My best friend and I were on our way to New York for a friend of mine's ceremony- then we got into a car accident, we woke up here...changed physically...I...I don't know how this happened...I'm- I'm- scared...
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- Member Since 30th Dec, 2013
- offline last seen Monday
The Infinity Doctor
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The Infinity Doctor
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Alright, now to give my review, as you requested. I'm going to be completely honest, but constructive. Please take this feedback as an opportunity to improve your writing. I wouldn't take this time if I didn't want to help. To put it shortly, it needs a lot of improvement. Grammar is okay, but don't use XXXXX as a section break. It's bulky and distracting. Use something like ---------, =====, ~~~~~, or [ hr ] without spaces. That's what I do.
Now to my critique
First of all, the worst mistake that you have made is to introduce yourself and your girlfriend right at the beginning of the fic (or characters named Max and Mel, but let's face it, this screams self-insert, and writing in first person doesn't help. I will refer to Max as "you" for this reason.) Readers on this site care about MLP, and those who know this is a Portal crossover will be wanting Portal. By introducing yourself and girlfriend so suddenly and talk as if we are expected to already know you two, you lose the reader's interest immediately. I open this story, and I don't see MLP or Portal, just some guy and his GF.
Self-insert is usually bad, because people don't care about two characters they know nothing about. 1st person is not good for beginners, because you associate the character with yourself, the author. Personally, I don't expect readers to give two shi-[buy some apples] about me or who I am, so I don't put myself in my work. If you want a character to be representative of yourself, you need to introduce this character properly. Give us this person's life and personality, strengths and flaws, what do they do for a living, where they live, ect. Only then can we care about them.
Now, you have a lot of telling, and not a lot of showing. I don't need to hear you and Mel saying that you are robots. You need to show it. Explain the transformation in greater detail: loss of senses, different abilities, things like that. You need to describe it more. Where did you go? Why? The why is important. Some fics can get away with not explaining it, like if I were to write a fic where GLaODS and Bender meet and hang out while talking about killing humans (Don't write steal that idea unless you can pull it off well). Since the premise is so interesting, I don't need a reason why it would happen. However, you don't have that luxury. And Max's awareness of Portal and MLP is also a problem. If you are aware that something is fiction, it makes it less real.
Suggestions:
Now, for this, I would suggest changing your tense to 3rd person. That separates yourself from the characters and allows you to develop their flaws more. And if you do 1st person, don't change POV. It really throws the reader off, and if your gonna do it, you better develop different narration styles for each character so it's very clear who's talking. Unless you are a pro, just don't do it.
Limit your dialog. You have enough talking, not enough narration or explaining character's feelings. You need to draw the reader into what's going on with a little bit of detail. No need to go in crazy depth, but you need to paint more of a picture.
Try to keep yourself out of it. Focus on what the reader is actually interested in: MLP and Portal. You need to grab the reader immediately with that. Don't make yourself inexplicably transported to Equestria as testing bots. Don't make Portal fictional. Aperture Science needs to be a real place, and perhaps they've selected the two main characters as test subjects to have their consciousness put into testing robots. Hell, they did it with GLaDOS/Caroline, and even Cave Johnson in a scene that never made it into the game. Who knows, maybe even Wheatley and the other cores were once human too, or Atlas and P-Body. It could happen to Max and Mel. Then make a reason for them to be in Equestria, and give the story some conflict. Meeting talking miniature horses is not a conflict, nor is it interesting to anyone who watches MLP. We've all seen it. There has to be something to make the reader anticipate what's going to happen next. And frankly, you have not done that to me.
I hope this helps. Please heed my suggestions and let me know if this helps you improve your writing. I'm not trying to be hard, but I am honest.
I accept it, my writing isn't that good, I'll try to take some of your advice to heart
4324905
Well, I too just got a pretty big criticism handed to me in that blog post. If I let that get to me, I'd be forced to redo everything. At least you have a fresh start. Well, give some and take some, eh?
i was begining to think this is portal onlyts3.mm.bing.net/th?id=HN.608048153909068964&pid=1.7
What does the extra 'C' stand for?
And now, to wait.
5222912 'Manehattan Cutie Mark Crusaders' Monster Catchers
5222912 You mean the extra 'M'? I'm not sure...we should be finding out soon enough.
Is this going to be continued any time soon?
5475182 Hoping to make an update soon.
5476524 Cool! Thanks for replying.
Ah, so STatS takes no satisfaction from hurting another non-organic. I'm guessing she despises ponies like GLaDOS despises humans.
As for the Author's Note, what are you sorry for exactly?
5490587 A few reasons- I haven't updated in so long, and the chapter was so short. I assumed readers were expecting a longer chapter since I haven't updated this since January.
5491396 Ah. I wasn't going to bug you about it, but that definitely crossed my mind. Take your time, but please not that long.
CONTINUE TESTING! *Plays epic scene of portal 2 coop mode* CONTINUE TESTING!
love itt ;3
lel
Please update soon I would like to read more about my favorite game
do more chapters