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When the Bearers race forth from Ponyville on an official mission, somepony has to take over on their day jobs. For Fluttershy, that's usually Snowflake.
But he's not available right now, so today, it's going to be a Sherman tank.
Don't worry. I'm sure nopony will ever notice the difference.
(Inspired by this story. Rated MC for MetaCrack.)
Now with author Patreon and Ko-Fi pages.
And here's a reading!
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It has arrived in all its glory.
I smell a fad in the works . . .
~The lizardman is afraid
Brace yourselves, it's gonna be a new trend...
Oh, the humanity! What have we unleashed? (And by 'we' I mean all of you other readers who have shamelessly pushed the poor author into such a fit of tragic keyboard hammering that a new feature box story will certainly make everybody forget all about peaches in exchange for posting stories with random mechanical objects as the focus. You should all be ashamed of yourself.)
And 'I swear... the rehab will totally take this time...' is best line
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Dear FIMFic,
I am so very sorry.
Also, it wasn't me. My account was totally hacked. Possibly by Yelpers. Or Gordon Ramsey. One of those.
But even though I never did anything wrong which anyone can prove plus I will never admit to blame in any fashion, I'm sorry anyway. Because it's the American way.
*insincere tears*
And I still never took Adverberol.
Oh dear. What has science done?!
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Three lines I may or may not have left out after some thought, not that I had anything to do with this horror at all.
Having Rarity pop in out of nowhere to declare that out of all the possible punishments, this was the! worst! possible! punishment! Because, you know, the cliche' count just wasn't high enough.
The cheese replacement as desperation attempt to stop Lunacare.
And having that final replacement being described as a better writer than both what it was replacing and the actual author.
I'm tempted to edit. (But gee, then I'm editing someone else's work. How rude!)
ETA: And don't even joke. This will not make the Feature box. It would be just my luck to have this in there at the moment when John Perry recovered enough strength to try another set of reviews, yes... but that's not going to happen.
*pause*
Someone tell me that's not going to happen.
Re-ETA:
Oh, megacrap.
Sweet Jesus, that is awesome. Upvoted!
That's a Sherman Firefly, generally referred to AS a Sherman Firefly, or just Firefly, in order to distinguish it from normal Shermans.
When you just say "Sherman" I imagine the bog-standard model, so if you want me to imagine a long barrelled one you have to call it a Firefly, or possibly a Sherman (17-pounder).
So either edit your work or change the picture, because the status quo is completely unacceptable!
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Don;t tell me: tell Wikipedia, because that's the image they have on primary display for their Sherman entry. However, if you want to point me at a more appropriate image, I'll certainly consider a swap.
*glances at sidebar*
...we have a Tanks group?
Seriously?
This has been a very weird day.
A Sherman tank. At least it wasn't a Panzerkampfwagen VI Tiger Ausf.E. That would be bad.
God fucking damnit...
And I had been doing so well keeping a straight face!
This has been a good day.
Not only do I get a story in the feature box for the first time, but then my favorite author on the site goes and writes this, this GLORIOUS MADNESS, and references something I said in a blog comment in the story.
My brain has now melted and dribbled out my nose onto my loose-hanging tongue. It was delicious.
Incidentally, you apparently write faster than I read. It's kind of frightening, actually.
Blah, I didn't mean to just come here and brag :P Thank you for the story, it was awesomely ludicrous, and thank you for the carnivorous piano line, it really made my night :)
Oh sweet mother of Celestia, Luna, Orion and Templar... I LOVE IT!!
Hmm. Four possibilities:
1. The breezies were in their home dimension and wanted nothing to do with the deathworld that is Equestria.
2. Seabreeze's unending stream of profanity, even in his native Scandinavian-Gaelic gobbledygook, is too vulgar for a Teen rating.
3. The moment breezies even enter the Everfree, they die horrible little faerie-pony deaths (cf. possibility 1.)
4. THE PLOT DEMANDED IT. Further consideration of this is treason by order of
Friend ComputerPrincess Celestia.Yeah, this definitely isn't taking place in your usual continuity.
For the record, the lexicon is one of my favorite aspects of your writing.
"Rainbow Dash, I regret to inform you that your tortoise is haunted."
Chocolate generators, jelly behind triple-strength walls, cages, and bombs. I think the level designers actively hated everyone who played the game by the time they made that one.
As long as none of them are Derpy Hooves, I'm good.
Having read this, I think I've made an important conclusion: all crackfics take place in the same continuity, and it's one of the ones where Discord won. He is clearly narrating this. Thanks for helping me figure that out.
Oh, and if you put hr in square brackets you get a very nice horizontal line, like this:
Isn't that lovely?
Oh, and you have nothing to apologize for.
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i.imgur.com/Frv80A4.png
It's kinda not
The Easy Eight had exactly the same gun as the bog-standard M4
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I have to explain this for everyone else. There is an ongoing running joke among my readership regarding the horrible things I've done to pianos. One piano. This one over here. I am the site's official Piano Murderer. (Also Pony Hitler. Please don't ask.)
Every so often, Daedelean pops up in a blog comment and lets me know how his story about carnivorous pianos is coming along. In his own words from today's version:
So I think if we all offer lots and lots of gentle encouragement, this is gonna get written.
And then he can be Piano Murdering Pony Hitler.
Credit where credit is due.
(Sorry for leaving it out in the main story. I blame the rush. Someone else's rush.)
*glances at top entry in feature box*
However, given that, I'm pretty sure your reputation will survive the field of broken ivory and twisted wire. Much congrats.
This was everything I hoped it would be.
Only you could put worldbuilding in a crackfic.
Kind of disappointed Diamond Tiara didn't show up at all, though. I was waiting for her in the dachshund scene.
And I hope this makes the feature box, I really do.
This is already on the popular stories list. Anyone reckon 2, 3 hours before it's featured?
This is bad -- so terribly terribly bad. I'm pretty sure you broke every single guideline of authorship with this.
And I was laughing the whole way
Ouch.
i.imgur.com/gfNBgSB.jpg
It's magnificent. *sheds a single tear*
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Didn't even take that long.
Which horribly backfires because shockingly the Harrier jump-jet writes even worse than Rainbow Dash, and all of its fanfics still had to be corrected by the unicorn, Twilight Sparkle.
I'd be telling the truth if I told you Georg told me to post this, so I'll instantly shift the blame to Cadence.
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> ETA: And don't even joke. This will not make the Feature box.
Oh ye of little faith.
tomorrowlands.org/images/pony/tank-feature-box.png
Bronies always impress me with their ability to rehash other peoples' ideas, vomiting out dozens of the same story just because the reader-base is too idiotic to tell that it's all the same thing. I've long since noticed that being uncreative is the best way to become popular online.
Good job.
This was concentrated madness in fanfic form.
Glorious concentrated madness.
I salute you, and have added you to my favourite authors list.
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You have found the Secret Moral of the story! Please let me know which Nigerian bank to route your winner's check through and the money will be on the way just as soon as everyone stops believing there's going to be any. Also, if you happen to be American, this is going on your taxes. For last year. Hope you can reach the post office and grab an amendment.
Y'know the true glory of writing this thing? Normally, when I get downvoted, there's a moment of wondering what offended. Why the story didn't work for that reader. What I did wrong. Question marks hover and never quite settle on a place to land unless the voter explains their reasoning, which I actually prefer. Even if I disagree, at least I'll know.
But with this story? Every time a downvote hits the tally, I can shrug and think Yeah, that's about right. Because it's just. that. bad.
You can say nothing more offensive to me than I have wrought by hitting the Submit button on this thing.
I feel like I should apologize for that.
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UNPOPULAR OPINION BUT I AGREE!
*Prepares for backlash*
I AM READY!
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Big Mac was on his lunch break one day, sitting out at the far end of the Feature Orchard with a copy of the Foal Free Press and eating an orange, because while he did not like oranges he did enjoy crushing his enemies between his teeth and stealing their strength to add to his own, when he felt the ground begin to rumble beneath him. An apple fell from the tree he was leaning against and landed on his head, and for a moment he wondered if the time had finally come, and the Great Uprising was upon him, but he soon found the cause of the sudden disturbance. Driving up the path, crushing trees beneath its treads as it went, was a Sherman tank, or possibly a Firefly, if indeed there was any difference between them. Big Mac cursed the fact that he had never gotten that far into his tank studies regimen, and wondered how much expertise he could gain from personal observation before the massive machine crushed him beneath it. He could also have gotten out of the way, but he figured he was going to die eventually anyway and he might never have a better chance to die in so awesome a fashion as this, and he should seize the opportunities life presented to him.
As it happens though, the tank came to a halt right in front of him, robbing him of the chance at the most badass death in Ponyville since Great-Grandpa Apple had stopped a bombing by swallowing the bomb whole. The Sherman, or Firefly, was painted bright yellow, and on its sides were huge butterflies.
Big Mac looked at the tank. The tank looked back at him. A nut rolled out of the cannon barrel, followed by an angry squirrel, who let loose a torrent of what Big Mac could only assume was the most vivid and imaginative litany of squirrel cursewords back down the cannon behind him, and then threw out a piece of paper before returning inside.
Big Mac looked at the paper. It read:
"Big Mac,
I would love to go out with you. Is Saturday night good for you?
Signed, Fluttertank."
Congrats on getting this glorious madness in the featured box, and tyvm for your comment on my story
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I know that feel bro...
I know that feel...
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Let me know if you think of anything I missed. I can still edit.
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Are you trying to convince me, or yourself?
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*kisses Sir Hat right on the lips*
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I've never convinced anyone on the Internet of anything and I'm certainly not going to break my perfect record by starting now.
Convince myself of something... how very silly. I clearly have no choice but to troll myself with unstable pretenses at arguments until I start screaming at myself, delete my own comments, and get myself banned.
I could use some good opening fire gifs to spam myself with.
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You just blather on about stupid, unrelated shit in all of your comments. It seems the autism of bronyhood has taken a liking to you, my friend.
I think you're going to need to write that story about the Grand Piscine General, I'm afraid to say.
I'm with Twilight, mirror pools clearly have a large pool of uses that should be swum in thoroughly. I'm not sure where that came from, I'm pretty sure it just wrote itself.
MacTankshy, OTP (which is significantly different from MacTank, you know).
Angel & Tank rampage? Seems about right, especially with Spike stopping them.
Lunacare is destroying equestrian. Thanks luna.
Okay, I got linked here from Georg's blog post... as somepony that plays World of Tanks, this makes me giggle endlessly. I'm looking forward to this!
I believe the appropriate punishment for writing this fic would be that it becomes better received, and higher rated, than any of your other ones.
...
Yep, that sounds about just.
Edit: congrats on reaching the featured box. That means you're partway there ;)
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It was nice meeting you too. Which of your stories would you recommend that I read first? Background Villain looked interesting, but I'll start with whichever you feel is the best introduction to your style.
Although I admit, TVTropes has made me slightly nervous about anything related to Sonichu.
I see what you did there!
sherman tank?
listen here u lil shit thats an M4A3E8 "Easy Eight" Sherman
Yup, I was right, lactose-intolerance + ice cream == Fluttertank
I regret nothing.
Glorious!
Oh and Estee...?
Yer in the feature box.
You may commence weeping.
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As said below, the image used was the lead one for Wikipedia's entry on the tank model series. If anyone feels they have a more appropriate one, provide a link and I will consider switching out.
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Background Villain is always fun. I enjoyed writing that back in the day. Also, now I feel slightly bad for mocking you for writing this, since branded penguin (a friend of mine) asked me to write a similar one-shot too. I'll be such a hypocrite...
Fun fact: The Harrier's VTOL turbofan engines are designated Rolls-Royce Pegasus engines, which are used in all members of the Harrier family.