- Member Since 20th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Dec 25th, 2021
The Unknown Brony
My username says it all :p I AM A BRONY AND I AM PROUD!!!
The Unknown Brony
Joined 20th Mar, 2012 ·
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"and everything seems AWESOME1"
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/214/975/1308_medium.jpg
This fic is... alright i guess.
I gotta say, this seems promising. I'll favorite it til I can read the rest
I'm not sure what to say about this other than
a.) what the hell?
b.) is there supposed to be a story?
c.) bestiality much!?
d.) dialogue is written like so:
"hello there," person one said.
"hi!" replied person two.
not:
"hello there," person one said. "hi!" replied person two.
and e.) there are so many things anatomically wrong here it's not even funny
that said, i really hope this was a trollfic
All these dislikes. Come on guys this isn't that bad.
I actually enjoyed it a bit. Its simple and short, they way a story like this
should be.
Haters be hating.
458641 geez, i'd like to see you write one
458655
I'm just saying you could use an editor, and to do a little bit more research. The comment about a story was a legitimate question though, is there a plot, or is it just supposed to be sex?
458726 ....damn...well.... Orion obviously just has to wait until someone can find him a way to get back
yes there is alot of sex though
One thing. Whenever a new person is speaking, start a new paragraph. Instead of:
“Hi, I’m Twilight Sparkle. What’s your name?” “It’s Orion, and I am pretty much the same as you, well I mean mental capacity.” I said trying not to freak her out. “But I’ve never seen your kind before, where are you from?”
It would be:
“Hi, I’m Twilight Sparkle. What’s your name?”
“It’s Orion, and I am pretty much the same as you, well I mean mental capacity,” I said trying not to freak her out.
“But I’ve never seen your kind before, where are you from?”
Also, if you are identifying the speaker after their dialogue, use a comma inside the quotes.
Instead of: “It’s Orion, and I am pretty much the same as you, well I mean mental capacity.” I said trying not to freak her out.
It would be: “It’s Orion, and I am pretty much the same as you, well I mean mental capacity,” I said trying not to freak her out.
Other than that, no grammatical errors.
458821 yup... this is still sorta a rough draft
458836 Ah. Makes sense now. Do you, by chance, have an editor?
458845 my Microsoft Word expired last month
458856 Ah. I meant that as in, someone to read over the chapter before it is released, and provide feedback. Would you like me to do it for any new chapters?
458865 wow...
nope... and yes i would appreciate your help
458882 Alright. Just e-mail me the next chapter at cenarls7@aol.com before you publish it. I will go grammar nazi on it, and then send it back.
458891 Tank you
458898 No problemo.
OK....Why is Orion suddenly going out whit Derpy!!??
458969 when you have nowhere to sleep, and a girl that was nuzzling at your d*ck invites you to live with her... YOU TAKE IT!
ummm just saying, not here to judge its a good story, i just would have maby approched it a little differently. um if you dont mind me saying, try maby seperating the diologue from the rest of the paragraph. i feel its makes it much easier to read and under stand. also maby describe the feelings between them a little more before they jump into the sex, gives the story a more romantic feeling to it. one last thing, try using a more diverse set of words, sometimes you repeat words that could have been replaced by others of the same meaning, taking away the feeling of repition. but these are just suggestions, do what you want wif them. and like i said not here to judge, its a great story and i would like to read more
459032 i wish more people would give feedback that wasn't so negative
i will have to edit all those dialogue parts eventually 
Good to fap. Not to read. It was pretty good for fapping but i had NO IDEA what was going on... i hope that comment wasnt weird....
459128 yup.... there is going to be an end... hopefully to explain everything! and no this comment is not weird
you sir have made me succsesfully squirm when the girls were coming in. well done
you were doing good...until he cheatedon twi...shame, i liked ths story
the only thin that was going on in my mind was the "minecraft" vid by spazkid3d where he says "HAVE YOU CAME YET!!?????!!!!?
??!?!??!
MUNDADUSUAUDUDAAAAAAH!"
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This fic terrifies me on so many levels...
Aww y go with the muffin girl?
<-- that 1 Twilight can easily kick soemones ass and remember what Rainbow said so u pissed of Twi and then she meets up with the other 5 and Dash is included so he is kinda fucked
461025 haha yup, after a sex scene with derpy, mane 6 are gonna plan an evil attack! >:D
Still a better love story thant Twili- wait what?
461052 Really dislike derpy for some reason hope O and T get bk together or else he is SCREWED and so is miss muffin
Every time I read this I get a boner
459038 glad i didnt offend you i really wasnt trying to.
i will give this a favorite and really hope to read more soon, keep up the good work. P.S. just ignore negative comments, you are an excellent writer and one can tell you different.
It just got real.
great... cliffhangers!!! Jut when it was getting good!!!
Well that was rushed, though the sexual scenes are top notch.
You know they're so many times were I see you using the possessive your instead of the contraction you're. Second grade grammar, come on.
469079 THE BUTTONS ON MY KEYBOARD ALL LOOK THE SAME
lol I do apologize for the shitty writing though.
Knew it Orion is going to be bucked up
Orion is in deep shit now!!!
Ok, I liked it. I pretty much lost it at "“Dear god, if you can hear me, I always wanted to donate to those orphans..."
But the wall of text" kinda messed with my head a bit. And while I enjoyed the sexual scenes, they were a bit rushed... BUT I LIKE IT SO WHO CARES
ok now I envy this guy
this guy is a pimp obviously
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An interesting chapter to say the least. I'm interested at what the story will be or if it will continue being tons o' sex
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^Me rushing through the streets to get to my computer after my "New Chapter" Senses Went off..And to also hide my victims that were in my house.
~In Medicus
idk how do u share with to ponies
482412 haha you will see how in Chapter 11
482412 How to share tell them you have a fantasy about being with both and then they will talk about it and ask you if its ok and ta da your sharing well it worked in My Second Life
Holy crap you need an editor and some formatting skills. This reads like a comic book, which is fine, but you seriously need to give things a once-over before you post them!
wow, if he wasnt just lucky enough to begin with, now two at once? i tip my hat to you sir, very entertaining. Keep up the excellent work!!