In the beginning everything was perfect, or rather...well, she would say, Berry wasn't the best of moms, but they still got along pretty well, but then the foal protective services, went and took away her mom, oh no! What does Ruby (or Pinchy) feel about it? That, is in this fic, the exploration of her feelings.
First story in English, and I really need your support, I'm sure I made dozens of little mistakes, and I'd like to increase quality, help much appreciated. Thanks
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Slightly odd word choice but good overall. Wish I could be more specific about what makes it odd.
I had caught only one word you spelled wrong. Due was supposed to be do. But overall, great job!
Awkward word choice, presentation and tone. It's not really sad, just... odd. Like she's telling the audience about some random event that happened to her, as opposed to losing her freaking mother. If you're going to tell a sad character story in such a short amount of time, it's best to do so in the third person, because 1,100 words is not long enough for us to get to know the main character that well and thus it's hard to emotionally connect with them as we just met them. Your English seems alright but again some parts come off as awkward probably due to your limited knowledge of the language.
My advice is to make the story longer and go into more detail / depth if you want it to be sad. 10,000 words MINIMUM. Tell us about Ruby, what she's like, who she is, who Berry Punch is, explain their relationship, show us them being together, and show us that Berry IS a good, loving mother and that Ruby is a loving daughter so that when they're torn apart, we can really tell that it's a terrible event for Ruby. Not only that, but a lot of people can relate to that sort of thing, so that ability to relate to the character also adds a layer of emotion. Those are the two things you want when you're trying to write an emotional story: build up (good, established characters and a proper story), and reader-character relations (having situations occur or characters appear that many people who are reading can relate to, either sympathetically or empathetically)
But I mean overall, it's still a good STORY. It's just not a SAD story.
4147346 Thank your for the honest, and honestly well thought out response to my story, those do help me improve. I wasn't really trying to tell a "Sad" story, per se, I was just more or less trying to detail an event that occurred on her life, and how she reacted to it. The "sad" tag was just the one that I felt suited my story best, this isn't exactly a "slice of life" episode.
I do admit that you're right, it's hard to care for the characters when you don't even know the relationship between her and her mother, and I do think you raise some valid points, thumbs up for your comment (or hoof up, or whatever).
As for awkward word presentation....well, there's only so much I can do about that,
I believe the way I write in English is based upon my vocabulary and the way I write in Portuguese, there's a fundamental difference in the way those two languages are, as for vocabulary...well, I'll try to read more and see if that improves it.
I'll try to improve, thank you!
I can't decide who the bad guy is
Berry Punch is a bad mother when I read this text, but I don't think it is ok to just take a daughter away from her mother without giving her a real good reason she understands!
4147368 And thank you for replying to my suggestions and letting me know how my advice was received :D Lots of time writers don't and then I can't tell if I helped or not, or if they hated me or... et cetera et cetera :S As I always say, take from what I suggested what you think you need to improve on and ignore what you don't. By no means am I Story Jesus and my word is not the word of some sort of almighty deity; I am not infallible in my advice. Guess what I'm trying to say is that all I want to do is help, and sometimes what I say may not be the exact thing you need to hear but it's what I think, as a reader, you need to work on. So with that being said, I hope you continue to get better with your English and I definitely hope you keep writing stories because I'd love to read 'em :D
P.S: "Slice of Life" would actually fit this story better than "Sad" as the latter is literally just a random thing about someone's life, not entirely dependent on one emotion.
4148467 Really? Slice of life? I always though slice of life stories are stories telling the day of a random pony, with it's misadventure and stuff, I guess that I thought, seeing as this is a pretty dramatic and unique thing in her life, it didn't count. Perhaps I should change the tags.
Thank you again, for your opinion and your advice!
i'll read this when i can. i just hope that, in the end, things go okay for ruby and she gets her mommy back
My heart aches after reading this...still trying to hold back the tears...probably will fail.