When I had arrived in Equestria, I had been scared, miserable and alone, but then I had met Magnum and Pearl. The two had generously given me a roof over my head and a warm meal for my trouble. Years went by and the two became the closet thing I had to a family. When they had their first child Rarity I was given the honour of god father. I was later made legal guardian of both Rarity and the new addition Sweetie belle. Nearly three years later I would be hit with a devastating blow.
A single letter was all it took to shatter my world. I found myself the legal guardian of the two orphaned foals when I can barely afford to feed myself. Grieving and falling deeper into debt what can I do.?
Editor: Friendship is Magic
Chapters (2)
Lovin' it so far but the names remind me of two other fics.
'Raising Rainbow' A story about Rainbow's single parent father
'We regret to inform you' The cakes die leaving Pinkie with the twins
Wow really nicely written! I could go all day about how much I liked it but I figured you probably want some critiquing since everyone else will love this and praise it anyways
Ok, plot wise: I like it, very nice concept and adding progressing problems instead of having them all at the beginning was good however, I feel like this is very similar to a story in which the same thing happens to Pinkie Pie and she needs to take care of the Cake children(sorry I don't remember the name of the story). I would say try and add something to make it stand out from the others but you added a human which worked well(I wish I could make human/equestria stories as good as you!). Maybe next time add another plot device or problem that isn't just grieving.
Characters: Characters started off really nice and I liked it but during the intervention I felt that Soft Beat got mad and struck him quite hard for just saying a sentence that could have meant different things depending on interpretation. And Thomas was pretty quick to cave in and I felt you could have made the conflict in the intervention last a bit longer. But I am glad that you ended on a bitter-sweet tone!
At any rate, great story. Take my advice into account, or dont, it's all the same. Have a nice day.
Edit: Did not see Tinker's comment, the name of the story I was thinking about was We regret to inform you.
I read them but this idea has been festering in my head for about a year now. The main idea is to show how a human living in a alien world raises two kids. I briefly read my little dashie and though I like the idea but want to see more human interaction.
Even as a french, I saw a lot of typos indeed, about 10-15 (to be precise
), especially around the letter and at the end, I almost put down the story to wait for a typoproof version of it 
Other than that, this story really touched my heart ... because of the cuteness of the lil' fillies that's for sure
, but also because even though I've never been in quite a situation, I'm sure you will agree if I say that it takes BALLS to handle it 
img.pandawhale.com/38848-The-Feels-gif-UHzu.gif
I'm intrigued. For every slightly unique twist to hie story there are dozens that just take the same approach, overlooking the importance of those little changes from the onset to set the tone of the story.
Anywho, I think your spellchecker may have put in a few wrong words in the description.
This sentence makes no sense near the middle. o.O You need to activate emergency editing mode, sire.
Interesting, something new from you for sure.
4154179 Salutations à vous Français homme. Pantalon ne peut jamais toucher vos jambes et vos aisselles jamais voient soap
Sorry my French is rusty as fuck I think this is hello
Good story, but it needs a proof-reader. If your getting one...
Just remember to pick me!
this seems pretty good, the pacing is.... eh ive seen worse, might want to slow down a bit, try to add some more meat to whats happening, like the intervention seemed pretty rushed to me, unless its getting continued in the next chapter, which is fine. With this said I'd also like to point out that almost all NEW proper story writers on here seem to have the same problem with the pacing of the events, you just have to find that sweet spot between going too fast and dragging something on for too long. Overall the theme of the story is very interesting, and quite original to boot. I dont know were your going to be going with this story, but as a recommendation, I think you should work through were the most PROBLEMS would be, being rarity dealing with the grief of her parents and the M.P. getting his act together, THEN you might want to look into a time skip of sorts, maybe going forward to raritys teen years.
dont forget, this IS a different Universe your writing, so feel the need to get creative with Rarity and sweetie bell's personality, with that said, you should still use rarity and sweetie bells usual personality's as a foundation to work in.
Well fuck me in the face and call me a Spanish whore. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
And so our paths have crossed once again. A new story, a new beginning, and new verdict to lay waste to.
Let's see just how this goes shall we?
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Uh, that isn't intentional is it?
Oh great. We have one of those people. I liked him better when he just drank his troubles away. Now he's making the decision of conforming to the illogical and baser instinct of "Me mad. Me smash."
Yes. Let the hate and despair run through you.
ᶘ ಠᴥಠᶅ
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Well, that intervention was... certainly something.
I like the concept of the story but it feels a bit jumbled, hope you can sort this out as the story goes on.
Yeah, great idea, if a bit jumbled in places, but I think you would do well to get a better prereader/editor to help with your grammar. it isn't TOO bad, but the end seems to be missing an entire sentence. From reading this twice, it looks like your prereader is only reading it and not correcting the more glaring flaws here.
It has potential, but the pacing is a bit fast, theres pieces missing everywhere, and it needs an editor BADLY- there's missing commas, apostrophes... Even missing words and lines at times by the look of it. It could end up being a neat story, but there are a lot of kinks you'll need to work out first.
This is a good story, but get an editor. I saw a ton of grammar mistakes.
4156101 Well it sure is ... original
4158571 Haha
4158571 Désolé si mon Français est rouillé et sais que je jouais seulement autour de la chose de savon et un pantalon. Mon Français est très vieux, donc j'ai du mal à le lire, mais ironiquement assez encore tapez-le
4158083 Would you point a few out so I can at least scratch them off my list
I have to say, this is quite good, but with me being me, I can't help but be distracted by every single grammar error I notice (my brain is annoying like that). I mean, it's not that your grammar is awful, I've seen far worse, but if you just use a bit more punctuation, then you've got yourself a very good story on your hands. Oh, I almost forgot to mention; reason I'm here is because this thing was featured. Just thought you might like to know that.
Ugh... So many typo's... There also is next to no punctuation, especially for questions. There are a few Run-on's, and missing comma's everywhere. I like the concept of the story, but there are a lot of punctuation errors throughout the story, and, it seems to be going way to quickly. There could have been a chapter of the parents before they died, larger scenes, etc. It feels as you're trying to reach a specific part of the story that you're going to like writing, and trying to quickly write what you don't like. I recommend an editor, or at least look over the story a few times before you publish it. I will continue to read for the time being, but the typo's are standing out like a sore thumb.
I could give you a hand, if you want. Send me a Pm about it, if interested. The story needs an editor of some sort.
-Thelehpwnage
Yes.
Well, you asked for it.
I really don't think that Equestria has planes. I'd change this to an airship or maybe a train.
That should be "grief."
Those should be "condolences" and "loss."
That comma should be a period or a semicolon, and the "whom" should be a "who." And the way you refer to it in the first two sentences make it seem like the note and the letter are two different things at first glance.
At this point I realized that this story probably has a decent number of grammatical mistakes, and explaining them all like that would be too time-consuming. So I decided to just edit them in the quote boxes. Hopefully my edits all make sense.
At the very least, you should add a horizontal rule or something in here to show a time skip and change of scene. And while you don't need to add a scene where Thomas breaks the news to Rarity and Sweetie, I think it might be a nice addition.
I happen to know families that are raising kids on just a high school teacher's pay. So either Equestria needs to pay teachers more, or something is wrong here. Or did you mean that he has a job working as a janitor or something at a high school? If so, you should be more specific there, because pretty much everyone is going to assume that you mean he's a teacher when you say he "works at a high school."
And that's assuming that Equestria even has high schools. Personally, I'm inclined to think that they don't but it's really just a matter of opinion.
And this was the point where I decided that pointing out every grammatical error would be too tedious and time-consuming. So I'm only going to bring up story problems and the like from here on out.
Berry just sort of comes out of nowhere. You should explain why she's there, what her connection is to Thomas, that sort of thing.
One week is nowhere near enough time for Thomas to become so much of a drunk that the others would feel the need to hold an intervention.
Fluttershy said that she had never been on the ground before she got her cutie mark, so this really doesn't work.
Everything here happens way too fast. Try to slow things down and expand what you have here. You could make a full chapter out of Thomas finding out that Magnum and Pearl died and breaking the news to the girls (and some expansion on how Thomas got to Equestria and what his early days there were like wouldn't hurt either), another out of the funeral and reading of the will, and a third out of the intervention.
There is enough cursing here that I am somewhat inclined to recommend that you either a) cut it out/change it to G-rated pony curse words, or b) knock this up to a mature rating. But this is something of a gray area, so you can do what you want.
You could use some more variety in your sentence structure. It seemed like every other sentence followed the pattern of "Verbing, I did something."
And finally, you really need to do something about all the grammatical problems.
4159614 Thanks you very much! That was a huge help and I am glad you were so willing to help
4158783
Wrong speliing, wrong use of words, and LOTS of missing commas
4158779 Ton effort d'expression est tel un antirouille qui viendrait s'appliquer sur la partie rongée
Bref ne vient pas me voir si jamais t'avais besoin d'un poème en français
I like this concept already. Keep on trudging and don't give up, cuz I like where this story can take us. Liked and favorited.
will check this out later. seems intersting
Fix the description derp, it might discourage people to read your fiction:
Sweetie Belle
The idea is awesome by the way.
4160391 J'ai été personnellement très heureux avec mon effort en écrivant Français. Et Merci pour l'offre d'aider
I am lost.
How is it that Berry Punch, Carrot Cake, Bulk Biceps, -and anyone else I've missed- are full grown, where as Rarity, Fluttershy, and presumably the rest of the main six are but children?
As well, Rarity is easily 8 to 10 years older than Sweetie Bell.
But in this fic they're only a few years apart.
Can someone explain this to me?
4161353 Berry punch the cakes and other ponies are older in about there 20s. Rarity is 7 and sweetie 2. I am making my own version where Rarity is slightly younger. think about it in the show the girls were teens or at the least 18
4161314 Anytahm
there are quite a few spelling mistakes but other then that I like it and would like to read it to the end.
Not bad indeed, but your overusage of "as" and incorrect punctuation are warranting an editor. You can go far with this.
4175943 I know currently whatmustido is helping me
4176077 Has he edited this first chapter yet?
4176087 fuck no trust me the edited one blows this out the water but it still needs work on my part to rushed
4176095 I'll be waiting then
4176098 Dude "what must I do" wrote a grammar and spelling guide. He has the longest equestria story at 1.5 million words and is one of the best when it comes to helping a story
4176105 Oh, you mean the writer of "Diaries Of A Madman". Good catch - I quite dislike the fic myself, but that says nothing about the dude's editing skills.
Hmmm, I would say you've gotten off to an excellent start. The characters are well done and are believable in their actions. Nothing is forced, which is good. Natural progression makes for an interesting read.
While you could have spaced out these occurrences over several chapter, you pulled it off her excellently and I have no complaint...Though, I'm with
4161353 the character ages are a bit strange, as I thought Bulk Biceps was around the main six age.
And while I do agree the main six are rather young ladies, I always thought Rarity and Applejack were the oldest, possibly in their early twenties.
That is only a nitpick though. Nothing major or anything that hampers the fic. Heck, it doesn't even get me out of the immersion you've set in. It's just something I've noted. Still, this is your fic. Age play is within your right. (Heck, I did some crazy stuff with my own fic, 'A different Sunset'. I made Vinyl Scratch Diamond Tiara's older sister...So I'm far crazier then you.)
Keep up the good work.
4176435 Thanks man its just with the new website still needing work and the The scent lust of mares comic series we are working on it is a bit stressful so my writing is slightly sloppy. The funding is low at the moment so we are hopping to sell commissions to get the needed money.
Sequel much?
4180528 Sequel in what regard?
A sequel for this story, or even better a new chapter!
btw nice hat.
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Insta-Fav and Like.
This story intrigues me, keep up the good work. 