*EDIT* - this story will now be marked INCOMPLETE, so that I might use it as a poetry collective. Could be worth checking in from time to time. Seperate chapters are unrelated unless otherwise stated and will be tagged in pre-viewing A/N
In a fantastical universe the bastard love-child of Edgar Allen Poe and T.S. Elliot got hooked on ponies.
The resulting poem, pulled through the void, is presented for your reading pleasure.
A (loosely) iambic tetrametric narrative of Twilight Sparkle struggling to understand, accept, and ultimately express, her love for Rainbow Dash.
*EDIT* - Now with other stuff, too.
Chapters (3)
that has got to be one of the best god damn poems I have ever read, and I have read quite a few.
The style and language is definitely reminiscent of Poe. Congratulations, you have earned a total stranger's earnest admiration, respect, and gained from me a follow.
I enjoyed the poem, and i liked the way that Twilight's innermost thoughts were very conflicted, and confused, if at times straying from what she wanted to think about. That's just good story telling right there, great job.
I really enjoyed this.
An awesome poem for sure!
All that wordplay is such a great way to let her thoughts flow one into another: So very fitting for Twilight in love, and amusing to read. I'm almost tempted to say this is missing a comedy tag.
I shall refrain from puns about purple language, but I will add that I'm impressed by the flow of the poem.
Great to see this in the light of day! Amazing how much sweat goes into making it look effortless.
Awesome, I don't usually enjoy poetry, but the effort in this really blew me away! Thank you for sharing.
This is Really Awesome ! Hehe !
I Really enjoyed The Storie Dude !
You had some very excellent figurative language worked in here, in both amusing and serious ways. That, I think, is my favorite part of this poem; my second favorite part would be how well you bring out this lovesick version of Twilight. I also enjoyed the occasional dips from high-brow poetry down into Twilight essentially wanting Dash to take her now please; they made me laugh. You also kept everything flowing impeccably, which is of course quite appreciable.
Nice!
I like how you managed to clearly refer to Celestia, Luna, Shining Armor, and Cadence without once using their names or titles. I think it adds weight to Sombra that he is the only character to be called by name.
Also, this poem honors Spike's contribution far better than that horrible title they gave him in the show.
4691913 They gave him a title in the show?
Wrote a response and then lost it to a mis-key. Attempt two: while I like a lot of the imagery here, and there's some good turns of phrase, I prefer Racing Thoughts. I felt that this poem didn't flow quite so well, and there were some grammatical acrobatics at the start that seemed unnecessary. I also had a hard time keeping up with both the rhyming structure and Luna, in places.
I'm not a great fan of poetry, to be honest, and I'm really not a very good critic, but you asked for feedback, so...
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I definitely agree with you. From the get-go I always knew that I didn't know the subject as well here. Racing Thoughts is very much a romance, and all that entails, but W&B is...well, I've never really known. It's a bit more aimless, and I think it definitely shows. It could have gone through more editing, surely, but I'm not certain if that would have really gave it the sense of purpose and clarity it was lacking.
All I can say is I hate reading poemfics because so many authors on this site get poetry so very, very wrong.
And I am extremely impressed by this.
This is not nearly as good as the first one. :|
Not quite as good as Racing Thought, far better than Song of Homecomings. Two outta three ain't bad, so I guess I'll keep an eye on this here collection. :B
5049503 I know
I went full glowy-white-eyes writing RT. It was intense.
Wow. Coming at this from another direction, as someone who just doesn't get most poetry, this I got.
5049483 Great recommendation on this one.
This is a nice piece of work. The fluid change of rhyme scheme and rhythm capture the stream of consciousness feeling well, and most of the poem flows by very easily. Word choice is good for Twilight's perspective and while I know some people aren't fans of the sexier bits here, I really liked them—they felt very natural to the perspective. I suppose one of the other reasons I liked them is that they're some of the better spots in this poem for imagery, which is one of a couple places where I feel like it's lacking something.
Although the wordplay is nice, I feel like it could have hit home better if it were directed more toward imagery. The never-quite-stated butterfly collection metaphor with Twilight was one of the places where this side of the poem really clicked, but this is a piece where I think some more judicious application of metaphor could have done a lot to improve it. There's a fair amount of visual reference here already, but not much for the other senses. Going multi-sensory is another technique that I like for building imagery, and something else you might consider in the future if you were so inclined.
Aside from that, there are some spots where I felt like the rhythm stumbled. It starts slow, for one thing. I really like the use of consonance in the second paragraph, but I feel like the poem doesn't really
find its footinghit its stride until it spills into the long stretches of iambic tetrameter, which is where this piece shines. And that said, I find a few of the line breaks (or lacks thereof) a little off, once the poem hits that point. For example:Leaving "Her wings" in the middle of that line puts it to nine syllables and throws off the meter in a weird way. Breaking the line there and letting "Trapping..." start a new line gives basically the same effect of a pause, but without throwing off the reader's sense of rhythm. This sort of thing happens in a few different places, and it seems unaccountably jarring to me.
In any case, I like to provide some constructive criticism on writing where I can, but at the end of the day, this piece was just a joy to read. I'm really happy I had it brought to my attention. Pony fiction needs more poetry of this caliber. Thanks for putting in the hard work on this one.
5223244 I really appreciate the review, and I'll definitely be picking through the concrit too. I haven't abandoned writing poetry, but I've not done anything else that really deserves to sit next to Racing Thoughts yet. Have to remember the 'yet'.
I wrote a review of this story here.
I'll admit that I'm not big on most poetry--I tend to like poetry that sacrifices coherence and plot for aural appeal and mood (as an example, two of my favorite poems are Trumpet Player and The Raven).
This poem has some of that, certainly. There are a few clever rhymes, and a few points where the mood is appropriately felt (like the lines where Twilight imagines herself under the covers). But most of the time, the plot seems to get in the way of the mood and rhyme. That is a pretty common problem with poem plot, though, so I can't say I'm surprised.
I can definitely see why the Royal Canterlot Library featured it, but it didn't really do a lot for me. The one thing that this poem did absolutely perfectly, however, was contrasting Twilight's meandering internal narrative with real life (the times when she is talking to Rainbow Dash directly and once in the last stanza). Appropriate given the title and amusing given the subject matter.
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My my, you are a hard one to please. I appreciate the review all the same though. Thank you.
Not a habitual reader of poetry, but ye gods. This is enough to make me want to seek out more. The imagery and voice were delightful, and I found myself (cackhandedly) muttering it aloud as I read and reveling in the flow. Upvoted, faved, and both thoroughly deserved.
Hey, so I finally got my thing done.
I listened to PresentPerfect's reading. This poem is spectacular! Keep up the good work!