A dalek appears in Equestria - not just any dalek, but the one that had been corrupted by Rose Tyler's DNA. It has a choice of life as a pony, or dying, and finds that it cannot bear to die a second time. Thus begins a strange adventure...
In order to save his friends and the love of his life from Discord, Master Raccoon Thief Sly Cooper must accomplish the impossible; steal the Elements of Harmony from Celestia and their bearers.
I would have published it earlier (only took about 4 minutes) ub this OC was already being used in Where...am I? and it was a secret between me and phoenix up until bubbleBRRY noticed it
See my review of HiE Survival for a strikingly similar list of issues and suggestions.
There are also a few instances of wrong words, (were instead of where, et cetera) and incorrect apostrophe use. ("It's" is short for "It is". It does not imply possession.)
Another issue: if a different character is speaking, create a new paragraph. Otherwise, it seems blocky, jerky, and generally difficult to read. And if you insist on writing grimdark, read some stuff by Stephen King. I personally recommend The Tommyknockers, Cell, The Dark Half, and The Mist. And, if you want to forego sleep for a week, read Pet Sematary. That stuff is grimdark done right.
And, allow me to point out a medical inaccuracy. Neurotoxins operate by inhibiting synaptic transmission; that is, preventing nerves from firing and communicating. Death is far from instant, and usually occurs from suffocation.
FIRST
AND SECOND
I just realized that this story was recent your comments are three days old? How does that work?
Lol, as soon as I saw a pony/portal crossover I knew it was going to be good
205294 He's probably been waiting for three days to get it published.
205294 to be a dick and steal someones thunder i commented before it was published
I would have published it earlier (only took about 4 minutes) ub this OC was already being used in Where...am I? and it was a secret between me and phoenix up until bubbleBRRY noticed it
Oh buck, next time avoid being dead as a final outcome. (Erase this if it just sounds to stupid.)
215085 I am a sadistic fuck
example A. I love grimdark
not so secret secret anymore.
See my review of HiE Survival for a strikingly similar list of issues and suggestions.
There are also a few instances of wrong words, (were instead of where, et cetera) and incorrect apostrophe use. ("It's" is short for "It is". It does not imply possession.)
Another issue: if a different character is speaking, create a new paragraph. Otherwise, it seems blocky, jerky, and generally difficult to read. And if you insist on writing grimdark, read some stuff by Stephen King. I personally recommend The Tommyknockers, Cell, The Dark Half, and The Mist. And, if you want to forego sleep for a week, read Pet Sematary. That stuff is grimdark done right.
And, allow me to point out a medical inaccuracy. Neurotoxins operate by inhibiting synaptic transmission; that is, preventing nerves from firing and communicating. Death is far from instant, and usually occurs from suffocation.
260446 I didnt say he died instantly
I wasnt going for girmdark
PIE?
Needs Pony Glados.
359289 Cave Johnson era of Aperture science