Chapter 2
Chrysalis shut her eyes as tight as she could, trying to block the light. Turn it down Princess., she thought. There are some beings that are still sleeping. She turned away from from the window. That’s better. Then there was a knock at the door. Chrysalis groaned before yelling out, “Five more minutes!”.
Chrysalis covered her ears with her pillow as the knocking continued. She finally gave up, as she walked up towards the door. She opened the door to meet a grey Pegasus mare, with a yellow mane with the craziest eyes Chrysalis has ever seen. The Pegasus was in a blue mail carrier outfit with a bag strapped around her. She dug into her bag and pulled out a letter, a pretty big bag and a red purse with a strap.
“Delivery for you.” the mare cheerfully said. She gave Chrysalis the items and then flew off, but not before accidently hitting a wall in front of her due to going too fast. Chrysalis shook her head as she took the items the mare delivered, put them desk and opened the letter.
Chrysalis read out loud, “Dear Radiant Love(Chrysalis), by the time you get this letter it should be 10:31 am sharp. Inside the bag is six thousand bits, enough to pay a house, some furniture, food (if you can even eat our food that is) to sustain you for two weeks. I sent the mayor a letter about you and she is ready to speak to you about housing options. Go to her ASAP. Town Hall is the tallest building in Ponyville so you shouldn’t miss it. Nearby is a furniture store, go there next. I sent a letter to the owner and he will get you some furniture for free. He owes me a favor so there should be no resistant. However, he may still charge you on delivery Afterwards I’ll give you five days including today to settle into Ponyville. On Saturday, 03:02 pm sharp, meet me the restaurant near my tree to discuss job options. From, Twilight Sparkle. PS, found the purse a week ago while cleaning the library. Put it to good use. PSS Just because I'm helping you doesn't mean I like you. You are a means to an end. Nothing more, nothing less.”
The queen chuckled. Just as you are to me, Sparkler. She looked over at the bag on the desk, grabbed it and poured all the bits out of it. Chrysalis then started counting the bits to make sure it was all there. Thirty minutes later, Chrysalis counted all six thousand bits. She is definitely living up to her word. But how did she get this kind of money. Either she’s been saving up because she didn’t really use the money she earned, or she asked the Princesses for the bits which would mean I might be revealed. Better be on guard. Chrysalis thought. She had to be on the lookout for guards in case she was revealed by the brat.
Chrysalis took the purse and put it around her neck, then proceeded to put the letter and the bits inside the purse. She then grabbed the key and walked into the hallway. She turned the corner to see that the stupid ass stallion was still there. She went up to the front desk, slammed the key on the desk which in turn surprised the stallion again and then walked out the front door.
The Changeling walked through the streets of Ponyville, looking at the buildings, and ponies around her. This is weird, she thought. All these ponies smiling and being so nice to each other. Chrysalis sighed. At least I’m getting a decent breakfast out of these good emotions. She continued walking until she found a very tall, cylinder like building. That must be the Town Hall. She entered the building and found a cyan Earth pony mare, with vanilla colored mane and an orange flower attached to her right ear, sitting behind the desk. And she’s reading a gossip magazine. Excellent. More idiots hooked onto their reading material.
Chrysalis walked towards the mare, and rang the bell on the desk nearby. Surprisingly with an almost instantaneous response time, the mare closed up her magazine, looked at the changeling straight in the eye and said, “Welcome to Ponyville Town Hall, ma’am. How may I help you today.” Impressive. Chrysalis thought. Almost as fast my personal guard’s response time. Almost.
“Ma’am? Was there anything I may help you with?” the mare repeated. Chrysalis glared at the mare. And three times more the hard ass I see.
“Yes,” Chrysalis started, “I wish to purchase a house here in Ponyville and I was told by an acquaintance that there were a few available?”
“And who was this acquaintance?” the mare question. Keep it up, you’ll leave in a bag and into a hole in the ground.
“Twilight Sparkle.” The queen answered confidently.
“Uh huh.” the mare rummaged through the her papers, “And you wouldn’t happen to be Radiant Love, would you?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Excellent. We’ve been expecting you ma’am. Now unfortunately, the mayor is not available at the current moment. But I was told that you could take a look at the houses before hoof. Would you like to?” Chrysalis nodded her head.
“Alrighty then. Well there are three houses available. Here.” the mare grabbed a grabbed a map and gave it to Chrysalis, “This map shows you where the houses up for sale are located.”
“Thank you.” The changeling said, As much as I hate to say it, and headed for the doors.
“You’re welcome ma’am.” The mare waved Chrysalis good-bye. After she left, the mare opened her magazine to the page she was reading.
Then I take a left I should be here. She looked up from her map and saw a narrow looking house in front of her. Immediately she started taking tactical advantages and disadvantages of living there. Pros, close to the ponies so I’m able to get a free breakfast, and close to the stores so I can buy what I need easily. Cons, closer to the ponies means more risk of getting caught, no easy escape routes if the guards find me here. Too much noise here as well. This place is perfect for someone normal. A war criminal, not so much. Chrysalis looked pulled her map up and took at a look at the next closest house. On the outskirts of town. This should be interesting. She decided to fly over there as she was getting tired of walking around.
Chrysalis took one look at the house and instantly said 'No'. She was at the house on the outskirts of town. There is no tactical advantage here at all besides having something ugly to look at. She looked towards her right to see a beautiful field in the horizon. I’m going to the next house.The queen pulled up her map and spotted the next house that appeared to be near the Everfree Forest. Now THIS one, this one will be fun. Then she took to the air.
The Changeling queen rarely thought things a pony would think beautiful, beautiful. But she had to admit that the placement of the house, wasn’t that bad. There were meadows of flowers everywhere the eye could see, and behind the house was the ‘dangerous’ Everfree Forest in the distance. Away from the ponies, guards will think twice about coming here and an easy escape into the forest. Only disadvantage is the distance from town and the lack of good emotions which means I’ll have to stock up in food to eat. She looked around one more time before deciding, This is the one. She then started flying her way back into town.
It was around 2:34 by the time Chrysalis landed in front of Town Hall and entered the building. The blue mare was still sitting behind the desk, this time looking through some papers. Chrysalis only managed six steps towards the mare before she looked up, saw Chrysalis, and waved her over. I want her to be one of my guards. Chrysalis waked on over.
As soon as she got close enough to hear, the mare said, “Have you found a house that suits your needs?” The Changeling simply nodded her head.
“Good. I shall call the mayor down now. Please wait here.” The mare then got up and went upstairs. The mare came back a few moments later with a brown Earth Pony mare, with a grey mane, wearing a pair of glasses, along with her. The first mare walked back behind the desk while the second greeted Chrysalis.
“Good evening Miss.Love. I am Mayor Mare. I understand you wish to buy a house here?” The mayor asked. Chrysalis nodded. Gee whiz, Bat-Mare. How did you know?
“Splendid. Which one would you like to buy?”
Chrysalis replied, “The one near the Everfree.” As soon as she said that, the mayor looked liked she saw a ghost for a moment before going back to normal.
“Um….are you absolutely certain that you want to live there?”
“Yes. Now how many bits we talking about here?” Mayor Mare shook her head a little before looking back at Chrysalis.
“Well, alright then. For that house, we need you to pay one thousand, two hundred bits.”
Chrysalis eyes lowered. “What’s the catch?”
“Catch?” The queen rolled her eyes.
“Yes, the catch. Houses are never that cheap unless it is in low demand. Now is it in low demand or is there a catch here?”
“Ah, I see. I have you know that that residential buildings aren’t in high demand around Ponyville.”
“Good.” Chrysalis took out her bag of bits and counted out one thousand, two hundred bits quickly, then put the bag back in her purse.
“There you go.” Chrysalis made a mental note of how many bits she currently has. I am now down to four thousand, eight hundred bits.
The mayor smiled. “Thank you for deciding to live in Ponyville. I hope you enjoy living here.” With that, Chrysalis turned around and exited the building.
There was a ding as Chrysalis entered and looked around the furniture store, Twilight mentioned. It was a particularly small store considering that it was a furniture store. Simple forest green walls and wood paneled floors along with coaches, beds, table tops, dressers, closets, bookshelves, coffee tables, dining table and more decorated the store. At the other end of the store was a brown Unicorn stallion with no mane, sitting behind the counter.
Chrysalis approached the stallion as he greeted her, "Welcome to the 'Furniture Works', where every item here is made by my expert works only. Well, the wood stuff anyway. Anything soft would be made by my sister, Soft Weave. I'm the owner, Wood Fixer. Now, what do I owe the pleasure?"
"I am a friend of Twilight Sparkle." Chrysalis replied.
"Ah, you must be Radiant Love. Twilight saved me from a bunch of Timber Wolves last month while I was gathering wood, so anything she needs, I got her back."
"I assume you got her letter then?"
"Absolutely." The stallion's horn lit up as a notepad and came from under the counter, "Now here's how this is gonna work. First you tell me things I can make first, then tell me things my sister can make for you, alright?" Chrysalis nodded her head.
"Excellent. Now, tell me what you need?"
"From you, I need a king size bed, two bedside tables, a dresser, a coffee table, a bookshelf, dining table, two table tops and four to eight chairs for the dining table. From your sister I need, two sofas, a hard king sized mattress, and two rugs." Fixer finished up writing on the notepad and gave a nice whistle.
"Now I'm glad we make a bunch of furniture before hoof. When and where would you like these delivered?"
"The house near the Everfree Forest, between 10:00 pm and 12:00 am."
"Alright. Now, not to sound greedy but if you want us to deliver that late and distance, I'm going to need one hundred, fifty bits." Chrysalis groaned as she took out her bit bag and counted out the amount of bits required. After she, was done she put the bit bag back in her purse while the Fixer smiled.
"Thank you, anything else you need?"
"Yeah, I need you to go fuck yourself." She replied in a deadpan voice.
Fixer laughed before saying, "I'll be sure to do that ma'am. You have a nice day now." Happy thoughts Chrysalis. You kill this idiot and your sister will die. Restrain yourself., Chrysy thought as she exited the shop.
Chrysalis got up from the floor as there was a knock on the door. About time they got here. I thought I was going to have to sleep on the floor tonight. There was a flash of green once again and out came Radiant Love out of it. She went towards the door and opened it. There once again was Wood Fixer. He was pulling a wagon full of the stuff she ordered.
"Thank you for getting these here. I don't want to sleep on the floor tonight." The agony of being nice. Why the agony?
"No problem. Let me get these inside for you." Fixer replied. Moments later the rugs were surrounded by Fixer's magic and were levitated inside.
An hour of positioning furniture later, everything was in place. Fixer had left and Chrysalis now had a home fit for a war criminal in hiding. She let out a loud yawn as she walked towards her newly established bedroom and plopped herself on the bed. She had a busy week ahead of her and she was going to get the sleep needed.
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I like, a lot. Good chapter.
~ Michael A.
Bought PAYDAY 2 two days ago, it consumes your life.
4598143 simple and striaght to the point.
4598314 Damn straight
4598420 Probably because I publish then un-publish then re-published it.
I like it.
4601020 Same comment as before.......... sure why not?
4603580 Exactly! It's so simple, and means so many different things.
It's the best compliment.
(i like it)
Nitpicks!
by the time you get this letter it should be 10:31 am sharp.
Is Derpy THAT predictable, or did Twilight put some kind of spell on the letter that could tell when it was opened and put in the time? And, if the latter, why would she?
Inside the bag is six thousand bits, enough to pay a house, some furniture, food (if you can even eat our food that is) to sustain you for two weeks.
pay FOR a house, some furniture, AND food
I sent a letter to the owner and he will get you some furniture for free. He owes me a favor so there should be no resistant.
resistance
Also, if she's getting furniture for free, then why is she getting bits to buy furniture with? Is the "calling in favors" part actually important to the story at all?
PSS
PPS (PS means "postscript", so further additions are "post-postscripts" and so on.)
You are a means to an ends.
end
she didn’t really used the money she earned
use
weird.,
bad period
hate to say it.,
again
said ‘No.”.
Mismatched quotation marks, double period
There are no tactical advantage here at all besides having something ugly to look at.
"are" should be "is"
brown, Unicorn, stallion
setting "unicorn" (why capitalize it?) off with commas seems pretty unnecessary to me.
4606513 My answer to all of that is............
Twilight being Twilight. Oh and that I wrote that on an Ipad.
4606513 And all grammer and spelling is now fixed except Unicorn cause it's the name of a race and I've kinda been doing the capitlize thing with Changelings, Pegasus, and Earth pony as well so.......yeah. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Oh and hint for future fixes, use this button below.
th00.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2014/178/7/a/untitled_1_by_watermane2000-d7o5jki.png
That button will make things easier for you as it will do
using the italics.
Also copy and paste the whole sentence so I can find it easier to fix it.
Thank you.
4606740 Complete sentences, no italics, Ponies Get Capitalized, check.
4607727 Good my good sir. Very good.
d24w6bsrhbeh9d.cloudfront.net/photo/4010811_700b.jpg
4609269 Ummmmmm what?
I have no clue on what that's suppose to mean.
4609358 don't worry too much, being Borg means our thoughts are not always easy to relate. I try, but it is difficult sometimes. Also it is too cumbersome to format our thoughts properly on mobile, so if it's incomprehensible to you that's ok.
4624076 (reads comment)......
well, at least I tried. I'm just gonna drown myself with Skyrim now.
4625097 Sorry if it was harsh, but that's the truth. And - from what I saw - there were quite some people also speaking about the same things I spoke about.
I can't really compare this story with the original one (a pity, I could never understand authors deleting their fics...), so I won't get into detail. But while in the previous story we had few things happening per chapter. True, that might've feel rushed, but everything was perfectly described with the perfect pacing (things were happening fast one after another, but them themselves weren't happening fast), in your story we have a load of things happening in similar time period, therefore they are happenning fast one after another and they themselves are happening fast.
Split it in more chapters, be more descriptive (instead of "Twilight went home" write "Twilight slowly made her way towards Golden Oak Library, sun slowly setting behind her") and - for Celestia's sake! - write your characters in-character. Chrysalis should be proud, boastful, almost majestic, referring to everypony as to a lowly beings, mere bugs. And - no - throwing "brat" in every sentence won't do the trick. Twilight should be organized and stoic, she should remain calm and try to find out what's going on. And kind, no "You can sleep here. HA! Kidding! GET OUT OF HERE!" and stuff.
If you want a refference how Twilight should coexist with a former villain in a romance story, check out some Twixie or Sunlight fics. Trixi and Sunset Shimmer are pretty similar to Crysalis, so it should give you a foothold.
I won't keep this story on my "favourites" list to check on updates, but I'll keep it in "read later" and check the progress each time I check the next stories to read.
Damn dude. You got burned.
I suggest you slash and burn whatever plot you have in store at the moment and take a good long look at the aftermath.
Are you absolutely sure you want to go through with it? Be mindful of what you write and consult with your editors before posting.
Preferably twice.
Aside from the haters (Because, "Haters gonna Hate"), I am actually curious as to where this story is going. Don't hate the author because he decides to take the story in either a different direction or changes the pace or adds things. This is the whole point of fanfiction or in this case, "fimfiction". To let our creativity flow and our imaginations run wild. So what, if you don't agree with what he's doing, but let him write what he wants. Because you can't please everybody but at the end of the day, so long as you are proud or happy about what you wrote then that is all that matters. So please update. I really am curious as to where this is going. This is the sixth time in three weeks I've looked to see if you've updated this story.
Okay, when town hall is selling three houses and you tell them you want "the one near the Everfree" then they know which one because there's only three options and the other two aren't near the forest. In this case, however, the furniture guy isn't dealing with a limited set. He could be delivering anywhere in town. Is there really only one house near the Everfree in the whole town? Probably not, Fluttershy lives near there, for one. What I'm saying in a long-winded manner is this line feels weird without an address or more detailed directions.
4624076
Do you have the original?
had potential just blew it in the end. the sudden shifts in emotion is too odd.
4624076
I can't remember why and it's been awhile. I do have the orginal chapters, since I wrote them on my iPad, and have already begun a Redux to make up for deleting it god knows how long ago.
Link Here
5852415 And I'm late to the party, somehow didn't get notified about you mentioning me in a comment...
Regardless, could I maybe ask you for the original chapters, if you still have them? I still can't get over the fact that I don't have access to that story, and I would very much like to have it safe on my HDD.
Adding the Redux version to my list of fics to read, of course. I really hope it goes well, the original version was amazing, and Redux can only be better, right?