- Member Since 17th Aug, 2012
- offline last seen Oct 6th, 2015
Lord Sunder
Silly Celestia, princesses are for kissing!
Lord Sunder
Joined 17th Aug, 2012 ·
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Twilestia is Bestia956 stories ·3,267 members
Twilight is Best Pony6,371 stories ·3,071 members
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Badass Twilight = Total Domination1,234 stories ·4,256 members
Celestia Is The Best Pony2,578 stories ·2,887 members
- still reading13 stories ·3 members
- clop 288 stories ·103 members
Romance is Magic!5,373 stories ·1,721 members
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Interesting. Read bits of this when you were still writing it, but I enjoyed it.
Let's see what the finished product is...
Post-read: Definitely interested, will favorite. Holding my UV until another chapter's published.
awesome ending. can't wait for the next chapter cheers
criticism you said. ok then heres what i've got though its not really criticisms but questions. one what was the master of the creature that twi melded with? two Is their going to be shipping? three are the humans going to be run into later if so, then are they going to be the main villains? because I always love a good story where the humans get slaughtered by the creatures they invaded. four were the visions in twilights dream premonitions of the future or insights into the current state of those the depictions related to? just a few questions that popped into my head. as for grammar and stuff you'd have to ask first and put the story up on gdocs so i could check it out more thoroughly.
cheers
yay chapter anyway now i get to see the 'spirits' guiding hand/hoof anyway the scene with celestia and luna was adaawable. and i like what you did with the timber wolf and the forest spirits. till next chapter.
cheers
1631037
Yeah, that scene actually kinda worried me. Luna and Celestia seemed to have far too much chemistry, for sisters...
1631467 well i'm not against it but i cant decide what you like or not so till next chapter cheers
Okay... this story has my curiosity piqued.
It is interesting and I am enjoying it!
Favorited, upvoted and looking forward to more!
Romance with only these three characters listed? Hmm... the bit in the summary about Twilight intrigues the hell out of me too. I am curious on multiple levels. I don't want to throw this in my read later list, cuz' I never get around to that...
I'll favorite it now, so that it's in my unread chapters list when I go to check that next, since it's too late to read now.
1631467 cough wincest cough cough.
Very intriguing. Fav'd
1631467
Princesst is Wincest?
i really like where this is going!!!!
Is this a Twilestia? 
1647765
Yes. It may very well end up being Twilunestia, if the princesses keep being shippy... and from the comments section so far, it seems that would be well received. Hmm, not sure I can pull it off, but what the hell. I didn't put things like that in an author's note, because I feel those are immersion breaking, and they'd detract from the impact of my description. Maybe I should write a blog for once? Then again, it's not like half the people watching this story are watching me, so I'm honestly not sure where to put information like that. I'd assumed the romance + character tags would be enough, but meh. Bloody fimfiction interface *grumbles incoherently*.
And so it begins...
Twilight will have a mental breakdown in the next chapter, calling it now!
1650628
Damn... should I take that as a compliment?
1650641
Murphy's Law X Twilight Sparkle. OTP
1650643maybe
iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/4572.tumblr_lrocgkLILx1qfgjtno1_500.gif?1318631249
Tho i do know this now that Twi actually has an internal voice of reason she really can't freak out anymore. O and with the power boost she shouldn't be too afraid of Celestia. can't wait to see the princesses reaction to Twilight's new condition.
1650692
Sure she can, all she needs to do is ignore the voice in her head and continue panicking...
1652439
1649223
Just a random musing, from what I've seen when it comes to Twi and the sisters, folks enjoy seeing them all end up happy, but if you only have one of the sisters show romantic interest in Twi, then just that sister and Twi leaves folks happy. They just don't like seeing one of the sisters neglected, typically. Honestly though, whatever you want to do is what you do, and the Romance tag and character tags are enough to understand it will be a Twi x Sister pairing at some point. Some folks just need everything spelled out for them letter by letter, word for word.
As far as your story, it looks like an interesting concept, I marked it to my favorites to be read later, at which point I'll gladly leave some feedback and any crticism that might come to mind. I'm a sap for romance though, as well as all three characters featured in your story, so I'm sure I will greatly enjoy reading this.
1659011
This is going to be something of a slow burn, so don't expect romance/clop immediately. I'm honestly still setting things up, although it should pick up in the next chapter. What I'm trying to say is... 'I'm still setting up the pieces, the game has yet to fully commence'. I've been focusing more on the weird eldritch abomination that Twilight has acquired, and setting up later interactions, rather than going immediately for the pairing.
Edit: constructive criticism is more than welcome, thanks.
Hi!
To be honest, I prefer Twilestia. But it's just my taste ... Anyway, I have put your story on my favorites. I'm waiting to see where this goes eheh
1649223 On the topic of romance, I agree with 1659011 . If you're going to ship Twilight with one of the sisters, stick with one. Pulling off a Twilunalestia well is hard and would require a lot of dedicated focus that I get the feeling this story doesn't quite warrant - it'd distract from the eldritch cosmic mythos you're setting up when a slow burning pairing like Twilestia could actually be used to open up that mythos further as the two grow closer and their secrets begin to be revealed.
I'm biased towards Twilestia, but since you've already set the seeds of that in both Twilight and Celestia, I'd really advise rolling that out and simply focusing on exploring just one romantic pairing. Too many potentially great fics wind up getting tangled in shipping so much they lose focus. Focusing on the cosmic side of things is a great strategy so far.
I'm keeping an eye on this. Good luck!
1659230
Honestly, from reading your description, I am expecting more character and world building aspects to come into play before Romance, and it usually takes a good amount of words to properly set up a story anyways. Take your time, and when it 'picks up' it picks up. Will probably get around to reading this Fri/Sat, and I love giving out constructive criticism as well as speculating on events.
1659389
Not quite what I was saying with my words. Was stating that it is typically better received by the readers when a story that has both sisters showing romantic interest in Twilight, that is is better received to have all three together rather than one being 'neglected' by Twilight making a decision. It leads to a lot of whiny angst ridden comments if that occurs. That led into my comment of 'If you only plan to have 1 of the sisters paired with Twilight, then only have said sister be the one with romantic interests'. Whether Sunder wants to pair all three or just Twilight and another is completely up to him, I don't have a preference either way. And while a pitfall does exist when a writer gets too wrapped up in the Romance portion of a story when it is not the sole focus, something tells me that Sunder is well aware of this issue and that the romance is going to be more of a secondary aspect of the story. Just clarifying.
i liked the first chapter a lot. i liked this chapter too, but there is one pretty major thing which hits me; i might just be tired, but it's hard to read this; there are quite a lot of grammar mistakes, mostly structural (both in the story telling in general as well as in a few of the dialogues), it disrupts the flow. you should get an editor, we have groups for that.
as with the last chapter; this one felt oddly rushed, not the talking about the story progression, it feels like you just wrote it and threw it to the sharks (us). once again; it's mostly the structure and the dialogues which bothers me, there was a few grammatical errors as well, mostly in the form of faulty punctuation, you should really get an editor to read your work over. on another note; "show, don't tell" is something which i rarely mention, mostly because the flow is what's most important to me, but with the strange structuring along with the occasional grammatical error the flow was disrupted a lot of the time, and thus i actually began thinking about it.
the story in itself i actually like quite a lot, the only two things i request is that you get an editor and that you think about how you present the story to us, the readers.
At first I had no earthy idea what was going on, but this story is amazing. You wrote Twilight perfectly, in a perfect world this would be an MLP spin-off or something of the sort.
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw8249-29524.gif
Reminded me why I liked reading, easily better than my stories.
1660717
Actually, all of the chapters I've posted have been looked over by multiple people in the TWE. I thought we'd caught most of the grammar issues, to be honest. I'm aware I'm a little addicted to commas, and I'm cutting back, I swear. Now, regarding showing vs telling... this axiom works at a base level, but showing all the time bogs a story down completely. One has to find some point to say 'no, let them imagine it for themselves', otherwise the pacing just goes to shit completely. It's knowing when to tell something that's important, I think. Not sure if I do know, but it seemed to flow well to Axel Nyan, Midnight Dancer and I, when we went over it. I'm aware that I'm my own worst critic, but what's wrong with the structuring? Also, if you could point out a few of the grammar mistakes you see, as opposed to just saying they exist, that would be appreciated.
Flow is pretty important to me, too. Everyone has differing opinions on what makes a story flow well, and it's hard to please everyone on that front. One last question... are both your shift keys broken? And the caps key? It seems a little hypocritical to be lecturing me on grammar and punctuation, when you don't bother to start your sentences with capital letters. That probably sounded incredibly passive aggressive, but seriously, what's with your grammar?
Favourited it earlier so I could read it later, since I had already given it a quick once over and couldn't spot any glaring grammatical or spelling issues, but I just finished reading the chapters right then and... can I say that you are awesome? One of the best stories I've read in a while. Looking forward to the next chapter.
Apologies if this sounds rushed.
1660717
Would you mind linking these grammatical errors you keep on finding?
They must be pretty huge, considering they're being picked up by someone who doesn't use capital letters.
That the author and the 4 other people who pre-read must missed such horrible glaring mistakes speaks fairly poorly of all of them.
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw1144_small.jpg
1665507
i said there was a few grammatical errors, the punctuation (which include commas you jerk) to be precise (besides like two missing words somewhere in there), which the author admitted to using too many off. and i did have a comment to follow up with, but i've yet to post it, as i've had to re-read the entire thing just to make sure i find them again, and i've had to deal with other stuff in between. the follow-up wasn't even supposed to bring up commas that much, as the author said he knew of the issue. and what's with fucking gang up on me not using capital letters in the COMMENTS, this is not a freaking formal letter we're talking about, the one thing im really really bad at when it comes to grammar is using capital letters, which means that when the situation doesn't absolutely call for capital letters; i don't use them.
i try to be a little helpful, and when i don't follow up in time you start attacking my grammatical mistakes in the comments, im not the one writing the story, am i?...why do i even try...
1665641
Yes, commas. He's noted this. But having too many commas is hardly something that makes it as hard to read as you claim.
Apparently, I'm a one-man gang. I never knew this.
Do I get to pick my Tattoo?
'Cos that'd be sweeeeeet.
Neither's the story.
Frankly, you're blowing my response quite badly out-of-proportion and getting overly defensive about it.
My response was merely because of how Hypocritical you acted, complaining about grammar when you yourself fail to meet the grade.
I also commented requesting that you point out the mistakes. This would help the author hugely, instead of saying "I found a problem" and leaving it at that. Which just gets annoying.
Seeing as five other people couldn't find the other mistakes you found, I'm quite interested to see what they are. Please, enlighten us.
1665688
firstly, yes; too many commas means that there are commas in the wrong places, which changes the meaning of some sentences, which means you have to correct the sentence yourself to get the correct meaning, which breaks the flow of reading, at least for me. they're not THAT big of deal, not my main concern, as i've stated earlier.
you most have missed the author's comment then. he "attacked" my lack of capital letters as well (though he wasn't particularly aggressive about it...im more upset with you, cause you were anything but polite about it).
okay, there is a big difference between a formal letter and this. but im upset, sue me...
another difference which does stay true though; is that there's a need for capital letters in a story, but not in the comments.
and i would be guilty of hypocrisy if i complained to the author about how he's bad at something, and then proceed to perform the same kind of mistake in the same situation.
and i don't want to dig out every single faulty comma in the entire story, which is why i merely mentioned it, would you have preferred that i didn't mention it at all? anyway; the main concern i had was how the dialogue was built up in a few places as well as how certain parts were structured.
so no, i won't point out every faulty comma in the entire story. what i do have are my concerns about the structure of some of parts in chapters 2 and 3. i will probably PM them to the author if anything though, and not today, but im not sure if it's even appreciated...
1665641 First, it doesn't matter that you aren't writing the story. The fact that you are giving advice and you're grammar and capitalization is that horrid does NOT give you any credibility. If you're going to criticize someone on their story, hardly anyone will take you seriously if you yourself can't follow the basic rules of grammar. You ARE trying to be helpful. However, you're going about it wrong. You need to learn to use capital letters wherever they're needed if you're going to be criticizing. Otherwise, either THIS happens, or worse, no one will take you seriously.
1665641
When a new sentence starts, that calls for capitalization. General rule of English. I learnt it when I was five, so trust me, you can do it too. And no, you weren't particularly helpful. Like... at all. You used no specifics whatsoever which would allow me to fix these mistakes you supposedly see everywhere. The comment had negative helpfulness value, in fact, since I'm now worried about mistakes, but don't know where they lie.
Forgive me, but your general inability to use grammar correctly in your own comments makes me somewhat sceptical of your ability to critique the grammar of others. I second the 'ScreenedPlum is a one man gang' thing... you're being incredibly defensive. I'd be interested to see specific examples of these errors you speak of, which I note you still have not provided, despite both myself and Plum giving you time to formulate a reply... I'd like to see them, honestly. The only complaint I've had regarding flow has been about sentences with too many commas (which I've mostly culled, I think), besides your claim that flow errors are common (again, no specifics).
Edit: 1665816
Okay, so now you latch onto the idea of too many commas, because I mentioned that error myself. It seems almost like you're grasping for things to criticize. Again, you don't quote anything which might actually help me fix the errors you keep referring to, and instead yammer on about commas for ages, effectively dodging the question again. Comments use language, which means they follow the general rules of the language in question. We are conversing in English, which means we follow English grammar, which calls for capital letters at the start of sentences. The fact you don't seem to be able to understand this most basic of English grammar rules is... worrisome. I don't consider you to be particularly credible, basically. Quote some errors to me, and maybe we can talk. Until then, this avenue of conversation is pointless bickering.
1665833>>1665847
as i said, the grammar mistakes were just something i mentioned, they were not the point of my comment. what i was trying to convey was that the structure and the dialogue in some parts of the chapters were breaking the flow of reading for me, i just mentioned that the only grammar problems i could find was a few faulty punctuations, it's nothing to go nuts over. so no, you don't need to worry about the grammar at all, there i said it, happy?
and again, about the capitalization "problem", i have no problem what so ever to use capitalized letters when needed, but i don't think it's needed when writing a quick comment, and that's my opinion alone.
as for why im defensive about this; when im trying to help i don't expect the ones im trying to help to go down on me like this, i especially don't expect them to target my biggest flaw when writing casually.
and about my thoughts on the structure and dialogue issues i was talking about, forget them; im not qualified to criticize anyways, so why bother.
block or report me do whatever you wish, im done with this and ill stay out of your way from now on.
1665968
You're trying to help. I understand. However, you're going about it all wrong. If you're going to give advice to someone, at least make yourself credible. Otherwise, don't bother. It's not that you aren't qualified. It's just that you went about it all wrong. If you are going to criticize someone, make sure you are following the rules of what you are criticizing. You'll look like an idiot otherwise. We are trying to improve ourselves. When someone, ANYONE, notices a mistake, we WANT to improve ourselves and actively look for what we fucked up on. So when you said that you found a mistake, of course he wanted to know asked about it, and then turned around and questioned you when he saw no evidence.
EDIT: Fucking sleep deprivation.
*So when you said that you found a mistake, of course he asked about it,*
1665968
We're just doubtful of these mistakes you say you've found, as none of the editors found them, and no other reader has reported them.
And the one guy who has reported them has so far failed to provide evidence that they exist.
So you can see why we could be a little bit upset when you up-sticks and go.
Saying "This story has problems. Fix them" and leaving is mildly infuriating.
Sunder already said that he's slightly paranoid now, as a result of your comments.
We all want this to be the best story it can. So please, if you intend to help, help. Show us the errors, so Sunder can fix them.
Don't just run away when people ask you to justify your complaints.
1630689
Well, there is a romance tag...
Well, there isn't a human tag...
img577.imageshack.us/img577/111/inky.gif
1666000
look, im gonna drop the whole grammar thing entirely, it wasn't anything major, nor was it the important point. the one important thing i was trying to convey was that i thought the flow of reading was being disturbed by two things occasionally; how the author choose to structure a few parts and a few dialogues which were a bit confusing. i almost never criticize grammar, i only do so when it disturbs me to a great amount. i only mentioned it this time in the first place cause i found the structural "problems" around the same time, and thus i noticed them as well, that and i was kinda tired at the time.
i've already closed the document i was using when writing my follow-up reply, so that's gone. so please write it of as a tired readers rambling.
1666293 ... That's mainly our concern as well. We want to see examples of these problems. We have no idea what you are referring to, and that scares us. Please, for the sake of our minds, where are these structural problems?
I adore the idea of a second conscience, and the last-of-race-of-awesome-sentinels from the matrix thing is great too. The pacing seems to be restraining itself nicely and the characters make sense for the most part. No shopping lists of 'MEET EVERYPONY EVER' seems to not be present and the descriptions are to the point and engaging.
In otherwords;
But, there is quite a bit that could go wrong with this story. Most of it can be avoided by not adding any major new characters to interact with Twilight or not switching the perspective from Twilight or Celestia. I'd also like to see the total lack of involvement from any of the other 'mane 6' any more than is needed, but that's just personal preference (if you add Trixie, for example, anywhere other than simple mention in the speech between characters, the quality will also dip heavily in my eyes. This is a Twilight, Celestia and an epic godly power's story and that's what makes it interesting.)
1666543
Fuck no. If I was writing Twixie, Trixie would be tagged as a main character by now. Not gonna happen, trust me. There may be some minor interaction with Rarity in the near future, but the Mane Six are going to play very minor roles in this, ideally. (writing this drunk, so if it's overly belligerent/ unreadable... sorry about that :L)
1666605 Not at all, friend, perfectly legible. Got an eta for the next chapter or do you run by a "done when its done" policy?
Very nice. I'm liking Terminus as a complicated and REALISTIC antagonist. One of the few times I've seen Twilight 'seduced by the dark side' in a story that doesn't make me want to headdesk.
Damn, this isn't even 10k words and yet, it speaks volumes.
I'm definitely keeping an eye on this one. +1 Thumb and Fave. Keep this quality up and i'll have no choice but to add a watch!
Twilight gaining powers from a eldritch entity and Twilestia?
Next chapter will be awesome.
And twi has a crush on Celestia.
O Twi I didn't know you were into that! Don't worry, your secret is safe with me.
Well well, Update Featured, eh Sunder? Well done!
Now I've gotta go poke Elec about updating The Invisible Road :V.
1738681
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