Page generated in 0.02 seconds
Total duration
616 users online
1,061,894 hits today, 2,151,698 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
One thing. Whenever a new person is speaking, start a new paragraph. Instead of:
“Hi, I’m Twilight Sparkle. What’s your name?” “It’s Orion, and I am pretty much the same as you, well I mean mental capacity.” I said trying not to freak her out. “But I’ve never seen your kind before, where are you from?”
It would be:
“Hi, I’m Twilight Sparkle. What’s your name?”
“It’s Orion, and I am pretty much the same as you, well I mean mental capacity,” I said trying not to freak her out.
“But I’ve never seen your kind before, where are you from?”
Also, if you are identifying the speaker after their dialogue, use a comma inside the quotes.
Instead of: “It’s Orion, and I am pretty much the same as you, well I mean mental capacity.” I said trying not to freak her out.
It would be: “It’s Orion, and I am pretty much the same as you, well I mean mental capacity,” I said trying not to freak her out.
Other than that, no grammatical errors.
Well that was rushed, though the sexual scenes are top notch.
Ok, I liked it. I pretty much lost it at "“Dear god, if you can hear me, I always wanted to donate to those orphans..."
But the wall of text" kinda messed with my head a bit. And while I enjoyed the sexual scenes, they were a bit rushed... BUT I LIKE IT SO WHO CARES
Holy crap you need an editor and some formatting skills. This reads like a comic book, which is fine, but you seriously need to give things a once-over before you post them!
....GWAWALLOFTEXTAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
RUN AWAY!!!
oh my fucking
what is this
Wall of text...... Rushed...... Other than that, not too bad. I would suggest maybe coming back and editing this later for future viewers.
“Dear god, if you can hear me, I always wanted to donate to those orphans but I never had enough change!”
encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcReyLmF9yLvFDePv4iZ-Y84KXkg5_zoswgWlV23nruXdTtWJqQXng
very very rushed.
i agree with the other commentators, it seems very rushed. I didn't look at the rating, turns out to be mature,i was not expecting a 26 chapter clop fic, still, me likey
WAY TO RUSHED
Jesus christ this moved fast. and u need way more description. yikes. dude, u may want to rewrite this.
Suddenly...Sex!
Good start, then far too rushed.
This needed to be said
"Well That escalated QUICKLY"
Had to
that was rushed....fastest relationship with anypony ever
I guess it was rushed, but who the fuck cares I like it. Also the first chapter would be a good one shot.
I hope future chapters change but this one seamed like he just met her and would have still been freaking out about it ... Then in the same day they were giving each other oral for what seamed like 5 min then fell asleep ( this chapter in a nutshell ).
2212190
....nyuuuhhhh... the start was rushed, too.
Now, the idea is fun! Findind two 'ends' of the same 'book' like that? A little bit of fate play... Not bad, not bad at all.
Too bad the execution is rushed more than a 14yo boy's first fap.
What. I was 14 once too. Fuck off.