Twilight Sparkle Can't Keep Her Balance

by Sir Clopsolot

Chapter 1

I should warn you that this contains a lot of swearing so if you don't like that kind of aggressive humor I advise you to not read this for your own sake.

"Ow! God dam it!" Twilight cursed as she fell on her face for the third time in a row. It had been a morning like any other but for reasons Twilight couldn't explain she awoke to find herself unable to stand for more than a few moments. She wobbled back onto her hooves only to fall flat on her face again as she tried to take a step forward.

"What the hell's going on? Spike! I could use some help here!" She decided to just stand in one spot, she couldn't trip over herself if she didn't move after all.

"Spike!" She yelled again. No response. The baby dragon was probably sleeping in as he always conveniently does because hes a fucking baby and babies sleep too dam much.

"Spike get your scaly ass up here!" Still nothing. I need to start force feeding him that little child slave caffeine so he get shit done. Fuck it! Twilight thought to herself. She decided to just teleport to that little shit and beat him awake. Her horn flared and made a spark-like sound as her teleportation spell went off. She appeared upside down several feet in the air next to Spikes slave basket. Because slaves don't get real beds!

"Fuck!" Twilight yelled out as she landed and hit the back of her head against the wooden floor. She ground her teeth and growled in both anger and frustration. She rolled over and managed to stand up with some difficulty. She stood with wobbly legs about a foot too far to physically wake up Spike with a beating. Despite knowing full well what would happen she attempted to take a step forward and, as expected, drunkenly fell forward and landed her face right into the dragons fucking ass.

"Shit!" Twilight winced in disgust at the I've-never-bathed-in-my-live stench of shit literally billowing out in thick green fumes from the disgusting waste of a life that was Spike. He smelled bad. Twilight wildly swung her hoof at the purple cunt-nugget. She had intended to smack him right upside his head but her coordination was inhibited by something unknown so the strike just flew right over him. She growled even louder than before and yelled out to him, "Wake up u little cunt!"

His eyes opened and Spike blinked so hard it was un-fucking believable. He had lived his whole baby life in constant physical and mental abuse from Twilight that he was mentally unstable. His life is such a living hell that it's all he knows and he would go on a murderous rampage if he wasn't abused in some way by every pony he saw. He deserved it too, I mean dragons live for bazillions of years, that's not fair is it?

"Morning Twilight." Spike said absorbing Twilight's verbal assault like some kind of verbal assault absorbing sponge. He was surprised Twilight opted to wake him up with a verbal attack instead of a physical one and knew right away something was wrong with her. "Hey Twilight you don't look so good. You all right?"

"No I'm not all right!" Twilight spazzed her hoof about pathetically attempting to strike the dragon in vain. Spike needed his medicine. She gave up her futile attack and put her hoof back down on the floor which caused her to loose her balance and fall flat on her face yet again. Spike took a step forward in a failed attempt to catch his supreme overlord midfall. "Dam it!"

"Twilight!" Spike called out with concern for his life-long friend. He wrapped his arms around Twilight to help her back on her feet. "Don't fucking touch me slave!" She responded.

"What's wrong with you Twilight?" Shit Stain asked, legitimately worried.

"I don't fucking know! I need you to take me to the hospital," said Twilight.

"How am I supposed to do that?" Spike asked. "Last time I checked I ride you everywhere, giggity, and I'm half your size."

"You retarded little shit!" Twilight lashed out at him with the hope that her verbal attack would be enough abuse to get Spike through the morning. "Summon the other Elements of Harmony! By their powers combined they summon Captain Take-Me-To-The-Fucking-Hospital!"

"Alright, alright. You're not being very nice today Twilight." Of course by that he was referring to the lack of a beating. The poor dear needed hard physical contact to function properly. He left the library tree house thing to collect the mane six sisters. By the time he returned Twilight had stumbled her way down to the entrance of the library tree with the inconsistent front door that changed every time someone looked away. She was laying on the floor completely exhausted, her face bruised from falling on it with every step she made.

" Uh, Twi? Y'all feeling alright?" Applejack asked. Twilight looked up at her with fire in her eyes.

"Did I say you could talk orange one?" Twilight asked impatiently. She paused waiting for a response and got none. "Well? Did I stutter?"

"No ma'am" Applejack answered, bowing her head in shame.

"That's right, I didn't," Twilight barked, "I'm Twilight Fucking Sparkle and none of you will speak unless spoken to or I will perform an autopsy on your still living corpses!" And she totally would. "You're all my bitches and I say my bitches are going to carry me to the hospital!"

The five ponies surrounded Twilight without another word. They worked together to pick her up and carry their magical overlord to where she commanded lest she follow up on her threat. And they all knew she totally would if they didn't do as was told. Rarity used her bullshit unicorn magic to poof some kind of extravagant platform into existence. Four of them went to each corner to lift up their unicorn overlord. They carried her to their destination while the Yellow One hovered above in a saucy outfit fanning Twilight with some kind of large fern.

They reached the emergency ward of the Ponyville Hospital. Yellow One and That Other One With Wings each pick up Twilight by an arm and hovered her into urgent care where the doctors would use everything available to medial science to fix Twilight. The other mane six sisters all waited and prayed for the health of their adopted sister.

After several hours Dr Muffinhead emerged from urgent care with Ditzy Derpy Doo, or whatever the hell people call her, chewing and drooling all over his muffin-shaped hair. With an inappropriate grin Dr Muffinhead wheeled out a chair bound Twilight Sparkle, who in all honesty was looking pretty bummed out. "Good news everyone! Turns out that Twilight here has developed a malignant brain tumor."

Everypony let out a collective sigh of relief. Except for the deadly brain tumor, everyone was happy that Twilight would be okay. "Phew, that It? I was worried there," Twilight said with relief, "So what exactly can you do to treat it?"

"Absolutely nothing," Dr Muffinhead said with a smile, "You only a few months left to live."

Twilight agressivly narrowed her eyes at the retarded doctor. "Fuck that. Do you have any idea who I am? I'm Twilight Fucking Sparkle!" And she magiced the tumor away, like a fucking boss.

A/N: Yeah I think Twilight is kind of a jerk in this. Anyways I think this little gem deserves a very vague explanation: McDonald's Twilight toy.

I make no apologies for the excessive swearing, however I do apologize for my poor grammar. I can't English.

Comments

[Ocean Breeze]

Ponies swearing isn't the kind of thing I like. Good work!

[Hungrybear]

I liked the part with Twilight.
Good ol' Scumbag Twilight
i.imgur.com/clGZ0.png

Have a hoof up

[Appleloosa2011]

What the fuck!?

[hyourei]

This amuses me...for some reason.

[Monsterthedragon]

AWWWW I really wanted to see Captain Take-Me-To-The-Fucking-Hospital

[the_panic]

I totally lost it at "Captain Take-Me-To-The-Fucking-Hospital".

You are an amazing person.

Also, I read Muffinhead's lines in the voice of Professor Farnsworth. God damn it.

[Fley_The_Dragon]

Okay. This made me laugh for realz.

[Dashi Lover]

Relied WAY to much on 5-fisting. Unless you consider the F word a joke (Which I do not) I don't think there was a single joke in as far as I got.
I can forgive the derogatory bits. But the lack of actual jokes, no.

[Sir Clopsolot]

402233 look harder, I'm sure you can find a joke in there somewhere. Like...ummm that bit where Twilight swears? That was pretty funny right? Well I think where I was going with this was that the joke is that Twilight is this massive scumbag that treats everyone like dirt but every other character is completely normal and don't bat an eye or even mention this extreme personality shift. Or, you know, whatever works for you.

[kladdos]

My fucking mind is now full of fucking fuck! aw fuck!
that was somehow quite fucking funny. Even though I normally dont fucking like any of these fucking cursing fics, this one was somehow made funny.

fucking good job on that, cunt!

No seriously... it really was somehow pretty funny.... keep up the lol work...

[CanterlotGuardian]

sorry to say it man, but asshole Twilight turned me off. I won't be coming back to read any more parts from this story.

[JBL]

Not so good...

[Superanon74]

*looks up McDonald's Twilight toy*

did this develop in your head when you first saw the toy? or did you always have an idea of twi being a bitch and needed a reason for her to go to the hospital?

[xxvii]

tears,bruh