Twi', please.

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Comments ( 10 )

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TheWraithWriter

TheWraithWriter #1 · Jul 4th, 2014 · 12 · ·

Twilight, Luna and Celestia have sex. Two of them become futa, then they all fuck.

This is honestly the best description I've ever read for a story.

Luz

Luz #2 · Jul 5th, 2014 · 3 · ·

That description, my God...

Brb upvoting.

AnonponyDASHIE

AnonponyDASHIE #3 · Jul 5th, 2014 · 5 · ·

This could really benefit from an editing pass to catch all of the misspellings, misused words, and grammar errors. They crop up commonly enough to consistently take a reader out of the story.

The sex isn't bad, but is lacking in description, and variety of such. Take more time with it, give lots of description and try to focus on all the senses, and not just actions, but reactions, feelings, vocalizations, etc.

Jacob Ellinger

Jacob Ellinger #4 · Jul 10th, 2014 · · ·

it's to simple. needs more detailed description ( not the story description but the actual way you describe things in the story) and better dialog.

Over all it's pretty lame. I could not clop to this even if I tried. I guess the only redeeming quality you got in this story imo is you did not over indulge the orgasm. Sorry if I sound like a ass

Valtyra

Valtyra #5 · Jul 10th, 2014 · 2 · ·

4671042

Hey, no you don't. I know lol, that's kind of my weakness, sometimes. I'm getting better, but kind of slip back when I don't want to.

This will probably get a rewrite sometime soon, when I have time.

Rakdar

Rakdar #6 · Jul 17th, 2014 · · ·

Don't know why, but I was laughing my fucking head off by the end

Valtyra

Valtyra #7 · Jul 17th, 2014 · · ·

4708692 I have that effect sometimes. I don't mean to, but I sometimes write comedy stuff :(

TheDudeAbides

TheDudeAbides #8 · Jul 18th, 2014 · 4 · ·

Not too shabby, you drop hard drop character a couple of times with no build up. I'm alright for going out of character but you got to build up to it in a romantic/lusty setting.

Couple of other problems:

Twilight sat in the middle of her room, in her rump, waiting. Celestia walked in with her serene smile and saw Twilight.

How do you sit in your ass?

"'m bored and I can't study..." Twilight admitted, embarrassment echoed onto her face. "I don't know why..."

Twilight would never shorten words past their contractions. You should have a "I'm bored" instead

"We are alicorns, we are all female... Excluding that one you killed, Luna." Celestia glared at her sister who shrank back. "No matter, we cannot mother foals anyway."

Wut. Seriously what. If you're going to drop that onto us, atleast give us some context or just don't even bother.

Celestia chuckled, "I know, it's hard not to gobble it up." She then glanced to Luna, would you like to screw your marefriend?" Luna returned to her revealed position, "She's very eager to be filled..."

You are missing a quote mark after Luna's name.

All in all, it was alright, has a lot of room for improvement. I understand Twi isn't as used to this as the other two females, but being new to these sensations, I'd imagine she'd be going through a lot of sensory overload, especially on the tight grip and feeling her cock is getting. It was an okay story regardless. Don't forget to keep on writing!

Shadows Reborn