Unbeknownst to all ponies, Octavia also works as an assassin, aside from her cello-playing. When she is assigned the job of assassinating the well-known DJ Vinyl Scratch, she is quick to hunt her down, lest she not complete the job and be severely punished.
However, Octavia finds that her heart actually begins to open up for the mare, and she befriends—something she hasn't done in a while—Vinyl pretty quickly.
Now she is faced with the difficult choice of completing her job of assassinating Vinyl and live, or succumbing to her soft spot for the pony and have both of them die.
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I have noticed that a couple people have said this story is like Assassin's Creed. I have never played the game. I have never seen someone else play the game. I have never even read a description on the game. I have no idea what that game is about, so any similarities between this story and Assassin's Creed are only a coincidence.
Pretty good.
I'm going to watch this while I watch you sleep.
Oh Shit, not another one
Can't wait for the next chapter
Ok, feedback time!
Pro:
*I enjoy this idea. Seems like something out of a movie, and I like that. Octavia, given her personality and proper, high class reflection seems like somepony who could easily resort to assassination and not have to change themselves.
*The writing style is strange, in a good way. First of all: present tense. I don't know about anybody else, but I don't see that too often. And I like it and admire you for it. Also, I don't know, but the simple sentences you write go perfectly with the tone for the story. "Its cold." Its a very vague and attracting sentence. Fits well.
*I like the scenery and little bits of detail you add. You really know how to set a scene. Describing the area so perfectly that, if I were in that very same room, Id feel the exact same things as Octavia. Kudos.
Cons:
* Punishment 2. And Punishment 1. For 2, you made this ENTIRE story sound like a cheap Assassins Creed rip off. Upgrades? Customize? If you're going to rewrite, take that out. When have you ever went inside of a business and people could customize their business suits and upgrade their briefcases? No. You made the story sound INCREDIBLY silly. For Punishment 1, I know what you tried to do, but it still sounds ridiculous. "You have gone against the rules, so now you must killl ponies in a harder way!"
1. If this is a business, or a clan, or what have you that assassinate... why make doing lthe job harder by forcing the "assassins" to use their hooves? it defeats the purpose. They're trying to get a job done. I don't think ANYONE is playing around like that. They need to kill ponies, I presume, for good reasons, not treat their employees like schoolchildren
2. This is also video game like and ruins what you have going. Why not have Punishment 1 punishments be something bad but not cheesy, like bathroom duty, or something? You know?
*There are some things that I simply CANNOT picture Octavia thinking, as I'm.sure this is her narrating. Here's an example: " Why, if we weren’t the middle of a crowded street I might just take out my hidden knife and slice their necks." What? would a highly trained assassin really have that much impulsivity? Would somepony as refined as OCTAVIA MELODY really think some or do that simply because she is bothered by some pony who isn't even near her? No. She wouldn't. Don't try too hard to turn Octavia into a menacing assassin. We've read the description. We know that she's already one. Sometimes we don't need to be reminded about how "dangerous"she is.
Well, that's just my two sense... I hope this feedback proved helpful! Also, ignore the spelling and grammar mistakes... stupid iPod...
-Cyneryk
i like this a lot. A nice spin on Octavia.... Please keep it up...
4412775 Well, if it's too much like Assassin's Creed, that's purely a coincidence, because I have never played that game in my life, so I really don't know what it's about (though I suppose I can take a guess from the title).
And as for Octavia being out of character, there's the alternate universe tag for a reason.
But thanks a lot for your feedback. It's much appreciated.
Well... I'll give it a couple chapters before my final decision. Go forth and may God's grace be with you for you are now under scrutiny... don't feel too uncomfortable, I'm pretty easy to please when it comes to fan fiction.
so far it has potential, but I haven't seen enough to tell if its going to be good, i will reserve judgement for now.
So far im really liking the story and I would definitely want to read more
Hmm I like this so far. I thought it was Assassin Creed based but then I saw no crossover tag. So I thought hmm this sounds interesting.
I really like what you did in Octavia's introduction to her character and her ... Job. Very good. I'm interested in reading what happens next. Keep up the good work.
4414072 well first of all assassins creed black flag is an exception, i believe that the story is great with the assins creedy layout, good job!
Octavia as an assassin. Well there's already Octavia as a bounty hunter, and as asecret agent, so I hope this story turns out interesting.
There are, however, other assassin stories, starring Rainbow Dash, Applejack (I think), and one with Apple Bloom (that one sucked). There are others with Rarity and Pinkie Pie, but I can't remember all their names.
I hope you flesh out your secret agency corps, and give a pretty darn good explanation for their apparent lack of morals.
Hope there is some backdoor way out of their predicament, either via Princess(es), diplomacy, or the Mr. & Mrs. Smith way: shooting everything until they're all dead.
Ooh! Mirror Pool clones! That would work.
I'm not really sure what this word is supposed to be,
and you misspelled off as of.
4487181 Thanks for catching those. I probably should get an editor or proofreader, but I'd hate to take up someone's time.
4496640 I'm sure the people at Editors-R-Us wouldn't mind editing.
I am giving it a thumbs up just for the concept alone!
So... Awesome... WHEN'S THE NEXT CHAPTER?