• Member Since 24th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen Dec 12th, 2023

Flutter_Bat


T

Applejack is frustrated. After Canterlot, she can't hardly get into the city anymore. With all of the added security, she isn't sure how much longer she can keep her secret. As if that wasn't bad enough, she needs to see Princess Celestia about saving her failing crops. Suddenly frustrated doesn't seem accurate anymore...


Cover Art by Conicer

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 94 )

HHHHHMMMMMM........
"rubs chin"
this could be interesting.

Comment posted by Sejen deleted Mar 4th, 2014

I'll put it on my wait list till it's a bit longer. I hate waiting.

hmm already have a applejack is changeling story

another cant hurt favved and thumbed up

I'm willing to ignore a lot of things that don't make sense (like why it would take 2 hours to step through a barrier.) but what would be the point of wiping her memory to the extent that she fights against changelings? and how/why did she make Twilight faint? there's no mention of a spell, Twilight would be better at it and she is surrounded by guards with a princess standing there.
I'll come back to this latter. maybe.

4033432
The long involved check is what takes hours. the short version only dispels basic disguises. changeling mind spells would be unaffected.

the memory thing will be explained.

Twilight fainted from shock, not magic... one of her best friends is a changeling after all...

4033459
So Twilight took a changeling at it's word, without question? she believes that a species who's survival depends on deception, is incapable of lying?

Hmm, yeah, okay, I guess I can give a little bit of advice on this one. :unsuresweetie:

First comes chapter size. You are barely managing to get the lowest allowed word count for stories on the site. Which shows a lack of effort in the story. Which flows into the second issue it. Lack of details. You have a bad issue with telling and not showing. Just saying "Twilight fainted" is less wordy and has less impact then something like...

The absurdity of the changelings remark takes Twilight back for a moment. There was no way her words could be true, it had to be a lie! But... if they were a lie then why would she willingly subject her self to a changeling test? Twilight's heart raced and her eyes widened as the crushing truth of the situation dawns on her. Her joints give in to the weight of her body as her world is quickly over taken by darkness.

That gives a bit more depth and interest to the scene and just makes it more engaging to read. If you get in the habit of showing the world instead of just talking about it. You will get a better word count, and even have more to work with in your story.

With that said, I also need to point out how FAST this story is going. While I agree with this chapter being the reveal. I don't agree with everything you gave away in it. In this chapter you gave away that AJ was not alone, that there was never a "real" AJ, and that the changeling is evil. That is truly way too much info about your story world that you gave away. It makes me wonder what you are going to do in the rest of this story. There are also a few other flaws that others in your comments have covered.

With all that said, I am going to toss this story on my read later... and give it a down vote for now. I feel like you are not managing to do what YOU want with this story. I will come back later to see if you have addressed the more glaring issues and show a honest wish to improve.

Stay awesome! :rainbowdetermined2:

~Lightfox Lowell

(( YAY, did this post with no sleep and its 7am. Forgive me for all the grammar sins! ))

4033517

First comes chapter size. You are barely managing to get the lowest allowed word count for stories on the site. Which shows a lack of effort in the story.

I will work on this.

Which flows into the second issue it. Lack of details. You have a bad issue with telling and not showing.

and

With that said, I also need to point out how FAST this story is going. While I agree with this chapter being the reveal. I don't agree with everything you gave away in it. In this chapter you gave away that AJ was not alone, that there was never a "real" AJ, and that the changeling is evil. That is truly way too much info about your story world that you gave away. It makes me wonder what you are going to do in the rest of this story.

This was originally a one-shot. I was intending to give a lot away when I wrote it. I actually have a lot left to write about, so leave the story planning to me, i've got that worked out already. :pinkiehappy: also who said that there was never a "real" AJ? :pinkiecrazy: they had to get the alias from somewhere. but enough, that will all be explained later...

And I do fully intend to improve. I just wasn't expecting this to turn into more than the one-shot it was when I wrote it.

4033516 Twilight hasn't evaluated anything yet, she is dealing with shock for now. We'll get there, just bear with me... :pinkiecrazy:

Hmmm...aside from the minor lack of detail and size
memeurl.com/memes/not-bad.jpg

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but there's already a story with a similar name, but different premise.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/49776/a-canterlot-wedding-aftermath
Nonetheless, I hope this story proves enjoyable for others.

4035755 Well damn... Full disclosure, I was hoping there wasn't, but at the same time kinda expected this at some point... Ah, to hell with it! I'm not changing it. I mean, do you know how long it took to come up with a halfway appealing title?:pinkiesick:

4036109 I know how difficult that can be, and I applaud your decision to stand by the name you chose. Good luck with future endeavors!:twilightsmile:

4033702

also who said that there was never a "real" AJ?

Um... you did.

You will pose as five ponies of your own creation! We have names, and positions available for each of you.

4036818 Yes, meaning that they craft the way the pony acts, speaks, etc. Doesn't mean there were never ponies with those names to begin with, albeit completely different from the ponies-ahem-changelings that may-or-may not be associated with said names. (remember that not all names will be used... only 5 are sent :pinkiecrazy:)

4036955 Patience, my little pony, the hive shall pleasure you in due time... :pinkiecrazy:

4036959 uhhhhhhhhhh what kind of pleasure (nothing with pinkie please)

4037224 I'm gonna die ain't I or cocooned?

4037253 That depends... Do you love the hive?

Gotta say, this is moving wayyyy too fast for my tastes.

On the other hand, changelings, and on my penis an undefined, limb, you got custom cover arts from Conicer, which means it must be pretty okay.

I shall reserve voting until there's more to vote on.

4038533 Yeah, I know it moved way fast in this chapter. It's mostly due to length and the fact I purposely wrote it that way because it was going to be a one-shot. I've since changed my mind on that, and all will be fleshed out, and most importantly, longer, with the next chapter. I'm spending as much time as I can writing this, hoping the next chapter gets out in the next week or so. (A week on the outside, hopefully. Dem crazy teachers :raritydespair:)

Interesting, though if she really is Applejack she sounds a little evil near the end...
Also, the hint that Applejack is her own Alias is interesting, is the entire Apple family in Ponyville changelings?
I hope you update soon, this is a little confusing but also interesting.

4039055 I'm working on chapter two with all of my free time. as for the "evilness" of applejack, I will neighther confirm nor deny that. you'll just have to wait and see my little pony... :trollestia:

As for the Apples: Maybe.... :pinkiecrazy:

see my reply to the parasprite for my best guesstimate at a time frame.... :pinkiesick:

now to steal from a good movie: The wait may be long, but the chapter is coming! (TDK) :twilightblush:

But seriously, I'm working on it. :raritywink:

4039133
Oh well.
Seriously, this is an interesting read.
I can't wait to see what happens next, and I hope the next chapter clears some thing up. :)

4039142 Well it may or may not be titled "Explanations" :raritywink:

4039160
Well that would definitely be convenient...

4039160
Of course, the joke there is that it actually consists entirely of a flashback sequence where Applejack explains--in excruciating detail--how two ponies are able to handle all of the physical labour at Sweet Apple Acres, with considerable amounts of apple trivia throw in.

4039301 Stop looking over my shoulder, what are you, a SPY? :pinkiegasp::rainbowhuh::rainbowlaugh:

So far it's kind-of interesting, but it seems to me that Twilight really didn't have any reason to faint at the end. I don't think that she would suddenly believe that her close friend was a changeling all along, especially since said changeling was acting so un-Applejack-like at the end (I don't think the real Applejack would call Twilight a fool). I understand that Carapace's thoughts are muddled, but it still doesn't make all that much sense to me.

4036818

So, wait, how does this even work? They can't just have invented four townsponies. If Applejack and potentially either of her siblings are changelings, they'd need to convince the whole Apple clan that they are Granny's grandchildren, including Granny herself. And if Apple Bloom and/or Big Macintosh aren't changelings, you'd think they'd remember not having a sister. Don't get me started at how weird things get if Granny is a changeling. :rainbowhuh:

For that matter, if these 12 possible aliases are all straight up fabrications, doesn't that mean the remaining 8 characters don't actually exist in this setting? That means four of the Mane Six are out of the picture one way or another.

4039910 It wasn't exactly what it seemed to be. In layman's terms, Applejack.exe was temporarily "shut down" (more on that in ch. 2) and Carapace.exe "rebooted" (ditto). also I'm working on some minor edits for chapter 1 that will go up along with chapter 2. Again, this was originally a one-shot, and is a little out-of-hand for what it has/will become. :raritywink:

4039920
4036818
Full disclosure, this particular chain of posts is what made me consider editing chapter 1. (edits will be minor.):ajbemused:
Let me just clear this up. :rainbowdetermined2:
I apologize if I was unclear in the first chapter, but here is what you've missed:

1. Nopony, I repeat, nopony has been "made up" from scratch :pinkiegasp: The "aliases" listed in chapter one are actual, honest-to-goodness ponies living in ponyville that have been determined to be easy marks for replacement. This takes place before the events of the first season, which will be reconciled with a few, again minor, edits to chapter the first.

2. They are not making up any ponies physical traits, period. They are however making up slightly altered personalities based on interactions with the families/mementos the pony being replaced left behind. No, I cannot be any clearer than this ATM, but this will be made sense of and expanded upon in chapter 2, aptly titled "Explanations". (if you really think about how changelings work, and how they might infiltrate, you may have a good guess, however. :trollestia:)

3. The answer to the most important question of all: Yes, Chryssy will be in chapter 2. :rainbowlaugh: :pinkiehappy: :raritywink:

And again, full disclosure, not trying to harp or be mean at all, just answering some common questions i've seen in the comments. (Except for three, yes it's legit, and I regret NOTHING! :yay:)

- Flutters, over and out!

4039501
I'm not saying I am, but I'm not denying it either.

4041162

Won't somepony please save me? SAVE ME! :raritycry::raritydespair:

4039832

Well "maybe" you can have a cookie... ungrateful whelp... :ajbemused:

4041173 nah I like the hive I did that to buck with ya you sould've seen though it

4041279
I knew you were, I was messing with you. I didn't REALLY miss that obvious joke.... (and you'll never know if I did. :trollestia:) Now if you want your cookie, you will obey the hive and begin our invasion... :trixieshiftright:

4041311 figures you lucky the Cookie Monster ain't here

4041477 He was. I killed him. and when I did, I talked just LiKe THIS!

4041590 thank you for getting rid of my roommate kept eating all the bucking cookies

4040981

I apologize if I was unclear in the first chapter,

Extremely unclear. If they are real ponies that live, work, and have friends/family in Ponyville then this;

You will pose as five ponies of your own creation

is totally bullshit... even with this clarification;

They are however making up slightly altered personalities based on interactions with the families/mementos the pony being replaced left behind.

You realize that an "altered personality" is exactly what ruined their first invasion, right? Not to mention the fact that Carapace not knowing he/she wasn't Applejack invalidates your entire explanation comment?

4042235 Ok, This post is gonna be long. Buckle up, because here we go!

I'll be the first to admit, "ponies of your own creation" was not the right word choice. :rainbowderp: I plan to clarify that a bit in chapter 1 and a hell of a lot in chapter 2.

On to your second point. *cracks knuckles*

You realize that an "altered personality" is exactly what ruined their first invasion, right?

Ah, the crux of the issue. Here we go:

The "altered personality" issue: This is right, and wrong at the same time if that makes sense. The altered personality gave them away because they were acting negatively. E.g. Nervous, fearful of being discovered, acting like changelings, not how a pony would etc. BUT! An "altered personality", when the changes are positive can merely be viewed as "turning over a new leaf", or "character development", can they not? There is a reason those 12 were picked as targets, namely that their "personalities" were not the... most enjoyable. Not mean, per se, but nowhere close to their "canon" portrayals. Let me clarify:

Applejack: a farmer. In this universe (hence the "AU" tag), Applejack is a stubborn, bullheaded farmer. She doesn't lie, but she doesn't spare anyone from the truth, either. Carapace, takes over her life, as changelings are wont to do, and slowly "alters" her personality. E.g. Acting closer to how applejack does over the course of the show, creating familial bonds, growing ever closer to her family, being honest while showing tact etc.

In short, they alter the personality by becoming more likable, and more sympathetic over a long period of time. The personality ends up changing drastically, yes, but it's not noticeable, because these changes were gradual over the course of a few years.

Also, If someone in your life, started trying to "turn over a new leaf", and be more open, friendly, and approachable, and slowly became so, would you start screaming changeling? I thought not.

Not to mention the fact that Carapace not knowing he/she wasn't Applejack invalidates your entire explanation comment?

Carapace does know that she wasn't Applejack. Everything is clarified and makes more sense in chapter 2, but here is the gist of it: Her "disguise" is a lot different from that of a "canon" changeling. Disguising as somepony else actually "removes" (explained in great detail next chapter.) the changeling part of her mind, keeping it "backed up" in the hive mind. If she has disguised as somepony new, she uses the way they were observed acting, along with social cues from interaction with other ponies to react. This is why she ends up altering the personality of the pony she disguises as, because she is taking social cues from others, instead of ignoring them as most others do. For example: when someone habitually withdrawn walks into a room, assuming there are people in this room, there is a social stigma, along with potential peer pressure to join into whatever the others are doing. The habitually withdrawn person will straight up ignore this, and go do their own thing, where this "changeling" version will act shy, due to observing said person beforehand, and getting a feel for their personality. They will however take the social cue presented before them, and, while mostly in character, attempt to join in the group conversation, activity, etc. They wouldn't be boistrous or loud about it, but they would join in.

I'm going to stop talking now, this is literally everything I can give you at this point. (I want there to be some mystery in chapter 2, after all. :heart:)

Keep calm and Flutter on, you magnificent bastard, you!

Also: have a cookie! :moustache:

A really promising start. A bit too brisk a pace, but the implications of that list? Rather potent mix of :twilightoops:, :pinkiesad2: and :raritystarry: Can't wait to see how the other sleeper agents will react.

Really glad I noticed this before it vanished from the front-page. Going to be really interesting to see where this goes. Have a fav and up-vote.

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