When Fluttershy confesses her true feelings to Rainbow Dash, the speedster reacts the only logical way: Panic. Fortunately, she gets help from a very unexpected place.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 19th Jul, 2013
- offline last seen 6 hours ago
Eddy13
A major fan of FlutterDash, comedy, adventure, and other MLP things.
Eddy13
Joined 19th Jul, 2013 ·
Offline
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Well done for a first shipping fic. A few punctuation errors, but other than that, everything's fine. The dialogue isn't awkward like it can be in some stories, and it seems at least a bit planned out. Neither of them were really out of character, which I see waaay too often. All in all, good job! I really want to see your next!
This is so cute! I LOVE it!
I thought that was funny, I could really picture it in my head.
Thank you for writing, you have another follower!
-Lizzy
Great fic! It was hilarious, and was big on the kawaidesu. Discords antics were great, the flow was smooth, and I have 0 criticisms. This was a nice quick read, and it put a smile on my face. I hope to see more from you. This was a flawless first shipfic.
Very nice Flutterdash there. It's good for a first story. Short sweet and funny. I like Discord's involvement in it. He really felt like Discord and I could really imagine how much he would enjoy playing with Dash in order to make both her and Fluttershy happy.
I'll follow you in the hope for more Flutterdash
I liked this. It was short, but sweet and Discord comes off being the good guy yet still being his manipulative self. Bravo.
Now then, I shall warn you in advance that it has been a long time since I last did a review. Not an intentional thing of course, I love reading and reviewing fanfics despite how time consuming the act is and that has since been the problem, allocation of my time. The point is though I may be a little rusty with this and so have opted to warn you in advance. Anyway, I guess it is time to review once again.
First thing to say is that this story was enjoyable. It is short and sweet, not exactly the most original of concepts but made fresh with the inclusion of Discord and well written. The written mistakes are few and I saw some decent choices of vocabulary such as the opening paragraph's usage of inadvertently. The opening scene worked wonders. It felt natural and the build up to Fluttershy's confession was impressive. The wording of it suited Fluttershy and it was paced well. In general characterisation is golden. All 3 characters act like themselves, talk like themselves and react like themselves. Rainbow Dash's panic moment was understandable and though she opted to blame herself for it I never found her guilty of any wrong; her response made sense and never came across as mean or selfish. On that note, as Flowercrowns16 has pointed out, the following was a terrific moment
:
Now however, it is time for the critique.
From the title of this story it is clear that Discord's involvement is emphasised. The story wouldn't work without his mind game going on however I felt Discord could have done more. His conversation with Dash should not have only been longer but I feel he should have been doing more within the scene. He is a master of chaos but for the most part it seemed in that scene he was sitting on the clouds doing nothing. You should have narrated some random actions for him, perhaps have him pop out Rainbow's ear to emphasise how he is playing with Rainbow's mind to help Rainbow make up her mind. That said the other problem in this story is lack of description, or rather moments of description. Describing Discords actions would have been a nice way to break up the stream of conversation but having Rainbow Dash focus a bit on her surroundings when first came to the clouds would also have helped. After Rainbow Dash left Fluttershy's break down shouldn't have been so sudden, it would have worked better to draw it out and describe the atmosphere at the time.
3630578
Thank you for the review. I was a little nervous about you reading this since I know how you feel about Discord's reform. Still, I wanted to do a fic where Discord helped Fluttershy get together with Rainbow Dash. Glad you like that bit where Rainbow Dash argued her strong points. That was one of the first things I wrote when I started this fic. True, I could've done more with Discord making Rainbow Dash realize her feelings for Fluttershy, but unfortunately, I didn't have many ideas. The same goes for Discord's antics, granted I did think out the spit take and the top hat gag. Perhaps I should've had this story co-written with someone who is an expert on writing Discord. Oh, well. Still, glad you decided to favorite it. Perhaps one day, you and I can co-write a FlutterDash story. I've heard FlutterDash wedding fics are rare.
3569373
Well, don't worry. I've got a couple other FlutterDash stories in my head. Right now, I'm planning a FlutterDash version of the TwiJack story "About Last Night".
3567911
Thanks for the review. I'm glad you like Discord's antics. I'm still a rookie at writing his character (probably because I prefer watching his post-reform appearances) but I think I'll get better with time. Considering Fluttershy's his friend, I'm thinking of throwing him into some of my FlutterDash stories. I'm also glad you think it's a good first MLP shipfic. I've had experience at writing romance fics, but not for MLP. Hopefully, my MLP technique will improve. I gotta ask though, what does kawaidesu mean?
Hah, that was cute, sweet, short, and funny. Discord's involvement was amusing and made this much fresher and little apart from other one-shot Flutterdash stories out there. Overall, I liked how smooth the dialogue was and was reading it in the character's voices. Well done with this story.
Your work has me interested, so if you do any other stories in the future I will surely be looking forward to them.
3742663
Thanks for the review. Considering Fluttershy is the his friend, I'd figure Discord would do his best to see her happy. And don't worry, I've got a few other FlutterDash stories planned. One of them is a FlutterDash version of Darth Link's TwiJack story "About Last Night".
3728793 Kawaidesu means "is cute" in Japanese. But in internet slang it just means that it was big on the cutes.
This was good except ....... how can Rainbow Dash never have heard of lesbians before?
3799030
Some writers like to portray Rainbow Dash as being oblivious to things dealing with love. In Souldin's story 'Magnetism', she didn't know mares could like other mares like that when she saw Lyra and Bon Bon.
Yay!
Not bad.
Awesome.
Perfect.
TITLE:
DESCRIPTIONS: Solid, short, and sweet.
IMAGE: Get one. Anything is better than blank.
BEGINNING: Good start, maybe a little rushed, adding more dialogue could help. Confession was done well too.
MIDDLE: Discord the matchmaker?
END: One problem: can we have a scene where Rainbow realizes her feelings on her own after Discord's chat? It would probably flow better.... And Fluttershy should be sadder. Waaay sadder. (I don't like a sad 'Shy, but here, it may fit.)
GRAMMAR: Fantastic! (Eccelston)
MISC: Too many lines when you separate chunks of the story.
OVERALL: A nice Flutterdash story with a neat twist. Minor errors here and there, but on average a solid story.
FINAL RATING: 235/270
~Wywint
4582719
Glad you like the story. If you think that's good, you should check out "Wedding of the Millennium". It's quite popular and a lot of readers like it. I just hope you're into Dislestia. As for a pic, I'm afraid I don't know of any pics where Discord gets Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash together. Know where I might find one?
4582763 I've read into wedding of the millennium, and while it IS a well written and good story, dislestia always throws me for a loop, and there are only a few Flutterdash secondary fics that I like.
Pictures? no clue, just use something that somehow resembles your story. I once needed a picture of Fluttershy- if she were on fire with glowing red eyes, but chose a simple flame instead.
~Wywint
This is great! Perfect balance of emotion with the comedy of Discord! Have a favorite!
Charming little story. However there is one small error: It should be 'Though her crying had calmed down...' Love the effort, keep at it.
4713663
Glad you like it. If you don't mind Dislestia, you should check out the story I'm currently working on, "Wedding of the Millennium".
Fantastic
5309925
Glad somebody finally mentioned that. I got the idea from an episode of Fairly Oddparents. I felt it would fit Discord's character.
>>eddy13
Fits his character like a glove!