The flashback
BEEPBEEPBEEP!
My alarm woke me up. I reached over and turned it off. Soon my mother came up to my room.
“Come on Shadow Light, time for school.”
I opened my eyes to see a mare about four feet tall. Her blue eyes shined in the sun. She lightly laid a wing on me, her blue coat in a mess.
“I got your favorite food down stairs”
“Grr....Fine.” I sheepishly said getting out of my bed. “Mind getting out?”
“Hmm..Oh sorry.” She said. I notice her voice was a little weaker than usually.
Parents, Everypony hates them. I finally got out of my bed and headed to my bathroom. I walked in and grab my toothbrush. Unlike my parents I was a unicorn. I stopped right as soon as I open my mouth. I look closer into the mirror and stared at two little thing. my black coat and back necklace blended together. My green eyes looked sharp, almost soul stealing.
“Darn it why now?” I asked myself. “I can’t go to school like this!”
Those “things” I was talking about were fangs. I closed my mouth as I hear hoofsteps. My mouth watered, I was hungry, but for...blood
I walked out and saw nopony. “Must have been my dad.” I walked downstairs to the dining room.
“Hello Shadow,” my mother pointed to the pancakes on the table. “eat up now.”
I took a seat, but didn’t stay long. “I’m not hungry, I am just going to go.”
I hopped out the chair and left right as soon as I got my bag.
“Bye Shadow, have fun.” She called to me. That’s what she always said before I turned into this.
I walked maybe a good mile before I bumped into a friend.
“Hi Lightning, sorry.” He dropped his bag and I picked it up for him.
“Ah it’s ok,” he looked look over to my flank and smile. “You enjoying that mark?”
“Yea, you gave it to me..somehow.” It was about a year ago when this all started. I saw the whole night flash before me.
________________________________________
Lightning told me to head to the wood behind my house, why I don’t know. I walked for about a half hour before I spotted my pegasus friend. He looks strange, maybe sleepy I didn’t know.
“Hello Shadow.” His voice rang in my head, smooth and caring. I looked around trying to find anything, all I saw was trees.
“S-something wrong?” I looked in his eyes, bad mistake.
It felt like he was looking into my soul. His eyes shined their red color. “Dude are you ok?”
“Never felt better,” Lightning walked up to me, his eyes not leaving mines. “You know...you and me very different, you’re an unicorn and I’m a pegasus, but yet we all have ties.”
“W-what do you mean?” I couldn’t move, something was holding me. I tried lighting my horn, but nothing.
He walked closer, I tried moving, but couldn’t. “Easy,” he opened his mouth, there were two fangs. I felt fear enter my body. “You see there’s more to me, now lay down.”
“No...” I felt my body lay down, I was on my back shaking my head. “Please Lightning, please don’t!”
“Oh come on Shadow, it won’t hurt...much.” He bent down, I could feel his warm breath.
“No please don-” he bit down. I could feel his little fangs slip deeper into my neck, then he began to feed. I could feel the blood leave my body, but you think it would hurt. It didn’t. I don’t know how long he fed, but I soon passed out.
I woke up maybe two hours later to him still feeding. “Dang, slow eater.” I said to myself.
“Wait..HE’S FEEDING OFF ME!”, I looked around and soon back to him, his eyes were closed, but soon opened.
I reached a hoof up to push him off, but I had no energy. “Lightning please...I don’t want to die.”
He stopped and stood up, a bit of blood dripping from his fangs. “Now why would I kill my best friend?”
“B-but you just did!”, I yelled with all my energy. “My own friend just-”
“If I killed you, then why are you still here?” His voice softened. I could see his eye change color for a split second. “You are now, one of me...”
“I can’t be no-” a sharp pain shoot through me. It felt like my heart stopped. My heart did just stop. “What’s happening?!” I yelled.
He smiles. “It’s taking effect. You’re already changing. You see, now you're immortal, like me, so you don’t need a heart.”
“I’m what?”
“Immortal and a vampony.” He smiled, I had so many questions.
“How long have you been one?” I kept getting weaker and weaker.
“About five years. I’ve been waiting for you.” He frowned, “I should’ve asked.”
“Yeah, you should’ve. Why didn’t you just tell me?!” I didn’t know if I blacked out or if something happened, but I woke up in my bedroom. Lightning was looking at me.
“Hello sleepy head.” He had a wide smiled, fangs showing.
“Grr...You will-” my belly rumbled stopping me. “Can you get me an apple or something?”
He shook his head and smiled. “Can’t.”
“Why?!”
“You’re a vampony, you need blood, but soon you will be able to eat normally again.” he smiled. I could tell he was thinking one thing.
“Wait. Nononononono! I am NOT feeding off of you!" I looked over to the window. It was open. I smiled. “You carried me home, thanks.”
“Come on, it won’t hurt me. Besides, you need it or you’ll go mad for blood.” He moved over to me. “Just bite me.”
I laid there, looking at his neck. I could feel my mouth water, my mind kept telling me to bite his neck. He moved closer. I shook my head, I wasn’t about to be like my friend.
“Don’t fight it, trust me.” He smiled.
I gave in and reached up to his neck and bite down. The rush of blood caught me off guard. I could feel it on my fangs, all of my lost energy coming back to me. It felt amazing! It’s like I drank my favorite drink! I stopped and he stood back up. "One more question," I said.
“How do you walk in the sun?” The biggest question I had, for five years, was how he had walked in the sun, if he is a vampony.
“It just burns a bit more. If I were you I would stay away from the sun for about a week.”
“But-” I tried getting a hold on him, but I was too sleepy.
“You’ll get used to it.” A black mist formed around him and then he was gone. All I saw was a wink.
I fell asleep. So much was going through my head, "Why?" Why, was my main question. "Why me, why now?" This was fucking high school, not just normal life.
________________________________________
“So, how long did it take for you to find the mark?” he smiled. My cutie mark was a drop of blood surrounded by my magic.
“About 3 days..my parents were a little worried, but that soon passed.” I looked up and spotted the high school. “Well, New Year, here we come.”
Being one of the only six unicorns in my school, it was kinda hard to get around. Everyday it was the same thing. I was a magic user, I was lazy, different things, but I just let them pass. I wasn’t a fighter.
We walked in, I looked around trying to find if the school’s bullies were anywhere. There were ponies of different size, color, and race. I didn’t even see one of the few unicorns. I don’t even think there’s one unicorn teacher.
“You know, I’ve been hungry.” I turned to face Lightning.
“Listen at lunch, we could head out to the woods, or find somepony, cause I need to show you something.” His eyes lit up.
I shook my head and kept walking and entered my new class: History. I loved history and one thing popped out, Discord. I don’t know what it was about him, but he just made History interesting. When he became good, he took up a job here as the new history teacher. Hella fun, everyday was never boring, always fun.
The guy that wrote the night wolfe fic, eh?
*reads*
Well, that escalated quickly.
Sweet Jesus, the guy just out-and-out sinks his teeth into the poor guy! And he's supposedly his friend! Your grammar is alright, it's by no means bad, but slow the heck down.
4034375 thank you..I will that was just a flashback. After write that one story, I've gotten better. Thank you. I will slow down
When the next chapter out
4034389 When will I have the next? I say about a week, I have two other stories
I don't hate it, but the name Shadow Light is so edgy I think I cut myself just by looking at the monitor. It's also not very imaginative. I'd liken it to calling your anti-hero 'Goodbad', or calling his archnemesis 'Evillor'.
Random tense changes from past to present and back to past. Oh, and wooden dialogue. Holy christwagons, the guy just got bitten by his friend, passed out, and thought he was dying! And the best you can do for a reaction is 'Dang..slow eater'?! I know the urge to write a snarky character is overwhelming, but this isn't the reaction of a living being, here. It's the reaction of a robot, or perhaps someone who has literally nothing in the way of survival instincts.
There's a point where 'snarky' becomes 'unable to have any other reaction by dry sarcasm', and you're there. Oh boy, are you there. His reactions to being made into a vampony are so wooden you could dress him in a trenchcoat and call him Keanu.
Needs a lot of fleshing out, and a character with more than one facial expression. Maybe edit this, and bump it up to 2k words? That'd ensure you get the necessary character interactions and depth you need from a first person protagonist, because 'generic snarky teenager' won't cut it for writing first person.
Good luck
4034891 Will do
4034965 can you make a pony of my pony creeper cake in this story pls
4034965 and creeper cake is a male
4088632 Sorry..no can do, I might do a picture.
Why the fuck did his friend kill him?
I can proof read for you.
4088667 Friend didn't kill him really, turned him
4088674 But what was the point of it?
4088686 To turn him into a vampony. He wanted Shadow to be like him
4088692 Oh. Also, as i stated in a different comment, i can proof read for you. No offense, but JESUS CHRIST YOU NEED IT.
4088703 Where??
4088707 .....Your fucking joking, right? Please tell me your joking.
4088711 Calm down...please..can't be that bad
4088713 Well yeah, but still.
A much better line would be: Yawning, i stretched out my fore hooves and softly turned off the clock. Hearing my mother trotting to my room, I pushed off my blankets and laid up.
\
New Line: As the door opened, my still half asleep mother came in and laid her ruffled blue wing on me. Her blue coat was a mess, with hair sticking everywhere, and her eyes, the same color as her fur, sparkled in the sun.
I can write down some more.
4088731 Yea..I can see...let me think about it please, besides my friends are yelling at me on Arma
4088736 Sorry.
4088739 Bah...just got blew out of the sky
4088739 and is it you that disliked it..just wondering, I won't be mad
4088749 Yes. I also favorited it.
4088760
4088761 I want too see where it goes and how you improve.
4088765 Well..to tell you, Discord and Twi (non alicorn) Will be in it. Teachers
4088768 OH NOOOOOOO.
Cool.
4088780 Good or bad..like what?
4088781 I was kidding. It seems like a cool and unique idea to use Discord as a teacher- to me, at least. Now, time to sleep!
4088787 History teacher
4088788 can you put me for the next part of your story
4101589 No..NO..NO
You said the next chapter would be out in a week its been 3 weeks
4132244 ever heard of high school..it's almost done then my editor needs to look at it
IT'S BEEN 40 WEEKS SINCE THE LAST COMMENT BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T GIVE MY OPINION!!!!! Anyway, I'm not one of critiquing grammar or such either (usually things people look at before the next chapter, although you could still edit at any time) but I like to give (late) opinions on content, cause, new member, but good writer nonetheless. Anyway, the story was good throughout, but transitions between the flashback could of been better. Anyway, good chapter.