30 years of war, 30 bloody years, 30 years of death and destruction. The human-Covenant war as pushed humanity back to the edge extinction and humanity hope lies on the planet knows as REACH. But after months of fighting on and off planet the human fortress world of Reach as fallen and somehow in the chaos sent two Mark 3 Spartans named Ghost and Ice to Celestra's and Luna's front door-step. with no way home for now Ice and Ghost have to try a live in world of harmony. (MAKE SOME F*** FRIENDS) How in Equestria will Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Spike now have to deal with reforming the battle harden Spartans?
this my first story so it is not going to best and i am shocking shit at spelling and grammar but i will rewritten bit by bit to try and fix the spelling and grammar just give me time so please don't hate it because of that.
(side note- will try and add a new chapter every 2 to 3 months because i am a slow writer and because i don't have a lot of time on my hands on the best of days)
This story is being proofread by James Monson he is a good guy and a good friend.
All my little pony friendship is magic characters belong to Hasbro and halo to Bungie
(front cover was made by me.)
well it looks like i'm first
I'm putting you on my read later list.
This is strange. And the lime green fins are SPIKES! His name is Spike, so his mohawk is made of Spikes.
Okay, what should I say about this...... Well the premise is okay, but you got horrible grammer, pacing was okay though.......Charactization was alright, could use more personality on the main characters. You pretty much rushed it at the end, never, ever rush a story. so for what I have read right now, I will give a chance and wait and see if you can improve.
Okay when I see a grammer mistake in the first few lines, than just nope. I am going to come back to this story later, and I hope you go over these chapters to find the grammer mistakes you have made, did you even read them over before posting?
i wont dislike it, but a change is needed.
sorry, but i cannot keep reading this, the set up is good, but you must rewritte the whole thing and use pauses, also on this part
it could be like this.
you need to add more confusion, especially after the whole changing bodies thing, even spartans are humans in the end, so when writting you must put yourself on the place of the characters, asuming this is a new acurrence for them, a new experience, treat every character as his own persona.
also, remember that spartans are elite soldiers, that being said, they should be more cautious with the ponies, especially since the enemies that they fight are aliens, so there is the thought "should i realy trust this ponies?".
now, on the matter of grammar, here are two i spoted that need changing.
"shore" means task in english, the word that you are looking for is "sure".
also instead of flak you should say flank.
now, i must ask, would you like help in writting this fanfic? it might be not original, in terms of concept, but with the whole brother ans sister being spartans, it have potential to be interesting.
send me a message, if you want help.
4591918 please help me please
i tried to make this story a fast-pace because i my a slow writer and i don't know what it is called but i suffer with being unable to get things from my head on to paper plus my spelling and grammar is shockingly shit as you pointed out can you please help me
4593750 i will say the grammar and spelling is bad, but not bad enough to make me stop reading it. its one of the better fanfics that I have read in terms of story, and please don't get discouraged by other peoples comments use them to do better.
4593948 thank mate
4591918
Shore
noun
1. The land along the edge of a sea, lake, or other large body of water.
Under no definition of shore in the English language does shore mean task. A task is something a person is assigned to be completed. I believe you mean chore, which is synonymous with task.
Task
noun
1. A piece of work to be done or undertaken.
verb
1. Assign a piece of work to.
4593750
While the grammar and spelling are both lacking, the fact that you recognize that fact says that you are willing to improve and learn more. If you'd like help with grammar, flow, and spelling, I'd be willing to help. Shoot me a PM if you'd like such; also what you're talking about is dysgraphia. Thank you for writing!
He says, "I incest." 'Incest' I would change that as soon as possible. Look forward to next chapter.
4590831 the ear fins i was talking about and i know they spikes
but i was trying for a 4th wall joke.
You know, if you have grammar problems, I'd be willing to proofread this for you. Feel free to contact me if you're interested.
This isn't so much of a location as it is a situation; you could just put Unknown or possibly one of the cities on Reach.
Is Ice saying, "Ghost (vehicle) to your left," or "Ghost (Person), to your left." In other words, is he stating the hazard at that position or is he stating the direction a hazard is at to a person. If it's the latter, then there should be a comma between Ghost and to, as such: "Ghost, to your left!" Ice yelled. You could also consider using the standard military clock positions; so left would be 9:00: "Ghost, on your 9!" Ice yelled.
Misplaced a comma in here, it should be, "Ghost quickly grabbed her combat knife and swung her arm in a wide arc, slitting the elite’s neck and letting blood spill from the newly made wound." Just helps the flow a little bit, pretty small error.
This just sounds strange, as there are no pauses; this error is one I commonly see in combat scenes. A way to improve the flow would be to add a comma and perhaps reword it as such: "The elite placed his both of his hands over the wound in pain, drowning in his own blood as he fell to the ground." While you could keep in as is with the statements about bleeding, a being will die of lack of breathable gas before they bleed out. (Fun fact: it is hypothesized that your head will stay conscious anywhere from 20-30 seconds after decapitation. Another fun fact: this sounds extremely unpleasant.) I'm assuming his throat was slit. Since the three major arteries leading to the brain are in the back of the neck and follow the spinal cord, it is unlikely that he (the sangheili) would bleed out before loosing consciousness due to lack of oxygen. This wording would also allow you to throw out your next sentence as well.
I'm assuming this is a battle, and if that was the only hostile, then Ghost would already have noticed him on her radar before being caught unaware. 10 seconds in a battle is a long time, time that could be spent killing more things. Also, 10 seconds to bleed out is insanely fast; unless she cut his heart of of his chest, a being the size of a sangheili would take much longer to bleed out than 10 seconds. While I like the description, sitting there and smiling at a being while they bleed out at your feet sounds like a homicidal maniac, not a battle-hardened super-soldier. If it was revenge, it'd make sense, but this sounds more like a random elite that happened to be stupid enough to engage a Spartan in CQC.
For the scene with Ice stepping on a Jackal, it really starts to sound as though they've gone of the deep end and are merely torturing their enemies for the hell of it. The grammar and spelling in that area is actually pretty good, but Spartans are known for efficiency, not perverse exploitation of their equipment to torture their enemies while in battle. It's your choice entirely as to who you want them to be and their personalities, it's just slightly OOC. Also, thank you for recognizing that a Spartan weighs more than a paper airplane; most people cannot parse the fact that 1000 pounds will crush anything that isn't in power armor or the size of a car (Hunters and Gúta).
Looks like a formatting glitch here, might want to go through and look for those. Google-docs to FIMFic screws with formatting and the such. Also, auditable should be audible; clicked should also be click (one is past-tense the other is present)
Eh, if Ghost is wearing MJOLNIR Mark III armor, then this is way before the fall of Reach. I believe you mean she is a Spartan III, the third generation of Spartans. She would have MJOLNIR Mark IV (these are tiered variants, use roman numerials) armor, as Noble team were the only Spartan III's at the fall of Reach with MJOLNIR Mark V armor (The few remaining Spartan II commandos were also issued MJOLNIR Mark V armor). MJOLNIR Mark VI armor was introduced after the end of the Human-Covenant war. If you'd like them to have MJOLNIR Mark V armor for the shields, then by all means go ahead, but if you're talking about the MJOLNIR Mark VI, then your timeline needs to be revamped. Name should also go before the Spartan generation, so:
Name: Ghost
Spartan III
etc.
Keep your formatting for these the same as well; probably the same formatting error as before, but just a reminder.
That "also" can be taken out of there. Is it correct? Yes. Does it work? Yes. Does it sound weird? Only when you're reading; sounds fine alone. Just a little flow suggestion, not even an error.
Again, be careful with the numerals, should be MJOLNIR Mark V CNM. Also, might want to put these stats at the end or beginning, they disrupt the flow when put in the middle of the story like they are.
No need to state that they are kills, that was stated when Ice asked, "What's your kill count?" It's assumed that she is responding to his question. Brother? Oh my, this shall be interesting.
Psychic Spartan is psychic. He's wearing a helmet, there's no way to tell what look he has on his face. A better strategy to show his demeanor would be something akin to: "“562.” Ice said, sounding slightly irked." Thank you also for realizing that Spartans won't go down to some pansy-ass kill count like 10 <insert anything but hunters here>. While I do like your statements of their kill count, Noble 6, one of two hyper-lethal vector Spartans (the other being Chief) took down a Covenant army single-handed before being overwhelmed. Actually, considering the size of the Covenant, I guess 1100 troops isn't all that much, especially if there were grunts and jackals. Ignore my rambling then.
I believe you mean bet right here. You can also take out the "that means", as it is assumed something was agreed upon for the bet, and that is stated if Ghost says, "and you owe me 50 credits." Just helps with the flow.
Right here you should spell out the numbers, and can probably shorten it by just stating, "...littered with hundreds of Covenant corpses along with multiple Covenant vehicles burning with thick, black smoke."
"Are" should be "was", grounds should be ground, you can take out "the", you can take out "colour", there should be a comma between "art" and "from", there shouldn't be a comma between "grunts" and "to", and you may take out the very end of the sentence. You can also leave it in, your choice, nothing wrong with it, just sounds somewhat strange.
...What? I believe you are trying to say, ""Hey, Ice," Ghost called, not turning her head to look at him." Quick pointer, don't end quotations with a period unless it is the end of a sentence. Not a big thing, just something I like to pick about with. English is weird like that; all these little rules and other crap that sometimes doesn't make much sense.
Eh, same error as above, should be: ""Yeah," Ice said, looking towards Ghost." Make sure you're capitalizing Ghost and Ice. A nice little trick is to ctrl+f and then type <Ice> and <Ghost>, then replace with capitalized. If you're using ghost (a ghost, ghoul, etc.) or ice (frozen water), well, just keep an eye out for it. Doubt that will even come up often, if at all.
Capitalize Covenant, it is a proper noun, and as such needs to be capitalized. It will also flow better if you just say humanity, as the UNSC (don't put periods in between each letter, it is an acronym) is part of humanity. The sentence will also flow better with the "be" as a "was". Ghost said this, finished just sounds strange. Also, I'm sure you meant "thought", not "through". Question mark should be a comma (common mistake, just keep an eye on it). In practice, "“Do you wonder what are lives would be like if the Covenant never attacked or was at peace with humanity,” Ghost asked, deep in thought as she looked up into the sky."
This sounds strange, mostly due to the fact that you left out a word or two. Should be: "Ice sighed as he also turned his gaze to the sky." We already know Ghost is looking into the sky, no need to restate the fact.
Missing a comma between "know" and "I", Covenant is still a proper noun. While I get what you are trying to say in the second sentence, it isn't the best way to put it, as people simply don;t talk in that manner. I'm just going to put these into a different sentence, as most of the grammar mistakes here are ones I've already mentioned. ""I don't know; I could possibly be married and have children by now or I could be homeless and living on the streets. All I do know is that the Covenant will not stop until we are all dead; however I will not stop at any cost to see that we as a species survive," Ice stated, looking at Ghost." Please remember that Spartans in the Gen. II and III era are raised from 5 or 6 to be Spartans; they are drilled to protect humanity at whatever the cost. Odd perspective coming from a Spartan, but that's really your choice and something that is pretty common in these types of fics.
this sounds like she's annoyed, yet if she asked him the question then why would she be annoyed? I'd highly advise a revision here, something akin to: "Ghost nodded, considering Ice's words. "We'll never know now, though," she said as she turned to look at him."
This doesn't make much sense, as the only CSO-class Super-carrier sighted at Reach was the one that Noble 6 and Jorge destroyed with the improvised slip-space bomb. A much more likely scenario is a glassing run by a CCS-class cruiser, the main glassing vessel used by the Covenant. This would change the sentence to, "A low rumbling reached Ice and Ghost, making them look into the distance to see a CCS-class cruiser beginning to glass the area."
Minor details in this sentence. This would flow much better if you split the sentence as well. This would become something near: "Ice and Ghost looked at each other and removed their helmets. They tucked them to their left side and saluted each other." Saluting at each other just sounds strange, it's assumed that if they salute each other they are acknowledging each other. (That was a horrible explanation; just please don't say salute at each other, it sounds weird and disrupts flow)
They're in the middle of a war zone, where in the hell would she get her hair dyed? Also, Spartans are required to have their hair cut to a standard of something around one inch. The neural network links for Spartan reflexes and the powered under armor of the suit would not work with longer hair, along with the helmet would be uncomfortable as hell to wear with hair bundled up inside it. Split these sentences (they can be separate), this is part of why the end of this chapter sounds rushed. Other that the rush, the descriptions are actually just fine. Since I'd advise you take out the dyed ends (leave them in if you'd like, but it'd probably be easier for you to have her hair dyed in Equestria...somehow), this changes the sentence quite a bit. The end result would look like: "Ghost had 3 scars on face: one on the left side of her cheek, another that went across her nose, and one under chin. Her skin was pale white, her eyes were blue and her nose and mouth were of average size." You also had some wrong words in here. (Avenge means to take vengeance upon for a perceived grievance; you mean average, or a common majority)
Midterm is a time between terms, usually used in schools to indicate the halfway point of a semester or trimester (also used in pregnancies, but that's beside the point). Using midterm to describe a size confuses the hell out of anyone reading, and brutally interrupts the flow. Also, hair usually isn't described in size (unless he has an afro), length was the correct way to describe hair...unless he does have an afro, in which case I shall want to see a picture of that. Same point as before with dyed hair. You can take out long, as you then proceed to describe where the scar is. Splitting the description would again alleviate some of the sense of being rushed. "Ice had mid-length hair and he had one deep scar that curved down from his forehead across his eye and stopped at his cheek. His skin was pale white as well; his eyes were blue and his mouth and nose were of average size."
Fragment! This sentence has no verb, no action that is happening. You attempted to use "stopped" as a verb, but in this case it is a noun. If you took out "As", this would cease being a fragment, but it would also add nothing constructive to the story and would merely break the flow. Try changing it into a constructive sentence (keep in mind my earlier points on glassing and the CCS vs. CSO vessels): "As the cruiser began to intensify the glassing process, Ice and Ghost prepared to pass on." It's somewhat awkward, but it isn't a fragment. Another option is simply eliminating the sentence entirely.
Spartans don't cry; they've had their run and delayed the Covenant, lessening the number of Covenant troops that will get to Earth. They are giving their lives to save as many others as possible; that in and of itself is the number one goal of Spartans. Also, a more in-character statement for a Spartan would simply be, ""It's been an honor," Ghost said."
More tears? My previous point still stands. Ice's statement however is much more reminiscent of what a Spartan would say, especially a hunter pair such as Ice and Ghost. Also, comma between "run" and "Ghost": ""We had a good run, Ghost," Ice said."
Couple of consistency, grammar, and spelling issues here. If you do follow the CCS-cruiser route, this would turn into, "As the cruiser's glassing beam reached Ice and Ghost, everything went white."
Eh, same point here with the grammatical issue. Just a little nit-picking thing, this sentence is a bit weird to try and express. "Ice and Ghost felt themselves being stretched and pulled in what felt like every direction, with a plethora of colours dancing across their eyes before they finally lose consciousness."
Some grammar points and wrong words in here. 6 should be spelled as a word (as a general rule, spell any number between 1 and 10), panic means to lose coherent thought in a stressful situation, and if you break the sound, well, please don't break the sound. Beating down on their fur makes it sound like the sun is harsh and not good; I don't believe that's what you meant. This would change to: "Six mares were sitting down at a small picnic they had set up, enjoying the warm sun on their fur along with the peace and quiet, until a large BOOM echoed through the area, akin to an object breaking the sound barrier."
You can take out the words between "light and "crash", and probably change "a forest" to "the nearby forest", or, even better, give the forest a name for which this light is crashing into. Also, you need an "a" between "see" and "large".
This sounds rushed, you should probably put more description into it, such as, ""Come on girls, we need to go see what that was," said their leader before setting off after the object."
Overall there were many mistakes and near the end the story rushed, however for a first story, you're doing ok. You'll improve as you continue to write and you'll learn more of the finer points of grammar and spelling. You might want to try and flesh out the end a bit more, add some description to the six mares and describe the landscape more, but your premise is good and you seem to have a good idea of where you want to take the story as a whole. Thank you for writing!
Yeah... what he said.
t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ6flyhnm3r7psBW6OWqcjiPVBS0NRE7TAnOvuCpNh-MNgeqsYRWw
I must say yes you do need to slow down or go through and carfully reread before you post to take care of the spelling errors but it's a good story and hell if you like I can proof read it for you OK? Just send me a email at lovedpup@gmail.com :} you have a great story I hope you do more
4839428 thanks mate
sorry but i have already have a proofreader but if you like you can help me with a competition so i can see if any viewers would like to have their names or OC's (Halo Reach Spartan/pony) show up in TWO WORLDS p2.
(i have try a questionnaire but my questions made no sense)
would you like to be part of the team?
Hell why not I'm a bord drolf anyway so you got my email if you wanna explain it there :3
when will the next chapter be posted?
5002279 chapter 3 is 2/3 of the way done but i am a slow writer and my friend is getting married and she asked me to help her out with the layout of the ceremony and after party. so it will be some time./ i'm also drawing a front cover for someones fanfic
(plus work)
5007101 ok just asking because this is becoming a good story
5007157 sorry if i sound rude but i am trying to get it finished
5011778 no, your not being rude i understand and thanks for continuing the story
5012588 thank you
Just so u know there are a couple misspelled sentence.
The bunnies name is Angel, not the tool of measurement called angles. Also, just a suggestion, italisize thoughts and surround them with a single apostrophe on each end instead of quotation marks. It's a bit easier to read that way as it's extremely common to use that type of format when writing. Glad to see you're still working on this. Keep up the good work!
There are a LOT of spelling and grammar errors that need fixing
The story is just need being proofread and edited. Keep it up.
btw, nice pixel drawing.
awsome work i like the ice and flunttershy ship
4856389 can i be part of the proof readers
Great story so far
4816238
This chapter is full ofmedia.tumblr.com/tumblr_lgt5qv0rxC1qafrh6.jpg
O I LOVED THIS CHAPTER
Man when will the next one come out
Its so amazingly well written.
PLES MOAR SOON
Alright. So I know I'm late to the punch, but I just want to say that I enjoy the story despite all the grammatical errors and missing words. And the reason no one points them out... There are just too many. Now, I would help you out as a nice gesture, but I barely have the time to read this story as it is.
...Why do the Spartans need to be reformed? I've never played the Halo series, but aren't they the good guys?
7111245 Yup, that they are.
They're also efficient to an almost unholy level at killing, destroying, blowing up, and otherwise making their enemies dead without question. That's probably what spurred this on.
Who said that? Pinkie, are you breaking the fourth wall again?
I'd recommend keeping personal commentary such as this out of the story. Had it been written in a first person point of view, such commentary could have been found acceptable but right now, it only ruins the readers immersion into the story, as well as possibly upsetting people who don't share your opinion about Blueblood. Of course, you can still keep this style of story writing if you wish, it's just my personal recommendation.
Same thing here. The story loses some of it's charm when a character is introduced only to fill no significant role besides showing how much the author hates him.
I'm having some trouble really understanding what was said here. It feels like you tried merging two different sentences into one. The first half of the chapter seemed much more refined and less prone to having mind puzzles like this. You have improved since your first chapter, but you have a long way to go. My suggestion is to get an editor and let him/her point out your mistakes, letting you fix them yourself. It's an effective learning method that will help you immensely. Just like me. Don't be scared or afraid, we all begin somewhere and we all have to learn if we wish to improve ourselves.
Too many repetitive uses of Ice's name. We know it's about him! Let me show how I would improve this segment.
"Ice stood at the edge of the lake as he caught his breath. He just stood there, looking at his refection in the crystal clear water. He stared at the pony that was him but Ice could have sworn that just a second ago, he had seen himself in his Spartan armour, looking right back at him,"
Alright. I get that you wanted your readers to get this picture, but this is kind of the wrong way of going about it. I'd say you'd either commission a picture for it instead, or write it in a way that flows into the narration of the story instead of trying to describe what is essentially a movie scene. Let me try and write an alternative.
"Holding each other close, they both felt different, but Ice still felt concerned. He was pony now, but why did it feel like he was still a spartan: standing on two legs, armoured to his toes and holding weapons of destruction? Why did he still feel like he couldn't move on?"
Now don't hold me to this, I'm not as invested into the whole "Halo" series as some and I might not have gotten the same atmosphere or given Ice the right personality or train of thought in this case, but this does paint something similar in the mind of the reader, no?
Also, all of this is me trying to help a fellow writer out. Constructive criticism, pointing out flaws and trying to help you fix them. This story has great potential, but it needs some improvements, love and care before it becomes a real diamond in the rough. Keep working, and I'm sure you'll do better. I hope this helps.
What gen of spartan are they? I hope they are spartan III because it would mean that they are a part of operation headhunter. Just base on the fact that they appear to be a two man teem of Spartans.
7114918 in the description of this story/book/thing it says that they are mark 3 Spartans.
It lives once again
well not for long 
7114918 Ghost and Ice are brother and sister, and yes they were part of operation headhunter but you will find more out in later chapters. they are Spartans mark 3
7120926 i know it as been a long time for you guys to wait but again my sorry but life does come first
7111245
They are the good guys they just are emotional stunted and prone to violence because of their sycophantic tendency's
Yes but he is always an asshole/arsehole in my stories.