Everypony Talks

by Comet Burst

Everypony talks too much

The clang of dirty glasses accented the creaking metal inside the dingy place. There was no color here, just a select few shades of brown and gray with black shadows dancing around. Several ponies shifted in their dusters, each one eyeing the other like they were in a pen of wolves. Three had eyepatches, two sported several long scars across their eyes and one even had a prosthetic leg made from parts of a barstool, train and an old jukebox that once played the last known copy of 'Midnight Boogaloo'.

Behind the counter, a pony with a scruffy moustache gingerly rubbed a cloth spotted with sweat and dried oil onto some porcelain teacups. Behind him, a barista hummed as the scent of fresh coffee filled the air. Several patrons groaned while three rose from their seats, each extending a shaking hoof holding a paper cups. The word 'Starr-BUCKETS' could be seen scrawled in green ink across them.

"I got decaf brewing, ya'll," the barpony grunted. "Regular is in an hour."

"C-Coffee," one of them stuttered. "N-Need... coffee."

The barpony shook his head as the paper cup slammed down on the counter.

"C-C-Coffee!" the patron rasped.

"Sorry, buddy," the barpony replied. "You got no beans for it."

The pony wildly thrashed about as his hooves darted into his duster, kicking up a cloud of actual dust while he was at it.

"I-I got beans!" he shouted. "I-I-I can pay for it!"

"Son, I think you should go see the--"

"NO!" he roared, slamming his hooves down on the counter. "You don't tell me how to live my life!"

Every patron flinched and rose to their hooves as the wild-eyed pony stared down the barkeep. The intensity of the bloodshot eyes staring into him caused the barkeep to sigh and nod morosely.

"Alright, son. I'll get you your coffee," he said in a small voice.

The pony grunted with satisfied smile when a cup of ice cold water splashed across his face. He screamed as he fell back, frantically clawing at the droplets on his face as he kicked about on the cold metal floor. All the patrons took their seats, casually staring off into the distance as the pony thrashed and screamed louder.

"Help me!" he wailed. "I'm drowning! I can't swim!"

The barkeep pressed a hoof to his forehead, hoping the fool would stop soon. Caffeine junkies like him always made a scene, despite them not actually being completely aware of what they were doing.

"Shut up, down there," he grumbled. "And you better not be taking pictures of yourself down there when you finish."

"Selfies are an art!" the pony screamed back.

"Weren't you drowning?" came the barkeep.

A stunned silence filled the room as the pony realized the barkeep was right. The sudden wave of realization that hit him, though, made his forehead lance with pain as he whined and pressed his hooves to his head.

"Bucking caffeine high," he muttered.

A loud slurping filled the room, causing the melodramatic drifter on the floor to groan louder as one other patron held a teacup daintily in his hooves. He smacked his lips and grinned widely as his pupils began to dilate.

"Wow," he muttered, looking into the cup filled with a cyan blue liquid. "That's some good tea."

He grinned widely as a pony said, "Are your teeth glowing?"

Without warning, the door to the establishment flew open, slamming violently against the wall. Everypony in the room froze and stared at the door as the sound of hooves clacking against the metal filled the room. Wearing a beat-up helmet that had 'POLICE' in blue letters stuck on it, the pony known as Bad Cop strode in, his heavy silver sunglasses shifting ever so slightly. Everypony immediately went rigid and sat at attention as he strode by, snorting at each pony he passed.

"W-What can I d-d-do for you, Bad Cop?" the barkeep asked, his eyes tiny.

Spinning in place, Bad Cop glared at the barkeep through his glasses before slowly striding over to the counter, glancing derisively at the pony on the floor.

"I'm looking for a pony," he said in a voice so gritty, sandpaper would plug its ears.

"A-A pony?" the barkeep stammered. "W-We ain't g-got nopony here we shouldn't."

"Oh really?" he asked, leaning closer to the counter. "We'll be seeing about that."

Turning to the patrons, Bad Cop reached behind his back and, after everypony ducked under the table, pulled out a crudely drawn image of a pony next to a soda vending machine.

"I'm looking for this pony," Bad Cop growled. "He's been running the twenty-fourth largest illegal soda ring this side of Bomb-er-lot and eluded me for two whole days."

One patron's head shot out from under his table and said, "That's it?"

Turning to him, Bad Cop growled and the pony shrunk back underneath his table, nodding and silently crying the whole way. Looking away, Bad Cop scanned the room before freezing on a pony who was peeking out from his table. The spiky mane and terrified eyes were all he needed to see to connect the dots.

"You there," he said, taking a step forward.

"STAY BACK!"the pony shouted, standing up straight.

As he stood, aluminum cans jingled from the inside of his jacket as a can of Dr. Hot Tamale rolled onto the floor. Without warning, everypony screamed and Bad Cop backed away as the can exploded, spraying the room with a sticky and sweet brown liquid. Bad Cop ripped off his ruined sunglasses and glared at the pony, who had two more cans in his hooves. The labels of 'Spring Mist' and 'Coca-Cider' were barely visible under his hooves.

"Listen up, everypony!" he shouted. "These cans are filled with Mentos and baking soda! One shake and they'll blow this place to kingdom come! Got it?"

"Doesn't baking soda neutralize carbonation?" one pony called.

"You felling lucky, punk?" the pony roared back.

"Listen, we can do this the easy way or--" Bad Cop began, but the pony began to violently shake the cans in his hooves.

"He took the hard way! Get him!" Bad Cop roared as he charged forward.

"Premier Twilight Sparkle sends her love!" he shouted before the cans glowed white in his hooves.

A blinding white light filled the room as all the ponies shouted in abject horror.

---

The film cut out as everypony in the square scrambled about, screaming in a mad panic. The film projector raced to the ground as ponies of all sizes charged it, a single glimmering tear of light escaping the lens. It watched the magnificent white screen it had projected the video on, noting the glorious banner reading 'Fallout: Fall of Equestria' in gold lettering.

"The end is upon us!" one pony shouted.

"We need to stop this!" another cried out.

"To Ponyville!" yet another roared.

The rabble continued to overwhelm Canterlot Square, overturning lines of red velvet ropes and stomping on posters labelled Light Chai Empire and New Dark Roast Republic. Countless bodies threw themselves against each other in tearful apologies and swapped different caffeinated drinks, each sipping freely of the brew of friendship.

"And that, my little ponies," Discord said, appearing on top of the projection screen. "Is why you need to stop fighting."

The crowd roared in response, loud enough to shake the stones beneath them.

Far away, Princess Celestia sat on her balcony, her face planted in her hooves as she slowly shook her head. Luna stood next to her, glaring up at the moon with her bloodshot eyes and droopy eyelids.

"'Tis a fine mess thou has gotten us into again, sister," she grumbled.

Behind both of them, a scroll appeared on Celestia's rug in a burst of green flame. It slowly unraveled, revealing the hastily written note inside.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Why is there an angry mob outside my home and why are they throwing cans of soda at me?!

Sincerely,
Twilight Sparkle and Spike

Author's Note:

Yeah, this took me a whole year to come up with.

I accept your ridicule.

Comments

[Hurgusburgus]

IT LIVES

[Majin Syeekoh]

Wut

[The Orthodox Priesthood]

5589187
It dies.

[Tatsurou]

That was...strange.

[Alondro]

Well, that happened...

I'm not sure what it was, but it definitely happened.

[Europa]

Why is there an angry mob outside my home and why are they throwing cans of soda at me?!

Damn it, Discord!

[1stChosenStar]

IT LIVES, and then it ended.....

[GordonFreebrony]

Perhaps a sequel? A continuation? Some form of conclusion?

[Zocarik]

Discord, you tried your best, but it just wasn't enough.

[silly] I fear for the Light Chai Empire and the Dark Roast Republic. After all, the last time someone got on Premier Twilight's bad side, she blew him up with Friendship. Friendship Everywhere. [/silly]

I cannot lay claim to be the originator of that last part. I was quoting this artist ==>here<==. Go read that gal's comics. They are hilarious.

[Misplaced Mage]

¡Viva la sidra!

[Borderline Valley]

Nah, no ridicule here.
That would be... extremely hypocritical of me.

Funny solution though, Plan Shift-My-Problems-Onto-My-Student is a go!

[Fatch]

... What did I just read?

[Hay Omelette]

I would like to watch that film.

[Wellwater]

Okay then.

5589277 I think this is the first time I've seen you express such a normal reaction of bemusement.

[Zeyon The Green]

Conspiracy theorists and hipsters ruin everything. That's all I get from this.

[Christs Disciple]

Everyone's said something to this affect, but...What just happened?

[pahnazd]

Celestia's thoughts now and forever: "I'm surrounded by idiots."

[King Kenya]

as a can of Dr. Hot Tamale rolled onto the floor

[Jet Cannon]

My reaction upon seeing this beast was not yet slain:

mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw7562_large.jpg

[TonyTheMage]

Sequels. We need sequels.

please?

[Fourpony]

I am sure this whole idea did not help Luna's mood in the least.
th06.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2014/135/0/6/pissy_princess_luna_by_vectors_r_us-d7ihjvz.png
Nope, not at all. Maybe killing all the ponies would be a good idea. Start fresh.

[New Spark]

A sequel world make nd do happy right now.

[Iron Comet]

Twilight Sparkle is really confused now, confused and sticky.

[TheGreatEater]

I'm going to jump on the bandwagon of peeps asking for a sequel / continuation.

This fic was hilarious, well done, and was a nice originonal little piece. I'd love to see more of it.

[NachoTheBrony]

lol

[LeopardCay]

Wow.
This must carry on.

[Alondro]

5589867 Because I still have no idea what happened...

And apparently I'm not the only one!

[Storylover-Vodhr]

Scorn, scorn,

Ridicule, ridicule, ridicule.

(Am I doing this right?)

[jszellmer]

5596295 And opposing them both will be the Ponies' Uncola Liberation Front.

[HJSDGCE]

Don't if Discord made it better or worst...

[Rockstar_Raccoon]

Finally!

I guess that was a reasonable turn of events, but really? No closure beyond this? The storyline doesn't really feel wrapped up here...

[FanOfMostEverything]

A cyan blue liquid? I've heard of spiced tea, but not any made with the spice melange.

In any case, this turned out about as well as could be hoped. Thank you for bringing this insanity to a highly satisfactory conclusion.

[Arcane Howitzer]

"Selfies are an art!" the pony screamed back.
"Weren't you drowning?" came the barkeep.

This sums up the chapter about as well as any two-line quote could.
Probably.
Maybe.

[Bad_Seed_72]

I'm not quite sure what I read, but I enjoyed it! Especially the name of the film, lol. Have a fave, Comet.

[AnonponyDASHIE]

This was a great story, but this chapter really felt like it couldn't quite stick the landing and so we're left with an interesting story that got an ending that didn't really seem to fit the rest of it, nor truly tie any of the major themes up.

Thanks for creating an interesting tale, and for sticking with it even after a year and everyone figured this was dead, but at least for me, this just feels like it's not the ending this story deserved.

[Ryvaken]

I have, literally, no idea what I just read. At all.

[DeepSpace]

...Oh, sweet Celestia...

[Reader Wolf]

(reads story all in one go, finds himself forced to make Simpson's reference)

[TheGreatEater]

"I got decaf brewing, ya'll," the barpony grunted. "Regular is in an hour."

y'all

[Ya'll = you will; y'all = you all]
____________

Re-read this, and I'm glad you didn't delete this.

I'm also jumping on the bandwagon for those wanting a sequel.

[ArcIsDead]

5903281 Yeah. They'll get involved. You can't deny that they'll dew it

[Kage no Brony]

5605975

[Sequel Required]

[amarouq]

5903304
The Crystal Empire has to get involved now with their entry, Crystal Popsi.

[LeprechaunPoni]

Well, having read this to this point, i have to ask: What the heck did I just read?
And when can I have more of it?

[TheGreatEater]

"I got decaf brewing, ya'll," the barpony grunted. "Regular is in an hour."

y'all
(ya'll is you will. Not you all.))
_________________

7294218
I know amirite? This fic defies explanation, but leaves you wanting more. Even if you can't explain why. Kind of like a meal from Chipotles.

[Humans Are Not Gone Yet]

9148114
According to the employee handbook at the café I work at, the dark roast has slightly less caffeine than our regular roast, it's not much of a difference though.

[TheGreatEater]

9148135
Facts is.

It depends on how it's measured. The actual caffeine content isn't different, but the actual caffeine per bean is the same.

No, because volume is not everything. During the roasting process, a bean loses its mass. The density of the bean changes; beans that are roasted longer are less dense. That’s why you have more beans by mass of dark roasts. When coffee is roasted the beans lose roughly 90% of their water content.

So, how does this change a pot of coffee?

If you measure your coffee by scoops, light roasted coffee will have more caffeine. Since the beans are denser than a darker roast. However if you weigh out your scoops, darker roasts will have more caffeine, because there is less mass. What should also be noted is that Arabica beans vary in levels of caffeine depending on the plant species.

And, as we know from our caffeine basics the amount of caffeine in a cup of coffee is so minimal, we might not even notice the difference.

[Humans Are Not Gone Yet]

10403073
So my employee handbook isn't wrong because we essentially measure by scoop, interesting. Good to know.

[TheGreatEater]

10403085
Cool beans, and yep. Technically it wasn't wrong, and that's good to know for your store ^_^.