Hi! I'm Dazzler Star and this is New Dawn, we're best friends who decided to share an account here! Have a great trip and enjoy your stay here at Team EnderRain
Twilight Sparkle has been sentenced to exile, she has no memory of the last two or three days. But there is evidence that she had a meeting with Chrysalis and tried to well, kill the princesses. Was she tricked? Was she totally aware of what she was doing?
Disowned by her family, friends, and country; Twilight makes her journey to the one person who can explain things to her. What she finds isn't exactly what she expected though....
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Nice! Keep it up!
I see a plot twist
keep it up!
it's spelled 'friend' not 'freind'
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Thank you, I will, don't worry!
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Yeah, sorry, I do seem to get spelling errors, I'm the editor here at team EnderRain, and we haven't managed to get pre-readers yet. Thanks for pointing that out, I'll work on it!
-Dazzler Star, of team EnderRain
Oooh Plot twist!
The whole thing seems like Twilight getting the short end of the stick, really. Exiled from family, friends, and home without consent or explanation?
Heck with that. Cast them all down and rule them all, Twilight!
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I sense you're a Twilight fan, don't worry, things will sort out in the end
-Dazzler Star of Team EnderRain
Nice keep it up I want to know what happens next xt!
But remember, go at your own pace and do not over do it.
Twas a food read with only a few spacing errors nice job!
That was a good story.
4211175 Was it a doughnut read, or a chocolate read.
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I was wondering the same thing....
I thought I might give you some more advice.
First, stay away from ellipsis. They are a cancer in your story. They're mostly used by new or lazy writers. You need to first learn how to properly convey something without ellipsis before you can use them. Or else you're story looks like a text message.
You need a proofreader. Sentences like this is why they're important. They cut away some of the stuff that just doesn't sound right or is downright bad.
Your characterization is simplistic. You need to add these details that will really make your characters come alive. The best way is to put yourself into the mind of the character, and understand what is happening all around them. Look at the scene and how the characters would react from every angle. What do they feel, what are they thinking? This is hard to explain and it's different for each writer. But you need to put a lot more effort into the characters because they're just simplistic and flat.
There's no voice. I don't get a sense of the author in this piece. It rings very flat. This is where you're going to have the hardest time as you get better. It's hard to find a writing style that just feels right to you. But you have to be willing to put something of yourself into the writing or the characters. Give the writing a sense of humanity that makes it come alive. Like I said, this is the hardest thing. But it will come in time.
I'm not going to harp on the grammar or the spelling, that's what an editor is for.
Pacing. Pacing is something that is also important. You've got to be willing to write more. The thing is, it's easy to write something that's too fast paced. It's REALLY hard to write something with a slow pace, and it's infinitely easier to fix something with a slower pace. If in your story events just happen one after the other with little down time or reflection, you need to write more.
The best advice I can think of, write first, second and third drafts. I know that sounds boring, but it's essential. Every draft you add more and more content to the piece. By the final draft, you should feel like there's very little I can add. If not, write another draft.
What I do is write my first draft in a notebook. I put the notebook away for a few days. Then I bring it out and write the story from the notebook on my computer. This gives me a good perspective on my story. What I need to fix, what I can cut, what needs to be added.
Writing takes WORK if you want to be good at it, and you need to be willing to put in that work. If you do, you can create pieces you can be truly proud of even if they don't come out as you hoped. Best of luck and remember, you can message me with questions and concerns if you have any.
Most people don't realize how devastating being exiled is because they don't stop to think that horses are herd animals, and thus being exiled is even worse for them than it is for a human. Bravo for being one of the few to portray anything other than rage.
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Thank you! I always get advice like "Use more commas," or something grammar related like that. I never get any advice that will actually help me in the long run. I will definitely try the drafts thing though, it's sounds really interesting, and like it helps a a lot. I want my work to be the best, so why not try things that will make it that way? Again, thank you, you give out the best advice, are you sure you aren't a professional author?
-Dazzler Star of Team EnderRain
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Thank you, and yes, it's hard to step back and think about these kind of things. I wanted to portray sadness and despair at the whole problem, Twilight had her whole life ripped away, her everything, her family acted like they hated her, her friends who knows where, and not to mention her wings being gone. It's tragic really. Thanks!
-Dazzler Star of Team EnderRain
That story had me on the edge of my seat the hole time.
frankly your story is kinda anti-climactic. the reaction of twilight to celestias scheme is both out of character for her and totaly unrealistic for anyone with an emotional spectrum what so ever. your build up was great though.