Viking Hoof
Joined 15th Mar, 2013 ·
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That was good, but...
Really?
1,004 words? Is this a joke!?
I mean, if this were the prologue or epilogue I could understand, but 1,004 is not a legitimate chapter!
You get your butt back on your computer right now, mister!
I don't want to see this chapter again until it's at least 2,000 words!
Understood?!
4307881 I shall love you forever and ever because you commented on my story.
Ehhh it's ok I guess. Not your best work, but it's fine.
4310159 I honestly can't get anything right besides Scribble, but I have to keep trying ya'know?
4310460 I understand that feeling completely man.
My ONLY complaint is the briefness of the chapters.
Otherwise, I'm entirely roped into this.
4314512 I'm going to point out that unlike other stories I've managed to write over 5k words in 2 days. This is way more than usual. In all likelyhood I might find I just have to write this way.
4314566
I can't exactly complain. It was a habit for me too.
But regardless, keep it up. This has me hooked.
4314512 I agree , wish the chapters were a tad longer. Otherwise I am hooked
Personally I'd prefer that you used those 5k words to flesh out the story some more instead of speeding through it like you're kind of doing now. Maybe the process of him getting to Equestria, swapping gender and the subsequent reaction, that sort of stuff. Just go a bit slower, your audience will thank you in the end.
4315173 but those are the unimportant bits! (plus I've tried writing the scenes and they turned out really badly.))
4314908 I'll consider it.
4315219
Those "unimportant bits" are the foundation that your story rests on: you can't just chuck the audience into the story and expect them to be okay with it. Already on Chapter 1 you're told that the protagonist has been dragged into Equestria, genderbent and is now facing an imminent marriage? You need to ease people into your story: set the scene nicely and let the action ramp up instead of plonking them in the thick of it.
Ahem. Of course this may be just my opinion...
4315258 some would say that yes, but the arrival is literally the most generic section of any HiE, and plenty of stories get by without it. This story isn't about the main character alone anyway. It's about her falling in love with -classified- and sex
This chapter is freeking gold!!!!
I love this... Please make more!?
It is never good when your vision goes blurry x3
4324825 nope
4325292
Luna: girly, "click" normal, "click" girly, "click" normal, "click" girly, "click" normal, "click" girly, "click" normal, "click" girly, "click" normal, "click".
Celestia: DAMN IT LUNA!
Luna: Heheheheh "runs off giggling"
Not to sound bitchy or anything... But you were using improper terminology for the protagonist's... Dilemma.
Gender is the mental side of things, and is independent from sex, which is what lies between ones legs. Alex hasn't been transgendered, his sex has been changed. Transgender is a mismatch between sex and gender, not a sex change.
Sorry about sounding ranty and such, but it was bugging me. Great story otherwise! I'm looking forward to seeing what comes next!
4326177 would you suggest an alternate term?
Pretty good, you jam a lot off content into a small chapter and still pull it off. My compliments.
4327394 thanks.
4326301 Using the term "gender swap" is probbly best, that being what everyone recognizes and all.
Will the clop continue? It was so short!
But nice, nonetheless.
A few seconds later he was roused and sent back to the kitchen. There were several more "thumps," similar to the one the waiter made when he hit the floor. Was bad breath... I remembered Gilda's reaction to the idea of a chili bacon burger.
Ohh.
This part ^ Right here! I read that, And was like Ohh! And then I read the next line which was "Ohh." And Cracked! I laughed so hard!!!
4328305 it is my first published attempt at clop, and yes the clop shall continue!
4328305
I dare say, That clop was nice but much more endurance I have for this.
LOL! OH gosh his face! Just! "You have internet?! You HACKED MY STEAM ACCOUNT?! WHAT?!
Priceless!!!
And I loved this! Now I have to go find more Gilda Ships!
<.< >.> I'll just be over here waiting for the next chapter --------- >
4328405
4328305
Alex's new body is pretty sensitive. Next time should last longer.
Interesting.
Go on.
4328630
Point made good sir... Well done!
Interesting.
Go on....
I like the part where he wishes for an Earth magician, even though that magician will rob him. Fantastic.
Wait, where the hell did Gilda come from?
4329451 she's the griffon princess, silly.
not bad for your first clop. Love the story, almost as much as I love Scribble.
Why does he/she assume that males are treated poorly in Equestria?
4330407 they don't have political rights if you go purely by the show. They are fewer in numbers too.
4330439
What makes you say that?
4331888 no guys are seen in power that aren't an asshole arrogant blonde blue eyed prick. He's not right anyway.
4331919
Yes that certainly suggests that mares are dominant in Equestria, but it does not prove in any way that stallions or males in general are abused or treated poorly.
He's not right about what?
4331946 his assumption about stallions are wrong.
4332135
Ok then.
From the concept of a male being forced into beig a female, and with everypony being asswholes to him, and the female on female stuff I normal wouldn't read something like this but I giving it a shot now.
Nice work so far.
4334373 thanks. I decided to do things a tiny bit differently. Just a tiny bit. Mostly in that the character is angry that they did it to him, not in actually being in the situation.
4334384 I sure a lot of people would be upset about something like that happening without their say in the matter.