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Pastor Pulp

Joined November 2013
66 followers

I'm a sexy general who enjoys generally generaling.

Stories (3)

  • The Manliest Story Ever Conceived
    Iron Will does an assortment of things, all of which lead up to an epic adventure full of beer, boobs, and professional wrestlers.

    1,011 words · 1,408 views · 156 likes · 9 dislikes
  • Wholesome Christian Fanfiction
    Jesus goes to Equestria.
    1,446 words · 1,176 views · 129 likes · 28 dislikes
  • BetaMax in Equestria
    The inhabitants of Ponyville get a BetaMax, and things ensue. MEEESTER I CENSORED IT NO BAN BBY
    1,146 words · 141 views · 13 likes · 9 dislikes

Jesus goes to Equestria. He is not happy.

I'll probably do more of these at some point.

Disclaimer: This story is in no way a shot at Christianity. Really if you read it, it has nothing to do with Christianity.

First Published
22nd Mar 2014
Last Modified
22nd Mar 2014

Comments ( 110 )

#1 · 26w, 1h ago · 11 · 4 ·

Of course, his six pack was one of Jesus's more monumental failures. He always looked down to Hell, jealous of the Anti-Christ's six-six-six pack.

It was at this moment that I realized I'm reading something truly magnificent.

This is good, wholesome learning for Christian children. The "Teen" rating is solid, because you mentioned the Anti-Christ and we all know that good Christians aren't supposed to learn about Hell until they're at least teenagers. The message is wonderful--very rich in educational and spiritual value. If I didn't know better, I'd think I was reading the Bible! :pinkiegasp:

I also thought your depiction of Twilight as an antagonist in this was also a very interesting choice. It's definitely a huge twist to see the implied connection between her and the Anti-Christ because they're both so against Jesus. We both know that Jesus would never give in to temptation, though, and the way he overcame and even ended up giving us a great lesson in true MLP fashion is just a testament to the knowledge that you were truly being spoken to by God and Celestia at the same time when you were writing this. It's like you took consultation from both of them and made the perfect hybrid fic of perfect moral and societal values without losing a single ounce of what makes both of them so important to our lives.

Excuse me while I wipe these tears out of my eyes. It touched me just that deeply. :fluttercry:

#2 · 26w, 1h ago · 13 · 4 ·

Jesus charged forward, but it was too late, he was engulfed in a leech-colored beam of light.

>leech-colored beam of light

fucking plagiarism

other than that, this was glorious

I want to cum inside leech jesus

#3 · 26w, 1h ago · 6 · 2 ·

Jesuskinesis

#4 · 26w, 1h ago · 3 · 2 ·
#5 · 25w, 6d ago · 4 · 2 ·

I bow to you, good sir, because you have outdone my own 'Jesus in Equestria' story.

Good show. :moustache:

#6 · 25w, 6d ago · · ·

well, that was something.

#7 · 25w, 6d ago · 12 · ·

I wanted to leave a comment, but then I realized no words I could type could possibly deserve a place in the comments section of this story, so I will just leave you a mustache. :moustache:

#8 · 25w, 5d ago · 5 · 1 ·

Oh god, just the title told me I MUST read this one

#9 · 25w, 5d ago · 5 · 1 ·

WHAT TEH FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU GLORIOUS BASTARD! :pinkiecrazy: :rainbowkiss:

#10 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

I take much offence to this! How dare you bash my religion! Celestism is not a dumb name! May the all powerful Leech Goddess punish you :trollestia:. . . :facehoof: You know what? I'ma shutting up now. Have a nice day, and congrats on the wonderfully entertaining tail ... and the story wasn't bad either. :facehoof: Yeah, okay, I'm really shutting up now.

#11 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·
#12 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

This is so blasphemous, I can't even.

#13 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

I.... What..... Ok then...

#14 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·
#15 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

Eh, you never disappoint...:pinkiecrazy:

#16 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

I laughed. I cried.

Thanks, Chaz, for making me feel again.

#17 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

>>4119845

I'd like to feel you.

#18 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

They should make this into a Sunday School lesson. I can see it now...

Teacher: "Now what did we learn today, boys and girls?"

Kids (all at once): "Celestia is actually a giant leach and Jesus bathes in Dr. Pepper!"

#19 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

>>4119799

God will zap you with lightening.

#20 · 25w, 5d ago · 3 · ·

>>4119906

Prove it, faget

#21 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

>>4119901

I said that, and I'm a Christian.

I think I hear thunder.

#22 · 25w, 5d ago · 1 · ·

I came here to read some wholesome Christian fanfiction. What I got was a load of crap. Sorry sir, but I did not enjoy this garbage in any way...

#23 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

Not saying it wasn't funny. The 666 pack got me good. But the deceptive title  was a turnoff for me

#24 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

>>4120451

Sorry sir, but I did not enjoy this garbage in any way...

Not saying it wasn't funny. The 666 pack got me good.

So you liked it, but you hated it.

By the way, I figured the disclaimer in the description might indicate that this was not, in fact, Wholesome or Christian.

It was Fanfiction though 1/3 ain't bad.

#25 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

I can see this is totally not serious so I'm going to chill. I'm on the edge of downvoteing though.

I got a few chuckles:pinkiecrazy:

Yet there was some stuff that still rubbed me the wrong way. Namely about God interfering in free will and such but thats more of a pet peeve as actually portraying the complexity of an omnipotent being trying to maintain free will is like next to impossible in less than a book.

#26 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

>>4120767

Also God, in this story, is a humble lifeguard.

You'd be hard pressed to find an omnipotent lifeguard.

#27 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

>>4120774 lol did not catch that.

#28 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

Upvoted entirely in the hopes that I covered for some butthurt dummy downvoting it 'cause they got made about the title.

#29 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

Hey, talk to the author of this story.  http://www.fimfiction.net/story/170851/heil-super-friends and combine your story with his story to create the best story ever to grace FIMFIC.

#30 · 25w, 5d ago · 2 · ·

Who's downvoting comments? God will blast the haters. Just like back in the ancient times! :pinkiecrazy:

#31 · 25w, 5d ago · · ·

>>4119901

We already knew all that, though. It's not like this is revealing anything new.

It is, however, packed from start to finish with 100% guaranteed revelation. :pinkiehappy:

Sci
#32 · 25w, 4d ago · · ·

Even though this story was a little religionist (is that the right word? doubt it:facehoof:) I found it funny because it was so random with the leeches and Danny Phantom title sequence reference:rainbowlaugh:

#33 · 25w, 4d ago · 2 · ·

There was a great big flash and everything had changed, his molecules got all rearranged.

When Jesus woke up he realized he had leech-colored hair, and glowing leech eyes. He could suck on blood, disappear, and fly, he was much more a leech than the other guys. It was then that he knew what he had to do, he had to de-leech himself and beat Celeechia's crew. He's here to fight, for me and you!

I...I....I.....thank you

#34 · 25w, 4d ago · · ·

Most sacrilegious thing I have ever read.

I don't see how you could write this...in your right mind. This really sickens me.

:raritycry: :fluttershbad: :applecry:

#35 · 25w, 4d ago · · ·

>>4120659 are you a cristian how do you know jesus drinks Dr Pepper instead of mr.pibb Just saying he may be a pepsi fan or a coke fan  :rainbowhuh:

#36 · 25w, 4d ago · · ·

>>4120976 i would love to see a god vs. hater fight. that would be intresting mlp fan fic

#37 · 25w, 4d ago · · ·

>>4119726 he is putting down 2 religons cristian and celestia

#38 · 25w, 4d ago · · ·

needs more sacrilage...

#39 · 25w, 4d ago · · ·

>>4123662 ... What be this Cristian thou speakest of?

#40 · 25w, 4d ago · · ·

>>4123893 look it up

#41 · 25w, 4d ago · · ·

>>4123901 Yeah, okay, I was joking. Cristian is very common boys name. If you refering to Christianity, then you must learn to spell it

#42 · 25w, 4d ago · · ·
#44 · 25w, 4d ago · · ·

I almost skipped this one because I'm an Atheist. I'm glad I didn't. That was magnificent, and not too much more outlandish than some Bible stories that a lot of Christians claim to be true. I leave you with an insane Pinkie, you magnificent bastard.:pinkiecrazy:

#45 · 25w, 4d ago · 1 · ·

i dont know what just happened, but it was glorious!:derpyderp1:

#46 · 25w, 4d ago · 2 · ·

>>4123606

*shrug, I got bored and drank a lot of Dr.Pepper at 4:00am, seemed like the right thing to do.

>>4123646

Excuse me? I've been studying Jesus's soda habits for centuries.

#47 · 25w, 4d ago · · ·

>>4124556 umm jesus seems more like coffee person. :unsuresweetie:

#48 · 25w, 4d ago · · ·

>>4124622

Then you don't know Jesus.

#49 · 25w, 4d ago · · ·

>>4124650 I GO TO CHURCH SO DON'T YOU DARE SAY I DON'T KNOW JESUS YOU DERP FACE  :flutterrage: :flutterrage: :flutterrage: :flutterrage: :flutterrage: :flutterrage: :flutterrage:

#50 · 25w, 4d ago · · ·

>>4124657

I don't believe it for a second.

You may go to church, but I'm a Pastor.

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