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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Celestia and Luna seemed suprisingly uncaring about the fact that the examiners discriminate against people with a VERY low income.
"Huh, so they didn't let you enter because you are poor?.....well that's a bummer, oh well now it's time for a test!"
Hookshot, a HIMYM reference, twin flashing, and Twilight misinterpreting a fight for a sex scene. Yes, this chapter is gold.
You really know how to put eris a the daughter of chaos, and grey is someone that use the logic. But im wonderingif there will be a total bad guy as voldermort or shit like that in this fic
nice
a great story about a generic sue will fave
*Bell rings* Alright,class is in session, so lets start the class with a review:
*sigh* Why can't it be this easy in getting a job?
*ring ring* Hello?
Bitch, did you just hang up on...*end call*
Wow, so you made Trixie better than Twilight. Part of me wants to shout blasphemy since Twilight is the fucking Element of Magic meaning she is more powerful than anyone.....buuuuuttttt I'm not going to complain. It's nice to see that Twilight isn't so perfect.
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What's to stop Eris from taking it away from him when he least suspects it now that she knows he has it?
Not sure how I know how a club runs since I've never been to one. But I think the bouncers job is to stand outside let people in, keep some out, and kick them out. So I don't think they'll be waiters or bartenders.
Best twins in the show make an appearance. I always wonder if that really happens in real life or that's all TV and movies. You did miss the perfect opportunity for a anime nosebleed.
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FALCON PUNCH!
Is this going to be a problem since Grey works at a nightclub which stays open very late? And of course, I'm curious to know what the punishment is for breaking curfew.*end of review*
So looks like Grey had a very interesting first day of school. As they say, once you hit rock bottom the only now is up.
4146386 As for the whole flashing twin thing, I can say that it indeed does happen in real life. I've seen it happen. Best. Night. Ever.
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What do you mean rock bottom?
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This... doesn't surprise me. If Celestia and Luna were all like "SOCIAL JUSTICE CRUSADERS YAY!" then the testers would never have been allowed to get away with it. When you look up the definition of "clueless privilege" in the dictionary you probably see people like Celestia and Luna. I'm not saying they're bad people or that they won't fix it now that they know, but if it was something that offended them deeply to their very core, they wouldn't have allowed it to happen in the first place. In the real world, there are metrics that allow you to tell if the proportion of low-income people getting into a school is skewed; failure to employ such metrics means Celestia and Luna are not paying attention.
And now a nitpick for the author, or two rather:
I am really enjoying the story so far, but I have two small issues thus far.
Firstly: uniforms? Really? I have never heard of a university with uniforms. This isn't Hogwarts; it's not a boarding school that covers the middle school and high school age ranges, it's a university, which means young adults. Uniforms tend to be employed in places where either you need to be able to tell at a glance what someone's role is (like the bouncers working for Vinyl) or you want to generate a sense of camaraderie and we're all together in harmony yay, so I could see Celestia thinking it was a good idea, but universities don't use them generally because the whole point to university is to develop who you are as a person and emphasize and develop your personal uniqueness; that's why no two students have the same schedule, generally. You're writing this university like it's a high school, with numerous classes crammed close together. Is it supposed to be a high school and it's just called University? (I live in a city where there's a high school called City College, so this is not impossible.) But if it's a high school how did Grey get a job as a bouncer? Is the drinking age low enough where they live that teenagers are boozing it up? :-) I noticed the discrepancy because I was totally weirded out when Discord reminded Grey about his uniform. Discord? Tell someone to wear a uniform? If the school has uniforms then yeah, because he's chaotic not stupid; he wants his student to succeed. But why is the God of Chaos teaching at a school that has uniforms?
Secondly: thus far Grey is an engaging and interesting character, but he is just starting to shade a little into Stuness. He had excellent reasons for doing better than Trixie and Twilight on the first two tests -- more experience shooting things in real life means more experience shooting things with your magic, and a low income guy is likely to have a lot more experience shooting or throwing things at a target than upper class girls; and the reason Discord took him on as a student is that he thinks outside the box, so the idea of pouring the water with no magic at all makes great sense. But making him also more magically powerful than Twilight and Trixie is going a bit far. His specialness shouldn't be in his power levels -- Twilight should stll be more powerful than him (and Trixie being more powerful than Twilight is an interesting choice, but Twilight's more likely to be paralyzed by performance anxiety; Trixie probably does her best work when everyone's looking at her and she's under pressure and in competition, whereas that probably either drags Twilight down or makes her overcompensate and go out of control). If he's a smart, tricksy guy who thinks outside the box and is fairly unflappable and rolls with the punches and doesn't need the formal control of a wand and in general is a good candidate for the student of Trickster, that makes him a worthy hero of the story. If he's also the most powerful mage in school, that makes him a Stu. You should find opportunities to demonstrate that Twilight and Trixie have more raw power than he does, but his ability to think outside the box enables him to solve problems raw power can't.
Now for the good. I love seeing an accurate depiction of a trickster-type character in his early years. Someone mentioned an anime nosebleed; terrible idea, glad you didn't go with it. Anime nosebleed is a symbol of virginity/sexual inexperience; it's applied to characters, usually guys, who may be lecherous but are not in fact getting any and thus are very, very vulnerable to sexual power being used against them (ie, very easily distracted by the thought of sex.) A guy who is not a virgin, who is comfortable with sex and gets it often enough that he's not desperate, will not get a nosebleed. I like that Grey is not falling into the trap of the typical anime hero who is so nervous and uncomfortable with sexuality that when his roommate pretends to be having sex with him to freak out a classmate, he'd throw a fit. Grey just rolls with it; he doesn't flip out that Eris is pretending they're having sex. He lets the two girls who flash him through, not because he's so overwhelmed by their attractiveness that he drops his jaw and goggles while they walk right past him, but because they weren't on either list so it was his call and his call was, nice tits, let me reward you for showing me them. He lays down the law with Eris' redecoration, but he isn't all like "Aaah! My desk is on the ceiling!" but just "Hey, kid, do what you want, but there are some limits."
All this is great. This kind of character, who isn't easily discombobulated and who keeps his own center in the face of chaos, is a good choice for a student of Discord's, and a good candidate to become a chaos mage himself, or at the very least a trickster. But he can't be totally unfazed by everything. It's awesome that thus far, the only obstacle Grey has come up against that he has not been able to either overcome or shrug off was failing his test on account of not enough bits in his bank, which Discord saved him from. But you have to start introducing obstacles that he can't easily overcome or it becomes a weak story.
My suggestion is: identify to yourself Grey's weaknesses. He's probably not good in groups. He probably does not trust easily. He probably maintains an unflappable persona in part to maintain control; if no one ever sees him lose his cool then it doesn't matter if they're doing crazy shit, it looks like they're doing it with his permission because it doesn't upset him. But he isn't truly unflappable, no one is (even Discord can lose his temper over things not going the way he wanted them to). He's willing to tell people to piss off, he doesn't care, if they verbally get on his shit for being a poor kid; but he might be blindsided by active prejudice working against him, the way he was roadblocked by the testers when he tried to get into the school. Figure out what Grey is going to need from other people, and put him in a situation where he has to find a way to get it, to present him with a challenge. And do exactly what you're doing -- don't follow classic anime hero tropes because anime heroes are almost never Trickster avatars (I am not actually sure Japanese mythology has a Trickster.) Don't blindly follow cliches. You have demonstrated so far a good sense of what makes your character in particular unique; keep doing that.
4146833
You know just the fact the he was a orphan raised in the shitty part of Canterlot, where he struggle in a day to day basis.
4147127
I think your overthinking this. The nosebleed was just a gag no need to get into his personality. And I know the type of personality those certain characters are but they aren't the only ones who get nosebleeds. Plus we don't know if Grey is a virgin or has sexual tension since we haven't seen his thoughts on that. But again that was just to be a gag for that one scene I'm not asking he does it everytime he sees boobs. This also is a way to make him not so Stu-ish.
you know, if this was fleshed out a bit more, it'd be even better than it already is. like, since it's from his perspective, give us more of his thoughts on people, places, and situations. maybe have us read what's going through his mind as he puzzles out a situation. i could imagine what he was thinking when he was taking the test for the headmasters, but it would have been interesting to actually read it. does that make sense?
Great chapter, but i only have one problem:
His name is SNOWFLAKE!!!!!!!!!
He siad as he snapped his fingers and the light shut off. Um I think this is wrong
Write more
4422187
How? He snapped his fingers to use magic to turn off the lights?
Gotta remember he uses his magic through his hands not his wand...he holds the wand to trick everyone.
*fist pump* so awesome! Wondering how his job is going to work out now though... Wait, couldn't he just teleport to his room..
Said
I usually don't bother telling people about spelling errors, but because that particular one was at the very end, I just thought I'd let you know.
Silent never dissapoints. Found this story a couple days back, I'm liking it already.
Also...
Fuckers. Those guards.