The black&red Alicorn with a tragic past stays confident despite the odds stacked against him. He is protective and liked by his peers. Even in the worst possible situation, he stays in control. Or does he?
*This story serves as a reminder to the fandom that the judgment of fics shouldn’t be based on superficial aspects such as cover art or the presence of a certain character. Stories should, instead, be judged on their quality. Read first, judge after.
[You may also enjoy the Youtube reading and mp3 download that are available for this story.
This story was approved by:
Goodfic Bin
Olympus
Here's what the readers are saying about it:
10/10 ~ Flora Blossom
Wow, this was intense! I like it! ~ Mr Swanky Hat
This is interesting, very interesting ~ Drayco Meowfoy
Good plot, solid writing ~ monokeras
Hmm... I have to admit, with the premise and all the obligatory "black & red alicorn OC" elements thrown in, this was pretty impressive. ~ Dark Avenger
Bad has been far more ambitious here than by just making fun of a stupid trope: by taking it seriously, he's made a story that stands out a lot more than just senseless jokes. ~ HapHazred
Had no clue what I was reading first but then I get to the ending it all came together. ~ Dapper Guy
Really good. Shows how some people can be so brainwashed as to genuinely believe that slavery and tyranny is good, productive, order, and freedom is laziness and selfishness. ~ Europa
This story plunged me into the abyss of depression and made my insides turned outside. ~ Hungryman
Comment section minigames for the story I Ain’t Your Sacrifice (anypony can play them in the comment section of this story)
GAME 1
Does this story remind you of a song that you know? If yes, post it in the comments in the following format:
- A link or embedded youtube video of it.
- Percentage of correlation (0% being an unrelated song, 100% being a song written exactly for this story).
- Reason why this song reminded you of this story or the excerpt of the lyrics that is similar to a scene in the fic.
Music for reading:
Within Temptation- Gatekeeper — Correlation: 85% (Lyrics)
One by one they died. — A massacre that took all night — They had no chance, it was no fight — You can't kill what has been killed before
Sirenia - The seventh summer — Correlation: 75% (Lyrics)
The vapour in my mind makes it hard to find — The things in life that I lost back in time — And the trail of my heart has turned all roads so dark — So hard to find, so hard to overcome
And the vapour in my heart makes it hard to love — The things in life that I used to love — And the trail of my soul, has made me feel so cold — So lost in life, so down and so alone
Lahannya - Not Innocent — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
When you look into my eyes — Don't you recognise — A fallen angel full of demon's pride — Born of despair and decay — Justice ravaged by pain
Madness Of The Night - Oppression — Correlation 70%
I'm not scared anymore — I'm not afraid anymore
Within Temptation - Frozen — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
Everything will slip away — Shattered pieces will remain — When memories fade into emptiness — Only time will tell its tale — If it all has been in vain
Bloodbound - Screams in the Night — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
Nighttime falls reflection in his knife — Screams in the night as the last ray of light —Fade away they will never return
Elysion - Killing My Dreams — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
We are all being used — Our lives have been abused — Still no one resists — I guess — There's nothing to lose — I am no longer confused
Within Temptation - Stand My Ground — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
I just know there's no escape — Now once it sets its eyes on you — But I won't run, — Have to stare it in the eye
All I know for sure is I'm trying — I will always stand my ground
Within Temptation - The Hand of Sorrow — Correlation: 60% (Lyrics)
The choice he'd made he could not comprehend — His blood a grim secret they had to command
So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed —Was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind?
The Dreamside - Mirror Moon — Correlation: 60% (Lyrics)
Save me — I have made my sacrifice — The pain inside is killing me — You have to hold me, hold me
Xandria Ravenheart — Correlation: 60% (Lyrics)
Come and come to me, Ravenheart — Messenger of evil
Disturbed - I'm Alive — Correlation: 60% (Lyrics)
To change myself, I'd rather die — Though they will not understand — I will make the greatest sacrifice — You can't predict where the outcome lies
My art, my redemption, my only salvation — I carry the gift that I have been blessed with — My soul is adrift in oceans of madness — Repairing the rift that you have created
Jack Off Jill - Fear Of Dying — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
I'm not afraid of screaming — and I'm not afraid of crying — I'm just afraid of forgetting — And I am afraid of dying
Black Sabbath - The Law Maker — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
The prince of darkness inside you will dwell — Oh your weakness your past — The lawmaker comes
Winterborn - The Cruxshadows — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
And in the fury of this darkest hour — We will be your light — You've asked me for my sacrifice
The Crüxshadows - Deception — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
And she says: — Pray for daylight, — Pray for morning, — Pray for an end to our deception
The Birthday Massacre - To Die For — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
You're something to die for — But don't hold your breath now — You're just killing time
Poets of the Fall - Locking Up the Sun — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
Is there a hero somewhere, someone who will never walk away — Who doesn't turn a blind eye to a crime
And in the emptiness, there's a solution, — just look within yourself for absolution
Blind Guardian - Bright Eyes — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
Isolation bears hope—There's something else waiting—A promised destiny
Krypteria - My Fatal Kiss — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
You've got to tell me if you're ready for a sacrifice, a little death, a little kill, a little murder — And if you do it good I promise I'll be extra nice — Can you handle this?
Masterplan Watching the World
— Correlation: 45% (Lyrics)
There is no light inside this paradise — Do you believe all you must sacrifice
Xandria - Casablanca — Correlation:45% (Lyrics)
At the temple of black gods I failed again - For you
Resurrect from the ban they put on you - Fall again - you will - what they foreknew
Within Temptation - The Howling — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
We've been seeing what you wanted, got us cornered right now — Fallen asleep from our vanity, might cost us our lives — I hear they're getting closer — Their howls are sending chills down my spine — And time is running out now
Xandria - Ravenheart — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
I take a bow to destiny — Now I have really learnt my part
Magnum - Kingdom of Madness — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
Oh, kingdom of madness you've got me undone — Oh, kingdom of madness you've really begun
WASP - No Way Out Of Here — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
I'll fade forever black away — I'll give all my tomorrows for just one good today — I'm numb to feel, don't know what's real
A Perfect Circle - Annihilation — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
Power, power, the law of the land — Those living for death will die by their own hand
Lacuna Coil - Give Me Something More — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
I feel the pressure everywhere — I cannot stand this life in vain
Nightwish - Planet Hell — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
My first cry neverending — All life is to fear for life — You fool, you wanderer
Volture - Night Walker — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
You can't stand and face him, don't even try — There's no way to stop him, his spirit cannot die
Blood flows free, amidst the killing spree — Sharpened edges tear through flesh and bone — Death has won, his grisly work is done
Edguy - Sacrifice — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
I'm swinging back towards the edge — And I drift away - killing sacrifice — Here I go insane — What a price to pay - little sacrifice
There's a part of me that has not been sold — Save me please embrace me hold me — Kiss my bleeding soul
Nightwish - Bless The Child — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
My tale is the most bitter truth—Time pays us but with earth & dust, and a dark, silent grave.
Iron Maiden - Flash of the Blade — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
You'll die as you lived—In a flash of the blade—In a corner forgotten by no-one—You lived for the touch—For the feel of the steel
Nightwish - The Kinslayer — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
Not a hero unless you die. Our species eat the wounded ones—Drunk with the blood of your victims—I do feel your pity-wanting pain
Stratovarius - Eagleheart — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
Fever is burning in his veins — Determined with courage, breaking the chains
Within Temptation - Land of sorrow — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
The choice he'd made he could not comprehend — His blood a grim secret they had to command
Please forgive me for the sorrow, for leaving you in fear — For the dreams we had to silence, that's all they'll ever be
Gary Numan - Here In The Black — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
And all you see is dark and vague — And all you feel is life unmade — And all your hopes just bleed away — And all you are is lost and fades — Here in the black it comes
Within Temptation - Dangerous — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
The reaper is close, I've seen his smile — A matter of time, can't deny — I won't turn around, round, round — This destiny's mine
GAME 2
Does this story remind you of a unique picture that you know? If yes, post it in the comments. You might win this game and your picture gets posted as a cover art for this story.
Winner: 4575729
GAME 3
Record yourself reading this story aloud. Upload your mp3 to MLP: Audiobooks, for instance, and paste the link to your audio or video in the comments.
Reward: A spot in the author’s note of this story.
https://www.google.com/search?site=&tbm=isch&source=hp&biw=&bih=&q=red+and+black+alicorn&btnG=Search+by+image&gws_rd=ssl
What about if it reminds me of a story I've read? Do you want me to post those in the comments too?
I remember proofreading this two-three months ago ;)
4575729 Yes, there are a lot of those out there. I’m not sure If I’d want to post a red and black alicorn made by pony generator as a cover art. I was looking for something more unique, though. I'll add that to the rules of the game 2. Sorry for changing the rules of the game on you.
As for the stories, I know there are
plentytoo many of them that feature Gary Stues.4575730 Indeed. This story has been tweaked upon for some time now.
4575729
You mean The Saga of Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade, Interior Design Alicorn?
4576005
No, no, the other story about a red and black alicorn OC.
4574981 I aint afraid of no ghost just because of the I aint part
4576081 Is this the one you meant?
Outline In Color - "I Ain't Afraid Of No Ghost" ft. Matty Mullins
It does match on quite a few points:
I give it correlation of about 30%. If there would be a tiny bit less screaming in the song, you would have won the game 2.
4576126 So close!
This is interesting, very interesting
4576055 Ah, but Bad Horse actually wrote a GOOD story about a red-and-black Alicorn OC
4580907
And Dragor didn't?
4581384
That's beside the point! The issue was what fic this fic reminded of! The fic itself doesn't count!
Oh gods. This whole clan is just insanely evil
"We don't LIKE to eat foals, but you know, there is a food shortage out there, and we're slaughtering them all anyway. It's not cannibalism, it's recycling!"
Welp. That little guy went down in a blaze of glory. Could he have pulled it off? Maybe, but he clearly had much to learn, and his time ran out long before he managed to learn it
Some remarks and corrections:
> They seemed motivated, I could use that against them.
Comma splice. Should be two sentences, or connected with a semicolon.
> My flank was blank, just like theirs’ were
No need for that apostrophe behind "theirs"; "their" is already a possessive word.
> I was going to get through this no matter what.
Comma before "no matter what".
> why I had it and If I could use it in any way.
Errant capital letter on "if"
> I to will hold on, and break free
I assume that should be "too", not "to"?
> Know, that It’s very precious to me
Errant capital letter on "it's"
4585326 Your comment was my favorite so far (not that it's a contest). You’ve saved many future readers with it. I've fixed all the mistakes you mentioned. Thank you for pointing them out.
This clan used to be part of King Sombra's guard. That's where they learned their 'good' morals.
Flame Blaze Shadow Fire... did, in fact, keep his promise in the end. By serving his part in resurrecting King Sombra, he terminated the need for any more sacrifices. Those foals back in the cell; he saved them all. He wasn’t the hero that he wanted to be, but he was a hero nonetheless (if you ignore the whole raising an evil dictator part).
4585481
That didn't escape me! And neither did the fact that this whole macabre thing played on the fact that there were no foals shown in the Crystal Empire
Well...that backfired.
4585481
Well, as a fellow writer, I know what kind of comments I'd like to get on my stories
4575729 I decided to make you a winner after all. Behold the cover art that you suggested.
Not bad. The protagonist's pompous speech in the cell seems neither appropriate for a child nor consistent with his behavior after leaving it. Sure, he could've been feigning innocence as part of some ploy, but he still sounds more like an anime protagonist than an imprisoned underaged amnesiac. Also, we never do find out why he's an alicorn, but the whole story has a theme of potential cut short, so that works well.
Also, I quite liked the propaganda and devotion of Sombra's elite. Very nice work there.
In all, pretty good work. Thank you for it. Good luck in the contest.
4602125
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw8044-1331809431178.gif
Really good. Shows how some people can be so brainwashed as to genuinely believe that slavery and tyranny is good, productive, order, and freedom is laziness and selfishness. And the alicorn OC's - red and black too - confidence, 'knowing' what's going to happen to him, at having a way out, and then suddenly realizing his special talent is bringing Sombra back to life, and confidence giving way to terror.
Have a like.
4602864
Does being tortured, raped, and almost (emphasis on almost) killed count?
4649551
Then you rpobably won't want to read what I'm working on.
4651634
Nope.
I read it, but I didn't get it? Did the OC want to die? Or was he planning to join and trick them?
4671506
(He did not want to die)
However, you are right. His will for life is only indirectly implied. I'll see what I can do about making it more obvious. Thank you for your feedback.
Too long for Short Stories. I've removed it.
(The more I make this comment, the shorter it gets . . .)
Hmm... I have to admit, with the premise and all the obligatory "black & red alicorn OC" elements thrown in, this was pretty impressive. The conversation with Killjoy is a bit too long and kinda bogs things down, and the twist at the end, while also impressive, is a bit silly. Then again, since the main character is a foal, I think I can let that slide (not to mention that he kept his promise to the others, albeit in a rather depressing way...
)
Overall, it was a good read. I guess you really can make a premise like this work...
Um. How do I say this? This story is good.
4672643 This story plunged me into the abyss of depression and made my insides turned outside. Maybe it's because I really don't like dark or maybe I it was a wrong time... Probably because of that foal-killing stuff. If not that, your story could be almost funny in an ironical kind of way.
But the execution is decent.
4863713 I'm very sorry to hear that my story made you feel bad. I thought that Dark and Tragedy tags would prepare readers for any potential negative lash back.
You can always talk to me if you want to get something off your chest. I can relate, somewhat, with you. I hated tragic stories my entire life. To this day, I still can't read them. Happy endings are my cup of tea. Ironically, tragedy is the only thing that I can write. Nothing else resonates with me.
Hooves up from me!! :D
Wait, why was this tagged as comedy? What was so funny?
4931643 I found it funny. But yeah, maybe you're right.
I've removed the comedy tag. Thanks for the notice.
What a great name. I can't imagine them putting it on the tomb stone.
Number One, Black and Red OC's almost make me skeptical.
And here's why.
This guy has a raised vocabulary, unlike the other foals, can go against all odds (But still fail), and with a sad past. Being taken away from his parents.
At least he DIED.
Number Two, UPVOTE!
Well, I don't have much else to say...
Oh, and a mustache.
5140409 Thanks. I tried to hit as many red flags as I could. I feed on skepticism.
I'll see if anything can be done about his raised vocabulary.
Edit: Fixed.
5160815 Knock yourself out.
5163640 I know, and am looking forward to it. I have a fetish for reviews.
Let me know if you have any questions or need anything from my side.
Had no clue what I was reading first but then I get to the ending it all came together.
Love parody works.
I love you for that text in bold.
But I shall read first
Thank you for adding this story to the group.
5164183 Thank you for your video review of this fic. I loved it.
5194130 All my stories come together in the end like that.
5200290 Changing a cover art on the story takes 5 seconds. It's tragic that cover arts hold that much value in the judgement of stories. As for the unwanted characters, those that are prejudging them are closing their minds from ever being corrected in their opinion. That is why I sacrificed this story to relay this message outward.
5301115 Always a pleasure.
Thank you for uploading your story to The Dark of the Night!
4602562 Red and black alicorn OC parody. It comes with the territory. Although as far as those go (both actual R&BA's and parodies) this was pretty tame.
Story Approved in Species of Equestria: Alicorns
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2015/028/a/f/storyapprovalsoq_png_by_florescentglow-d8fskw7.png
Finished reviewing story for both the Goodfic Bin and Olympus (since I may as well do both).
You get into Olympus with flying colours, but because of some issues I found, I'm not letting this into the Goodfic Bin, unfortunately.
Olympus review is here and the Goodfic Bin review (which goes into a bit more detail regarding some story elements is here.
5680539 Awesome!
Wow, this was intense! I like it!