You're a reader of this fiction. Yes, you are. You are taken to Equestria by your Alicorn OC, Weeping Fire. But what will you find? Well, why don't you read to find out.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 17th Mar, 2014
- offline last seen Jan 28th, 2022
Civviq Writer
Stories are dreams on screen~
Civviq Writer
Joined 17th Mar, 2014 ·
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Ha, that was an interesting read, had my mind reeling for a second. Like, "whaaat??"
I hung on though and wasn't disappointed!!
Imma go ahead and fan ya, so you go ahead and tell me when you have more written. Dealio??
Three words: What... the... what.
Have a like for the nonconsensual reader-insert.
Well, you've got some homophone issues, the occasional tense inconsistency, and you can't seem to decide if this is first- or second-person. Seriously, if you have both inner monologue and a self-referential narrator, you're going to want to include some way of distinguishing between the two. Italicization, single quotes, something.
As for the story, there's no sense of tension, disorientation, or really anything that might be interesting. Things happen, we're asked to care, and we're not really given a reason to.
Also, apparently Applejack can rival the feminine wiles of an alicorn "cursed with beauty." No reason given, she's just applebucking Helen of Troy.
So, yeah, in the end, I can even, and I know what this is. Sadly, that's not very good. Sorry.
4577629
Well, first of all: thank you.
Thank you for your comment. Now I know what went wrong and I can improve it.
And I am going to! I really need to get some more thought in it before I submit it... *sigh*
Anyway, somewhere when I have got time I will correct this. I hope that'll stop the dislike wave...
Again, thank you very much. I really need more people like you to review my stories - at least I can know what went wrong.
4585022
Hey, when Derpy's your favorite pony, you work to make sure people know exactly what went wrong.
Good luck with the revisions, and thank you for being so amenable to criticism.
4585093
Ok. Check it out now! It's a bit better now, some grammar fixes and clearification of some things...
The Applejack-thingie is also a bit better now, I hope.
Thanks again for your comment!
4602211
Bedankt! I'll adjust the mistakes.