Give me back my mommy!

by MichelleTwistaloo

Chapter 1

Well...this is hard, how do I begin?.

I pretty much think the word is full of poo-heads right now. From the princesses to the ones who got her, who the ones who prose.....that big word, charged her! I mean, it’s all for my “Safety and hygiene and wealth standards”, as they told me, but who are they to take away my mommy?

I admit, she had a few “Issues”, little things, sometimes I had to cook dinner ‘cause she was with a medicine related headache. She would be drinking more of that medicine that smells, looks and I believe must taste an awful lot like cider, and she would be fine! Other times she let me watch horror movies on the pony channel, but she is right! She said...

“Ruby, I believe a mare should develop a back bone sooner or later, and I do not mean a tail, if you want to watch it, then go ahead! Could stop you, but I won’t.”

That was my idea! Not hers! And though I still have nightmares about “Pony the 13th” and “Nightmare on the Ponyville’s streets”, it’s due to me being a little dumb. Just a little bit, but Freddy griffin and Jason the zombie Zebra are pretty bad! It’s perfectly normal that I’d have those nightmares.

And so what if I she let me taste the sweet flavor of cider? I didn't like it, It made me feel all funny in my head, but if she gave it to me it must have been safe, right? Some kind of flavored kid’s version of it.

The point is, except Apple Bloom, all of those fillies and colts have their parents to take care of them, and even if Apple Bloom doesn't, she still has an amazing sister! What do I have? The big pony up said, after the sentence, that I’d be placed in the foster system. I don’t want to go to the foster system! What if the care takers are mean?

And who would adopt me? Just look at me! I already have my cutie mark! Nowadays the possible parents just want to adopt foals, and young fillies and colts. Scootaloo had to wait years before being adopted, and now off I go to her place in Ponyville’s center for detainment of troubled colts, fillies, and orphans. I’m not a troubled filly! I do my homework, and I study, and I never snapped!

I’m mad at everyone who helped put my mommy in a place I can’t see her, saying I’m forbidden, I’m mad at the princesses (for the sentence was uttered “Under the Princess of the Sun’s reign, Celestia, The Princess of the Night, Luna, and the Princesses of friendship and love, Twilight and Candance), I’m mad at all the random stallions and Mares who testified due to “having kids and knowing when a filly is sad”, well, I’m sad cause you are taking away the status quo, that funny word that means everything remains the same. I don’t even know how to feel, saddened? Betrayed? Afraid? Angered? My life is so confusing right now and all I know is....I’m doing not too well.

I keep repeating the testament of Fluttershy in my head, like she is some kind of expert in behavior or something, just because you are respected in your community that doesn't mean you know what the heck you’re talking about. She said....

“As someone who, hun, who takes care of wounded and sick and poor little animals, I believe, that, what she did, was monstrous” then she looked at me “I’m sorry, Ruby, but one day you will understand, I've noticed you quite the times before, and you always had a look of preoccupation or sadness on your face, I, didn't want to put myself in someone else’s hooves, cause I felt it was none of my business, but I have to now! Ruby this is for your own good, I think she’s guilty!”

What worried and sad looks? I must have been like that because of a test, or other crappy reason. I feel like this is just kind of a thing that would pass on it’s on, if ponies, minded their own lives and not mine! But no, instead I’m being forced to grow up, and not even grow up my body, which would make me slender and awesome, no, I’m growing up mentally, the worse kind of growing up. I guess I can’t trust anypony. It’s like that, I’m off to some kind of center, and there I go, my every life movement being controlled. It’s worse than any kind of Bullying or anything I have ever had the displeasure of facing. The trial wasn't even fair, they pulled photos and things I did not say in a long time, and they just....kind of ran with it. Due they get a sick feeling of warmth every time they take away something precious to a filly? Because she was my mom and I...I...am bonded to her....and I...

It’s just not fair, I mean, she also told me bad stories about zebras, about how they are mean, and they steal, and eat bad fillies alive if they misbehave, and she had her special zebra whistle that called zebras, so I had to do all the chores, and my homework, and buy her her “medicine” or else she’d call a zebra. But it’s true! Just look at Zecora, is that her name? She’s full of weird stuff, she rhymes all the time, and she poisoned and cursed Apple Bloom with multiple cutie marks just for fun, and then she pretended to be good and saved her, that’s what my mommy said.

Mommy was, or is cool! She sometimes gets me random things out of the random stallions she parties with and rubs her special parts against, like, one time she got me the “Walking Dead Zebras” comics, which weren’t that much filled with happy colors and funny characters, and one time she got me a pong machine, from Button’s dad! I mean, it’s little things like those that make me want my mommy back.

Or if not my mommy, then at least one of the dozens of stallions she rubbed her parts with and specially the one that injected the little me on my mommy, that is my dad,

But please! I don't want to go....bring me back mommy or daddy, or whoever!

Please?

Author's Note:

Woot, and here it is, my first story in English ever, now, I have written about 30-40 fanfics in Portuguese over my life, and people tell me they are pretty good, but with English....I'm way out of my comfort zone, and, as a first timer on this sort of thing, I'm sure I made a series of small or big mistakes, I'd like to ask you all, if you've read this, to please post feedback and help me improve, but, if you don't want to, that's fine, I mean, it's your choice.

Thank you for reading.

And see you next time.

Comments

[Peachy Moon]

Slightly odd word choice but good overall. Wish I could be more specific about what makes it odd.

[xXDavis2211Xx]

I had caught only one word you spelled wrong. Due was supposed to be do. But overall, great job!

[OneLonelyPickle]

Awkward word choice, presentation and tone. It's not really sad, just... odd. Like she's telling the audience about some random event that happened to her, as opposed to losing her freaking mother. If you're going to tell a sad character story in such a short amount of time, it's best to do so in the third person, because 1,100 words is not long enough for us to get to know the main character that well and thus it's hard to emotionally connect with them as we just met them. Your English seems alright but again some parts come off as awkward probably due to your limited knowledge of the language.

My advice is to make the story longer and go into more detail / depth if you want it to be sad. 10,000 words MINIMUM. Tell us about Ruby, what she's like, who she is, who Berry Punch is, explain their relationship, show us them being together, and show us that Berry IS a good, loving mother and that Ruby is a loving daughter so that when they're torn apart, we can really tell that it's a terrible event for Ruby. Not only that, but a lot of people can relate to that sort of thing, so that ability to relate to the character also adds a layer of emotion. Those are the two things you want when you're trying to write an emotional story: build up (good, established characters and a proper story), and reader-character relations (having situations occur or characters appear that many people who are reading can relate to, either sympathetically or empathetically)

But I mean overall, it's still a good STORY. It's just not a SAD story.

[MichelleTwistaloo]

4147346 Thank your for the honest, and honestly well thought out response to my story, those do help me improve. I wasn't really trying to tell a "Sad" story, per se, I was just more or less trying to detail an event that occurred on her life, and how she reacted to it. The "sad" tag was just the one that I felt suited my story best, this isn't exactly a "slice of life" episode.

I do admit that you're right, it's hard to care for the characters when you don't even know the relationship between her and her mother, and I do think you raise some valid points, thumbs up for your comment (or hoof up, or whatever).

As for awkward word presentation....well, there's only so much I can do about that,
I believe the way I write in English is based upon my vocabulary and the way I write in Portuguese, there's a fundamental difference in the way those two languages are, as for vocabulary...well, I'll try to read more and see if that improves it.

I'll try to improve, thank you!

[daniboyi]

I can't decide who the bad guy is
Berry Punch is a bad mother when I read this text, but I don't think it is ok to just take a daughter away from her mother without giving her a real good reason she understands!

[OneLonelyPickle]

4147368 And thank you for replying to my suggestions and letting me know how my advice was received :D Lots of time writers don't and then I can't tell if I helped or not, or if they hated me or... et cetera et cetera :S As I always say, take from what I suggested what you think you need to improve on and ignore what you don't. By no means am I Story Jesus and my word is not the word of some sort of almighty deity; I am not infallible in my advice. Guess what I'm trying to say is that all I want to do is help, and sometimes what I say may not be the exact thing you need to hear but it's what I think, as a reader, you need to work on. So with that being said, I hope you continue to get better with your English and I definitely hope you keep writing stories because I'd love to read 'em :D

P.S: "Slice of Life" would actually fit this story better than "Sad" as the latter is literally just a random thing about someone's life, not entirely dependent on one emotion.

[MichelleTwistaloo]

4148467 Really? Slice of life? I always though slice of life stories are stories telling the day of a random pony, with it's misadventure and stuff, I guess that I thought, seeing as this is a pretty dramatic and unique thing in her life, it didn't count. Perhaps I should change the tags.

Thank you again, for your opinion and your advice!

[Autum Breeze]

i'll read this when i can. i just hope that, in the end, things go okay for ruby and she gets her mommy back

[TheChaoticSpartan]

My heart aches after reading this...still trying to hold back the tears...probably will fail.