The Return of the King
“No! Please, I beg you! I’ll do anything, just don’t—”
Silence.
Another filly sacrificed. I lost my count a while ago. My attention was better spent on the prison door. Because I was trapped inside, I had no means to save the foals from the slaughter. There must have been a way out, I just had to find it.
Iron bars were mounted on the walls to form a prison cell. This must have been just one of many carved caverns, as they haven't come here to take anypony, yet they’ve dragged so many foals down the corridor.
The wall was weak near the bolts where iron doors were mounted, but I didn’t have the right tools for the job. It would take me days to break through using just my hooves.
If only I could find something hard to offer me some torque against the wall. I looked back on the sorry bunch of fellow foals.
They were hugging each other in the corner on the far side of the cell. The torchlight was shining inside through the bars. They stayed in the false protection of the flickering shadows, trying to remain unnoticed. Not an easy thing to do when you’re a pony, sparkling in the dimmest of lights.
All ten of us were foals, but unlike me, the nine of them were Earth ponies. Besides their natural shiny coats, they owned nothing. Only I wore a pendant around my neck. In the whole cell, there was nothing I could turn into a tool. I needed to find a different plan to escape.
If I used the same tactic as them, I would probably be sacrificed last. Due to my black coat, I sparkled the least and could lean my back against the wall to hide my red tail and mane. After closing my glowing red eyes, I could blend with the shadows almost perfectly. In the end, however, I would still get sacrificed. Hiding in the cell was not the right solution.
It would be helpful if I could figure out why I had been brought here, but I didn’t have much to go on. I couldn’t remember anything from before. Waking up on the stony floor of the cell was my first memory. I recognised none of the fellow inmates, nor anypony that the guards dragged down the corridor to the slaughter. I wasn’t the only one with a damaged head. Nopony else knew one another or remembered anything from before, either. It was like our minds were wiped clean. I only had a few clues about the time before.
The guards, on the other hoof, seemed to be able to recall events from the past. They were talking about the return of the Crystal Empire and bringing back King Sombra. Speaking in anger about the invading forces from Equestria, they said that only by bringing back the rightful king could they hope to establish their rule from a thousand years ago.
They seemed motivated; I hoped to use that against them. Despite not remembering anything from my past, it was clear that I was more courageous than the whimpering foals that were trapped with me in the cell.
My flank was blank, just like theirs were, but I didn’t let that bring me down. I knew what my purpose was in the situation, even without my cutie mark telling me of my destiny. I was set on finding a way out, no matter what.
Looking at the pendant around my neck, I wondered why I had it and if I could use it in any way. The sides were charred and the middle bent. It didn’t seem sturdy enough to be of any use in breaking out of the cell.
As I opened it, pictures of a red mare and a black stallion caught my attention.
“Is that your mom and dad?” asked a white foal as she stepped closer to me. She pointed her hoof at my opened pendant.
“I don’t know, but I assume that they are.”
“Do you think they’ll come and rescue you?”
“I believe they cared for me, but I don’t think they will come. Judging from my bruises, I think I was dragged away from them by force. If they couldn’t help me then, they probably can’t help me now.”
“There’s no hope for us, is there?” She bowed her head as her ears flattened.
She turned to me for hope and I failed her. I could see that she was about to start crying. If she broke down, the sadness would spread, and the rest of the foals would start whimpering also. I didn’t want to see the whole cell turning into a chamber of moaning again.
They needed something to hold on to. I needed it too, but I couldn’t let them see my despair. Instead, I decided to become a beacon of hope that they could put their trust onto. If we are to save ourselves, it will be through courage, not desperation.
“Hope is the one thing we have on our side. Look.” I closed the pendant and showed it to her. ”This necklace has been through wear and tear, yet it still clings on to me. I too will hold on, and break free, no matter the odds. I won’t let my life go to waste, and this pendant shall serve as a reminder of that.”
“But … There is no way out of here.”
“There’s always a way. I’ll find it!”
“What about the rest of us?”
I heard several hoofsteps echoing in the distance. “Don’t you worry, filly. I’ll make sure that nothing bad happens to you, I promise!”
She looked up to me with her big eyes as I drew my head closer to hers. My gaze captivated her and she stopped shaking.
I bowed my head and let the golden chain slide up my neck and over my head. Swooping it off with a hoof, I held it in front of me and read a part of my engraved name that was still legible. “I, Ravenblood Flame Blaze Shadow Fire Heart Nightshade”—looking over to the group of innocents at the wall, I raised my head—“will save you all!”
Wrapping the necklace around the filly’s neck, I reassuringly smiled at her. “Here, I want you to hold onto my pendant for a little while. Know that it’s very precious to me because it’s the only thing I have from my past. You can be damn sure I’ll want it back!” I winked at her.
She gasped.
I nodded and smiled at her, then turned around, facing the barred door.
“What are you doing?” asked the filly. “The door is locked.”
The sound of hoofsteps rustled my feathers. They drew near. I spotted two guards coming from around the cave’s turn. Unicorn ponies, both wearing black metal armor, approached toward the cell. “I’ll make them open it.”
After swiveling my ears forward, I could hear another set of hoofsteps coming from behind them. I figured there were three ponies altogether.
If I was going to solve this, I first had to break free from the cell. After that, I planned to poke at them for some information that I could use against them.
From behind me, I heard the little filly run to the other foals at the wall. Besides saving myself, I wanted to help out the fellow inmates, too. They surely didn’t deserve any of this. First thing’s first, though.
“Any volunteers?” jested one guard.
They both laughed.
“Just me!” I leaned forehooves on the barred door.
The laughter stopped. That seemed to catch their attention. I grinned.
The guards stepped aside as an unarmored white mare moved between them to the bars.
She too was a Unicorn but very different from anypony I’ve seen. Her coat wasn’t sparkling at all. She must have come down with some really bad disease to lose all the sparkling. She wasn’t acting like she was sick, though.
“You’re actually volunteering?” she asked.
“Yeah, this cell is boring. I want some action.”
She magically floated a key into the lock on the bar doors. “Well, I hope we can provide some for you.”
The guards laughed again.
I knew I would need to gain their trust if I wanted to gather more information on them, and find a way to outsmart them. The only way to do that was to become more than just another victim in their eyes. I took a step back from the bars.
The lock clicked and the door opened.
I jumped through the opening and slid among their legs.
Looking back at them, I saw that their horns were glowing.
Having had seen them drag foals with their magic without any strain, I knew I couldn’t run away from them. They would just levitate me up then haul me the rest of the way down the corridor.
I stopped in my tracks and jumped repeatedly on the spot. “Finally, some room to stretch my legs.”
The glow on their horns dissipated.
Approaching the sick mare, who seemed to be in charge, I asked, “So, which way to the action room?”
The guards raised their eyebrows as they looked at each other.
The mare leaned down to me. “You do know we’re going to kill you, little foal, don’t you?”
Not if I have any say in it! I grinned at her. “I’ve never died before.”
A guard facehoofed.
I continued walking backward toward the direction screams had been coming from when I had been stuck in the cell. “Don’t keep me waiting, guys!”
The mare sighed. “You’ll have to excuse us, little colt. We’ve been up the whole day and night. We’re in desperate need of new members, but we just don’t have time to go through the official recruiting procedure.“
They started to move toward me along the dark corridor. The mare took point. “You may think we’re having fun, but this has been quite strenuous on all of us. Even monsters need rest, you know.”
“I don’t think you’re a monster. There’s always a reason behind everything. I bet you’re just trying to make do.” I picked up my pace to match the mare’s. “What’s your name?”
She glanced at me, then faced forward. “Killjoy.”
“Hey, Killjoy!” I poked the side of her chest with a hoof. ”Wanna race me to the slaughter room?” I stomped my hooves on the ground.
Her horn lit up. She forcefully nodded toward me, and a blast of energy burst forth.
The force smashed me against the wall. Stone edges pinched against my back. Clenching my teeth, I tried to hide my pain from her. I lifted up my head from my chest and looked straight into her eyes.
Half-closing her eyelids, she raised her head and levitated me up toward the ceiling. “Did anypony ever tell you how annoying you are?” she asked, frowning.
I leaned my forehooves behind my back, against the wall. Pushing myself forward, I faced her snout to snout. “You’re the one who knocked on my barred door; now face the consequence that is me!” I grinned at her.
“Ugh!” She dropped me on the ground and started walking down the corridor again.
I jumped on my hooves and skipped sideways by her. “So, how are you gonna do me?”
She stopped and faced me. “Look, you pest! We don’t enjoy this as much as you seem to. We only joke around from time to time to keep us sane. We’d all have snapped by now if we didn’t have some outlet.
“We’re in a very difficult position. If we could bring back our King without any bloodshed we would, but we’ve run out of options. Our empire is about to be invaded. Celestia of Equestria has sent her goons to gain control of our capital. Only our King can save us now, but he’s dead. She killed him a thousand years ago! If we don’t bring him back, she’ll probably banish all of the Crystal ponies to the Moon. She did that even to her own sister when she disagreed with her.”
Her eyes started to tear up. “I won’t let that happen. I’ve served you Crystal ponies all my life, and I’ll protect you by any means necessary, even if it means sacrificing a few of you to save the empire.”
I stood up on my hind legs and put my hoof on her shoulder. “I thought you had a good reason for doing this, but I had no idea it was this important. I wish there was something more I could do for you all.” I looked at her and raised my eyebrows.
“I wish we had more ponies with your kind of spirit.” She bowed her head. “They’re all full of words when it comes to protecting our kingdom, but when we try to test their determination, they curl their tails or even directly oppose us. It’s really hard to get new members for the cause.”
She left a conversational opening for me and I took it. I knew what she wanted to hear. “I want my death to be meaningful. Like giving up my life for the cause or something like that.”
“You really are something, aren't you?” She looked up to me.
“Tell me, what needs to be done?” I removed my hoof from her shoulder and stood on all four legs again.
“The whole kingdom is in disarray. Most ponies lost their memories and are in no condition to protect our kingdom. Especially since the King isn’t around to—motivate them.”
I turned and trotted forward.
She followed me. “Ours is an elite group. Only the bravest of Unicorns capable of leading can become involved in the King’s Guard.”
I slowed down and raised my foreleg. “So, only ponies that have horns, like the one I have?.” I poked my hoof on a bony surface.
“Right...” she muttered.
Putting my foreleg down, I quickened my pace, marching us forward.
“It must feel weird, not being able to recall anything from your past,” she said. “The wards in this lair protected us from losing our memories. It’s funny that I know more about you, then you do.”
I stopped in my tracks. “You know who I am?”
“You are special to a greater extent than you think. Unicorns are superior by default, but you’re even more than that—an Alicorn.”
“An Alicorn? ‘Cause I have these besides my horn?” I spread out my wings and flapped my primaries.
“That and the power potential you hold within you. Ponies tried to keep your existence a secret from us, but nothing could stay hidden from King Sombra. After all, he had well-established methods to help ponies come in touch with their inner honesty.”
“Why would anyone want to hide me?” I slowed down and walked alongside Killjoy.
“King Sombra was reasonable and practical. He tried to establish a kingdom where everypony could be involved in its progress. However, some ponies didn’t want to be a part of something bigger than them. They were lazy and wanted to sate their own desires, disregarding the greater good.
“We tried to motivate them the best we could, but their laziness spread like a disease. Rebel groups formed almost faster than we could annihilate them.
“Out of the blue, things suddenly turned for the better, and ponies didn’t complain so much anymore. It took us a while before we found out the cause behind their raised obedience. You were the cause of it.”
“What did I do?” I asked.
“Nothing. You were just born. The rebel group had used forbidden and detestable white magic to give rise to you. They had bred you in secrecy for one purpose only—to assassinate King Sombra and bring chaos into the kingdom of order.
“It wasn’t just us motivating everypony, anymore. They were encouraged by the last rebel group to stay compliant, and to draw as little attention as possible. All the rest of the terrorist cells were disbanded, with intent to lower our guard until the time you were ready.
“The resistance leaders wanted to play us with their foolish plan. They bet everything on it and convinced the populace to not endanger it in any way. Their empty promises helped us keep the commoners at bay. For the most part, however, it was the false hope that you sparked in the hearts of everypony that turned them docile. Their minds focused more on making up new inspirational names for you than finding ways of abandoning the orderly community. They patiently endured as they waited for their savior—bearer of laziness and selfish content.”
“I had the potential to be all that?”
“Well, no. We were tracking your progress throughout your childhood. The only reason we let you live was the motivation that you inspired in the servant ponies. We had the most productive day when rumor spread through the pony population that you had cast your first spell. Ponies’ hope for the future laziness—freedom, they called it—kept them inspired, despite their daily struggles.”
“Why did you capture me then?”
“Most of our units were outside when the memory erasing spell hit. There just aren’t enough of us left to keep the order in the Crystal Empire and fight off the invading force from Equestria, at the same time.
“With our numbers cut thin, there was a possibility that we’d lose track of you, so we brought you here for safekeeping.
“None of it matters now, though. The King is the only one that can protect us at this point. Without him, below average productivity of the pony population is the least of our concerns. Luckily, we have the means to bring him back.”
“The sacrifices?”
“Yes, they are like beacons in the netherworld. They draw the attention of the spirits. Blank-flank foals with yet unfulfilled life potential have extra potency. Their destinies are not yet bound, and can be deformed for a different purpose.
“However, a mere glimmer of a passing soul in the void is not enough for our plan to come to fruition. We need to end enough lives in succession to create a rip in the very fabric that separates this world from the next one.”
I turned to her. “Then our King can return and protect us?”
“That’s right. I’m glad to hear you support our cause.” She nodded at the big opened door on the side of the corridor.
The two guards stopped in the corridor. They positioned themselves at the sides of the door. Killjoy and I entered the hall alone.
There were more than a hundred torches mounted on the walls. Metal bars covered the floor in the middle of the room. A rectangular stone table rested on top of them with blood-stained restraints leading from the corners. In the back of the room lay a big pile of bodies.
I cringed at the sight, but I couldn’t let it get to me. I had to refrain from showing any weakness.
“I know this all looks scary to you, but it’s just what it takes,” Killjoy said.
I forced my muscles to relax. I had to sink to their level if I was going to beat them at their own game. “I understand.”
The corners of her mouth turned up. “You’ve really impressed me, brave pony, and that’s no easy feat.”
“This is bigger than all of us. We need to work together for the good of the cause.” I nodded at her suggestively.
“I agree with you wholeheartedly. Here, let me introduce you to somepony.”
We walked on the floor of metal bars. I saw a pool of blood through the slits.
“I wish we had more members like you.” Putting her hoof on my shoulder, she looked at the pony by the stone table.
He was dressed in crude brown robes stained with blood. Leaning his head sideways, he glanced at me.
“Death Fondle, meet the new blood that will help us in our crusade,” said Killjoy
He looked at her and she nodded at him in return.
Killjoy turned to me. “Death Fondle is a very good friend of mine. He sacrificed more for the cause than anypony else. Literally.”
“Take a seat, young one.” He pointed to the stone table.
The blood on the stony surface was already hardened, so it wasn’t too gross when I climbed up.
Killjoy waved her hoof at Death Fondle and took a few steps toward the back of the room.
He followed her.
She waved her head in my direction then whispered something in his ear.
“Really? Well, that’s a pleasant surprise.” He smiled. “I trust your judgment completely.” He looked at me. “I’ll do as you ask of me, Killjoy.”
She smiled at me, then walked to the exit. “I’ll see you soon.”
Death Fondle trotted toward me.
I waved my hind legs alternately back and forth off the edge of the table. “What was that about?”
“It was a private conversation!”
“Oh, come on, what did she say?”
“Fine, I’ll tell you. I guess there’s no point in keeping secrets between us anymore. We’re all honest ponies here if nothing else. After the initiation tests, we learn to trust each other with our lives. Being honest comes as second nature when you know that the dark family has accepted you.”
Right there. That was a hint of a future interaction with me. Somepony might have missed this sign, but not me. He had betrayed himself, and there was nothing for me to fear anymore. I have gained their trust, and with that, the first part of my plan was almost complete. It was only a matter of time before they let their guard down. I just needed to play my part for a little bit longer, and then I could put a stop to all the sacrifices for good.
I grinned at the thought of my nearing victory. My sense of perception and determination was what made me different from the other ponies. It defined me as the winner.
“Are you sure you aren’t scared, little foal?” He grabbed the knife from the edge of the table in his teeth and raised his eyebrows as he looked at me.
“I’m not scared. Nothing can scare me!”
I put my forelegs behind me and leaned back on them. My lips drew into a smile as I observed his attempts to scare me. The obvious charade initiation to their ranks was amusing.
He swung his head.
The knife pierced my chest.
My jaw dropped, but no sounds came out of my mouth. The pain spread out from within my girth.
Letting go of the knife embedded in me, he stood up on his hind legs.
I leaned forward, grabbing the knife with my forehooves. It was in me—all the way to the handle. I opened my eyelids wide and stared at Death Fondle.
Leaning on the sacrificial table with one forehoof he drew closer and caressed my head with the other hoof. Looking into my eyes, he spoke softly. “Killjoy invited me to have lunch with her after you die. I think she likes me.”
I bowed my head. My vision blurred.
As my forelegs slid from the knife, a tear fell from my eye onto my hind leg and drifted across my flank.
The coat color on my plot started to change. A shape formed where the tear had fallen. It was an image of a black-coated head with a red horn.
The pool of blood beneath us started to boil.
Death Fondle turned toward the exit and yelled, “Hey, Killjoy, I think we have a winner!”
A black cloud seeped out through the steaming blood. The edge of the smoke morphed into a head. My newly-formed cutie mark matched the face in front of me exactly.
My vision narrowed ever more.
I wasn’t just afraid anymore; I was terrified.
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Comment section minigames for the story I Ain’t Your Sacrifice (anypony can play them in the comment section of this story)
GAME 1
Does this story remind you of a song that you know? If yes, post it in the comments in the following format:
- A link or embedded youtube video of it.
- Percentage of correlation (0% being an unrelated song, 100% being a song written exactly for this story).
- Reason why this song reminded you of this story or the excerpt of the lyrics that is similar to a scene in the fic.
Music for reading:
Within Temptation- Gatekeeper — Correlation: 85% (Lyrics)
One by one they died. — A massacre that took all night — They had no chance, it was no fight — You can't kill what has been killed before
Sirenia - The seventh summer — Correlation: 75% (Lyrics)
The vapour in my mind makes it hard to find — The things in life that I lost back in time — And the trail of my heart has turned all roads so dark — So hard to find, so hard to overcome
And the vapour in my heart makes it hard to love — The things in life that I used to love — And the trail of my soul, has made me feel so cold — So lost in life, so down and so alone
Lahannya - Not Innocent — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
When you look into my eyes — Don't you recognise — A fallen angel full of demon's pride — Born of despair and decay — Justice ravaged by pain
Madness Of The Night - Oppression — Correlation 70%
I'm not scared anymore — I'm not afraid anymore
Within Temptation - Frozen — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
Everything will slip away — Shattered pieces will remain — When memories fade into emptiness — Only time will tell its tale — If it all has been in vain
Bloodbound - Screams in the Night — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
Nighttime falls reflection in his knife — Screams in the night as the last ray of light —Fade away they will never return
Elysion - Killing My Dreams — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
We are all being used — Our lives have been abused — Still no one resists — I guess — There's nothing to lose — I am no longer confused
Within Temptation - Stand My Ground — Correlation: 70% (Lyrics)
I just know there's no escape — Now once it sets its eyes on you — But I won't run, — Have to stare it in the eye
All I know for sure is I'm trying — I will always stand my ground
Within Temptation - The Hand of Sorrow — Correlation: 60% (Lyrics)
The choice he'd made he could not comprehend — His blood a grim secret they had to command
So many dreams were broken and so much was sacrificed —Was it worth the ones we loved and had to leave behind?
The Dreamside - Mirror Moon — Correlation: 60% (Lyrics)
Save me — I have made my sacrifice — The pain inside is killing me — You have to hold me, hold me
Xandria Ravenheart — Correlation: 60% (Lyrics)
Come and come to me, Ravenheart — Messenger of evil
Disturbed - I'm Alive — Correlation: 60% (Lyrics)
To change myself, I'd rather die — Though they will not understand — I will make the greatest sacrifice — You can't predict where the outcome lies
My art, my redemption, my only salvation — I carry the gift that I have been blessed with — My soul is adrift in oceans of madness — Repairing the rift that you have created
Jack Off Jill - Fear Of Dying — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
I'm not afraid of screaming — and I'm not afraid of crying — I'm just afraid of forgetting — And I am afraid of dying
Black Sabbath - The Law Maker — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
The prince of darkness inside you will dwell — Oh your weakness your past — The lawmaker comes
Winterborn - The Cruxshadows — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
And in the fury of this darkest hour — We will be your light — You've asked me for my sacrifice
The Crüxshadows - Deception — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
And she says: — Pray for daylight, — Pray for morning, — Pray for an end to our deception
The Birthday Massacre - To Die For — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
You're something to die for — But don't hold your breath now — You're just killing time
Poets of the Fall - Locking Up the Sun — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
Is there a hero somewhere, someone who will never walk away — Who doesn't turn a blind eye to a crime
And in the emptiness, there's a solution, — just look within yourself for absolution
Blind Guardian - Bright Eyes — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
Isolation bears hope—There's something else waiting—A promised destiny
Krypteria - My Fatal Kiss — Correlation: 50% (Lyrics)
You've got to tell me if you're ready for a sacrifice, a little death, a little kill, a little murder — And if you do it good I promise I'll be extra nice — Can you handle this?
Masterplan Watching the World
— Correlation: 45% (Lyrics)
There is no light inside this paradise — Do you believe all you must sacrifice
Xandria - Casablanca — Correlation:45% (Lyrics)
At the temple of black gods I failed again - For you
Resurrect from the ban they put on you - Fall again - you will - what they foreknew
Within Temptation - The Howling — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
We've been seeing what you wanted, got us cornered right now — Fallen asleep from our vanity, might cost us our lives — I hear they're getting closer — Their howls are sending chills down my spine — And time is running out now
Xandria - Ravenheart — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
I take a bow to destiny — Now I have really learnt my part
Magnum - Kingdom of Madness — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
Oh, kingdom of madness you've got me undone — Oh, kingdom of madness you've really begun
WASP - No Way Out Of Here — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
I'll fade forever black away — I'll give all my tomorrows for just one good today — I'm numb to feel, don't know what's real
A Perfect Circle - Annihilation — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
Power, power, the law of the land — Those living for death will die by their own hand
Lacuna Coil - Give Me Something More — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
I feel the pressure everywhere — I cannot stand this life in vain
Nightwish - Planet Hell — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
My first cry neverending — All life is to fear for life — You fool, you wanderer
Volture - Night Walker — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
You can't stand and face him, don't even try — There's no way to stop him, his spirit cannot die
Blood flows free, amidst the killing spree — Sharpened edges tear through flesh and bone — Death has won, his grisly work is done
Edguy - Sacrifice — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
I'm swinging back towards the edge — And I drift away - killing sacrifice — Here I go insane — What a price to pay - little sacrifice
There's a part of me that has not been sold — Save me please embrace me hold me — Kiss my bleeding soul
Nightwish - Bless The Child — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
My tale is the most bitter truth—Time pays us but with earth & dust, and a dark, silent grave.
Iron Maiden - Flash of the Blade — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
You'll die as you lived—In a flash of the blade—In a corner forgotten by no-one—You lived for the touch—For the feel of the steel
Nightwish - The Kinslayer — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
Not a hero unless you die. Our species eat the wounded ones—Drunk with the blood of your victims—I do feel your pity-wanting pain
Stratovarius - Eagleheart — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
Fever is burning in his veins — Determined with courage, breaking the chains
Within Temptation - Land of sorrow — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
The choice he'd made he could not comprehend — His blood a grim secret they had to command
Please forgive me for the sorrow, for leaving you in fear — For the dreams we had to silence, that's all they'll ever be
Gary Numan - Here In The Black — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
And all you see is dark and vague — And all you feel is life unmade — And all your hopes just bleed away — And all you are is lost and fades — Here in the black it comes
Within Temptation - Dangerous — Correlation: 40% (Lyrics)
The reaper is close, I've seen his smile — A matter of time, can't deny — I won't turn around, round, round — This destiny's mine
GAME 2
Does this story remind you of a unique picture that you know? If yes, post it in the comments. You might win this game and your picture gets posted as a cover art for this story.
Winner: 4575729
GAME 3
Record yourself reading this story aloud. Upload your mp3 to MLP: Audiobooks, for instance, and paste the link to your audio or video in the comments.
Reward: A spot in the author’s note of this story.
https://www.google.com/search?site=&tbm=isch&source=hp&biw=&bih=&q=red+and+black+alicorn&btnG=Search+by+image&gws_rd=ssl
What about if it reminds me of a story I've read? Do you want me to post those in the comments too?
I remember proofreading this two-three months ago ;)
4575729 Yes, there are a lot of those out there. I’m not sure If I’d want to post a red and black alicorn made by pony generator as a cover art. I was looking for something more unique, though. I'll add that to the rules of the game 2. Sorry for changing the rules of the game on you.
As for the stories, I know there are
plentytoo many of them that feature Gary Stues.4575730 Indeed. This story has been tweaked upon for some time now.
4575729
You mean The Saga of Dark Demon King Ravenblood Nightblade, Interior Design Alicorn?
4576005
No, no, the other story about a red and black alicorn OC.
4574981 I aint afraid of no ghost just because of the I aint part
4576081 Is this the one you meant?
Outline In Color - "I Ain't Afraid Of No Ghost" ft. Matty Mullins
It does match on quite a few points:
I give it correlation of about 30%. If there would be a tiny bit less screaming in the song, you would have won the game 2.
4576126 So close!
This is interesting, very interesting
4576055 Ah, but Bad Horse actually wrote a GOOD story about a red-and-black Alicorn OC
4580907
And Dragor didn't?
4581384
That's beside the point! The issue was what fic this fic reminded of! The fic itself doesn't count!
Oh gods. This whole clan is just insanely evil
"We don't LIKE to eat foals, but you know, there is a food shortage out there, and we're slaughtering them all anyway. It's not cannibalism, it's recycling!"
Welp. That little guy went down in a blaze of glory. Could he have pulled it off? Maybe, but he clearly had much to learn, and his time ran out long before he managed to learn it
Some remarks and corrections:
> They seemed motivated, I could use that against them.
Comma splice. Should be two sentences, or connected with a semicolon.
> My flank was blank, just like theirs’ were
No need for that apostrophe behind "theirs"; "their" is already a possessive word.
> I was going to get through this no matter what.
Comma before "no matter what".
> why I had it and If I could use it in any way.
Errant capital letter on "if"
> I to will hold on, and break free
I assume that should be "too", not "to"?
> Know, that It’s very precious to me
Errant capital letter on "it's"
4585326 Your comment was my favorite so far (not that it's a contest). You’ve saved many future readers with it. I've fixed all the mistakes you mentioned. Thank you for pointing them out.
This clan used to be part of King Sombra's guard. That's where they learned their 'good' morals.
Flame Blaze Shadow Fire... did, in fact, keep his promise in the end. By serving his part in resurrecting King Sombra, he terminated the need for any more sacrifices. Those foals back in the cell; he saved them all. He wasn’t the hero that he wanted to be, but he was a hero nonetheless (if you ignore the whole raising an evil dictator part).
4585481
That didn't escape me! And neither did the fact that this whole macabre thing played on the fact that there were no foals shown in the Crystal Empire
Well...that backfired.
4585481
Well, as a fellow writer, I know what kind of comments I'd like to get on my stories
4575729 I decided to make you a winner after all. Behold the cover art that you suggested.
Not bad. The protagonist's pompous speech in the cell seems neither appropriate for a child nor consistent with his behavior after leaving it. Sure, he could've been feigning innocence as part of some ploy, but he still sounds more like an anime protagonist than an imprisoned underaged amnesiac. Also, we never do find out why he's an alicorn, but the whole story has a theme of potential cut short, so that works well.
Also, I quite liked the propaganda and devotion of Sombra's elite. Very nice work there.
In all, pretty good work. Thank you for it. Good luck in the contest.
4602125
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw8044-1331809431178.gif
Really good. Shows how some people can be so brainwashed as to genuinely believe that slavery and tyranny is good, productive, order, and freedom is laziness and selfishness. And the alicorn OC's - red and black too - confidence, 'knowing' what's going to happen to him, at having a way out, and then suddenly realizing his special talent is bringing Sombra back to life, and confidence giving way to terror.
Have a like.
4602864
Does being tortured, raped, and almost (emphasis on almost) killed count?
4649551
Then you rpobably won't want to read what I'm working on.
4651634
Nope.
I read it, but I didn't get it? Did the OC want to die? Or was he planning to join and trick them?
4671506
(He did not want to die)
However, you are right. His will for life is only indirectly implied. I'll see what I can do about making it more obvious. Thank you for your feedback.
Too long for Short Stories. I've removed it.
(The more I make this comment, the shorter it gets . . .)
Hmm... I have to admit, with the premise and all the obligatory "black & red alicorn OC" elements thrown in, this was pretty impressive. The conversation with Killjoy is a bit too long and kinda bogs things down, and the twist at the end, while also impressive, is a bit silly. Then again, since the main character is a foal, I think I can let that slide (not to mention that he kept his promise to the others, albeit in a rather depressing way...
)
Overall, it was a good read. I guess you really can make a premise like this work...
Um. How do I say this? This story is good.
4672643 This story plunged me into the abyss of depression and made my insides turned outside. Maybe it's because I really don't like dark or maybe I it was a wrong time... Probably because of that foal-killing stuff. If not that, your story could be almost funny in an ironical kind of way.
But the execution is decent.
4863713 I'm very sorry to hear that my story made you feel bad. I thought that Dark and Tragedy tags would prepare readers for any potential negative lash back.
You can always talk to me if you want to get something off your chest. I can relate, somewhat, with you. I hated tragic stories my entire life. To this day, I still can't read them. Happy endings are my cup of tea. Ironically, tragedy is the only thing that I can write. Nothing else resonates with me.
Hooves up from me!! :D
Wait, why was this tagged as comedy? What was so funny?
4931643 I found it funny. But yeah, maybe you're right.
I've removed the comedy tag. Thanks for the notice.
What a great name. I can't imagine them putting it on the tomb stone.
Number One, Black and Red OC's almost make me skeptical.
And here's why.
This guy has a raised vocabulary, unlike the other foals, can go against all odds (But still fail), and with a sad past. Being taken away from his parents.
At least he DIED.
Number Two, UPVOTE!
Well, I don't have much else to say...
Oh, and a mustache.
5140409 Thanks. I tried to hit as many red flags as I could. I feed on skepticism.
I'll see if anything can be done about his raised vocabulary.
Edit: Fixed.
5160815 Knock yourself out.
5163640 I know, and am looking forward to it. I have a fetish for reviews.
Let me know if you have any questions or need anything from my side.
Had no clue what I was reading first but then I get to the ending it all came together.
Love parody works.
I love you for that text in bold.
But I shall read first
Thank you for adding this story to the group.
5164183 Thank you for your video review of this fic. I loved it.
5194130 All my stories come together in the end like that.
5200290 Changing a cover art on the story takes 5 seconds. It's tragic that cover arts hold that much value in the judgement of stories. As for the unwanted characters, those that are prejudging them are closing their minds from ever being corrected in their opinion. That is why I sacrificed this story to relay this message outward.
5301115 Always a pleasure.
Thank you for uploading your story to The Dark of the Night!
4602562 Red and black alicorn OC parody. It comes with the territory. Although as far as those go (both actual R&BA's and parodies) this was pretty tame.
Story Approved in Species of Equestria: Alicorns
fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2015/028/a/f/storyapprovalsoq_png_by_florescentglow-d8fskw7.png
Finished reviewing story for both the Goodfic Bin and Olympus (since I may as well do both).
You get into Olympus with flying colours, but because of some issues I found, I'm not letting this into the Goodfic Bin, unfortunately.
Olympus review is here and the Goodfic Bin review (which goes into a bit more detail regarding some story elements is here.
5680539 Awesome!
Wow, this was intense! I like it!