Safe for Television
It was a brisk Sunday morning, the Space Babies were flying overhead, beautiful Robins were screaming hate-speeches in thick Austrian accents, and Jesus, the main character, was picking beets from his beet tree. Jesus loved beets. He loved their hard, crunchy, tooth-shattering texture. He loved their bland, flavorless aura, and the disgusting bugs that caked every beet he picked. Jesus loved borsht, the weird, mashed beet dish that his favorite people, the Russians, had stolen from one of the lesser countries bordering it.
Jesus loved the Russians, he loved them more than any other humans on the planet. It was almost exactly like Heaven in some ways, because Heaven is a Communist nation. Everyone is given to equally, save for him and his father, who got like, fifty percent of Heaven's tax dollars. Heaven has crazy high taxes, but honestly, how else were they going to pay for the electricity, water, cable, ect? What, you think Jesus pays for it? On a carpenter's salary? Haha no.
Jesus wiped the sweat from his brow, and rubbed a cold bottle of Dr.Pepper on his manly, toned chest. He shuddered at the sensation of the chilly beverage rubbing along his six pack. Of course, his six pack was one of Jesus's more monumental failures. He always looked down to Hell, jealous of the Anti-Christ's six-six-six pack.
"Whatever,"huffed a pouty Jesus,"at least I get Verizon fios, ole' anti has to deal with Time Warner."
After reassuring himself with the fact that cable sucks in Hell(seriously, you can't even change the channel because all of the remotes are on fire) and totally rules in Heaven, he decided that now would be the perfect time to go watch some television. Sure, it was what he'd been doing for the past sixty-thousand years, but honestly he'd pretty much done everything there was to do in Heaven. So he strolled into his cute, pink house, put on a fluffy pink bathrobe, and climbed into his bathtub full of Dr.Pepper. He needn't strip of course, because in Heaven, soda doesn't make you wet or sticky, you just get to sit in delicious bubbly goodness with none of the earthly consequences.
Jesus then grabbed his pink, gummy remote, and turned on his 1080p four hundred inch flat-screen TV. He immediately pressed the "guide" button and closed his eyes. Jesus liked to flip randomly through the guide and watch whatever he happened to click on. So he did just that, flipping though the channels at the speed of light. Then, he suddenly stopped and opened his eyes, his senses immediately being overloaded by the bright colors and happy rainbows on the screen, ironic since he deads(not lives) in a pink house. Unfortunately, he seemed to have caught the show right at the end, but it looked like one of the ponises was about to learn a lesson.
Jesus leaned back and got comfortable, he always loved to hear the wholesome, Christian values of children's television.
"Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that secret butt fun can be an enjoyable experience, but you have to make sure to ask the pony you want to have it with, because there's always the chance that they have a headache. I hope you, the one, true creator, can forgive me.
Your faithful student,
Princess Twilight Sparkle"
Jesus did a spit-take, spraying Dr.Pepper all over the place. What had he just heard? He rewound the show. Yes! She had called Celestia the one true creator! Jesus was furious, just what horrible new religion had reared its ugly head this time? Celestism? That was a stupid name. Jesus hated stupid names.
Jesus flew out of his house, towards the golden water slide that lead to Earth. He stopped directly in front of the water slide, and put on his water wings. Then he got in line.
Jesus sighed and tapped his foot impatiently, honestly he didn't quite see how the water slide was always packed, there were only eight people in Heaven after all. Once it was his turn to go, he stepped up to the slide, he saw God the Lifeguard giving him a suspicious look.
"Son, it's not time for the Second Coming yet, what exactly are you up to?"
"Dad, the humans have formed a horrible pony-based religion! I'm going to go put a stop to it!."
God sighed,"you know we don't do that, right? That whole messing with free will thing?"
"Oh come on,"Jesus put his hands on his hips,"you used to do that all the time."
"Yeah, used to, things are different now."
"So what you're saying is that you're not a perfect God like you claim, otherwise your doctrine wouldn't need to be changed."
God turned red with anger,"Jesus! Stop acting like an Atheist!" God gasped and covered his mouth, immediately regretful.
Jesus simply scoffed,"fine then, I'll just go to Equestria."
"Equestria doesn't exist."
"Then I'll make it exist, I'm God too ya know."
So Jesus slid down the slide, and used his Jesuskinesis to make an alternate path that lead to Equestria, which he slid through.
Then bleepity boppity poopy babba boo, Jesus was in Equestria like any normal person would be. He luckily landed right on top of the very pony that he wished to speak with, the Princess he knew as Twilight Sparkle.
"Ow, get off of me, Jesus!' she screamed.
Jesus complied, but was immediately confused,"how do you know my name?"
"Because we've been expecting you for the past sixty-five million years,"Then she ripped off her own skin to reveal that she was actually a leech monster the whole time. Her house exploded(neither of them were harmed because Jesus is a Jesus and Twilight is a leech monster) exposing Jesus to the rest of the town.
"Get him, my leech minions," screamed Twilight Sparkle,"kill Jesus!"
"Ha, fat chance,"said Jesus in perfect leech language,"I'll just beat you all up." Unfortunately for Jesus, he had vastly underestimated the population of Ponyville, and was about to pay dearly. He was immediately swarmed by thousands of bloodthirsty leech monsters, each biting into his flesh, sucking his blood from his body. Unfortunately for the leech monsters, they were evil, and Jesus' blood is like cyanide for evil stuff.
All of the leech monsters, save for the Leech Six, fell to the ground, sick and dead. Jesus looked at the Leech Six and saw that they were powering up the Elements of Leeches. Jesus charged forward, but it was too late, he was engulfed in a leech-colored beam of light. There was a great big flash and everything had changed, his molecules got all rearranged.
When Jesus woke up he realized he had leech-colored hair, and glowing leech eyes. He could suck on blood, disappear, and fly, he was much more a leech than the other guys. It was then that he knew what he had to do, he had to de-leech himself and beat Celeechia's crew. He's here to fight, for me and you!
Of course, the problem was that Jesus was in a cell, and he'd never really done a de-leeching before. It didn't matter though, because a huge, white leech with wings, a horn, and a crown slithered into the hallway, and stopped at his cell.
"Ha ha,"said the giant leech monster,"now you are a leech monster too, this is a great day for Equestria. With you, a leech Jesus by our side, we can destroy all of the other nations, and turn them into leeches too!"
Unfortunately for Celeechia, the Elements of Leeches can't get rid of Jesus Physics, so he used those to figure out how to de-leech while she was talking. Jesus ripped off his skin to reveal that he wasn't actually a leech monster at all, but a Jesus!
"Nooooo!"screamed Celeechia; then she gave up forever.
The anonymous brony stared at the screen, watching the show credits, unsure of how to react to the most recent episode of My Little Pony. Finally, mustering all of his articulation, he managed to utter a single phrase.
"What the fuck was that shit?"
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It was at this moment that I realized I'm reading something truly magnificent.
This is good, wholesome learning for Christian children. The "Teen" rating is solid, because you mentioned the Anti-Christ and we all know that good Christians aren't supposed to learn about Hell until they're at least teenagers. The message is wonderful--very rich in educational and spiritual value. If I didn't know better, I'd think I was reading the Bible!
I also thought your depiction of Twilight as an antagonist in this was also a very interesting choice. It's definitely a huge twist to see the implied connection between her and the Anti-Christ because they're both so against Jesus. We both know that Jesus would never give in to temptation, though, and the way he overcame and even ended up giving us a great lesson in true MLP fashion is just a testament to the knowledge that you were truly being spoken to by God and Celestia at the same time when you were writing this. It's like you took consultation from both of them and made the perfect hybrid fic of perfect moral and societal values without losing a single ounce of what makes both of them so important to our lives.
Excuse me while I wipe these tears out of my eyes. It touched me just that deeply.
>leech-colored beam of light
fucking plagiarism
other than that, this was glorious
I want to cum inside leech jesus
Jesuskinesis
4112821
yus
I bow to you, good sir, because you have outdone my own 'Jesus in Equestria' story.
Good show.
well, that was something.
I wanted to leave a comment, but then I realized no words I could type could possibly deserve a place in the comments section of this story, so I will just leave you a mustache.
Oh god, just the title told me I MUST read this one
WHAT TEH FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. YOU GLORIOUS BASTARD!
I take much offence to this! How dare you bash my religion! Celestism is not a dumb name! May the all powerful Leech Goddess punish you
. . . 
You know what? I'ma shutting up now. Have a nice day, and congrats on the wonderfully entertaining tail ... and the story wasn't bad either. 
Yeah, okay, I'm really shutting up now.
4119726
Oh.
This is so blasphemous, I can't even.
I.... What..... Ok then...
4119780
No u
Eh, you never disappoint...
I laughed. I cried.
Thanks, Chaz, for making me feel again.
4119845
I'd like to feel you.
They should make this into a Sunday School lesson. I can see it now...
Teacher: "Now what did we learn today, boys and girls?"
Kids (all at once): "Celestia is actually a giant leach and Jesus bathes in Dr. Pepper!"
4119799
God will zap you with lightening.
4119906
Prove it, faget
4119901
I said that, and I'm a Christian.
I think I hear thunder.
I came here to read some wholesome Christian fanfiction. What I got was a load of crap. Sorry sir, but I did not enjoy this garbage in any way...
Not saying it wasn't funny. The 666 pack got me good. But the deceptive title was a turnoff for me
4120451
So you liked it, but you hated it.
By the way, I figured the disclaimer in the description might indicate that this was not, in fact, Wholesome or Christian.
It was Fanfiction though 1/3 ain't bad.
I can see this is totally not serious so I'm going to chill. I'm on the edge of downvoteing though.
I got a few chuckles
Yet there was some stuff that still rubbed me the wrong way. Namely about God interfering in free will and such but thats more of a pet peeve as actually portraying the complexity of an omnipotent being trying to maintain free will is like next to impossible in less than a book.
4120767
Also God, in this story, is a humble lifeguard.
You'd be hard pressed to find an omnipotent lifeguard.
4120774 lol did not catch that.
Upvoted entirely in the hopes that I covered for some butthurt dummy downvoting it 'cause they got made about the title.
Hey, talk to the author of this story. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/170851/heil-super-friends and combine your story with his story to create the best story ever to grace FIMFIC.
Who's downvoting comments? God will blast the haters. Just like back in the ancient times!
4119901
We already knew all that, though. It's not like this is revealing anything new.
It is, however, packed from start to finish with 100% guaranteed revelation.
Even though this story was a little religionist (is that the right word? doubt it
) I found it funny because it was so random with the leeches and Danny Phantom title sequence reference
I...I....I.....thank you
Most sacrilegious thing I have ever read.
I don't see how you could write this...in your right mind. This really sickens me.
4120659 are you a cristian how do you know jesus drinks Dr Pepper instead of mr.pibb Just saying he may be a pepsi fan or a coke fan
4120976 i would love to see a god vs. hater fight. that would be intresting mlp fan fic
4119726 he is putting down 2 religons cristian and celestia
needs more sacrilage...
4123662 ... What be this Cristian thou speakest of?
4123893 look it up
4123901 Yeah, okay, I was joking. Cristian is very common boys name. If you refering to Christianity, then you must learn to spell it
4123913 im lazy
4123918
I almost skipped this one because I'm an Atheist. I'm glad I didn't. That was magnificent, and not too much more outlandish than some Bible stories that a lot of Christians claim to be true. I leave you with an insane Pinkie, you magnificent bastard.
i dont know what just happened, but it was glorious!
4123606
*shrug, I got bored and drank a lot of Dr.Pepper at 4:00am, seemed like the right thing to do.
4123646
Excuse me? I've been studying Jesus's soda habits for centuries.
4124556 umm jesus seems more like coffee person.
4124622
Then you don't know Jesus.
4124650 I GO TO CHURCH SO DON'T YOU DARE SAY I DON'T KNOW JESUS YOU DERP FACE
4124657
I don't believe it for a second.
You may go to church, but I'm a Pastor.