I am a beatboxer, just getting into writing, I mostly finish a whole story before releasing,. I don't like to keep puting up parts.
A boy who moved to Ponyvile starts his new life. He is roomates with Rarity and friends with the mane six. He earns a job as a radio host with his boss Vinyl. He later on ends up with his first concert at an event. At which he wins somepony's heart.
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It's been a long time since I reviewed a story, as I consider myself a retired critic. But I'm bored, and I somehow ended up here, so I guess I'll give a quick review. But just a quick note before I begin; I can be harsh. Not to the point of belittling you and purposefully trying to make you feel ashamed. I'm just overly blunt and honest. So if some things sound a little mean or too blunt, just know that I mean no offense whatsoever. But I am definitely no hug box. Let's begin.
First of all, the most glaring and consistent problem is that this story suffers heavily from Floating Heads Syndrome. It's just one line of dialogue after another, with no indication of who is speaking and what they're doing. You have to give life to the characters, even when they are speaking, or else it's just wooden, boring dialogue. And worst of all is that more than 90% of this chapter is just that.
The next issue is definitely the grammar. Many missing periods, which is a huge sin in writing. There are many missing commas in the dialogue, which is unfortunate since your use of commas elsewhere is fairly solid.
"It's important to end a phrase of dialogue with a comma," I said, unsure if the author was aware of this rule, as the error occurred frequently.
Besides punctuation, there are a few misspelled words and butchered sentences. Not enough for me to question your competency as a writer or your education, but enough to definitely be a problem. One such sentence:
(I'm gonna guess that you meant to put an ellipses instead of that last comma).
Besides that, one word you consistently misspell is Ponyville, which has two L's. Kind of a big deal, as it is where the story takes place and something we see regularly in fanfiction. But more importantly, you misspelled it on the story description as well, which is a major red flag to any who read it. Something like that will make people not even give the story a chance. As for more in-depth grammar analysis, I usually point out and/or fix things in their G Docs, if that was the word program of choice, so I'm afraid I won't be adding further details. This could all be avoided however if you had an editor. There are groups dedicated to authors finding editors and vice-versa. I'd offer to do it, but I'm currently in the process of writing my own story, so I wouldn't be nearly as reliable as a full time editor. But your story wouldn't be too time consuming.
Now, for the thing that I've been dreading... I've delayed long enough, but it's time to discuss the most critical error of this story... and that is the story itself, or lack thereof. By reading this, I quickly deduced a few things about you:
1. You beatbox, and you like it. This was glaringly obvious.
2. You like MLP (duh, but true).
3. You would like to live in Equestria, even if it wasn't forever.
The reason why I say this is because the one thing I didn't feel was your desire to be a good writer, at least not from this one story. It seems that you wrote this purely to insert yourself into Equestria and live the perfect life you want. In fact, you even slipped in an "I" in the story, briefly changing the narrative perspective. It's also worth mentioning that your OC is the same name as your account. Don't do that... EVER. Self inserts are (almost) always bad.
Ignoring the fact that your OC is a self insert, let's discuss the biggest problem with him. Unfortunately, he is, like many people's first OC's, the embodiment of perhaps the worst of all writing sins: he is a Mary Sue. He is perfect, flawless in every way. Everything always goes perfect for him. Handsome, funny, loved by all, extraordinarily talented from the beginning and the envy of all his competitors. How would you feel if you had a neighbor named Gary Stu that was infinitely more handsome than you, lusted by all the woman (including yours) in a ten mile radius (even though he is married to the hottest, outlandishly sexy super model of a wife who was also a doctor), lived in a mansion that made the white house look like a broom closet, worked as the worlds greatest surgeon (and lawyer on weekends), somehow has the time to also be the owner of one of the most successful corporations on the planet and won the lottery every single day, giving it to charity every single time? Oh, did I mention that he's also secretly a super hero, fighting crime at night? Yeah, what a swell guy. Now tell me, how many people do you know like Gary? Point is, nobody is that flawless, and more importantly, nobody wants to read a story about him (well, maybe ironically, as I went a little overboard with Gary). People want someone they can relate to, even just a little. The problem with self inserts is that the author tends to reflect their best traits onto the character and magnifies them, and also adds traits they wish they had. This makes most self inserts Mary Sues.
Just to put it into even more perspective, there is no reason to read this fic after reading the story description, that's how uneventful it is. The description really says it all. He's already a professional beatboxer, so there is no climb to success. He's assimilated perfectly into Ponyville, being roommates with Rarity and friends with the mane six, so there is no introductions or new-guy-drama. He's already found a job with an established successful DJ, so there is no drama finding himself and his place in the world. And finally, the description tells us that he is going to find love. There was one thing that was slightly unknown in this otherwise shallow and uneventful story, and it's spoiled before you even click the first chapter. I now have no drive to read this story, as it shows no clear indication as to where it is going, and what has been revealed is beyond the peak of end-story character development and a romance that I already know the end to.
Another thing that needs to be said is that the characters are the most important part of the story, because without characters, no story. We need to grow with them, watch them develop over time as they not only face a harsh world populated with different and unique characters with their own agendas, but also face the flaws within themselves. They need to struggle to find their place in the world, and learn more about themselves, other characters and the world along their way. We get connected to the characters, and feel like we knew them our whole lives.
Not only do we not see Striker develop or find his place and allegiances with the characters we are already familiar with, you don't even tell us what he looks like. The point of a written story is to have the reader see their own vision of the story and characters as it plays out, which makes it feel more personal (and is almost always why the book is better than the movie). But you give us nothing to work with. I already know what Rarity looks like, but what if, for whatever reason, someone else doesn't? Then this truly is just floating mannequin heads exchanging dialogue against a blank background. You need to give us the tools required to paint the picture in our head.
Of course, you can sometimes get away with not explaining the details of the mane six, but absolutely not any OC's or more obscure background characters. Seeing how much of a Mary Sue Striker is, I could just imagine that he is a black and red alicorn with bat wings, and there was going to be a surprise twist later that he descends from royalty and that his parents are the greatest musicians to ever exist... and that Striker was also secretly a super hero. We know nothing about him, so why should I care?
There is more that can be said, but I think I said enough for now. Don't let any of this discourage you from writing. The only way to get better at anything is to keep doing it. I highly suggest you find really popular stories or books and read a lot. Seeing how other successful writers do it will allow you to develop structure and your own style of building it, and seeing what people like will help you perfect the formula that makes a story interesting.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask. I may actually add more to this if I'm feeling ambitious.
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Thank you for your criticism. I'm very greatful that some has taken the time to erite one.
Yes, you are right, rthis is a marry sue story. Some idiot told me it was a good idea to do that. I actualy figuered out that it was stupid before you even pointed that out, so I wasent going to finish it.
This story was also test. I didnt have intentions for this story to continue
I am a begginer wriiter, I will take your critic into consideration, in my next story.
And about the "floating heads" ive sen many people do that. I simply always found it to be a good idea, being that I think it shouldn't repeat "said him, or said her" a million different times.
I also saw that you never read the other 2 chapters.
It shows that he was humiliated on stage. Judt thought you should know that.
So beinning that this was a jump in and see what you get story. I will discard it for a different one. Like i said, this was just a test
Thank you for your critic
Btw, I know I didnt tell you about how he got thereor whatever. I wrote a bullcrap story a little while ago that I posted on deviant. It show what he is.