Rainbow stepped into her apartment; chunks of her ponytail had fallen out from soccer and sweat made a few flyways’ stick to her face. She reached behind her head and pulled out the pony, letting her rainbow hair fall around her shoulders. She walked up to her room and pushed open her window, she stuck her head out letting the cold night air cool her down. Rainbow picked up her brush and headed over to her mirror, her hair had gotten a lot longer than she last remembered. She expected it fall around her chest, but now, it was to her belly button. Before Dash even started to brush it, she gave up, it was a long day and she knew it would be hard to get all the tangles out. She kicked off her blue tennis shoes and fell on to her bed, which had clothes strewn about it. She slowly got up; she had to get ready for Pinkie’s party tonight. She took off her rainbow socks and pulled her pink and white skirt down to step out of it. Her bike shorts were tightly stuck to her body and she slowly pulled them off. She had already taken off her jean jacket and hung on the coat rack downstairs. She took off the six ponies on her wrists, three on each wrist, they were red, yellow and blue. She pulled off her white shirt, which was now stained with grass and dirt. She threw it into the ever-growing pile of dirty clothes. Rainbow pulled a pair of jean shorts on and a rainbow striped shirt that said; twenty percent cooler. She stepped into a pair of blue toms and put a barrette that looked like a thunderbolt in her hair. She slipped on a matching bracelet. She didn’t bother with anything on her ears because she didn’t have them pierced. She picked up her Iphone. It had twenty messages, nineteen from Pinkie Pie. She read it:
Hi Rainbow Dash! Next.
How are you doing? Next.
Are you okay? Next.
Are you going to respond? Next.
Are you DEAD!! Next.
I’m just joking. Next.
:) Next.
Just checking in. Next.
Soo….More.
Um… There were a few more but Rainbow didn’t bother to read them. There was one other though, not from Pinkie Pie. It was from Soarin’.
Hey Rainbow, didn’t see ya at the football game today. See ya at Pinkie’s party. Rainbow smiled, she had secretly had a crush on Soarin’ since freshman year. She fell over on her bed smiling. She felt the need to dress up more. She picked up her brush again and took out her barette. She started to lazily brush her hair. She decided to text him back.
See ya. She sent it. She walked into her bathroom and brushed her teeth. She splashed her face with water. She glanced at the make-up that sat on her counter. She never bought make-up or used it. Her friends, especially Rarity, always gave her make-up as a present. She picked it up. She put some foundation on, brushed some blush on and did a few strokes of mascara, she thought she might curl her lashes, but after lookin at the contraption she decided not to because, to her, it resembled a toture device. She put her barette back in. She glanced at the curling wand that sat on her counter as well. Another gift from Rarity. After a few tries she finally got the hang of it. Rainbow spirals surrounded her face and Rainbow Dash actually kind of liked it. She grabbed her messenger bag with her keys and Iphone and headed to her car. Her bathing suit was in her bag along with a notebook, pencil, and an inflatable pool ball. When she arrived there was the sound of a bass pumping and lights shone from Pinkie’s back yard. She knock on the door.
“Hey, Dashie! The party’s just getting started!” Pinkie Pie stood at the door. Rainbow was led through her house which was decorated with streamers and balloons. Food sat temptingly on the tables. When Rainbow got to the backyard she was surprised. The pool sat in the center of the yard with lights shining inside the water. Lights shined everywhere, flashing and pulsing in interesting shapes. ‘Radioactive’ played loudly with the bass turned all the way up, neon balloons littered the floor. Other than the lights in the pool and the ones flashing all around it was pitch black. There was a photo booth off to the side and a dance floor on the other side. This was definitely not like Pinkie’s regular nice and all parties, this was awesome.
“Pinkie, this party is going to be awesome!”
“Thanks,” Pinkie smiled. “I had a guy named Cheese Sandwich help me.” More people started to file in. Soarin’ walked over to her.
“Hey Rainbow Dash, whoa, you look nice.” Soarin’ said. Rainbow blushed.
“Thanks, you too.” He smiled.
“Oh look, there’s Spitfire.” He walked to her. Spitfire and Soarin’ had been dating for almost a year now. Rainbow sat there for a while then went inside to grab a snack. When she was done she got changed into her bathing suit. She went back outside.
“Come on in, Dashie, the water’s great!” Pinkie called from inside. Rainbow backed up, ran towards the pool and jumped in curled in a ball. She felt herself plunge into the water, which was surprisingly warm, she felt her curly hair go over her head. She touched the bottom of the pool and pushed off, rising to the top. Shortly after swimming, Dash needed to pee. When she got out of the water, her make-up had washed off, but didn’t leave any marks. She wrapped herself in a towel and walked inside. She turned a corner and paused at the stairs when she saw Soarin’ and Spitfire again.
“You told me you loved me!” Spifire yelled at him.
“I do!” Soarin’ said.
“Then why are you breaking up with me?” Spitfire’s voice cracked.
“Because I don’t want to hurt you! I love someone else as well as you and…I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m sorry.” Rainbow said shocked, backing up.
“No it’s fine.” Spitfire said and looked at Soarin’. “I was just leaving.” She said. She turned away and ran.
“Spitfire!” He called after her. Rainbow walked past him to the bathroom, after she peed she changed back into her regular clothes. She went back out and dipped her feet in the pool, letting the coolness calm herself. Soarin’ and Spitfire just broke up. It still shocked her. Slower music started to play. “Hey Rainbow.” Soarin’ sat next to her dipping his own feet in.
“Hi.” She replied shortly. Soarin’ choked a sob. Rainbow felt a surge of sadness and pity. She scooted closer and rubbed his back.
“Do you wanna dance?” He asked. Rainbow smiled.
“Sure.” He stood up and held his hand out. She took it and he led her to the dance floor. They danced for a while until the music sped up. Soarin’ led her off the dance floor. He turned to leave. “Wait.” Rainbow said and he paused. “Don’t leave.” He turned to her and smiled.
“Let’s take a picture.” He suggested. They walked over to the booth and stepped inside. Before she could start the picture taking, Soarin’ stopped her. “Wait.”
“Yeah?” She asked.
“You know when I was talking to Spitfire…the girl I was talking about, who I loved…She’s you.” Rainbow’s mouth popped open. The words echoed in her brain and her heart hammered in her chest. Soarin’ drew her close, he put his arms on her shoulders. Her hair was now dry, but still curly. He brushed it out of her face and leaned in and kissed. The moment their lips touched it felt magical, Rainbow had never been kissed before and she was glad it was with Soarin’. His lips were perfectly soft, but the power behind them was strong. Her stomach fluttered like crazy and she tried to move out of the embrace at first, but melted into it, feeling herself being lifted up in Soarin’ strong arms. He was holding her cradle style, never breaking the kiss. She put her hands on his face. Her chest was pressed into his and their hearts were in perfect sync. She put her hand into his blue hair, she pushed his head so his lips went deep into hers. She opened her mouth slightly and so did his, she closed it again and he did as well. She felt her lips pucker. His hand momentarily touched her butt, but she didn’t mind. They slowly pulled away and broke the kiss.
“I love you too.” She said and they kissed again. His hand brushed her sleeve off. She broke the kiss momentarily. “Not quite yet, lover boy.” She smiled and resumed kissing.
Cute.
I am such a four year old, finding humor in this.
Anyway, kissing her was a pretty bold move, especially on Rainbow Dash, who is quite capable of punching him if she hadn't liked him. But I liked it. Up vote from me!
4648814
Yay! So should I continue on? Or should that be the end? I'm glad you liked it though.
4648828 I think it's good enough as it is.
4648847
Thanks.
that was totally awesome!:pinkie happy: please keep writing please please please
4649314
Thanks! I know a lot of people hate this story, probably 'cause it says she a lot, but I'm glad you liked it. Um, should I continue writing the story or just leave it there.
Is this an Equestria Girls fic? I don't think you said. If it is, let me know. I'm collating all the EG fics and the Mirrorverse fics into one big group called Canon Alternate Universes. Also, if you can find a Soarin/Dash pic with them as human, that would be good.
If you don't mind some suggestions--
As some people have suggested, leave a space between paragraphs. It makes it much easier to read. You can also try changing things up a little so "she" isn't the first word in every sentence: it creates a choppy effect.
Now, as to the romance--this part is up to you. I think these things are probably better applied to your next fic than trying to fix up this one. I can see what some people are saying about "romance out of nowhere." I didn't actually get the impression that it was out of nowhere, because Dash has had a crush on Soarin for a long time, or at least you suggested that, right? But for them actually to hook up at the party where he dumped Spitfire and Dash heard him do it--that makes Soarin look bad. Really bad, because it looks as though he doesn't care how bad Spitfire feels about it. Dash, too--she's all about loyalty. Wouldn't she feel terrible about simply picking up Soarin right away, with her team captain right there?
What you could do, and what I think might be more in character for Dash, is to show her during that getting dressed scene fighting with herself. She wants to look good because Soarin is there, but she feels dumb about the makeup, and she feels a bit jealous or envious because Soarin is Spitfire's boyfriend, and maybe a bit guilty, too. She could put it on, scrub it off, find out that mascara doesn't come off with soap--it could even get kind of funny. Then once the breakup starts happening at the party--how is she supposed to react? She likes Soarin, but of course she likes Spitfire, and what will this do to the team? It might affect team spirit! They could lose!
Now if you wanted to go ahead and let them have their kiss, you could--but then one or both of them could say, "sorry, can't do this, it's too weird and I feel too bad about it." And THAT is your hook for more chapters: Dash not quite knowing if Soarin is thinking about making it up with Spitfire, dealing with the fallout on the team, Soarin trying to show her that she's not just a rebound date. . . does that make sense?
But anyway, if you keep asking yourself and bringing it back to "what would Dash think or do in this situation?" that will definitely help.
Finally, I do hope you're not intimidated, and I hope you find the concrit helpful. Take what's helpful, leave the rest, and decide what you want to do with it as you best see fit.
4652815
Thank you, and it is a eg fic. um, i was kind of thinking, wow, Soarin' is a jerk and making Rainbow Dash think that too, also she did like him since freshman year. Thank you again, I hope you liked it.
4652969 Thanks for letting me know. I have a group for Canon AU fics (Equestria Girls, Mirrorverse, Power Ponies) and I will put this in the group.
4652997 great.
4653005 You might like to put that in the long description, too.
Deleted comments? Well, fuck this shit. Why should I bother to give suggestions or even say what I think if you are just going to clap your proverbial hand over my mouth? Kindly take my dislike, and a word of caution: deleting comments is the best way to sink your own ship. Kthnxbai.
iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/131934362251.gif
4653111 I only delete comments that are incredibly rude or that are, in rare cases, satanic. Like your comment was a bit insulting, but not entirely mean. You were expressing your self and I understand your worry that everything you say will be deleted. No one likes it when their comments are deleted, but, sometimes it must be done. :)
4653142 The thing is, even if it is rude, it is an opinion and an expression, and one that you do not have the right to censor just because you don't appreciate it. Here, this link explains more than I could, and it's by one of the site mods to boot: How to Handle Criticism. Scroll down to the part in bold that reads "do not delete comments".
I get where you are coming from, and why you think that. But here, it's a matter of pride. If someone is super rude (and I don't mean "he said something that hurt your feelings" rude, I mean "lol go kill urslef" rude) warn them calmly in a comment and then tell a moderator if they continue. Don't just delete the comment, it will make your life that much harder and your reputation that much lower.
4653198 I understand your point of view, I did not think of that before, so I want to say thank you for broadening my vision, I never try to be short sided. Um, but I'm still deleting the satanic ones. Oh and sometimes I delete my own because It's private information. :)
4653246 Yeah, I would agree on the satanic ones. Though, wait, you had satanic comments? Why? That's... weird. Unless they were trolling, then that would be kinda normal. People do anything for some attention on this faceless internet.
Well, thank you for listening, and for being so polite. That seems to be pretty rare around criticism here and is really refreshing. I wish you luck in the future!
Cheers.
4653282 thanks. Good luck in the future to you too.
4653282 Mine wasn't satanic. My comment was what I felt for this story and with a bad pun
4655824 Oh, sorry. I deleted yours by accident. it was rather funny. But, in the past i have gotten satanic ones.
4656514 It's alright, but is it ok if a write it again?
4656535 of course, feel free to express yourself.
keep it going SUPPORT