• T You Only Live Twice

    Secret agents Vinyl and Octavia reunite to tackle a threat to Canterlot.  · JohnPerry
    36,476 words · 3,255 views  ·  332  ·  2  · 

Featured In7

More Stories20

  • T You Only Live Twice

    Secret agents Vinyl and Octavia reunite to tackle a threat to Canterlot.
    36,476 words · 3,255 views  ·  332  ·  2
  • E Trains, Carriages and Airships

    What should be a simple overnight ride turns into a three day trip from hell.
    28,168 words · 12,462 views  ·  549  ·  8
  • T Maybe

    Some ponies never change. Prince Blueblood is one of them.
    7,812 words · 3,031 views  ·  281  ·  3
  • E The Final Quest of Star Swirl the Bearded

    The last journey of an unusual wizard and the role he played in the founding of Equestria.
    64,492 words · 3,180 views  ·  194  ·  2
  • E Rest Stop

    At a rest stop on her way to Appleloosa, Twilight Sparkle has a rare moment to reflect...
    5,836 words · 10,692 views  ·  225  ·  3
  • T When the Curtain Falls

    An incident in a Manehattan theater quickly draws secret agents Vinyl Scratch and Octavia into a hunt for a strange killer.
    36,535 words · 2,241 views  ·  254  ·  4
  • T The West Is Not Enough

    Secret agents Vinyl Scratch and Octavia find themselves locked in an epic struggle against a ruthless group of outlaws in the wild west.
    29,047 words · 2,430 views  ·  313  ·  6
  • T The Wreck

    A.K. Yearling is haunted by dreams of a shipwreck...
    13,126 words · 716 views  ·  121  ·  1

Blog Posts188

  • 1w, 2d
    Well, that was fun

    So now that things have calmed down a bit and the dust has settled, let’s talk about what just happened here.

    I’ve been teasing the idea of doing some sort of second-person HiE clop trollfic for a while now, and it’s mainly because of the Suffer series. After reading so much clop on the feature box, grumbling over its tired clichés and tropes, and idly wondering what gets into the box and why, the allure of trying it for myself became irresistible. Just for a moment, I would cast aside any pretenses of quality or respectability and shamelessly embody “The Player” that I had spoken of.

    I mean, come on. If I’m gonna keep talking about this stuff, I might as well try it for myself, right? Plus there was just the fun of poking fun at all these easily mockable tropes. Good times!

    When I posted the fic, there were three things I was hoping for:

    1) Get on the feature box. Check. (Though this was mainly so that I could…)

    2) ”Suffer” my own story. Check. (This was the most important one to me. When all is said and done, I have a feeling that the crowning achievement of the Suffer series will have been the excuse to utter the phrase “The Feature Box Suffers John Perry.”)

    3) And finally: Force RainbowBob to suffer my story. Ch– Oh. Hmm.

    Well, two out of three ain’t bad! There were also a couple of things to come out of this story that I hadn’t expected, but that I loved: one was finding out that Sethisto had read it, and the other was seeing this fic get more downvotes than the rest of my stories combined.

    Actually, let’s talk about those downvotes for a moment. I have literally never seen a worse upvote/downvote ratio in the feature box than my fic. I’ve been told 1 to 1 has happened in the past, and I believe it, but the worse I had personally witnessed was in the ballpark of 2 to 1 (2 upvotes to 1 downvote). When my fic was in the box, it was around 1.8 to 1. (As of writing, it’s dropped down to around 1.4 to 1.)

    And I love it. While it doesn’t exactly speak well to the mechanisms of the feature box that such a poorly received fic managed to remain in the box, I can’t help but take heart in the fact that so many people saw this premise and immediately went “NO.” Which isn’t to say that everyone who downvoted it did so without reading it; there were plenty of people who went in expecting clop and were disappointed to be reading a trollfic, or who were put off by the overt crudeness of the fic (fair enough; it definitely isn’t for everyone). But there were undoubtedly a lot of people who downvoted on sight, probably without realizing what this thing was.

    And to be fair, it looks like a clopfic from the cover. Most people on FIMFiction wouldn’t recognize my name, and if you don’t know any of my other work (namely the Suffer series) there’s probably no way you could have known that it was meant in jest.

    So kudos to those who tried their darndest to keep this blatant piece of feature bait off the feature box. But I think what we’ve learned is that downvoting en masse is a terrible way to try to keep something off the box. It might be more effective to just ignore it and hope it falls off the box due to lack of “heat”.

    So now that that’s over with, I return to my normal suffering of the feature box. I’ve had my fun, and now I’m at least one step closer to understanding the strange mistress that is the feature box.

    A big thank you to all you guys for indulging me in my insanity. Kudos all around!

    12 comments · 279 views
  • 1w, 4d
    The Feature Box Suffers John Perry

    12 comments · 340 views
  • 1w, 4d
    SEX! ...And now that I have your attention: SEX!!!

    You know, after you read enough clop in the feature box, re-reading the same tropes and even what feel like the exact same lines over and over again, at some point you start thinking, "Well, shit. I could do this."

    So, uh... I did it.

    Okay, strictly speaking, it's a clopfic parody, but make no mistake: there's clop. And if you're not feeling too squeamish, I would be most appreciative if you could drop whatever you're doing, right this second, and read/like it. If you like, you can think of it as one of my Suffer reviews of a clopfic... but much longer and in the form of a story.

    Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present my single greatest piece of feature bait...

    Rainbow Dash Gets You Laid

    (Link goes to my recent stories page, since this might be too hot to link directly to in a blog!)

    In other news, in case you haven't already seen it, the Royal Canterlot Library did an "Ask Us Anything" post to celebrate the group's first anniversary, and we got a lot of great questions. Some of them are specific to the RCL, although there were some questions addressed more to the individual curators, so if you want to see more ramblings from me, along with noted reviewers Chris, Present Perfect, and horizon, go check that out.

    But you know, after you read the clopfic, obviously.

    8 comments · 228 views
  • ...

One is a cellist playing at Canterlot's most elite parties. The other is a DJ-for-hire looking to make the big time. Both are secret agents. And together they'll team up to take down a powerful baked goods cartel.


Now with theme music, courtesy of The L-Train!


Proofread by the fantastic RTStephens. The cover image is courtesy of Gen-Jack-Oneill on deviantART, who graciously gave me permission for its use.

First Published
10th Aug 2012
Last Modified
14th Sep 2012
#1 · 114w, 5d ago · 1 · · Mob Rules ·

I see a reference to that old Life cereal commercial in there.

Good job with this. Didn't notice any errors.

#2 · 114w, 5d ago · · · Mob Rules ·

Hurray! This is turning out to be a fun story to read. I love the concept and the humorous bits add that extra spice to make this so memorable.

Strap in folks. We're in for a ride.

#3 · 114w, 5d ago · · · Mob Rules ·

Watching this.

#4 · 114w, 5d ago · · · Mob Rules ·

Looks promising, keeping an eye on this one.

Also, I award you five Internet Points for the Jurassic Park reference. Congratulations, now I feel old. :ajsleepy:

#5 · 114w, 5d ago · · · Mob Rules ·

Nice, looking forward to where this is going :D

#6 · 114w, 5d ago · · · Mob Rules ·

"She quickly spotted her query in the middle of the room."

I think you mean quarry.

Aside from that, looking most intriguing so far. Definitely looking forward to more.

#7 · 114w, 4d ago · · · Mob Rules ·

It's both comedic and not at the same time, but manages not to forget either side. Well done!:twilightsmile:

Loved the humour. Anti-artificial light medication, Flim and Flam, clubbing and headbanging and, of course, TAKE THAT, Upper Crust and Jet Set!

The funny is not all-permeating, but when it hits it strikes home. Well done, once more.

#8 · 114w, 4d ago · · · Mob Rules ·

Not bad, not bad at all. Definitely looking forward to more. :moustache:

#9 · 114w, 4d ago · · · Mob Rules ·

>>1061315  I can't believe it's been almost 20 years since that film came out. :rainbowderp: One of my first memories is seeing that in the movie theater.  What's really sad though is that in all that time, no one else has been able to make dinosaurs look convincingly realistic. :ajbemused:

>>1061680  Ooh, thanks for catching that! :twilightsmile: That one is particularly confusing, given that 'quarry' also means a rock pit. :rainbowlaugh:

#10 · 114w, 4d ago · · · Mob Rules ·

No. Anything but Flim and Flam. I hate those two with a major passion.

However, the overall theme for this just popped into my head the first time I read that you were going to write this *Doesn't remember if any details were given at that time*.

I like this. I like this a lot. At first, I was thinking that this was almost going to be like The Darkness, but this is truly an original story in my opinion.

Look forward to more! You've got some real understanding for literature!

#12 · 113w, 4d ago · · · Paradise City ·

I still chuckle at that Alcatrotz line. :rainbowlaugh:

#13 · 113w, 4d ago · · · Paradise City ·

Great story, I clearly love reading these types of stories, btw great job.:ajsmug:

#14 · 113w, 4d ago · · · Paradise City ·

Awesome story so far. Can't wait to see your interpretation of Con Mane.

#15 · 113w, 4d ago · · · Paradise City ·

THIS I've gotta' see.  *starts reading*:trixieshiftleft:

#17 · 113w, 4d ago · · · Mob Rules ·

And the Blues Brothers quote nearly made me laugh ice coffee out my nose.

#18 · 113w, 4d ago · · · Paradise City ·

Now we have the James Bond ref :)  Mane, Con Mane :)

#19 · 113w, 4d ago · · · Mob Rules ·

"Octavia took her seat opposite Vinyl.  “You know, you really shouldn’t use my actual name, shortened or otherwise,” she muttered in an undertone.

Vinyl cocked an eyebrow at the grey mare.  “Octavia!  Octavia!  We’ve got Octavia here!”"


#20 · 113w, 4d ago · · · Paradise City ·

I love you for using San Francisco in this.  First time I've seen it done.

#21 · 113w, 4d ago · · · Mob Rules ·

“Are you the cops?” she muttered.

“No ma’am, we’re musicians.

...oh COME ON! ...that's GOTTA be a Blues Brothers reference... yes?

#22 · 113w, 4d ago · · · Paradise City ·

xD Oh dear I think I might like dis one! :twilightsmile: :twilightsmile:

#23 · 113w, 4d ago · · · Mob Rules ·

Awesome start. And nice Jurassic Park reference.

#24 · 113w, 4d ago · · · Paradise City ·

The orange mare and Con Mane were at the Equestrian cafe eating ashy salad and already following our heroes. Whoop de doo look at how observant I am. :pinkiecrazy:

#25 · 113w, 4d ago · · · Paradise City ·

...and here I thought Con Mane was fictional-fictional!:rainbowderp:

Ah, whattheheck, we have tons of stories of canon characters interacting with female!Indiana Jones, we sure can have some people hanging out with James Bond!:rainbowkiss:

#26 · 113w, 4d ago · · · Paradise City ·

Such a hurricane of puns at the beginning.

Carrot Top and Donut Joe/Con Mane are secret agents too, it seems. I wonder who they're working for, though.

#27 · 113w, 4d ago · · · Paradise City ·

Come on....give me a Blue Brother's reference....

#28 · 113w, 4d ago · · · Paradise City ·

>>1107325 Thank you! I don't know why I haven't seen it before, but I love that city and really wanted to make use of it. :pinkiehappy:

>>1107519 Eeyup. :eeyup:

>>1108037 Err, no - that was Upper Crust and Jet Set in the cafe.

>>1109351 There is one. See above. :raritywink:

#29 · 113w, 3d ago · · · Paradise City ·

>>1109378 I saw the art! :pinkiehappy: Now only if there's one in the actual that would be awesome....

#30 · 113w, 3d ago · · · Paradise City ·

>>1110052 No, no...I mean see above in the comments. Someone already pointed out the Blues Brothers reference in the text of the story.

#31 · 113w, 3d ago · · · Paradise City ·

A really nice story so far. Can't wait to read on.

#32 · 113w, 3d ago · · · Paradise City ·

>>1110586 I must of missed

#33 · 113w, 3d ago · · · Paradise City ·

I like that.:eeyup:

#34 · 113w, 3d ago · · · Paradise City ·

I like

#35 · 113w, 3d ago · · · Paradise City ·

Sutro tower cameo! Are you an sf0 player, perchance?

#36 · 113w, 3d ago · · · Paradise City ·

Pretty awesome. I'm liking the Miami Vice sorta thing going on :ajsmug:

BTW reppin' San Fransiscolt XD

#37 · 113w, 3d ago · · · Paradise City ·

>>1114423 Nope. I've just visited and love the city. :twilightsmile: Though I'll have to look into this sf0 now...

#38 · 113w, 2d ago · · · Paradise City ·

Can't tell if "Me, an agent in Her Majesty's Secret Service!" is a reference to On Her Majesty's Secret Service or not...

Oh well. Plus or minus one reference makes little difference in this Who's Who of 'em. This is fun! Favorited!

#39 · 113w, 2d ago · · · Paradise City ·


Yay! More people should play. It's a fantastic game.

#40 · 113w, 2d ago · · · Paradise City ·

next part please

#41 · 113w, 1d ago · · · Paradise City ·

Hmmm got here from EQD, can't read it at the moment but I'll fav it to check it out later :)

#42 · 112w, 5d ago · · · Paradise City ·

Awesome story! I enjoyed reading every second of it, and I can't wait for the rest of it to be released :)

#43 · 112w, 5d ago · · · Paradise City ·

Man, I'm absolutely loving this story.  As the EQD pre-reader said, it's handled very well - It feels serious, yet somehow light-hearted at the same time.  Can't wait for more!

And this,

“Forced entry, it’s an easy feat...” Vinyl sung to herself as she scanned the inside of the box with her magic"

was one of the most amusing little lines I've ready for a while. :twilightsmile:

#44 · 112w, 4d ago · 1 · · Secret Agent Mare ·

You know the difference between this story and everypony else's?

You make this look good. :raritystarry:

Gotta love how Octy doesn't get the innuendo when searching for their contact. That girl doesn't get out enough.

Cover blown! :pinkiegasp:

#45 · 112w, 4d ago · · · Mob Rules ·


For some reason I keep thinking it's a euphemism for crack.

#46 · 112w, 4d ago · · · Mob Rules ·

Also, I notice a "The Godfather" reference.


good one. You win an internet.

...and a Pinkie Pie. :pinkiehappy:

#47 · 112w, 4d ago · · · Secret Agent Mare ·


#48 · 112w, 4d ago · · · Secret Agent Mare ·

>>1116333  It is. :twilightsmile:

>>1149694 may be actual salt, but you are intended to think of drugs. :twilightsheepish:

>>1149762 CAUSE ME NO LIKE

#50 · 112w, 4d ago · · · Secret Agent Mare ·

Hey, this might be the first story I've seen set in my home town of "San Franciscolt." Awesome!

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