. Here, this link explains more than I could, and it's by one of the site mods to boot: How to Handle Criticism. Scroll down to the part in bold that reads "do not delete comments".
I get where you are coming from, and why you think that. But here, it's a matter of pride. If someone is super rude (and I don't mean "he said something that hurt your feelings" rude, I mean "lol go kill urslef" rude) warn them calmly in a comment and then tell a moderator if they continue. Don't just delete the comment, it will make your life that much harder and your reputation that much lower.
4653198 I understand your point of view, I did not think of that before, so I want to say thank you for broadening my vision, I never try to be short sided. Um, but I'm still deleting the satanic ones. Oh and sometimes I delete my own because It's private information. :)
4653246 Yeah, I would agree on the satanic ones.
Though, wait, you had satanic comments? 
Why? That's... weird. Unless they were trolling, then that would be kinda normal. People do anything for some attention on this faceless internet.
Well, thank you for listening, and for being so polite. That seems to be pretty rare around criticism here and is really refreshing. I wish you luck in the future!
Cheers.
4653282 thanks. Good luck in the future to you too.
4653282 Mine wasn't satanic. My comment was what I felt for this story and with a bad pun
4655824 Oh, sorry. I deleted yours by accident.
it was rather funny. But, in the past i have gotten satanic ones.
4656514 It's alright, but is it ok if a write it again?
4656535 of course, feel free to express yourself.
next chapter next chapter next chapter
I hope that I'm dreaming because this is a nightmare
Well I for one really liked it
4661916 thank you!!
4660005 I'm glad you liked it too. I'll probably make another. :)
4663948
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY
4664205 yay! I edited the first chapter a little, I'm glad you like it. At least...I think you like it. :) anyways, thanks
4661245 ha. Ha. Very. Funny. •_•
keep it going SUPPORT
new chapter!! this was awsome!!!
SUPPORT
so there basickly humans? am i right or wrong cuzz it sure douse sound like it...
4711685 Im glad you liked it
4711856 Yes, they are humans
4711703 Thank you!
If this is an EG fic, then why would Rainbow put on foundation in the first chapter? Unless they make foundation for blue skin?
4744990 well, I guess they make foundation in blue
4745580 Probably do in EG universe. With all the purple, red, etc colors.
Oh damn! Someone's in trouble!
Soatin is a jerk..
Moooreee
AND THIS IS WHY I DATE FOXY NOT SOARIN. FOXY WOULD NEVER DO THAT TO ME. SOARIN YOU ARE A JERK
Dayum girl. Hope this will be updated in the future!