One, go to the spa with Rarity and Fluttershy.
Two, return to castle.
Three, stay up until the wee hours of the morning reading that book on ancient Equestrian history Princess Cadence sent her.
Typical Twilight Sparkle daily schedule. At least, whenever she can get her schedule to cooperate these days. Seems like there's always some kind of problem- a god of chaos with his antics, or two friends bickering about nothing, or a love letter that... wait, a love letter?
Flagged "teen" just to be safe. Comments are open, so tell me what you think and/or what I'm doing wrong!
Chapters (2)
This story is brilliant, so far. A lot of different things going on, but none of them seem irrelevant. Is there a reason Ditzy was so insistent on delivering the letter? Is there something more to Rarity's "impatience" at Twilight not opening the letter? These are the questions I asked myself as I read, and that's an excellent effect for a story to have.
The timing is excellent. I don't find myself skipping anything, nor do I find myself wishing there was more detail. It's just the right amount to keep me interested and immersed.
Also, just a personal preference, I like that the story is centered around characters already in the show. It's always refreshing to see stories that aren't blatant self-inserts or Mary-sue oc's.
Good work! Keep it up!
The only thing that seemed off-kilter was the propensity for what looked like scare quotes: "greatest" flyer in Equestria, the "unreformed" God of Chaos, several others. Surely not everything in this scenario is sarcastic.
Otherwise, it's a hell of a good setup, and it gets an up.
4619313 Yeah, I see what you're talking about. I'll clean that up, it's just what came to mind when I was writing it.
4619299
Wow, thanks guys! seeing my story 5/0 means a lot to me, and I really do appreciate the votes of confidence here!
who is It from and I check the characters on the story but it seem to be from ether spike,rarity,or fluttershy...oh the drama!!
"Oh" haha best reaction ever
I'm intrigued. What, indeed, does the letter say....?
Well, I would say that this opening chapter is well written... It flows nicely with good characterization and as such it was enjoyable. The only real negative would be the artificial cliff-hanger... You didn't really establish a plot line or any reason to have us hanging onto what was in the letter more than idle curiosity. Instead, it comes across as "if you want to know what this story is actually about, you'll have to come back next time."
Once there is a second chapter posted this won't be an issue for future readers, but for now it's more disappointing than intriguing that it ends there.
4620127 that's actually pretty helpful advice, and I appreciate your input. I'll be sure to keep it in mind.
4619540 Oh, I do love a good drama! Wait...
4619732 I thought so too.
4619852 I'm glad I got you on the ropes!
Okay, I'm the last person in the world who would have the right to complain about cliffhangers! (And, actually, it's a pretty good hook to get your readers to keep reading.)
Other than that, my only suggestion would be to pare down some of the scenes. If something isn't related to the story, think about cutting it. For example, the guard also getting a letter in the first scene. If that's going to be important later, keep it. But if it's just a bit of making the world a little more fleshed-out, I'd say save that sort of thing for later in the story when the momentum of the plot will keep people reading. Right at the beginning it feels like a slow spot to me.
Otherwise, good work! You're keeping the ponies in character and have a very good set-up!
4622359 you know what? You really can't complain about cliff hangers, jackass.
Nah, I'm just messin' with ya. But know that world building is important.
4622529
4623424 besides, jt's supposed to be symbolic of the letter's importance.
Nice story. In the beginning, you had a few typos regarding your guard characters gender, calling them both a male and female, sometimes within the same sentence. And later on, as you would switch from speaker to speaker was rather dicey. I had to slow down and re read a couple lines, but nothing that really detracts from the story. Other than that? A damned fine story amigo. Looking forward to more.
Peace, Sam
4623897 happy to serve, and I appreciate your input. I'll look into that sometime when I'm nit on my iPod.
Qutie impressive, the fact that Spike is still a 'baby' dragon and sees Twilight as his sister disappoints me but I suppose not all stories can be Spilight, I would suggest an editor and proofreader with any future chapters, I honestly enjoyed this, can't wait to read more, also DERPY!!!!!!
4626335 mythological dragons lived for thousands of years. Spike is about 17. Besides, that would make for a much less heartbreaking tale I have planned.
4626619 I can agree with that, and fair enough point, shall read on
4633396 contrary to common belief, I do know what I'm talking about sometimes.
4633409
Here, here
4633417 yeah, yeah, laugh it up.
4626619 What to make it less heart breaking? Here is my onion try to say hat Spike is dating someone else or say that he lost interest in Rarity.
4643498 "Less" heartbreaking? Why would I want that?
4643761 you said you are going to make it less hart braking. Or are you just going to change your mind?
4645697 No, I said it wasn't SpiLight because it would be less heartbreaking.
4645998 oh..
4646042 Trust me. I know what Im doing.
HEAR YE HEAR YE ALL HAIL DISCORDS BULLSHIT AND THEN REALIZE THIS STORY IS TWILIGHT X DISCORD (mostlikely) AND THEN ALSO REALIZE SHITS GONNA GET REAL ~Sombra 2014
Also im writing an action/Romance on my channel only one chapter so far but i think its worth seeing
4743918 this is NOT Twilight x Discord. I would puke.
4743924 I might have to check that out.
FRICK MY SISTER SCREWED WITH MY PHONE NOW MY FIRST CHAPTER IS GONE p.s. Thank god its not that ship
4747367 ha! Sucks to suck!
Lol
Ooh, updates!
She is completely wrong isn't she?
5073858 I know, I'm so excited!
No, wait a minute...
5073957 it is a distinct possibility that she's completely wrong.
Well, if i had to throw in my two cents, i'd say the letter is from Rarity and Spike recognised her writing almost immediately. Just a guess.
5074531 what! Who said anything about that? Maybe I don't want your two cents!
5074542 ah, babbling denial. That's a good sign... :)
5074562 *eyes dart around the room* I think you should leave,
Poor Spike,
I just don't know what went wrong
Pranksters
5086799 I'll tell you what went wrong. I decided I wanted to see Spike suffer. So I'm making him suffer.
So it is a combat novel.
5088918 no. Also, please use the reply function.
This foreshadowing thing... You must teach me the secrets of your success!
5129516
That's funny. You think I know how these things work. No, seriously, I didn't even plan this.
Eeeeeeeeee! Very nice first chapter! Your writing style is also very fluid and great, and everyone seems very IC! I wish I hadn't waited until now to start reading whooops
Oh nooooo, Twilight is going to ask advice on how to date Fluttershy to Rarity? That should be very interesting and potentially hilarious.
Also, it was an extremely bad idea to read this in the middle of class, because I'm pretty sure my professor knows my constant smiling has nothing to do with his class...
5147048 Well, thank you so much for the compliments!
5147062 I was going to say something about it never being a good idea to read during class, but I do that all the time. And, it's a whole lot more interesting if you've been paying attention...