A major fan of FlutterDash, comedy, adventure, and other MLP things.
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You're all invited to the most unlikely wedding of all time. Who is getting married and how will the Mane Six handle the most surprising twist they've ever seen? Read to find out.
Proof Read By: FlutterDash7 & Frostfur
Edited By: MysteryMare
Cover Pic By: MysteryMare & FlutterDash7
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Wow, great representation on Celestia. Most people can't get her correctly, but you can!
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And the funny thing is, this is my first time writing her.
I love Celestia in this fic she is so much like the Princess in the show I wonder if this actually could happen in the show
Omigerd yes !
Where is spike in all this? I mean isn't celestial sorta kinda his adopted mom, remembered I heard that somewhere
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Don't worry. He'll appear soon.
YES YES YES YES A DISCELESTIA MARRIAGE STORY YAY~
...
*ahem* Ok, enough freaking out, lemme get all judgemental on you. (Sorry, but if you wanna turn into a good author, you need some criticism, buddy!) Now, let's see, first thing's first---
[1] Your pacing. It's good, yes, but it could be better. At some points in the story, it's a bit fast. I'm gonna see if you can point it out yourself by rereading this chapter a few times, then go compare it to a book you have. Borrow some techniques to slow things down a notch.
[2] Your dialogue: PERFECT! It's not often I actually hear the voices of the Mane Six in my head when I read a fanfic. (Shaddup, I'm not crazy.)
[3] The backstory, sweet and simple. Nice job on that. Despite your pacing issue, it all suddenly halted on that and it flowed nicely.
All in all, I'll give this a 2.5 out of 5 so far. I look forward to CH2!
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Do you mean Celestia and Discord getting married in the cartoon? Who knows? There's no telling what kind of surprises await us in Season Five.
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Glad you like the story so far and thanks for the constructive criticism. I'll try and make the pace flow better. Glad you think everyone sounded in character. Hopefully, I'll be able to keep it up. I'm quite proud of the backstory. It's something I've had for awhile. I figured it was the only way that a past relationship between Celestia and Discord could fit into canon, with the added bonus of making Discord seem more sympathetic. Besides, didn't you ever wonder if Celestia had an ulterior motive for wanting Discord reformed besides a practical use for his magic? Hopefully, it won't be long before the second chapter is up, but with it being my birthday week, I'll be a bit busy. Still, thanks again!
4419355 It's not a problem at all, I'm always willing to help.
sooooooooooooooooooooo gooooooooood :DD cant wait for the next chapter
Finally! Someone who gets the true meaning of the greatness that is chaos!
Lovin the story! Can't wait for the wackiness to come!
4419172 I aggree!
“Here there, sugarcube” Applejack responded.
Hey
(Did you mean Hey here? Or i'm I just crazy?)
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Sorry, typo. Thanks for pointing it out.
4422291 Its what I do!
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Well, I've heard so many times that dark doesn't have to be evil, so I figured the same could be said about chaos.
4425284 Yeah, Chaos is neither good or evil. It's Both! Ha! See what i did there?
4425284 Exactly! It's always nice to see a brother of true chaos!
4419358
I've made a few changes: a couple of additional lines to the beginning as well as some adjectives to some of the lines involving Celestia. Tell me what you think.
Wow, Celestia...
Her past is just so..so sad!
Here, have a spike
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Yeah, I'd say having to turn the love of her life to stone AND banishing her own sister to the moon would definitely count as the two most tragic moments in her life. Fortunately, her future is looking a lot brighter. Glad you like the story so far. There's more to come!
4429530 This fantastic! I loved every bit of it! If you want. I could draw a cover for you
Please continue to write more amazing stories!
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Thanks! Go for it! And don't worry, the second chapter is currently in the works.
4454550 I'm glad!
Very cute start, I'll be interested to see what you do with the rest of it.
The one criticism I would give is that you need to work a bit more on "show don't tell," but that's a technique that many people have trouble with early on. It's something that just takes a little practice to improve, so the more you write the better you will get at it. I will certainly keep an eye on this fic.
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Thanks for the comment. I'm not use to describing actions for MLP works, but I will improve on it. Glad you're deciding to keep an eye on this story. The second chapter is currently being proof read so it shouldn't be too much longer before it's up. Oh, and just to give you a head's up, there will be FlutterDash as a side pairing in the story. Being you're an AppleDash fan, I thought I should tell you. Hopefully, that won't be enough to push you away.
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Nah, no worries, I had already picked up on the FlutterDash hints. I'm super chill with shipping, so I can appreciate other people's ships. There are very few pairings that will outright turn me away from something.
I wonder if a certain accordian-playing party stallion will be at Discord's bachelor party (or even put in charge or organizing it)...
BTW, maybe you can include some elements of Cheesy Pie as well
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Also, the ships I mentioned are the only ones I'll be portraying. Of course, there's always the chance of Cheese Pie being in another of my stories.
Sorry, but I think portraying Discord's bachelor party would get me banned from this site.
EDIT:
Of course there's always the chance of Discord mentioning Cheese Sandwich was there. That's something to consider.
Nah I'm kidding ... mostly, anyway looking forward to more.
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It would come to no real surprise if Cheese Sandwich planned Discord's party.
FlutterDash --
Dislestia --
Sparity --
FlashLight --
I like this line-up of ships! The interaction with Dizzy and Tia was very cute...
...but why do I have the feeling Discord is gonna remember the past last minute and skimp out on the wedding, thus leaving Celestia at the alter?
also psst i don't think ponies have hands? "promise me your bachelor party doesn’t get out of hand" -- replace it with hoof, silly! :P
4490171
Sorry, no spoilers. I will say however that you might be right about some things, but not necessarily how.
Celestia shook his head.
4492370
Sorry. I'll fix that.
“You think that’s hard to believe?” Applejack asked from the seat across the lane “I’m still having a hard time swallowing the fact that they actually grew up together. Who could’ve seen that coming?”
“Nopony” Pinkie Pie pointed out “Except maybe the author of this story."
AND PINKIE BRAKES THE FOURTH WALL FOR THE THIRD TIME TODAY!!!!!
4488729 Thanks, but please mention that Cheese Sandwich organized and/or planned the party. It's DISCORD so of course he'd get the best party pony around for his party.
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Like I said, I'm taking it into consideration. Not all the details for the story have been planned out.
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Incidentally, did you mean you read two other stories where Pinkie broke the fourth wall before this one?
I was hoping someone would like that.
Okay, finally getting around to commenting. I actually read this a while ago (with my cellphone on my lunch break at work) but didn't leave a comment then. So here goes.
You've got the basics. The writing isn't spectacular, but it isn't bad either - I didn't have to cringe even once while reading this. That's always a good thing, so we could say that your writing is decent/good. The characters are written in a believable way, so IC achieved. The plot itself looks promising and you've got some good ideas going there.
Now, here's some problems I picked up:
-You have problems setting up the mood. There's some attempts to do so, but to me everything just kind of happens and ponies react to it some and then they move on without any lasting feelings left. I suppose your writing relies a little too much on dialogue and leaves out the things that happen in the background and help us readers feel like we're witnessing an actual scene rather than listening to a phone conversation. So maybe take a little more time in describing things that happen, like the facial expressions, the gestures and body language, possibly the thoughts of any possible POV character, and give the readers (and the characters) a moment to grasp the situation before moving on.
-Ponies talk when they don't need to talk. With this, I mostly refer to the scenes where you have multiple characters and every time somepony says something important you go out of your way to have each and every supporting character give a short reply to it. Maybe sometimes you could just give a little description along the lines of "The others gave her words of approval and little nods" or "The girls looked excited about the news and congratulated her, much to her delight". It would make the conversations flow better because unnecessities would be cut out and make the important things stand out.
-Your beta has mostly caught the possible grammar mistakes and typos (not all though), but there's one consistent error going on: there's supposed to be a comma after the dialogue pieces and before telling us who said the thing, and before the dialogue continues if it does. Here, let me show you:
“That’s okay” the draconequus said cheerfully “I can’t stay long anyway as I have things to do. However, I wanted you to be the first to hear the big news.” <--- wrong.
“That’s okay,” the draconequus said cheerfully, “I can’t stay long anyway as I have things to do. However, I wanted you to be the first to hear the big news.” <--- right.
“That’s okay”, the draconequus said cheerfully, “I can’t stay long anyway as I have things to do. However, I wanted you to be the first to hear the big news.” <--- another way of doing it right.
I think those are your most pressing issues that you might want to work on
Also, keep up the writing, you'll get the hang of it eventually, but only if you practise! Reading other fics and books also helps.
Gave this a read too, since it's here. You seem to have already improved from your previous chapter, I see more description
Awesome~
This was a little repetitive though. In the last chapter Celestia told the ponies their roles in the wedding. In the first half of this chapter they all talked about what they're doing. And then on the second half Discord and Celestia talked about it all over again. Got a little jarring there.
Also, I have to be blunt and say that I didn't really... feel any kind of connection between Discord and Celestia there
They just conversed with each other like any other characters might. With FlutterDash there was clear romantic awkwardness going on and you could feel the ship. But Dislestia just talked like good neighbours on a sunny day. I mean, there wouldn't be much awkwardness between them if they're already at the point where they're getting happily married (and they're both mature about romance anyway), but one would think there'd be more visible affection, like particularly warm looks or touches or something. Especially with how touchy-feely Discord is in the show. So it was a little disappointing to me as I was all ready to wear my shipping goggles but didn't really see much after all.
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Thank you for commenting on the story. It means a lot to have the leader of the DisLestia group comment on my work. Thank you for your critiquing. The truth is that while I've written other stories, I'm still a rookie at writing MLP stories. However, I should get better with each chapter. I didn't mean for the second chapter to sound repetitive, but I felt that I wanted the Mane Six to express their feelings about their jobs, i.e Fluttershy nervous about being Best Mare and Rarity panicking about the design for Celestia's gown. As for Discord and Celestia talking about the same thing, I felt I needed them to talk about something while Discord was getting fitted for his suit and that was the only subject I could think of. And I know there didn't seem to be that much romance between Discord and Celestia, but I believe that was intentional. Remember, apart from them forming their relationship following Discord presenting Celestia that bouquet (meaning it's only a few weeks old), Discord still doesn't remember his past romance with her. However, like the rest of the story, that will improve and I can promise you by the time of wedding, there will be true DisLestia. Still, I guess the main reason the FlutterDash stuff is more natural is because I've read more of that than DisLestia. Perhaps I should find myself more than one beta. The one I already have has critiqued my grammar, but maybe I need another to critique the writing. Know anyone who could help? Anyway, I don't know when the third chapter will be up as I'm still thinking out all the details. Still, when I do have it out, I hope you'll be back to give your opinion on it.
Another excellent chapter!! I'll be getting my new tablet in the mail tomorrow, and I can finish up the cover!
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yes,
yes i did
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Marvelous. Let me know when it's ready.
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I took your advice and corrected the grammar. Hopefully, you'll find it better now. I'm also on the look out for a second proofreader as well as an editor. So far, I've got two candidates for each job. Hopefully, the rest of the story will be appealing to you.
I like it, its funny, its nice and I cant fucking wait to see how Discord destroys his bachelor party, PLEASE TELL ME SPIKE WILL BE IN THERE!
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Sorry, but I'm afraid that the bachelor party would be too wild to write. We are talking about Discord you know. Still, glad you're liking the story so far. There's more to come. Don't know when, but it's coming.
4558626 treasure.diylol.com/uploads/post/image/624684/resized_winter-is-coming-meme-generator-brace-yourselves-the-writing-is-coming-ffcf85.jpg
This was super awesome!!! Can't wait to read the rest!