And then there's this asshole.
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Redemption is rarely the end of the story. Princess Luna was given another chance, saved from an eternity of darkness by a lone unicorn. Without Twilight Sparkle, the world will tremble before the mare who rocked the world with her betrayal in days long past.
Winner of the Second TwiLuna Contest
Featured on May 18, 2014
Featured on EquestriaDaily September 11, 2014
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*see's new TwiLuna fic*
*gets excited*
*see's no Romance genre tag*
*gets confused*
Eh. I'll read it anyways.
A random use of the capital R is present within the word: Rule. Also the use of 'Had would render this statement a question, if you may, please change it to a comma, remove 'had' entirely.
Now if this is internal thought, then perhaps the use of speech marks of quote marks would be preferable, because the use of a comma in that exact location is grammatically incorrect. The orange is where I have made my own personal corrections.
Bit of a strange one, I know. But the use of the word 'was' is actually incorrect, a use of the word 'were' is required in it's place I'm sorry to say. It is a common mistake, even among skilled authors such as yourself.
Small spelling error here. As you can see it makes no sense to remain as 'think' considering what it's meant to be used as. I recommend changing it to 'thinks'
Now this is a very frequent and common mistake, so no need to feel ashamed.When using 'which' (Depending on the context or usage.) you either place a comma just before it or replace it with a 'that' Personally I recommend the comma.
Hind legs is too separate words.
As is cannon fire.
Hoof prints is too separate words.
Edit: Sorry, accidentally sent it off before I actually wanted it. (The fiction is still very good by the way) All these mistakes (To be entirely honest.) very small and most would skip over them without a second glance. Well, I'll be on my way. Your fiction was a pleasant read. A moderate 8/10 from yours truly.
Good day.
4407734 Your name is entirely accurate, thank you for pointing those out
Bit dark but a good read, certainly the wrath of a goddess is one to be feared.
... Wow.
I was not expecting this story to be so... Dark. Silly me, I saw the dark tag, and totally ignored it. Very well done. A fine sad tale to make me cry before I went to sleep tonight. Now to go read something happy...
God, that was...hard to read. Real hit in the feels. It's not the first time I've seen a fic like this but this is certainly one of the better executed ones. Excellent work.
Wow, now that was a fantastic story. Very well written, especially the characterization. Dark but in a very believable way.
The reveal of Twilight's fate was a punch to the gut. Luna's reaction was... easy to sympathise with, I think.
On a technical note, your writing style is very powerful and evocative. I like the world-building details you sprinkled throughout as well, especially the use of weather as a siege weapon.
this was beautiful fucken sad but beautiful
Not bad at all! Very powerful, if a little patchily written at times. Still, awesome story. Have a fave.
Gave me shivers and goosebumps. I loved it! The retribution was epic and poetic both, and that ending, wow.
Too much. I mean, the stars—really? Well, I won't downvote. But it was too much. I certainly can't upvote.
I don't know what it is about your style, but there is something in the way you write that simply oozes and emanates the baroque. You write dark beautifully, and I cannot wait to see how you write other genres. I loved this, and you, fine sir, have earned yourself yet another follower.
4407734
Actually, 'was' is correct here. The word 'that' in the second part of the sentence refers back to "Twilight was inexperienced." I can see why you might think it should be 'were', but "in Royal matters" is a prepositional phrase, and therefor cannot be a subject.
4415324 Oh. Well thank you for correcting me.
That was really great.
Yow.
Oh, I quite liked this story; all the right emotions were in there: anger, hope, disgust, and sorrow. I would recommend it to anyone, and I wouldn't want to ruin the experience with spoilers. Just read the story if you haven't!
Here by way of PP's blog post, and well...
The Luna bits and the pony warfare bits were suitably awesome, but once the backstory setup was fully revealed the story pretty much lost me. Maybe in a more medieval setting I could buy the gryphon Crown Prince doing what he did, but in the world as presented with Equestria as the clear military and magical superpower, all he was doing was begging for his country to be burnt down around him. Unless he and his entire kingdom were living under a rock he had to know they had a navy and air force that could freely sail and fly over and pound his city into rubble given sufficient motivation, and that doesn't even count what Celestia or Luna could apparently do. And in spite of all that, he just goes ahead and beats and rapes Equestria newest princess to death anyway? The international politics don't make any sense, and it kind of ruined the story for me.
In complete fairness, the precise details of what happened to Twilight probably didn't help my enjoyment of the story given that she is far and away my favorite character in the show. I had a feeling something like that was coming given the description and PP's recommendation, so it may have made me come into the story more critical than I otherwise would have been. So, no downvote, but no upvote.
4585062 sorry you feel that way. I tried to portray the underworld less as a royal who would think through the consequences of his actions, and more of a spoiled princeling who can't see beyond "I want this so it should be mine." I also wanted his father to come across as opposed to his sons actions, but unable to completely stop him because he is the heir to the throne. By the time he stops him, it is too late.
As for Twilight, she is my favorite character too, and what happened to her was every bit as painful for me as it was for you.
Also here via PP. Wow. This is pony revenge porn turned up to 11. I'm not trying to say that dismissively; this is impressive in its intensity.
This story feels kinda incomplete. It's a story of loss and the consequence of it, right? What we see is Luna taking her revenge, but that's such a short snapshot of her that we really can extrapolate what will happen to her after some time has passed. How has she changed? Will she continue to become the primary figure head of Equestria? Will she be feared? Losing everything that she's worked up to that point? Right now it just reads like a revenge piece. I mean, this isn't a story about the death of Twilight, at least that's how I understand it. It's the 'destruction' of Luna.
Anyway, it's well written, good atmosphere. Good read.
4609790
Kind of.
Alas, revenge does nothing good for anyone.
Luna blames the griffin, probably rightly, for the death of Twilight, but then dooms thousands (maybe I exaggerate) for refusing to turn over one of their own (prince?). Sure, he did it, but the fact is that if Twilight had done something horrible Luna would not have turned her over to almost certain execution. She is perpetuating injustice because of an injustice.
Also, making the messengers suffer and locking them up is hardly fair or reasonable behavior. Probably they were compelled to do it because no one else would. So is murdering those only doing their duty (i.e. the griffons who would keep her from murdering the underlord) and her treatment of the overlord is unnecessarily cruel and, at some level, very unjust.
4986838
Well, right, hence the revenge "porn". Its appeal is in savoring vengeance while overlooking the things that are problematic about it, just like porn's appeal is in idealized fantasy sex.
WOW.
Interesting story...and the Griffin Prince SOOOO DESERVED THAT!!!!!!!
He raped Princess Twilight Sparkle.....I would of done a lot worse and prolonged his sufferings.
But destroying and entire Griffin City....not so much.
But if that happened it's safe to say NO ONE would ever mess with equestria again for centuries.
I just wish some of Twilight's friends where there....or at least their reactions be known.
I know at least Rainbow Dash would demand to be part of the siege along with Apple Jack.
Very potent story, not the kind of ending I prefer but in this instance, it was very satisfying.
4986838
Yeah, but I don't believe Twilight would have done something that evil. If it came to it and a similar demand was made of her, it seems more likely to me that she would turn herself over instead. She'd protect her citizens, not let them be sacrificed for her.
4585062 There is a great difference between knowing that a world power has unimaginable military might and the belief that they would use it against a fool no matter how vile the fool acts. How appropriate that this comment is made on 9/11. I shall leave it at that.
4989106 Hey, like I said I didn't downvote, I am entirely willing to believe that my opinion is off target. No need to scold me for it like that.
4989185 Hey, it's not a scold. It's faint praise, if nothing else. You will never go broke underestimating the stupidity of most of mankind, particularly the ones who get a little power and think they're king of the pond. I would imagine griffons are similar.
4989328 Come on, Georg. Do we really need to get into an in-depth analysis of the differences between the gryphon nation as presented in this story and the terrorists that perpetrated 9/11? A more apt comparison would be one of the English royal family princes kidnapping and murdering the president's wife or something along those lines. An actual head of state (or representative thereof) committing the crime using the military resources of his country to facilitate the kidnapping, as opposed to a bunch of terrorists living in caves in Afghanistan.
And to address the larger issue, once one or more superpowers were established on the international stage, nobody who is an actual representative of a country has laid a metaphorical finger directly on them. Side fights, proxy wars, even the occasional terrorist attack, sure, but surely everyone has noticed that the US has not had WW3 with Russia or China, and North Korea, crazy crazy North Korea has done nothing but rattle their sabers for 50+ years.
(Of course, since I wrote this comment immediately before falling asleep and then edited and published it at 4 am, there's probably some obvious, glaring examples that're going to make me look like a big giant idiot. But, eh.)
And everyone died ever after.
The end.
So why didn't Twilight teleport away from the city? In lot of fics, Twilight is laways killed by things that shouldn't even be able to scratch her. She is an alicorn and great magic user. It would be peace of cake to get herself away. There is teleportation, illusion spells, want it need it spell :), and lots and lots of other spells. She could teleport herself and her guard away and mask themself as griffons or she could change attacking griffons to oranges. :D. I don't like fics that make Twilight totaly incapable of defending herself because it's needed for the story.
And i forgot about Discord. He wouldn't let Twilight die.
Killing Twilight Sparkle seems to be the way to piss of Equestria in these story's when it should be one of the harder things to do. She could teleport or even fly away if things got tough unless the Griffon Palace was proofed against magic which would bring her and her guards down to manageable levels. And she isn't a warrior so without magic she is a easy target. And with Equestria being a peaceful kingdom for so long I could see the Griffons attempting to throw there weight around and even hoping to get away with killing her with a token attempt at compensation for her death. And I honestly think that most likely things got out of hand before Twilight was killed. A good bet bloodlust took over after Twilights guards fought back effectively and the guards were killed and the Griffons took revenge for there losses on Twilight. They probably meant to capture her at first, but when emotion took over things went downhill and before they knew it she was dead. They probably hoped compensation would be paid and it would be swept under the rug. Things like this may have happened before and possibly Celestia wanting peace would roll over for a token compensation. But this time Equestria didn't roll over. This time they made someone pay. I have a feeling the other nations will fear Luna more than they ever did Celestia.
Someone noted that ambassadors or even nobles are rarely harmed in medieval cultures (and yes, Equestria is essentially a medieval culture, or at best a renaissance era culture). Not true, look to Vlad the Impaler for one. Nailed an Ambassodors hat to his head when he refused to remove his hat. Richard the Lionhearted was seized and held against his will until a ransom was paid on his way home from the crusades. Romans were big on harming ambassadors and in Japan Ambassadors were killed pretty regularly when those who sent them made the host angry. It happens but rarely does anyone fight back because they believe negotiations or just paying the ransom will work.
Very sad story but well written and I for one felt no pity on the Griffons. They committed a crime, attempted to cover it up and get away with pretty pathetic compensation and hoped Celestia would understand or at least forgive. Sadly Celestia wasn't the one who they needed to mollify this time.
Question. Where did the picture come from?
5039132 I googled 'city on fire,' but the picture is a painting of the Great Fire of London in 1666
Personally, I am having a hard time feeling sympathy for Luna (and am feeling it more for the griffins). Personally, I've always a follower of the Taoism of Peter Parker: with power comes responsibility. Murdering thousands, even millions, for the sake of one isn't a responsible use of power. I agree that the responsible parties should've been punished, but a massacre isn't the way to do it. One city isn't the worth the life of one individual (even, and I fully expect to be on the receiving end of tons of hate for this, Twilight Sparkle).
There is hardly a force in nature more frightening - and more capable of utter destruction - than a lover wronged. When that lover has nothing left to live for, they also have nothing left to lose, thus making their rage all the more justifiable, at least to their own mind.
^^This and more was so perfectly captured in this story. Very well written, both technically and stylistically. This one left my jaw on the floor.
Bravo!
5063688
I don't think the point was to feel Luna was justified. It seemed to be that we were to pity Luna's loss, while remaining horrified at the depths of insanity and madness she was driven to. Celestia seems to realize this, and acquiesces because in her destroyed state, she both does not have the will to stand up to Luna's violent frenzy, or the physical capability to stop her should it come to that. In Celestia's mind, if she was to fight her, then it would create another schism and fuel a full Nightmare Moon transformation, pitting Luna not only against Talos but against the majority of Equestria as well. In this situation, Celestia made the only call she felt she could, and let her sister take out her rage on Talos, and after Talos was gone, Luna would have nothing left to destroy and no reason left to do further damage.
The three major points to this entire story, to me, were the emphasis on Luna's utter insanity, Celestia's crippling depression, and the cowardice and ignorance of Talos' leadership. Each was absolute, and once the events started in motion, there was no stopping that train by anyone.
5120620 Interesting point. I don't necessarily agree that it couldn't have been stopped by anyone, but an interesting point nonetheless.
5120620
While I'm not going to say that anybody's opinions about this story are wrong, that being the great thing about reading in that everyone can take something different away from it and it be valid for them, this is spot on to my thoughts as I was writing it.
Again, spot on, with one very minor point about Talos' leadership: for me, it was really about the Underlord's cowardice and cruelty. I tried to convey without outright stating it(which I may have buried too deep, which is why I mention it) is that in Talos, the Underlord has just as much, if nor more power than the Winglord because of his age. Every order from the Winglord has to be carried out with the knowledge that eventually, the Underlord will be Winglord and have absolute power in the kingdom, and anything anygriff did under his father that he didn't like could be punished, especially considering how cruel and petty he is. That is what allows the Underlord to have the time to do what he does to Twilight(in my mind, ever the course of a few days) before his father manages to put a stop to it, which turns out to be too late. In my mind, the Winglord was an honorable griffin who, while he knew his son could be cruel, had no idea how far he would go and assumed he was simply holding Twilight captive. When he discovers his error after Twilight's death, he does his best to honor her by cleaning up her body and sending it back to Equestria for burial(also serving as an attempt to prevent the war he knows would result if his son's crimes are discovered.) When the Equestrian fleet showed up and demanded the Underlord, he felt he couldn't hand him over, because despite what he did the Underlord is still his son and heir to the empire.
Those were my thoughts, at least, as again I'm not trying to correct anybody, just share the author's perspective.
5158981
Glad I got close to your original intent! I got where you were going with the cruelty of the underlord, but tbh I rolled most of Talos together when I broke the story down to it's base elements and factions. There are likely a number of reasons I did this without thinking that could be helpful to note in the future (not that they are problems, merely comments and observations)
Firstly, reader bias is easy to note. When you write fan fiction consisting of both main, canon characters and OC's, the reader is typically going to give more attention to the canon character, unless their perspective is forced. If you inverted this story, focusing on the characters through the eyes of the OC's instead of from the sisters camp, they would likely have all felt equally important because of that bias. People will read into the actions of characters they know more so than character they don't, allowing you to gloss over some of those points withy the expectation that the reader would read into it on their own. With character they are not previously invested in, you have to use a firmer hand to make their actions seem worthy of introspection, rather than simply an element leading to the "main" characters actions.
Secondly, the city of Talos was largely presented as a whole. It was rare that individuals within Talos were singled out, but rather their actions seemed more an extension of Talos as a singular unit. Sort of how saying "today US troops" or "the president has ordered US troops" gives the general impression the the US as a whole is doing something as opposed to directing attention to the actions of the president himself, or a specific unit of the us military. When individuals from Talos acted, it came across as more the arm or leg of the body moving, rather than an individual doing something of themselves.
Loved the story though, just some things you may want to consider when you have a similar intent in something you're writing later.
Edit: please forgive my phone typing. It burns...
The griffon prince got what he deserved. But Luna also killed thousands of innocents in the process. But are you telling me that he seriously raped and murdered a foreign diplomat/ruler? And not just any diplomat, a freaking Princess of Equestria? The land that controls the sun, the moon, and even changes the seasons? The place that beat the crap out of Discord, Tirek, Sombra, and Nightmare Moon? The place that made the Elements of Harmony and the Crystal heart! Whoever decided that was a good idea must've been really, really high, or maybe braindead. They freaking killed the worlds main defence against evil! Twilight was the one who beat all those villains! And next time one of them shows up, there won't be anybody to stop them doing whatever the heck they want. The griffons have doomed the world.
5063688 Luna knows, and she doesn't care. Twilight was the world to her, and she has nothing left to live for.
5071531
And when the lover wronged is a force of nature then there are issues.
5158981
Just to give you a perspective as a reader. I got the distinct impression that the Winglord didn't condone his son's actions, but there wasn't any indication as to why it was allowed to happen.
That, however, didn't detract from the story. I quite liked how it alternated between the present and the past. At the end of it, I'm left to wonder what will Luna do now.
Yes. I finally got around to reading this, and boy, did I enjoy it. Definitely worthy of the contest win.
Simply amazing. Well worth the win, so congratz on that.
I really admire the way you built this, jumping from one to the other. It was really evocative, and drew the reader in further and further as we find out what drove Luna to such madness.
I really sympathize with Luna though. I mean, it must be hard for an immortal alicorn to find love, especially with the whole "immortal living-forever" thing. And then she meets Twilight, and she falls in love with her, she dares hope that maybe, just maybe Twilight likes her back. I imagine she thought she had all the time in the world to tell her, to be with her, and then bam! Dead Twilight. All of those hopes and dreams and unfulfilled fantasies, crushed in a heartbeat. Luna's salvation, her call back from madness, gone.
And all that is left, is the Nightmare.
While it's certainly a pity that Twilight missed out on the action, I love a good, hard, lengthy siege. Always sends shivers down my spine.
Every time I come across this one-shot I always, without fault, read it. I love it that much
Finally got to reading this and I think it's an excellent story. Though I'd love to see a follow up of what happens to Luna, Celestia, and Twilight's friends, as well as Cadence's view to what happened.