The name's Slate. Straight Slate, detective by trade. It's no easy job, tracking down changelings on the cold city streets, but I'm good at what I do. I've been doing this a long time, ever since the attempted invasion at the royal wedding. But these days... These days, things are different. Something's rotten in the city of Canterlot, and one way or another I intend to get to the bottom of it. Even if it kills me.
Note: Comments are likely to contain spoilers as the story progresses. If you're starting from the beginning, I recommend avoiding them until you've caught up to the chapters in question.
Cover image by: Coin-Trip39
Thanks are due to many people for help and inspirations, both large and small.
Chapters (13)
I am enjoying this so far. I'd like to see how this story further develops.
Oh hell yes, tracking this. I loved the stuffing out of the other PKD crossover I read, I trust you to spin an great story, and this is nailing the style.
This is a damn powerful 11 words.
I can't wait for more, keep up the great work.
This is some damn fine wordsmithery. You always put on a good show, Sharp. I hope this ends up a sleeper hit, because it's fabulous.
6166123
I mean, it would be really great if it was just a regular hit, but apparently just no one is reading it. I mean, it got posted on EqD and that net like, twenty views? I remember back when things got posted there and shot up by five hundred, even a thousand hits.
Anyway, I guess I'll restate that I was disappointed you offed the most likeable character in chapter 1. Things definitely made up for it later, but it sorted dulled my interest for awhile.
Also, being banished into a star is seriously terrifying, and yet I can see it fly no problem in Equestria. Tone is weird sometimes.
Fancy wording
I am super glad to see this finally happening :) I'll have to give it a read soon.
I adore this! But shouldn't this have a crossover tag? Considering that this is basically a fusion between the universes of "Can Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" by Philip K. Dick (I'm really a fan of that particular book BTW.
) and MLP: FIM.
Another example of what you are doing is the short story. "A Study in Emerald" by Neil Gaiman.
Anyway, keep going.
This is perhaps the third noir story ive seen thats gold without glitter. And its freaking rare to see.
Its dark, cold, rainy, my wife is dead and i tried to retire but this life just keeps pulling me back.....im also an alcoholic. - Every noir detective ever.
6167216
That's a good question. Ultimately, and as further chapters make more clear, it's not that related. It takes the very broadest outlines of the premise of Blade Runner / Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? but it isn't really telling that particular story. I found the fic to be enough of a purely thematic crossover that adding the tag would be more misleading than helpful.
6167249
Good point.
So, I ran into this on EqD, and I couldn't help but feel a certain pull toward it, if only because of the genre. After all, I'm a whiskey-drinking, hat-and-coat-wearin', hardboiled detective fanatic, and I'm always eager to see about a new entry into that particular realm of fiction. As I was reading, however, I found myself... well, not disappointed, but nonetheless disenchanted by it, because I see a lot of things that could be done to really bring out the black-tinted feel you're going for, here.
You'll forgive me for doing this out of the blue and at such a great length, as I know critique hasn't been asked for, but again, I do this out of a desire to see this work function at a higher rate of noir-ness. There's an art to this sort of fiction, and--forgive my arrogance--I think I have insights to share on that front. I'm going to be making a lot of comparisons to Phillip Marlowe, as I think he's a good example of the sort of character and narrator you seem to be going for here.
Let's start from the beginning.
Those are the opening sentences of all the Phillip Marlowe novels. Notice all of them begin in a mundane fashion--most begin with the article "the," and provide some pretty basic details about some random thing--but nonetheless they all draw the reader in by their immediacy. There's a sense that things are already in motion, and that's because they are. Any detective is going to be working ex post facto and the very prose reflects this.
Now, in an entirely unfair comparison, let's look at the first sentence of this fic:
It tells us something, but it's something that we already know. It doesn't convey a sense of urgency, nor does it impart any insight as to where the story is going. Simply put, this is not a strong hook, nor is it really in keeping with the hardboiled tradition. The following sentences don't do a whole lot to set things up, either, other than by saying "there's a dark side to Canterlot you don't know about." That doesn't set a really compelling tone, nor does it really explain how the bright burg we see in the show can have such a seedy underbelly. There's a lot of intrigue to set up here, and it doesn't accomplish that, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid a lot of the prose is much the same. I noticed many instances where Slate breaks the flow of the narrative to inform the reader of certain things, when the same amount of information could be conveyed more effectively through dialogue. We don't need to know that Rising Star has been with the Department for six months, or that he's made some questionable arrests. A few smart-ass remarks from Slate would sell that notion just as well. Further, there's a lot of "you's" thrown about, with the opening line being a such an example. With only a couple of exceptions, Marlowe never uses the word "you" to address the reader, directly or indirectly, and this is because Marlowe, the character, is far enough removed from the experience to talk about it in a detached fashion. He describes things as they are, without flat-out telling the reader "this is the way things are;" his words and actions speak for themselves. The reader doesn't need to know what "standard procedure" is for changeling busts--they just need to have the characters going through the motions and they'll understand.
Now, Slate himself has a good voice, at least in dialogue. But as with any hardboiled protagonist, he has to sell himself by his inner voice. I'm not sure I'm sold on that front. During the quieter moments, he gets suitably pensive and moody, but it seems like his wit doesn't come into play much. He tends more to describe things in a beige manner with a bit of sulky passive-aggression. What's more, he uses some loquacious language here and there that seems out of place given the tone of the piece and what little I can surmise of the character's history. Marlowe is a product of a fairly well-to-do education, but shows this in his wit and his references to various works, and even then only sparingly. Slate seems to spend most of his time, again, describing "the way things are" rather than letting the prose show that. It's okay for a protagonist to let the reader know they're experienced (and indeed, it's crucial for a detective), but it needs to be done indirectly. Slate needs to show that he's been on the beat for too long, rather than tell us about it.
And this brings me to a final critique: I'm not really feeling much for Slate as a character at this point. He feels more like a generic noir protagonist rather than his own person. I understand we haven't seen a whole lot of him yet, and as a hardboiled dude, he would keep a lot of things hidden under the surface, but still, there hasn't been a true establishing character moment for him. I believe that's what the opening scene is meant to accomplish, but, again, all I really got out of that was "generic noir protagonist." Whatever makes him unique needs to be right up front and center, because the story is dealing in a genre that has played itself out a hundred times over.
Again, I don't think this is a poor showing; I just think it could be so much better. I could sit here nitpicking all day, but to reiterate my earlier points: work on a justification for the tone you're going for here, watch the telling rather than showing, and bring more of Slate's character to the forefront. Do all that, and I can see this evolving into a highly-compelling thriller.
6167228
"Gold without glitter" ?
Stories like this have a certain appeal to the masses.
Particularly the masses who feel that the system is rigged, and all we really want is a protagonist with the skill, the guts, and maybe most importantly, the luck to take a stab at cleaning house. We don't really expect them to succeed. Really, we expect them to fail; the fact is that Goliath usually kicks David's ass.
But they at least tried, and that's more than most of us can say we did.
There's the mystery of it, too, although I'm going to keep my speculations to myself.
6169534 A bit of a saying that its the real deal, and not pyrite. Which is known better as fools gold for its false glitter while commonly found about real gold.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure ponies wouldn't use a measurement unit named after a foot, because you know, hooves and all that.
I like the take on social dynamics here. Its not something you think on, but its true. And very clever choices as well.
Without contradicting 6168268 — which has some worthwhile advice — I wanted to say, I'm enjoying this.
I'm not 100% sure it's meant to be Marlowe noir, if PKD is the immediate influence, but I can see that in the story's roots.
Oooh, delicious.
I'm gonna make a prediction here based on what we know: The new version of Chrys is in the vial. As a social justice play, Paisley deliberately injected herself (the changeling genetic material would cause the spell to trigger a false positive), then reported herself with an anonymous tip, intending to be arrested based on the spell results so she could bring the drug up in court, demand a retest, and demonstrate that the spell wasn't accurate. She wasn't counting on Rising Star swooping in, though; the fact that he's faking test results means that letting this happen would ruin him, and he had to intervene and try to make the whole thing disappear. So what we have here is the collision of two earth-shaking plots, with Slate innocently caught in the middle.
Ok, this is awesome. Bring it on!
Interesting, tracking.
Oh ho... curiouser and curiouser...
Also? I LIKE Tangled Weave. Very much gives me a 'Madam Web' vibe from the 90's Spiderman cartoon.
6171938 6168268
I've actually not read much in the way of Raymond Chandler / Marlowe... Dashiell Hammett is more of my jam.
In some ways, it's a very difficult style to work in, and I think that shows through in rough patches. But writing this story was a means of pushing myself to try new and different things, and in that regard it's been a good experience. I'm very excited to see continued reactions as we get further along.
6168268 This is about the best damn critique comment I've ever read. I didn't know there was a problem, never read the source material you were referring to- or even heard of it- and its not even my own flipping story. You have a gift. but omg u.didnt even mention Mon canon banishment even 1 time so it sux
Really though, hats off to you, with all sincerity; it's rare to read anyone's appraisal of someone else's abilities that actually delivers a valid and sensible argument and especially so effectively.
6172613
Forgive me again for spewing insight, but one of the biggest tricks to understanding the style is to realize that the narration is spoken by the narrator. Whoever's head we're inhabiting, they're actually talking to us in real-time, and that means that the tone of the prose is reflective of the character's mindset in that moment. When Marlowe bitterly notes the shrill noise and the "dishonest light" of a boardwalk amusement strip because he's long since burned out on the case, or when he describes a simple telephone as Napoleon's tomb because he's high as balls, the character's voice is used to not only paint the picture of what's happening, but to add to the reader's perceptions of him as a person. We don't need him to tell us about his current mood because he's holding up his filter over the world for us to look through. The details he picks and the color of his descriptions are what paint the picture we see.
That's the sort of mindset you need to be in when writing a first-person noir. No word of it is the narrative's; they're all the narrator's.
6172698
i.imgur.com/c7wxSwU.gif
In all seriousness and with all due respect, however, I didn't do it for personal praise.
6170533 You'd think so, wouldn't you?
6172857
Thank you for the comments – it's definitely something I will keep in mind as I finish editing and posting the remaining chapters.
6173644 Yeah, I would. That's kinda why I posted the comment, you know.
Also nice avatar.
6174083 Why thank you :3
Also, I hope you know my last comment was a link to a clip of the show using the word 'foot' to describe measurement.
Huh, interesting. A little fire for fire.
Well, if this is anything like "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?" Then I'll just say this:
i.ytimg.com/vi/ILSbYH9pvjQ/maxresdefault.jpg
He's a changeling. He was a changeling the whole time. There, I just saved you two long, boobless hours.
Quick programming note: As I'm going to be away at a convention over most of this next week, we'll be moving to a chapter posted every other day, as I'm not sure that I'll have time to fully complete the editing.
Thank you again for reading!
6175137
If you want to hold off, no one, certainly not me, would blame you. You want to spiff it up over getting it out, that's fine by me.
6174916
Have you actually read the book?
6176857
It's been a while. All I remember is that there was a lot of animal themes, the line between reality and a good replica is surprisingly difficult to distinguish, mindscrew is all over the place, and it was at least implied that Deckard was Mercer all along.
6176928
In the book, Deckard was quite explicitly said to be human; he empathized with Mercer, which was the point of the empathy box, but he no more "was" Mercer than Isidore was, because Mercer represented the archetypal journey and struggle for all the humans who still lived on Earth.
6172613
Caveat: I've only read two chapters.
I like it. It's solid so far, but -- to offer some critique from the other side of this marriage's aisle -- it doesn't really feel like a PKD story unless there's dense paragraphs of the protagonist, in a caustic, darkly ironic, half-paranoid inner monologue, having a heady intellectual debate with himself about how, say, the forces of entropy are acting through him to carry on the will of the universe, with allusions to high literature and philosophy and stuff like that.
Slate talks a lot about things around him, but his inner world is not given much depth (so far).
In a PKD story, the protagonist's inner world is often just as rich and weird as the outer world around them. It certainly wasn't Dick's prose bringing people in -- that was often staid and workmanlike -- but the banquet of intellectual delights he offered to the reader.
And then, every so often, there's a pratfall or a comically malfunctioning android to liven things up.
Well, I'm caught up. Told you I'd read this. The ability to read slowly as it progresses helps, I think, since you're right that this isn't really my thing.
That being said, I am very intrigued by the plot, even if the narrative style got old for me about 3 chapters ago (which, again, is on me, not you). I want to see where all this builds up to.
I admit I wasn't at all surprised by Luna being involved. She seemed the most likely suspect. I admit I was hoping for Celestia somehow, but that seemed... exceptionally unlikely. But as soon as Tides/Weedy said "royalty" I knew this involved a Princess rather than a Queen (and the "Queen" slip up later only further cemented that).
That being said, not being surprised doesn't mean I'm any less invested. Just because I know she's involved, doesn't mean I know how. And I'm very curious to see what exactly she's up to. I have some guesses of course, but... we'll see.
Anyway, this is good. I'm enjoying it. Keep it up!
This was a fun chapter, and certainly enjoyable to see and read.
Hmm. Not sure if Luna or Chrysalis-as-Luna...
Also, very nice twist with going undercover as both sides of the secret meeting.
Ooooooooh friggernaffy, the plot thickens. I'm really itching to know just how bad things are going to get...
With your jumping from one thing to another I would be surprised if it was Chrysalis
Luna?
What the hell is going on...?
I get the feeling Red's playing both ends against the middle, here... But he still won't let Slate live this one down.
This is more than just a complication.
It's also a sign of a gripping story, as almost every chapter ends with me asking, "What the hell is going on?" Not because I can't follow it, but because there's a conspiracy here that's so big that literally anyone could be involved. We already know two of our big players, and who can say who else is in on it?
Nothing left to do here but dive in head-first and see how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Hm. This may be hyperfocusing on details, but despite all the shit hitting the fan this chapter, what bothers me the most is the detail of Red Harvest not caring about the conspiracy. To paraphrase Guardians of the Galaxy: "Why would you want to save Equestria?" "Because I'm one of the idiots who lives in it!"
I suppose it's possible that Red is both shortsighted and mercenary enough that a large payout could buy his apathy, but the sort of guy driven by greed presumably also wants to be around to spend it after everything shakes out. My gut is telling me that the reason he doesn't care is that he's working directly for the ones rocking the boat ... which means that if Slate wriggles out of this one, he might have an opening to find out more about them. He has worked with Red before, after all, and might be able to trace him down fairly silently.
... well said. Because I get the feeling this is gonna SUCK shortly.
6170533
Ugh. Stop it.
6204911 Stop what?