Michael wakes up in a hospital room with no clue of who, or where, he is
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 18th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen Nov 22nd, 2022
Ferote
Just a (From what I hear) slightly better than average writer here on fimfic. Writing comes naturally to me, if I can get my lazy ass to do it.
Ferote
Joined 18th Jan, 2012 ·
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eh
I can't tell if this is a standard HIE or not.
Is this going to be a journey of self discovery or a self insert where the character
f#$%s Rainbow Dash?
It seems that your story seems a bit...scattered. By that, I mean it has a good amount of dialogue, but not enough details about the environment. If I want to read a story, I want some personality in it. One of the key parts of a good story is relating to a character (that is unless this is a self-insert story). I'm going to be frank with you, this needs work. You can disregard my comment if you'd like. In any case, it's your story, so don't let a few dislikes or negative comments get in the way of your creativity.
440331 first, there will be no shipping or clop in my story
second, i havent a clue where this story will lead
410416 thanks, if you look at my past work i think Ive improved
i really like the last bit
wat did.......It seems that there are gaps in time as i read the story, maybe im just tired
410549 there are some, but its either in between chapters or obviously pointed out
AAAAAARG. Formatting is something so easy to do, and when not done makes it so terribly difficult for the reader. For this site, put an extra line on paragraph breaks. And for the love of God and all things holy, NEVER center justify the main body of your work. Always left justify, or, if the language calls for it, right justify.
If you make the changes and reply to this comment with "I've made this small concession to you, reader" I'll read it in more detail.
quite good I really enjoyed it
410331 It's ALWAYS the second, unfortunately. Unless the writer is asexual (like me), or some other rare exceptions. Also, why is it ALWAYS Dash with humans? Any actual inter-species romance involves Dash, with at least one human being shipped with her.
As far as the story goes: It's... interesting, though amnesia is ALWAYS retrograde in fiction. However, it would be kind of hard to write a story about someone who forgets things constantly, so... At least this isn't another poorly-written self insert (minus the format). Center Justify is best used for a title, if you want to use it that bad.
Hmm.. looks like it might be standard Human in Equestria - in the "Try to figure out what's going on while I try to fit in" stage. At least he's got gone for dashie yet.
Please, don't center justify the remaining chapters.
411360>>411827 I dont kmow why its center justified
Very very good start. I love the conversation style. When he first met Twilight and started a conversation with her, I even said "wow... this is good" out loud. Everything flows together very nice. The only thing that I feel could have been changed was how he got his job. I feel like it moved a bit to fast.
I really like the setup... it is fun trying to figure out who he was at the same time that he is.
So far, I'd give the first chapter 9 out of 10 confused humans in a pony world
Aghhhh I want morrreeeeee!! This is a REALLY good story. Also he seems to know quite a bit about medical stuff. Possibly Military Medic/Assassin (with the parkour)
Also what a jerk! He just puts a hole in someone's roof and runs off?! Lol.. I don't think a normal person would react like that. I feel like he isn't giving himself the best image with the locals.
Still very good story and I would LOVE to see more soon.. Keep up the great work man, you have a lot of talent.
411203 "I've made this small concession to you, reader"
411827 fixed it
414146 About the hole in the roof. He was high on adrenaline, at least he told them where he works and where they can find him.
414219
Closer. Still needs a blank line between paragraphs unless you bother to indent them. Without it, paragraphs seem to flow into each other. Almost there!
414257 oh you nitpickers
*solved*
414146 what medical stuff?
good story but there is a slight problem, there are parts becoming wall of text.
other than that great story
415635 its bettter than some of the other stuff ive written, but I can always improve.
415699
i actually like how the story is progressing but the wall o text thing would probably help
415711 yeah. welp its about three am here (thank god I dont have school tomorrow) nite y'all
FIRST!!!
also it appears you have the wall of text problem.
and to answer your question yes they are visible enough, but still wall of text
446504 would you rather have wall of text or dialogue driven story? sorry for sounding rude but thats how my first fic was. you just got to find a balance, and i havent yet
446572
its not that i mean its just at times the dialogue can get a little to close to the rest of the story. ok look if you send me your email ill show you what i mean
446598 so your saying i should put in an extra kine for dialogue?
446674
that would help yes
Wake up, meet up, conversate, meet up, free run, size up, free run, fuck up, and meet up.
That's basically what happened, right?
447483
whatever you do, don't use underlines. Possibly space out the lines a bit. The lines seem to run together, making it a bit more difficult to read.
okay MUCH BETTER than the last chapter.
also, FIRST!!!
So, next time I proofread (if there is a next time), I'll make it MUCH faster. So you can send all the chapters you make ta me and I'll send it back probably in the next day or two.
575361 did you make any changes?
Well, you did mix up 'adrenaline' with 'blood'.
Plus a couple other mistakes. I might have forgotten a couple, but we can let it slide.
575370 THAT WAS ON PURPOSE
*edit session*
fixed
575361 Quality over quantity, my friend. When I proofread for people, I usually read every sentence about 3 times; 5 if I changed anything in it. Gotta make everything perfect. :D
629258 hes saying that because he had a lot of stuff on his hands
I think I liked how this turned out.