Changelings are viewed as evil monsters hellbent on stealing love and feeding off of it. But how much of this is actually true?
Chrysalis is now a queen of a nearly extinct race as punishment for mistakes she made many months ago that led up to the invasion on Canterlot. This same mistake was influenced by her own weakness, one she must feed on.
Trying to keep this weakness under her mask, Chrysalis travels to the nearby town of Ponyville where she hunts for love for her to sustain herself long enough to find a suitable pony to help her rebirth her race. What she doesn't expect, is to find the Element of Magic welcoming her in, albeit under disguise. But what comes out of this small bud of possible friendship and simple need to feed?
[img]http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2014/170/5/2/untitled_1_by_watermane2000-d7n2ul8.png[/img]
Artcover by fiendaffliction of Deviantart.
Originally Bakmah Genesis, but then his life took a bad turn and he couldn't focus on this story anymore. He puts it up for adoption and guess who has it now?
- Member Since 2nd Dec, 2013
- offline last seen Dec 19th, 2015
watermane2000
Gamer,and brony..........duh.
watermane2000
Joined 2nd Dec, 2013 ·
Offline
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Chapters (3)
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I like.
4572361 me like you cuz you like.
Interesting. I really like this. I always did enjoy this little shipping. Fun. I really hope to see more!
4572469 all in good time my good sir. All in good time, you shall have your shippings. All in good time.
Okay.
Sugercube?
Yes?
Stop being creepy.
I always enjoy reading these ships. I'm dying to see how things go in the morning! Keep up the good work!
4573113 I enjoy that you as well. I'm currently writing chapter two now so (nudges Fluttershy)
YAY!!
4573339 YES IT IS!! CAUSE I WANT IT TO BE!!! CAUSE SCREW YOU DEATH I CALL DIBS ON ECWM!!!!
4573376 I think it's rather ugly myself, but whatever.
So you took down the original version to do a more refined version eh... We'll I liked the original but I am liking where this is going. So keep up the good work.
4573465 I am not the original guy who made it. This guy is ---------> link to dude
He deleted the story but before he did he made a blog post asking people to adopt his fic along with 4 others and I took up arms and adopted it.
But I'm glad you think it's more refined. Honestly, I was terrified of how people will take my version of the fic but I'm glad so far it's doing ok.
Involves changelings...must read, must read now.
~ Michael A.
4573863 Finally! Someone has a problem with the story! YES!!!
4573682 Someone likes Changelings.
Oh god, way to fast.
And way to naive from Twilight, it was like :
Oh hi I know you are Chrysalis and you pretty much are asshat but I'm cool with this.
Uh ok?
Yeah lets go to sleep I trust you that you won't do anything bad etc etc.
Yeah I'm cool with this.
I mean it would be more plausible if Twilight was acorn already (because she have somehow even more power and can be confident in this) but no, and if counting IDW comic then its even less plausible that she trusted her just like that.
In one way you make her skeptic and all that spells on start but secondly its just like oh whatever.
4573937 YES!! ANOTHER ONE WITH A PROBLEM WITH THE STORY!!! MY DAY/NIGHT IS BEING SO MADE RIGHT NOW!!
4573944
Not sure if sarcasm ...
4573945 I'm being serious. So far it's only you and Dekachcho who has problems with the story and I am really happy for that you have problems with it.
I like, I like very much. And I need more. More!!!!
~ Michael A.
4574169 Probably tonight or tommorow. Just depends.
Thanks for adopting this, I happened to see it on the popular stories box, and I was wondering if it was updated... At least it has someone who will take care of it and update it now.
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
4574717
You're welcome. Wait.
.........
........
............
Ah think you broke him guys.
It has potential, it definitely does, but it's not really... up there, so I'm afraid I won't follow it.
There are a few reasons for this, and one of them is one that has been mentioned before. It's simply that it happens a bit too fast, secondly is Twilight's naivity. I do imagine her as being a forgiving character, but here she's practically saying "Go ahead, Chrysalis, murder me in my sleep." She's acting as if Chrysalis is just another Trixie, someone who was a bit of an ass but nothing worse when, in this case, Chrysalis tried to enslave ponykind, impersonated her sister-in-law, brain washed her brother and might very well have been the cause of several hundred ponies' deaths. At best, she would likely tell Chrysalis where she could find a place to sleep after hearing her explanation, but constantly be on guard with a binding or shielding spell at the ready.
Thirdly is Chrysalis. We know that she did what she did because of her changelings being short on food, but here you're picturing her as a... Well, she's not quite the Chrysalis with malicious intent that we know. You've written her as being quite a bit softer than she should be. Now, don't get me wrong; it's perfectly fine for her to be kinder towards her own kind, and sister, but she's still far too familiar with Twilight, and throwing in a "brat" here and there when addressing her won't make up for that. You need to show us more about how she's still the prideful and arrogant Chrysalis that we saw in a Canterlot Wedding. If anything, she probably wouldn't accept Twilight's offer (not that she would realistically give said offer to Chrysalis), unless she was forced because she was bound by magical chains or otherwise trapped. Null Magic Ring on her horn, perhaps?
At any rate, you have a story here with quite a bit of potential, but your characterization and pace is off and needs a bit of work. I won't keep track of it, but you still have a 'Good luck' from me.
THIS! seams like it will be an intersting story! I hope to read more of it soon!
4575216 YES!!! YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AND YOU WENT INTO DETAIL!! THANK YOU!!!
And I am being very serious about this. Thank you for your criticism. I love people who tell me WTF is wrong with the story so I can fix it.
So, you want people to critisize your work? Well, I am the king of that! I usually go into detail about what I like and dislike about stories, but I haven't gotten the chance to write my thoughts yet. Prepare yourself for a long-ass comment, my friend.
~ Michael A.
4575216
In my defense, no ponies were killed.
Easy, cuz I own this universe and I can change whatever da faq I want.
And don't take this the wrong way, I see where agree and see where you're getting at with the whole thing but I don't believe that the Changelings would kill their food supplier. Now moving on.
Twilight, here, is taking advantage of an opportunity. At the current moment, Chrysalis is another Trixie.
She has no power, her people to near extinction and she is desperate for help. She is nothing more than an annoying brat. I could've had Twilight turn her away but with the time length since they last met, I believe Twilight might have just released that need to punch Chrysalis in the face and instead is just angry at her. She sees what Chrysalis has turned herself into and also with that time spam she takes the lessons she learned with her friends more to heart.
Now there is only one thing that I don't like about your criticism. It's early. This story is just getting off the ground, like barely a foot of the ground and there's already a criticism. I would wait till 5 pages in to do a criticism but then again, you're not me. You're you. So I believe I'm done.
Oh, and sorry for making this little counter post. I'm currently bored and you gave me something to do so I took it. Please don't take it the wrong way.
4575360 Hold on, to early to start a criticism bro. Wait a bit.
4575369
How do you know? They never went into depth about what Changelings do, and it's likely that ponies did get killed by the Changelings. If you want to make it your own universe, then put on an AU tag.
How does she know that Chrysalis is powerless? How does she know that Chrysalis' people is near extinction? And don't tell me "because Chrysalis said so." No sane person would believe the word of someone who invaded their country just because they say it is so.
Twilight has no reason to believe that Chrysalis actually needs help, or even wants it. She's in full rights to believe that this is just another "Canterlot Wedding", and actually stick with that belief instead of just go "Oh, Chrysalis said she doesn't want to invade so that must be why."
I stand with everything I said in my earlier comment, including the fact that this story has potential, but with the attitude that you simply brush aside everything I say? Then you're wasting that potential.
4575372
Don't. Just don't. It's never too early for criticism. The problems we point out are here now, not in one chapter, or two, or even five; they're present in what you have already written. If you don't learn from the mistakes you've made in this chapter, then you'll make the same mistakes in the next five, and then when people start pointing out those mistakes/errors again then you'll have a lot more to fix. Catch your mistakes early, fix them and grow as a writer from that.
4575420 Alright man. I see where your getting at. Unlike most people, I see where you're getting at. I applaud you my good sir. Now have a heart attack.
th00.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2013/270/2/e/_mlp__cute_fluttershy_and_butterflies__by_twistedmindpony-d6m0wwk.jpg
4575360 So in regards as to what he said at the bottom. 575420 Go ahead and kick this story's ass.
4575420 And again, I am sorry for writing that stupid counter post. As I said I am very bored at the current moment and you just gave me something to do.
Also adding the fact that he hasn't has his coffee doesn't help.
Yeah, he's a real meany when he doesn't have his coffee.
Then why am I your profile picture?
...........I hate you two.
Fuck. Fine, you win.
Okay, I started writing this big-ass comment explaining everything that I found wrong with this story, and I'm just too lazy to finish it. I'm gonna edit what you have and comment what I think needs to be changed along side of all of the changes. Somehow, that is easier.
~ Michael A.
4574781 The popular stories box is super easy to get into though. If you have at least 50 favs before you add a new chapter, and you add the new chapter around 9 PM on a weekday, it has a good chance of getting in the popular box...
~Crystalline Electrostatic~
4576469 I uploaded on Thursday tho. In the morning where I live.
4575420 4573863 4573937 4575216 4575977
I just wanted to say, thank you to you guys. Why? This will explain for you. ---------> ssenemosewa fo knil
That says 'Link of Awesomeness' backwards.
4577849
My story, my rules now.
He used a name generator for that one.
.......damn you AJ. Damn you.
4578297 I have no clue what that's surpose to mean so I'm just gonna smile and nod.
4578628 Oh! I remember that movie. Good times. Good times.
Critique time: The story has a great basis. However, the execution could be far better. Its far too fast paced in a single chapter to really get me that invested into it. I mean, the base idea is REALLY good. Its just...you lack detail, you need to drag it out and invest emotion into it. THAT'S how you make a good story.
You need to make the characters believable, they need to feel like they have real emotion. You need to describe actions a bit more clearly too as well as appearances, even though we know what they look like.
Also, one of my tactics is, until a character introduces themselves; either to the audience through a thought or vocally to another character, I do not give their names. I describe their details and so forth. But I'm not overly detailed. I SHOW I don't tell.
That's how you tell a story. You express emotion, you let the audience feel like they're really watching it happen, you paint a vivid picture of what's going on and you make sure the readers are invested emotionally.
4581354 Funny thing at that, before you came, people complained about the pacing too, so I changed the last part of chapter 1 to match what I really wanted to do. Then you came and complain about the pacing again and I be like
But then, I remembered a quote.
So yeah. That's that. And if you wanna talk rushed, you should have read the original. Like in the beginning chapters, Chrysalis and Twi was already in bed! Yeah.
But anyway, thank's for taking a shit on my story. Now I'm off to write chapter 2!
4581868 I try to give an honest critique of the story, and this is how you treat me?
I'm trying to actually HELP the story out here and improve it. Did you know I can take just a single scene idea and stretch it out into a 3,000+ word chapter with some rather tasty details?
Your chapter one could easily be twice or maybe even three times as long if you put more descriptions and details into it.
The prologue could probably even top 2,000 words too.
But if you can't take even a single HONEST critique. A single HONEST Critique that is simply meant to help you and the story improve a bit. Then that is your problem.
4583056 ........ Yeesh. I meant shitting in a good way. I liked your critic comment for Celestia's sakes. If you saw the state the original was in before I adopted it, you would not only take a BAD shit on it, but then proceed to call the cops on it because it was so rushed.
But I digress. I'm sorry that you took the response to your critique the wrong way. Shitting is a very poor choice of words but when you played nothing but Payday 2 for the last two weeks, cursing tends to become a thing. So I am dearly sorry my good sir. To calm us both down, I suggest a relaxing thread of nothing but cute pictures.
----------> Thread of Cuteness <----------
Oh and this.
Very ego stroking. And don't say 'because it's true' cause
I don't care much for ego strokers at all but I'm going to let this one slide as we are both in the wrong here with the current predicament. Me mostly. Now excuse me as I will now go look at pictures that'll most likely give me a heart attack.
I like, a lot. Good chapter.
~ Michael A.
Bought PAYDAY 2 two days ago, it consumes your life.
4598143 simple and striaght to the point.
4598314 Damn straight
4598420 Probably because I publish then un-publish then re-published it.
I like it.
4601020 Same comment as before.......... sure why not?
4603580 Exactly! It's so simple, and means so many different things.
It's the best compliment.
(i like it)
Nitpicks!
by the time you get this letter it should be 10:31 am sharp.
Is Derpy THAT predictable, or did Twilight put some kind of spell on the letter that could tell when it was opened and put in the time? And, if the latter, why would she?
Inside the bag is six thousand bits, enough to pay a house, some furniture, food (if you can even eat our food that is) to sustain you for two weeks.
pay FOR a house, some furniture, AND food
I sent a letter to the owner and he will get you some furniture for free. He owes me a favor so there should be no resistant.
resistance
Also, if she's getting furniture for free, then why is she getting bits to buy furniture with? Is the "calling in favors" part actually important to the story at all?
PSS
PPS (PS means "postscript", so further additions are "post-postscripts" and so on.)
You are a means to an ends.
end
she didn’t really used the money she earned
use
weird.,
bad period
hate to say it.,
again
said ‘No.”.
Mismatched quotation marks, double period
There are no tactical advantage here at all besides having something ugly to look at.
"are" should be "is"
brown, Unicorn, stallion
setting "unicorn" (why capitalize it?) off with commas seems pretty unnecessary to me.